On the real, I did have one kind-of encounter in the real world, but I was too nervous to do anything. Plus, I was with a friend of mine. And I had no clue that she was interested in me—assuming he’s not lying about her saying ‘hey’ to him and ‘heyyyy’ to me (I’m not ‘deaf,’ but I do have bad hearing). She was a taddd bit too thick, but if it turns out her mother isn’t beefy, I can deal with it (thick women with bovine mothers turn into cows).
Yo, yo, yo, baby! Hit a brotha up… but be more upfront! I lubs me an aggressive woman! Grab my hair and pull it! (lol—getting tipsy, sorry)
Anyway.
Hello! Due to the horrible storms that raged across the Carolinas last weekend, I’ve chosen to only write one brief satire piece. It targets Spike Lee, who, in my opinion, is an uptight ass. He loves to talk shit about Tyler Perry’s purported ‘coonery’, but doesn’t have a damn thing negative to say about Will Ferrell’s buffoonery.
I hate people like him because they are wound up so tight that they don’t know how to just let loose and have fun. I realize Mr. Lee makes incredibly powerful films, but that doesn’t mean every other black producer has to follow his steps. Sorry, Mr. Lee, but some people prefer to laugh and cry versus just cry. I myself am not a fan of Tyler Perry’s work, but many people find humor and spirituality in it, so power to him!
Anyway. Please keep an eye out for my magnanimous return next Friday. In the meantime, I’m going to share some of my self-centered thoughts with the world.
The Storm Of Hell
Last Saturday, Satin bent over, spread his butt cheeks, and blew a storm like no other through Raleigh. It was a horrific event that ripped apart homes, left many others damaged, tore down power lines, and took the lives of 24 people (R.I.P.).
My neighborhood wasn’t the worst hit, but it wasn’t the least hit either. One lady’s upstairs room was torn asunder by a large tree, while another person’s deck completely collapsed. Plus the whole area was covered in debris, electrical wires, and trees galore.
Truth be told, we were lucky. There were no casualties, and we were back to life as usual by Tuesday, when the power, Internet, and cable finally returned. I was especially lucky. The townhouse I rent wasn’t damaged in the slightest bit—no broken windows, no torn shingles, etc.
Nevertheless, I suffered a bit of an emotional breakdown. I was too afraid to mingle with my neighbors Saturday afternoon, and even after I finally summoned the courage to go explore my surroundings, I kept to myself. After we got our power back Sunday, the situation got a bit better, but I was still without Internet and cable.
It was rough. I imagine most of my neighbors fared fairly well without those luxuries, but for me, it was as if I had no voice. I was stuck with a mountain of thoughts clogging my mental pipes. There was no way out but for me to just escape into the fantasy world of my favorite book.
Anyway. I hope everybody is okay. It was a rough weekend that challenged all of us—some more than others (R.I.P.)—but it’s over now!
Before I go, I want to give a huge shout out to Raleigh’s very own flying baby:
Sorry to use a picture of a white baby, but there ain’t a picture ANYWHERE of a flying black baby. White babies can’t jump, and I guess black babies can’t fly!
Who’s The Socialist Now?
A poll this week revealed that 70% of Tea Party members don’t want Medicare and Medicaid touched at all. I don’t necessarily disagree with them, but I find it ironic that the people who most vehemently complain about our ‘Socialist’ government are the biggest proponents of the most ‘Socialist’ programs our government offers! It’s the very definition of hypocrisy.
I don’t want Medicare and Medicaid privatized, but I do want them adjusted. They’re gigantic programs that are growing way too fast. I could be wrong, but I don’t think they’re sustainable—at least not in their current forms. We need to either rebuild our healthcare system from the bottom up or make some major cuts to entitlements. Taxes need to be raised and defense lowered as well, but we can’t just ignore the 5000-pound elephant whose trunk threatens to suck us all up as if we’re big, giant peanuts.
That’s just my opinion, though.
Birtherism Goes National
A lot of States are bringing forth birther legislation, and I find it to be sad and disturbing. It’s a slick attempt to remove Obama’s name from the 2012 ballot. *shakes his head in disgust*. Sighs. At least Bachmann isn’t following the birther movement anymore. Good for her! Sorry to all my liberal peers, but I hate to see a beautiful woman (she’s fine, damnit) acting crazy!
And yes, I’d “shnoop” (Maddow!) Bachmann! Hell, if she let me “shnoop” her, I’d even vote for her! Speaking of which, I’d also be willing to vote for Trump. But I DON’T want to “shnoop” him. Naw… I just want him to buy me a car!
Does Anyone Give A Shit About Autism?
I’m thinking about writing a book on autism. I want to be a satirist with a specialty in politics, but first I need to build some clout and get my name out there. There are a couple problems with this goal, however:
#1. I have Asperger Syndrome, social anxiety, and probably some other shit. And the problem that causes me the most grief is social anxiety. I don’t mind being a freak, but I do hate being a shy freak.
#2. The market is littered with the life stories of autistic people. My brother has sent me like three such books, including one written by some teeny-bopper brat. Excuse me for sounding like a dick, but all three books bored me to death.
#3. I’m different than other folks with Asperger Syndrome. A family friend of mine has it and he has no problem meeting people. In addition, there are some autistic folks whose worlds revolve around pictures. This isn’t the case for me at all. I cannot just close my eyes and pretend I’m on some cozy island because my brain can’t process visuals very well.
#4. How many autistic people have been to juvy, the county jail, prison, and the penitentiary? How many autistic people listen to hip hop and ol’ school r&b. How many autistic people genuinely prefer the company of black people (no offense)? I’m a freak within a freak community. I’m a SUPER FREAK!
#5. I don’t want to write a book full of stupid facts and figures taken from books and articles other people have written. I want to expose the world to the fears that dominate my life. But since these fears are mostly unique to only me, this would be a life story—and I’m too young to write a life story.
#6. Who the hell wants to read my life story!?
#7. Is there a way to use my humor in this book?
#8. Instead of being autobiographical (which would be painful, to be honest), could this instead be a look into autism from a unique perspective, coupled with humor, a few examples from my own life, and some facts and figures?
Many questions and no answers!
Brief News: Spike Lee Releases ‘Spike’s Big Happy Orgasm’
Hollywood, California—After having spent half his life chastising American actor, director, playwright, screenwriter, producer, author, and songwriter Tyler Perry for his purported ‘coonery,’ film director Spike Lee finally gave in to his primordial instincts and released a film featuring himself as a big, black woman with an attitude.
“28 years of producing powerful films that tackle controversial social and political issues like racism and urban crime left me a tense and embittered man who wasn’t even capable of cracking a smile,” Mr. Lee told reporters while getting his hair did at the Sassy Salon on the corner of Crenshaw and Slauson. “But dressing up as a black woman and acting a fool has helped me finally release all that tension and just let loose.”
The film was originally intended to be a fictional tale about an urban black family, but Mr. Lee enjoyed dressing up so much that he decided to turn it into a documentary about his experiences as a black woman instead. And he’s already begun working on the sequel, ‘For Colored Men Who Need To Lighten Up.’
Mr. Lee later added, “You know, if I would have known that acting a fool feels so refreshing to the soul, I would have started engaging in ‘coonery’ a long time ago!”
Moral of the story: Spike Lee needs to lighten up and stop accusing everybody else of being a ‘coon.’ Who does he think he is—Trey Parker and Matt Stone?
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That’s it for tonight.
I hope that satire piece wasn’t offensive to the black community. And if it was, I’m sorry, but Spike Lee is acting like a holier-than-thou asshole. Where’s his outrage over Will Ferrell threatening to cut off Conan O’brien’s beard (which was very funny, by the way) or Jimmy Kimmel “shnooping” Ben Affleck (that was awhile ago, but still)?
You know, he acts like black people cannot just let loose and have fun because it’ll make the “community look bad.” That’s very boogie, in my opinion. Plus, Tyler isn’t just funny; he’s also real. Madea is very reminiscent of many people I’ve met—in an exaggerated way, mind you. In fact, Tyler purposefully tries to cover real-life subjects in a manner that is fun and friendly, but also meaningful. What’s so wrong with that?
Anyway.
Night!
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