Here’s my boyfriend and I together.
He’s so cute :-) :-)!
NOW STOP STARING AT HIS ASS!
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PSYCH! APRIL FOOL’S!
Anyway, lol.
Good evening, Raleigh and beyond! Other than feeling lonely for the love and touch of a good quality WOMAN [socialites/club goers (NO), bisexuals/perverts (NO), God fiends (NO), anarchists (NO), and fat/ugly (HELL NO)], I’ve had a pretty amazing week. I felt very confident, I worked extremely hard, and I made some awesome jokes. It was great!
Anyway. A lot of stuff has been going on this week. Obama is considering arming the Libyan rebels; the nuclear crisis in Japan is continuing; Trump is still adamant that Obama wasn’t born in the U.S.; Rolling Stone put out a piece about five psychopath American soldiers who murdered innocent Afghan Muslims; a group of psychopath Afghan Muslims attacked a U.N. compound and killed twelve people; the Koch brothers believe the liberal media is making them look like monsters; republicans and democrats are arguing over the budget; and much, much more.
It’s been a crazy-ass week, and there is plenty of more craziness still on its way. Today, I’m going to try to tackle some of the craziness with my satire. My feature piece is left leaning, but my other three are all right leaning, though more so in jest than anything else. Regardless, let’s get to some potential laughs, though to be honest, I haven’t really been on my game lately.
Brief News: Obama Trades In Nobel Prize For Noble Prize
Washington, DC—Late Wednesday afternoon, United States President Barack Obama arrived at the Nobel for Noble Pawn Shop at the corner of 8th and U streets NW in the hope of trading in his coveted Nobel Peace Prize for a Noble Warrior Prize.
Founded in 1902 in rebuttal to the Nobel Peace Prize, the Noble Warrior Prize was designed to give honor to those men and women who displayed a valiant commitment to practicing the art of war. It was eventually dissolved in 1998, but remnants from its 96-year history remain scattered in pawnshops throughout the country.
“Though most people look disfavorably on war, I think it’s the tops,” Obama told reporters, while rummaging through the shop. “Anybody can be a harbinger of peace, but it takes a really special person to be a harbinger of death, doom, and destruction.”
The Nobel Peace Prize ended up being worth so much that Obama was able to trade it in for a Noble Warrior Prize in addition to a Blu-ray player, a large-screen HDTV, and a basketball autographed by Michael Jordan.
“Peace! Huh — yeah, what is it good for?” Obama sang while exiting the store. “Absolutely nothing.”
He continued, “Uh-huh!”
Moral of the story: Moral of the story: Though Bama' is a war-mongering bastard :-), I found his speech on Wednesday at Georgetown University in Washington, DC to be very humbling! Right on, Prez’!
Brief News: Dedicated Church Pastor Suffers Accidental Death After Arming Congregation
Raleigh, NC—Early Friday, Pastor Phillip James of the Missionary Evangelistic Episcopal Baptist Church of God In Christ was killed after he attempted to resolve a local gang crisis by arming his congregation.
Phillip, a dedicated pastor who believed in the righteousness of all men, had recently been called upon by his congregation to intervene in a local gang conflict. The Capital Boulevard Bloods have been feuding with the Brentwood Road Crips, and leaving a trail of burglaries, vandalisms, and grisly murders in the process.
“It’s been affecting the whole community, so our congregation got together and asked him to intervene,” Philip’s wife, Miss Adelaide Beulah Lee, told reporters. “He tried and he tried, but nothing was working, so he decided to use his connections—he used to be a drug dealer before he went to prison and found God—to obtain a bunch of weapons.”
The Pastor’s goal had been to arm his congregation and lead an assault on both gangs. Unfortunately, his plans were thwarted when, during a test run, church lady Erma Ella Louise accidentally fired a weapon at him.
“She was just trying to figure out how to use a bazooka when it suddenly went off and blew my poor husband into a thousand tiny bits and pieces,” Miss Adelaide mournfully remarked.
“LORD HAVE MERCY!”
Moral of the story: I think arming the Libyan rebels is a really, really bad idea.
Brief News: Biden Named Coolest Vice President Ever
The most popular and hardcore jock fraternity in America, the Alpha Betas, has named Vice President Joe Biden the coolest vice president ever.
“As a drunken buffoon who relishes miscounting the number of letters in words, saying really stupid things and trying to get out of it by eating Twix, and busting into silly dance moves while entering auditoriums and lecture halls, I cannot tell you how good it feels to know that my vice president is as big an idiot as I am,” Alpha Betas president Stan Gable told reporters.
Moral of the story: Though Biden is kind of a goofy buffoon (as am I), he’s definitely cool in my book!
Issa Proposes Deregulating Traffic Safety System
Representative Darrell Issa (R-CA), Chairman of the House Committee on Oversight and Government Reform, held a hearing Thursday to discuss how the current traffic safety system is adversely affecting corporate profits, and therefore preventing job growth. A longtime proponent of corporate deregulation and small government, Issa proposed a host of wide-sweeping deregulation measures that would essentially dismantle the entire system.
“For starters, we need to do away with seatbelts and baby seats; everyday across our great nation, countless car manufacturers must spend an egregious amount of money to outfit their vehicles with these ridiculous and expensive gadgets,” Issa announced at the hearing. “Granted, a baby shouldn’t be allowed to just bounce around the back of a car, but it’s the parent’s responsibility to firmly attach it to the top of their vehicle—you know, just like a bicycle.”
Also present at the hearing to provide their own testimony were three of Issa’s corporate BFFs, including Clay Blackwell, CEO of the National Association of Bad Products Delivered Fast; Elizabeth McBridge, president and CEO of Semens; and Howard Granger, a lead researcher at the Institute of Mo’ Money, Less Rules.
Though all four were pleased with Issa’s decision to highlight the problems with seatbelts and baby seats, they went on to take aim at other sub-components of the American traffic system as well, including stoplights, school zone signs, and speed limits.
“Stoplights are another perfect example of what we’re talking about,” Clay Blackwell argued on the House floor.
“Drivers must constantly stop to translate those weird, hippy-like orbs of flashing, red, yellow, and green lights,” he continued. “Not only do these awkwardly placed liberal disco balls impede Americans from getting to work on time, which causes many of them to get fired, but they also force businesses to funnel money that could be used to hire new employers toward paying for all the extra time truck drivers incur from waiting at these lights.”
Elizabeth McBridge, whose company transports semen to women, many of whom are so desperate to have children that they live right next to a school zone, was more concerned with the effect school zone signs have been having on her business.
“As we know too well, semen has an extremely short lifespan, which is why it’s fundamental that my drivers deliver it to their recipients as quickly as possible,” McBridge contended. “But they can’t do that because of these stupid signs.”
She continued, “You know, just because some parents are too lazy to teach their children how to run across the road fast enough to avoid getting hit doesn’t mean my business should have to be punished for it.”
The harshest criticism came from Howard Granger, a staunch supporter of traffic law deregulation who has dedicated his life to coming up with lousy arguments for why there should be no laws whatsoever. He argued that the traffic safety system isn’t just affecting corporations; it’s affecting politicians as well. In particular, he pointed to the emergency meeting on NPR that was scheduled for Wednesday, March 16.
“If I’m not mistaken, the EMERGENCY meeting had to be cancelled because most of you weren’t able to get to Capitol Hill on time,” he said. “That wouldn’t have happened if there weren’t speed limits.”
Thursday’s hearing came after President Obama publicly called on all Americans to “pay better attention to road signs and stop blowing through stop signs without coming to a complete halt.” The move was in response to a recent report that revealed traffic-related deaths have climbed 10% since 2008.
“Obama has been one of the most corrupt presidents in modern times,” Issa later told reporters, shaking his head in utter disgust. “Stoplights, school zone signs, and seatbelts may save lives, but what’s the point of life if you don’t have enough money stuffed in your underwear to buy yourself a yacht?”
Many business owners across America agree with Issa. Angry with Obama’s dedication to traffic safety, many of them have begun threatening to start laying off employees—even the illegal ones.
“You know, if America continues on this perilous road toward traffic safety fascism, most businesses will have no other option but to outsource their operations and just start shipping their products overseas instead.”
He added, “Oh wait; they already do that.”
Moral of the story #1: Excessive deregulation is bad.
Moral of the story #2: Bush did plenty to help businesses, yet they continued outsourcing.
Moral of the story #3: Darrell Issa is a tool. In particular, he’s a hoe.
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Well, I hope you folks enjoyed that. I’m fairly happy with the feature piece (though it could have been more substantial, but coming up with substantial jokes is really really hard), but I’m a bit concerned about my brief pieces. I just want to remind everyone that I’m a liberal, lol.
PS #1 – We should have never got involved with Libya, but now that we've pissed off Gaddafi, we need to either capture him or kill him; in my opinion, there are no other options. And this operation cannot involve arming a bunch of goofballs whom we barely f**king know. Either we send in some tanks / agents, or we bomb Gaddafi to smithereens. If we let him live, whether as Libya's ruler or in exile, he will eventually use his wealth to strike back at us (Pan Am Flight 103) -- and that's just not acceptable to me.
By the way, why has this asshole allowed to live after all the shit he’s done? Can anybody please tell me?
PS #2 – Today I had a chance to stop by a used bookstore. While there, I ran into three awesome books, including “Parliament of Whores: A Lone Humorist's Attempts to Explain the Entire U.S. Government,” “Napoleon’s Privates: 2,500 Years of History Unzipped,” and “More Filthy Dirty Jokes: Uncensored Edition.”
I especially want to talk about “Parliament of Whores.” Though it was written by a staunch conservative, P.J. O’Rourke, I am nonetheless greatly looking forward to reading it. The beauty of satire is that you don’t have to hold the same views as the satirist to enjoy his or her work. Suffice it to say, it’s all fair in comedy and satire!
PS #3 – Rapper YC will be live at the Star Bar this Sunday, courtesy of K97.5, and he'll be singing his hit single, "Racks on Racks!" In addition, the baddest looking female will win $2000 cash. So ladies, get yo booties looking tight and hit the club this Sunday! HOLLA . . . but don’t holla at me cuz I ain’t attracted to club/bar hoppers.
PS #4 – Courtesy of my friend Necia: “HATERS= H-having A-anger T-towards E-everyone R-reaching S-success" ; Just saw her status message and thought I’d share it because I’m running out of things to say, lol.
PS #5 – Umm…. I hope everybody has a great, wonderful weekend! And OH, ladies watch out for me! I’ve started prowling dating websites again, so if you’re interested in getting with a winner (well technically, I’m an “eventual winner”), keep an eye out for a really gay-looking Indian guy with lots of pimples, a bunch of moles, and wickedly cool $20 glasses made by a guy in Bereilly, India.
pEaCe!
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