Here's Looking At You, Kid
My main target tonight is Miss Arianna Huffington. I think she’s the tops and that she has a great top (not too big, not too small), but I also think she’s a bit of the b-word. Mind you, I used to think my Mom was a total b-word because she wouldn’t let me eat cookies before dinner. In fact, I still begrudge her for that . . . but I digress.
Miss Huffington has come under attack by several Huffington Post bloggers who feel that they deserve to be paid for their hard work. While I realize she can’t just hand them all a million dollars each, I do sincerely believe that she could at least negotiate with them to reach a fair solution.
Perhaps bloggers could be given the option to integrate their Google Adsense accounts into their blogs. So if a post were to go viral and earn two million hits, for instance, the blogger would earn a slight profit. Seems simple and fair enough, aye?
Unfortunately, Miss Huffington refuses to budge, and that irritates the hell out of me. Even more annoying is her claim that the purported ‘exposure’ that results from blogging at the HuffPost is plenty enough payment. Bullwinkle squared, my lady!
Exposure is a game of luck. For every person fortunate enough to have his or her piece read by someone special at just the right time, there are countless others whose work will never be given even the slightest glance—despite their innate talents. Plus, when it comes to exposure, our culture tends to reward those with style over substance: Snooki.
Look, Miss Huffington is a liberal lady whom I like, so I’m going to go light and cutesy on her. But I sincerely wish she’d show her workers some love. It doesn’t mean she has to open up her wallet or even flash them (though that would likely win her critical acclaim with Mr. Tasinin). All I ask is that she make a genuine effort to help them earn a living.
Speaking of Tasinini, he kind of sounds like a greedy politician wannabe. That said, I’m more concerned with the countless other bloggers who are trying diligently to gain exposure, but in the meantime could use a little extra money in their pockets. Miss Huffington isn’t obliged to do anything for them, but in my opinion, it would be wrong not to.
Mind you, if Miss Huffington ends up allowing Google Adsense integration and Mr. Tasini decides to continue with his lawsuit regardless, I solemnly swear I will smoke his ass like a blunt!
Digital Media Tycoon Unveils Her “Almighty Presence” To Mainstream Media
New York, NY—At 9:21 PM EST on April 13th, Miss Arianna Huffington, the internationally recognized digital media tycoon who founded The Huffington Post in 2005 and later garnered a reputation as the ‘Queen of All Digital Media Pertaining To Cats, Including But Not Limited To Kitty Cats, Pussy Cats, and Rich Fat Cats,’ revealed to the mainstream media that exposure to her presence has the power to provide Americans with financial security, happy thoughts, and much more.
“I don’t know why, but it appears that whenever men or women spend just five minutes around me, their wallets miraculously fill up with wads of cash,” Miss Huffington told reporters at a press conference outside her headquarters on 675 Sixth Avenue Thursday evening, though her accent was so thick that three translators were required to decipher it. “And oftentimes they even start having many happy thoughts about adorable kittens.”
She continued, "I like kittens!"
Miss Huffington first started noticing the remarkable effects her presence has on people a few months after she launched her news website. Whenever she would venture beyond her office, strange and astounding things would begin to take place all around her.
Convinced that something of a paranormal nature was occurring, Miss Huffington sought out the assistance of UFO enthusiast and Metaphysics Institute School of Paranormal Science professor Eugene Volokh. Over the course of two years, starting from 2008, Professor Volokh followed Miss Huffington and carefully recorded everything that happened around her.
“My meticulous research has led me to believe that Arianna has been granted a great power by God,” he wrote in the latest edition of Strange Magazine, which was published at exactly 7:00 PM EST the night before Miss Huffington came clean to the media.
Volokh went on to cite numerous examples of her power, including one in 2009 when she was driving her car through Time Square, and a homeless man suddenly appeared out of nowhere and began to wipe her windshield.
”I watched in utter astonishment as the dollar bill Arianna was about to give the poor fellow transformed into a hundred dollar bill. It was the most endearing experience that I’ve ever had.”
During his tenure with Miss Huffington, Volokh has also witnessed orphans being united with their formerly deceased parents, squished bugs springing back to life, and people who had no chance of winning lawsuits actually winning them.
And though actual scientists have yet to verify his claims, Volokh contends that Miss Huffington’s presence also has the power to make men and women’s sperm and ovaries more virile. Even more astonishing is Volokh’s claim that Miss Huffington’s presence can cause a neutered or spayed dog’s reproductive organs to reform.
Unfortunately, Miss Huffington’s presence has also rendered a bevy of unwanted side effects over the years. For instance, just two weeks ago her presence transformed 55-year-old Jonathan Tasini from a successful writer into a “modern day village idiot” who now lives in a cardbox box outside Miss Huffington’s main office building.
Her presence has also made gay men straight and straight dogs gay. Even worse, it transformed what was once a luxury cruise ship into a slave ship manned by what are now 3,000 talking cats.
“There are obviously some complications that must still be sorted out, but as Professor Volokh made abundantly clear in his article,” Miss Huffington explained to reporters, while pointing to the latest edition of Strange Science, “this power was given unto me by God himself to cure all of mankind’s ills.”
She added, “Plus, it’s not my fault that I’m like amphetamine to those who bathe in my almighty presence!”
Moral of the story #1: Exposure ain’t all that it’s cut out to be :-).
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Sorry to go light for the folks who read this junk. I just wasn’t feeling it this week. One idea I did have, however, was to write a piece entitled, “Elderly Man Finally Beats Street Fighter 2 With New Obama Character.” The premise was that this old dude has been trying to beat M Bison for years, but to no avail. Then suddenly Nintendo releases an SF2 upgrade with a Barack Obama character, and using this character, the elderly man finally wins the game. It was basically meant to parody Mr. Obama standing up for old people.
PS #1
I don’t like that the only way to become a HuffPost blogger is to first write a bunch of comments. I’m a writer, not a friggen socialist social person er whatever. I don’t particularly care about commenting on other people’s work or building “relationships.” I just want to write, expose myself (especially my penis), and hopefully get “discovered,” though I’ve been fruitlessly praying for that for years.
PS #2
I’m very proud of my president, Mr. Barack Obama. I think he put forth a great budget proposal earlier this week. Mind you, it needs adjustments, because 4 trillion doesn’t cover even 33% of our deficit. However, it’s a great starting point, and I love that he said he won’t tolerate the privatization of Medicare and Medicaid. And I especially love that he’s prepared to finally let the Bush Era Tax Cuts expire. Thank you, Sir!
Mind you, I believe that he should also raise the retirement age and incorporate means testing for Medicare and Medicaid. Plus, it would help if he ended the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan. But that’s merely my opinion.
PS #3
I’m extremely glad that Mitt Romney has decided to run for president. He’s a republican, which means I’m not going to vote for him, but at least he’s a good guy. He’s sane, intelligent, and all around decent. And frankly, I wouldn’t mind having him as president, though I would clearly prefer Obama. Regardless, I’d rather Obama lose to a dignified man than win against a bunch of idiotic lunatics like Bachmann, Trump, and Huckleberry Birther Bee.
PS #4
I’m disappointed that the bill that was passed last week only clears us of about 300 million. Some say it’s a baby step, but I disagree. It’s more like a fetus step! It’s absolutely nothing! Not to place blame, but if the republicans stopped trying to impose their religious beliefs on people, perhaps we could actually formulate a decent budget-reduction plan!
PS #5
A show called ‘The Game of Thrones’ will launch on HBO this Sunday. Check it out. It’s based on George R.R. Martin’s ‘Song of Ice and Fire’ series. I myself am not sure if I’ll watch because I’m about to start Book 4 of the series (and I’m not one for the rewind button), but I definitely recommend it to history and fantasy fiction fans alike!
PS #6
The reason I got upset at Miss Huffington is because she and many others have this false belief that we all work so passionately for free because we just love it. Yes, I myself enjoy writing satire, but I’m not doing it for nothing. Do I look like Jesus? I am doing it because I want to get noticed and hopefully ‘discovered’ one day. In the meantime, I’m content with just refining my craft.
However, some of the folks at the HuffPost aren’t content any longer. And truth be told, I at least earn SOMETHING for my posts. I put them all up on AssociatedContent, which just paid me $19 today for the views I garnered last month. It’s not much, but it’s something.
Rich people act like money is so irrelevant, but that’s because they don’t know what it means to pay a bill. Granted, rich people work very hard, but if we had all the doors open that they do, we too would be working just as hard. Unfortunately, we’re limited in resources and contacts.
I may sound like a big baby or a whiner, but I’m just keeping it 100% real. Mind you, I already know the conservatives will eat me up, but I’m feeling spicy and juicy, so take a bite, bitcheszzzzz :-).
PS #7
Last but not least, Mika Brzezinski just released a new book: Knowing Your Value: Women, Money and Getting What You're Worth. I have no intention of reading it because I don’t have a vagina (though I’ve been asking Santa for one for years!), but I thought I’d recommend it because she’s the tops! Plus, she has a better top than Miss Huffington; no offense!
Speaking of Miss Brzezinski, if you happen to be reading this, then I wonder if perhaps you could hook me up with your publishing agent, lol. I got some book ideas I want to bounce off someone who knows what they’re doing. Friends are cool and all, but they’re really useless when it comes to advancing one’s career!
And speaking of Miss Huffington, if you happen to be reading this, I want to urge you to think about what I wrote today. More importantly, if you feel lonely, depressed, and cold tonight while you lie in your humongous feather bed in your over-air-conditioned apartment mansion condo thingamajig, then shot me a holler (wink wink)!
Hey… nerd love is just as good as regular love!
On the real, though, just show your workers some love, damnit! And if you can’t do that little, then I’m afraid I’ll have to respect you a little less. And I can’t imagine how heartbreaking that must be for you, lol.
NIGHT!
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