This Place About To Blow (Kesha) | Hurricane Edition

Evening, folks. First and foremost, I want to send my thoughts out to all the people who own property near the coastlines. I hope and pray that your properties are unaffected by Hurricane Irene. Regardless, the most important thing is that ya’ll get out of there alive.

And I don’t expect the hurricane to affect Raleigh too badly… but still, I hope everybody is prepared and ready for one helluva weekend!

Let’s go…!

Drunk, Moody Roomie To Other Roomie: “I’m Going To Crush Your Head.”

Boston, MA—Late Friday evening, 34-year-old engineer Mark Coolidge came home from work and, after drinking a few beers and catching up on the news, informed his roomie, 26-year-old freelancer Jack Patch, that he was going to crush his head.



“First he pulled me outside to discuss how we could somehow magically solve all of the world’s problems, and then when I mentioned that maybe we should start by raising taxes on the rich, he suddenly went all ballistic on me by telling me that he was going to crush my head,” Jack told reporters, still visibly shaken from the previous night’s unexpected events.

“The crazy thing about it all was that he showed no emotion. I would have figured he was doing a deadpan comedy bit if I didn’t already know that he has no sense of humor whatsoever.”

When questioned by police about the incident, all Mark had to say was, “I am crushing your head!”

Moral of the story: It’s a long story involving my very-funny roomie, too much beer, and Warren the “cock” Buffett, lol.

Moral of the story #2: Big ups to ‘Kids In The Hall’ (88-94).

Pet Owner Shares Pizza With Dog In Honor Of MLK’s Legacy

Boston, MA—Longtime Dorchester resident Charlie Jones, 25, has decided to share half of his hand-tossed Papa Johns pizza with his 2-year-old German Shepherd, Keanan, in celebration of the unveiling of the Martin Luther King, Jr. National Memorial in Washington, DC.



“I think it’s important that I take a moment to pay tribute to MLK’s heroic struggle for civil rights by letting Keanan, who in the past has been forced to chow down on really cheap dog gruel from a metal bowl, sit by my side at the table of brotherhood and partake in this totally delicious pepperoni and green pepper pizza.”

He added, “Come tomorrow, however, the BOY goes back to eating his gruel!”

Moral of the story: Civil rights obviously don’t apply to stinkin’ dogs, but there was once a time in America when minorities, particularly blacks, were looked upon as dogs. And well, I think it’s important that we don’t forget that. Nor should we forget all the hard work and dedication it has taken to get us this far.

Moral of the story #2: Salute @ Martin Luther King, Jr. R.I.P.

Big-Breasted Woman Sick Of Men’s Inability To See Beyond Her Tits

Memphis, TN—A big-breasted, 27-year-old woman from East Memphis has decided to take a stand against all the men who refuse to see beyond her triple F titties and accept her as a unique human being with a unique mindset.



“You know, just because the majority of my body weight is composed of ‘titular’ mass does not mean that I am just some big, giant boob!” the anonymous woman told a band of male reporters who had purposefully been blinded beforehand to assure they maintain the rigorous standards of quality journalism.

She continued, “I am a human being with a big heart and a huge brain, damnit!”

In Related News: Big-Breasted Woman To Get More Breast Implants

Moral of the story: Shuttttttttttttt upppppppppppppppppppppp!

Muammar Gaddafi Loses Chess Game For Libya

Tripoli, Libya—After 42 years of waging ruthless pawn-on-pawn and queen-on-pawn attacks on both his people and the rest of the world, the internationally famous Bobby Fischer wannabe, Michael Jackson lookalike, and all-time supreme dickhead / despot Muammer Gaddafi has finally lost the chess game for Libya.



“It all started back in 1969 when Gaddafi led a small band of disgruntled military pawns in a move to checkmate King Idris,” NBC Nightly News anchor Brian Williams told reporters. “But after winning the game, instead of sticking to the rules set forth by his predecessor, Gaddafi decided to adopt completely new rules based on his own twisted gaming philosophy.”

“He restricted the moves pawns he didn’t like could make; replaced all his rooks, bishops, and knights with bodyguard queens; and began interfering with other country’s chess games.”

According to Williams, by the 1980s, Gaddafi was kidnapping, maiming, and killing pawns from other countries, as well as training his own pawns to set off bombs on other countries’ chessboards. And then in 1988, Gaddafi purportedly orchestrated the Lockerbie bombing, during which his most loyal pawns set off a bomb that killed 270 pawns from 21 different countries.

“Gaddafi continued perpetrating evil acts for a little over two more decades until just this past spring, when some of his pawns finally acquired the courage and momentum to mount an attack against him,” Williams continued. “Most of the world expected the rebel pawns to loose, but after months of braving it out throughout the dangerous landscape of Libya’s chessboard, they have finally prevailed.”

He added, “It just goes to show that nobody can cheat the game of chess—NOBODY.”

Moral of the story: We don’t make the rules, but we do enforce them. That said, CHECKMATE, BITCH!

Young Man Only One Ear Hair Away From Retiring

Raleigh, NC—Despite eating healthy, exercising daily, and maintaining a relatively low-stress lifestyle, 30-year-old Triangle native Chip Sanders already suffers from numerous old man symptoms, including but not limited to shrunken balls, jiggling man boobs, glaring bald spots, and whisker-like nose hairs. According to his doctor, Sanjay Sandhu, he is in fact just one ear hair away from being ready to retire and move to Florida.



“I’m 58 years old, and even I don’t suffer from as many symptoms of old age as Chip does,” Doctor Sandhu told reporters as he shook his head, which for the record was covered in a full set of gleaming black hair. “It’s like he’s physically aging faster than everybody else, though judging from his income statement, his Social Security benefits are about four decades behind his balls.”

Chip’s descent into dirty old manhood began four years ago when, slightly after his 25th birthday, Chip noticed a thinning patch of hair in the middle of his scalp. At the time, he figured that his barber had merely made a mistake, but as the year progressed and the patch grew larger, it slowly dawned on Chip that he was going bald.

“It pissed me off then and it still pisses me off now because I’m way too young to be suffering this sort of bullshit,” Chip complained to reporters while trying fervently to fill in his bald spots with a Sharpie permanent marker. “Hell, my friggen pubes haven’t even finished growing yet, and I swear there are like a shitload of 15-year-old boys out there who have thicker chest hair than I have hair on the top of my head.”

Unfortunately, things only got worse for Chip. By 2007, he began experiencing great difficulty keeping his penis fully erect while making love to his wife. A year later, the situation grew so dire that he sought out the counsel of a local $5/hour Gypsy therapist.

“I couldn’t afford seeing a regular doctor or paying for Viagra at the time, so I made an appointment with this holistic dude who claimed he could fix my problem,” Chip explained. “The guy had me pumping up my penis like a tire, wrapping it up tight in cock rings, and popping Ginkgo Biloba pills like they were skittles, but none of it worked!”

The situation was eventually rectified in early 2010 courtesy of the Affordable Care Act, which allowed Chip access to subsidized Viagra prescriptions. But by then, the situation had only grown worse. While his penis was finally able to hold onto blood, it suddenly started to lose its ability to hold onto pee.

“I used to wake up, scratch myself, bang my wife, scratch myself again, take a shower, brush my teeth, feed the dog, eat breakfast, read the newspaper, check my stocks, smoke a cigarette and then take a pee, but that all changed in April 2010.”

According to Chip, he was making sweet love to his wife on the morning of April 12 when he suddenly got an overpowering urge to pee. The same thing happened three days in a row, prompting Chip to start taking a pee right after he woke up each morning. Two months later on June 17th, however, he suddenly woke up in the middle of the night with the same urge to pee. It was at that moment Chip realized he was becoming a dirty old bastard.

“I couldn’t believe it, man; I just couldn’t believe it,” Chip whined to reporters while staring icily at his crotch. “A little over two months ago, I was living it up, and then all of a sudden, I couldn’t sleep just 4 measly hours without having to take a friggen pee.”

He added, “It’s like what the hell is wrong with my dick, man!?”

Sadly, Chip’s situation has declined even further since 2010. His pectorals jiggle like breasts whenever he jogs, his shrunken balls droop so low that they sometimes accidentally get stuck up his ass, his hearing is so poor that he misses out on many of his wife’s verbal advances, and his testicles smell so bad that his dog purposefully avoids his presence.

The only thing keeping Chip sane during this tumultuous period of time is the fact that he has yet to sprout an ear hair.

“As soon as the first ear hair shows up, it’s a wrap, man,” Chip told reporters as he stood outside on his balcony, a golden ray of sunshine glaring off the top of his partially bald scalp. “I’m quitting my job, leaving my wife for a hot toddy half my age and moving to Florida!”

Moral of the story: It sucks to get old!

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

I hope I made you smile or laugh.

Take care and stay safe, everybody!!!!!!!!!!

My City (Soulja Boy) | I like the beat, OKAY!?

Lol @ my post title.

Hey folks. I’ve been extremely busy the last few days because I’ve falling a bit behind on my bills and, well, a brotha needed to put in some work. That said, I’m throwing together some hastily written satires tonight. Nothing you read today will be that great. Thank you, however, for bearing with me! God willing, I will be back next week with a SLAM DUNK!

Rick Perry Unsure How Old His Wife Is, Despite Having Access To Wikipedia

New Hampshire—While speaking in Portsmouth late Thursday afternoon, Rick Perry admitted to his supporters that he has no clue how old his wife is, even though Wikipedia clearly states that that she was born on March 5, 1952.



“How old do I think the old ball and chain is?” Mr. Perry asked the crowd. “You know what? I have no freaking clue. I do know though from 29 years of living with her that she is pretty darn old. Unfortunately, I don’t think anybody—including even Jesus—knows just how old the ol’ bag is.”

Moral of the story: This piece can be interpreted in one of two ways, depending on whether you have more faith in Rick Perry or Wikipedia—both of which, truth be told, lack credibility.

Rush Limbaugh Almost Finds Racial Harmony In 'Biracial Cookie'

Palm Beach County, FL—Following years of straddling the line between being a total bigot and just an insensitive ass, conservative talk show host Rush Limbaugh almost found racial harmony this past Wednesday courtesy of a “Triple Double Oreo” cookie that contains both chocolate and vanilla cream.



“I have been studying Obameo, as I like to call it, for three days now, and I swear I am very close to realizing that just because blacks and whites have different skin colors doesn’t mean one is superior or inferior to another,” Rush told reporters, his eyes still glued to the cookie.

Unfortunately, Limbaugh’s transcendence was cut short when, in a rage of hunger, he ate the ‘biracial’ cookie.

Moral of the story: Rush is like the real-life Archie Bunker, except that he’s not funny!

-------------------------------

PS #1. I’ve already started working on my slam dunk piece for next week. And it won’t include any politics because I’m frankly too partisan to write genuinely funny political satire.

PS #2. Please register and get ready to vote on October 11th for the 2011 Wake County school board elections. These elections are very important. You know, Mr. Chuck Campbell of the Chuck Campbell Show doesn’t want sodomy in Raleigh because he thinks it’s sick. Fair enough. Likewise, I don’t want segregation in my school system because I think IT’S sick!

PS #3. I know my previous comment probably pissed off 50% or so of the community, but I think I have the right to express my views.

PS #4. I don’t sit around planning a ‘liberal agenda.’ I just stand up for what I believe is right. And I KNOW the Tea Party and republicans do the same thing.

PS #5. Raleigh and NC in general are neither liberal nor conservative since 2008. It’s a mixture, man. Nobody owns the city or state. And nobody ever will anymore. So it’s time to stop being so partisan (looks himself in the mirror) and learn to work with one another. It would help, though, (starts to get sarcastic) if ya’ll would stop calling us liberals “parasites”! We’re nor parasites. We’re pathogens! GET IT RIGHT, DAMNIT! :-)

Night!

Live Your Life (Rihanna/TI)

I chose this song because it fits perfectly with my current mood: to hell with the haters because I got that HEAT, baby, and I’m finnin’ to blow up . . . (eventually, that is)!

Evening. Tonight, I’m going for a primarily non-partisan blog because I’m partisan pooped! So besides a little goofy piece on Romney, this will be mainly for fun and laughs. Enjoy.

Brief Satire: Mitt Romney Leaves Wife For Bank Of America

Belmont, MA—After 42 years of marriage, Mitt Romney has called it quits. According to TMZ, the GOP presidential candidate filed official divorce papers late Thursday afternoon, citing his “love for the Bank of America” as the catalyst for the split.



“I appreciate all the years I’ve experienced with my wife, and I especially appreciate the five beautiful children she gave me, but she just doesn’t do it for me anymore like the Bank of America does,” Romney told reporters while waving around a photo of him and the Bank of America square dancing together.

“When the Bank of America runs its hand down my crotch,” Romney continued as beads of sweat began to drip down his excited face, “it’s like nothing I’ve ever experienced before in my life.”

He added, “Hot damn!”

In Related News: Romney Caught Making Out With Bank Of America At Iowa State Fair Petting Zoo

Moral of the story: Romney and Corporations sitting in a tree: K-I-S-S-I-N-G; First comes love; Then comes marriage; Then comes the lobbyist payment in a golden envelope.

Losers To March For “Vaginal Access” Rights

Washington, DC—In an effort to combat years of undeliberate abstinence, about 300,000 geeks, dorks, nerds, squares, techies, virgins, hipster dufuses and other ragtag losers are planning to march on the National Mall on Saturday. Sponsored by Pointdexters In Need of Kisses, Titties, Ass and Coochie (PINKTACO), the losers hope to draw national attention to their movement for “vaginal access rights.”



“My goal is to bring attention to the plight of every loser in America who must resign himself to brief sessions of early morning masturbation every single damn day because women have and continue to purposefully deny him ‘vaginal access’ for no logical reason at all,” PINKTACO founder Eugene Walters told reporters. “Everyday, another loser walks into my office demanding to know where he can find an accessible vagina, and everyday I have to tell another poor piece of shit that there are none.”

A loser himself, 43-year-old Eugene has only had sex once in his life, and it was with a really, really fat hooker who at the time was pregnant with quadruplets. Since that nightmarish encounter in 1988, Eugene has done everything possible to try to earn the respect of women, including earning an MBA from Harvard University, starting his own pipe-laying business, buying a fancy car, and getting in shape. Despite Eugene’s industrious efforts, however, he has yet, 23 years later, to lay some real pipe again.

“At least I’m not some virgin who has never experienced the sweet joy of tenderly sucking a woman’s lumpy breasts, gently caressing her cellulite thighs, or affectionately licking whip cream off her stomach rolls,” Eugene continued. “Sadly, I can’t say the same for most of my clients.”

PINKTACO’s records reveal, in fact, that of the 300,000 or so losers who are expected to attend the march, over 75% of them are 40-year-old virgins. Also included among the group are computer science students, former House pages, video game tournament champions, and Milton Krumbert, a 38-year-old obese engineer who, because of his strict religious upbringing, has never even watched a pornography video, let alone seen a picture of a naked woman.

“I imagine that a woman’s breast looks something like the graph of the polar equation r = 1+2sin(θ), in that it is likely large and round and features a small circular protuberance somewhere near the bottom,” Milton told reporters, seemingly unaware that female breasts likely look a whole lot like his own fat-ass breasts. “Regardless, I sincerely hope this march proves fruitful because I am so very tired of searching for the delta vagina to my epsilon penis.”

Unlike Eugene, Milton is neither financially successful nor in shape. He is just a simple toad of a man who works hard and spends his free time feeding birds at the park, hoping that one day a woman passing through will recognize the heartwarming sensitivity of his bird-feeding actions and open up her heart to him—and, God Willing, her vagina as well.

However, according to Professor Sheena Nicole from the University of Atlanta’s Department of Female Sexuality, neither Eugene, Milton, nor the 300,000 other losers from PINKTACO stand a chance in hell of ever acquiring “vaginal access rights” given their current mentality. It is her contention that women don’t care about material things or sensitivity, but rather about social skills and swagger.

“What we ladies want is a good-looking man who isn’t afraid to approach us and lay down some game,” Professor Nicole told reporters, holding back puke as she flipped through a photo album of PINKTACO members. “And frankly, none of these dorks have either of the two and probably never, ever will.”

“So they can march all they want,” she continued, “but until they grow some balls and learn to approach a woman correctly, it’s not going to make the slightest difference. And since most of these goofballs are afraid of their own shadows, let alone a fine, strong woman, their best bet is to either become Catholic priests and start messing with little boys, or just turn gay and start poking each other in the butt.”

PINKTACO founder Eugene Walters did not take kindly to the professor’s harsh admonitions.

“First of all, do me a favor and tell Professor Stupidass that she doesn’t know what she’s talking about with her stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, über-stupid ass!” Eugene yelled at reporters. “Granted, anyone needs social skills to succeed in love, but to hell with her argument about game because real love isn’t based on facades; it’s based on real feelings.”

“Look, the bottom line is that we are who we are. And excuse me if I sound naïve, but I find it hard to believe that there isn’t a single woman out there who’s willing to look beyond our faults, however severe, and come to love us for who we are as kind, sensitive loving men who without a doubt totally friggen suck.”

He added, “Besides, the only women who fall for game are those like Snooki, and frankly, I personally would rather eat out Milton’s ass than ever sleep with a woman like that.”

Moral of the story: Figure it out yourself!

-----------------------

PS #1. I needed a name, so I quickly put together K97.5 DJ Sheena J’s first name with K97.5 DJ Nikki Nicole’s last name. It was a spur-of-the-moment decision that had no subversive meaning. If anything, it was meant as an inconspicuous shout-out to my two most favoritest-ever DJs!

PS #2. I want to take a moment to give a shout-out to a person way from my past who hurt me (“pshh… I would never go to his place.” … as if I’m worthless), and who I hurt in return. Though she is way in my past and I would rather eat my dog’s poop than be with her in a romantic way, I still think about her because, for some odd reason, I still really want her respect. Since I know in my heart I’ll never have it, I’m going to add some humor to this shout-out list to make me feel better inside:

Allison D (whore)

Alrighty then.

PS #3. I would really, really love a $400,000 contract. (Thought I’d throw that out there.) I just have no clue how I would turn all this crap into a book. I suppose I could use the creativity I’ve acquired from blogging to write a book that’s funny. That’s possible. But to base the book on these blogs is pointless. Randomized writings don’t function well in a book. A book must have a centralized theme. Suffice it to say, it would take me a year minimum to write a good book—a year involving a lot of meetings, classes, and question-answers (with people who have done it b4 and could offer me advice). This shit is difficult…and I’ve only touched the tip of the iceberg. I truly, genuinely, from the bottom of my heart have no clue what is beyond this point because I’ve become so entrenched in the idea that my dreams are those of delusion, that … I just cannot imagine being beyond this point. [#3 was written at 1:44, while I’m tipsy, so sorry for the melodramatic bullshit]

PS #4. Unexecuted Satire Ideas:

Man Waiting On Amazon Book Order Gives Up Reading And Buys A TV
In Related News: Amazon Blamed For The Dumbing Down Of America

Rick Perry: Prays To God During The Day, Preys On The Old At Night

PS #5. I want to give a quick shout-out to the Hubble Space Telescope. HUBBLE GOTCHU’!



Night, Raleigh, and hopefully, hopefully, hopefully beyond.

August 5th | Girlfriend (B2K)

I need one . . . and I need one BAD!

Evening, assholes. Yeah, this is one of those weeks:

* We got a piece of crap debt deal courtesy of the stubborn-ass GOP and their Tea Party buddies, and it has resulted in our credit rating being downgraded by S&P from AAA to AA+.

* The GOP and their Tea Party buddies blame the president for the downgrade, when it was in fact Obama who proposed a grand bargain that would have shaved 4T from the deficit by combining entitlement cuts with tax increases. And unless I’m daft, it seems to me like S&P’s official press release is indirectly hinting that we should perhaps consider cutting entitlements and increasing taxes (DUH!).

* The underhanded Koch brothers (aka Randolph and Mortimer Duke) are trying to trick Wisconsin democrats by sending out fake absentee forms with an incorrect submission date.

* The Tea Party may be looking to get rid of the federal tax on gasoline and diesel fuel, which is used to maintain our national highways.

* Sean “scumbag” Hannity doesn’t think a man has the right to celebrate his own birthday.

* And a bunch of hardcore right-wingers think Chris Christie has bowed to Sharia Law because he appointed a Muslim American to a state judgeship.

On the bright side, women don’t have to pay co-pays for birth control (I hate condoms!) and the real Nicki Minaj left me a couple more Facebook messages (yayyy!). And oh, in case ya’ll haven’t heard, Nicki Minaj loves me. Yep…!

Anyway… let’s get to some brief satire.

Brief Satire: Overanxious Nerd Gets To “Second Base” With Unidentified Woman

Raleigh, NC—Around 8:20pm on Monday, August 1, 23-year-old Brier Creek resident, hardcore Star Trek aficionado, and overanxious nerd Hardik Gupta got to “second base” with an unidentified woman whom he has never spoken too. Though he doesn’t know her name, age, personality type or relationship status, Hardik is nonetheless confident that he’ll soon get to “third base” and beyond.



“I was jogging on the sidewalk about a week ago when I passed her and she glanced my way,” Hardik told reporters while jumping up and down in glee. “And then when I saw her again this past Monday, not only did she glance at me again, but she threw me some serious eye contact!”

He added, “She wants me, man! I can feel it!”

Hardik believes that it’s only a matter of time before the “serious eye contact” is followed by a “third base” wink, after which the two lovebirds will only be a “fourth base” hello away from starting a photo album and moving in together.

Moral of the story #1: This piece is to designed to make fun of my pathetic, non-existent love life.

Moral of the story #2: Ladies, think very seriously about the ramifications before you look at me or, God Forbid, make eye contact with me!

Brief Satire: Obama Decides To Channel His Inner Rebel

Capitol Hill—So as to please his base, President Barack Obama has decided to channel his inner rebel by buying a pair of rad jeans, taking up smoking again, and totally kicking some republican ass in a game of chicken.



“I am not a chicken!” Obama was heard yelling at reporters outside Capitol Hill late Friday afternoon. “I may have let the republicans bully me into renewing the Bush tax cuts and signing a piece-of-shit debt deal, and I may have let the republicans convince me to show them naked photos of my wife Michelle, but I am not a chicken!”

Spurred by this newfound sense of rebellion, Obama has challenged all the republicans in the House to a one-on-a-bunch-of-idiots game of chicken. His plan is to have everybody race to the very edge of the Grand Canyon.

“The winner will be the one who has the courage to stay in his or her car for the longest before jumping out,” Obama explained.

In Related News: 242 Republicans Fall Off Grand Canyon Due To Sleeves Stuck To Car Door Handles During Game Of Chicken With President

Moral of the story: It’s time to kick some republican ass, Mr. President!

Moral of the story: But please don’t actually challenge them to a game of chicken!

Guinness Names Al Sharpton Most Serious Person Ever

New York, NY— MSNBC host, civil rights activist, and the man whom white people are taught from birth to hate, the Reverend Al Sharpton, has been named the world’s most serious person ever by Guinness World Records.



“After carefully analyzing decades of video footage featuring the Reverend, we’ve come to the conclusion that he has never once in his life publicly smiled, laughed, or made a joke,” Guinness representative Glenn Jenkins told reporters. “In addition, conversations with his friends, daughters, and ex-wife have revealed that he’s the exact same way in private.”

What really drove the conclusion home, however, was a discussion he had with the Reverend’s current hubby, Janet Cooper. According to Glenn, Janet and the Reverend were making love about two months ago, when she suddenly experienced a series of vaginal farts.

“She thought that it was just the funniest thing ever, so she turned to the Reverend and asked, ‘Isn’t that hilarious, baby?’” Glenn explained. “In turn, the Reverend narrowed his eyes, looked right back at her, and asked, ‘Is there anything funny about billions of poor people across the globe, millions of unemployed people in American, and 242 complete morons in the House of Representatives? I didn’t think so!’”

Glenn added, "Rumor is that the Reverend doesn't even smile when he's getting head!"

Moral of the story: Though I am making fun of the Reverend, I am doing it out of respect. The fools who have the audacity to refer to him as a racist can kiss my ass. He’s a great guy who has striven all his life to defend the poor, handicapped, and elderly. And if anything, we could all learn something from his serious and determined approach to life! I salute you, Rev, and eagerly look forward to your weekday commentaries on MSNBC!

------------------------------------------

PS #1. If you like me, then you have to like Reverend Sharpton, because he has done a lot more for others than I ever have. Plus, as I said earlier, he strives tirelessly everyday to stand up for the poor and impoverished. And yeah, he’s made mistakes and he has once or twice stood up for the wrong people. But dude, I think Michael Vick should be allowed to get a dog again. That way, he can bring his dog over to my house and my dog can whip its ass (she a scrappa! j/k). But 4 real… if you think I’m cool, then there is no reason why you shouldn’t think the same of Mr. Sharpton.

PS #2. I kind of desire to be politically active, but I’ve never had much faith in activism. The irony is that the Tea Party has thrown that lack of faith in the water. I absolutely detest them, but they have proven that activism does work. The problem remains that I’m just too shy and can’t do it alone. I need a strong, driven woman by my side. Suffice it to say, I’m waiting for a princess in shining lingerie and red pumps to sweep me up off my feet!

PS #3. Additional song recommendation courtesy of Joe “Too Cool For School” Scarborough: That’s The Way I Like It (KC and the Sunshine Band)

PS #4. Shout-out to K97.5 and the 919 Movement: 4te Da Giant, who on that “Wet Water”; Marc Law, who “On The Grind”; Shelly B, who “Do It For Ya'll"; Brolic, who about to "Move Them Thangs"; Chris Millz, who reppin’ that “BMW”; and the JuStyle crew, who on that “Swag On 100” AND “Put My Hands On You”. NC, STAND UP!

PS #5. Happy 50th birthday, President Barack Obama! Pat Buchanan recently innocently called you a boy, but I don’t think you’re a boy. I think you’re a DAWG! But 4 real, God Bless you and I hope God (or whomever) gives you the strength and power to put these GOP assholes in a chokehold, because they are destroying our country, and that’s 4 real!