Evening. Tonight, I’m going for a primarily non-partisan blog because I’m partisan pooped! So besides a little goofy piece on Romney, this will be mainly for fun and laughs. Enjoy.
Brief Satire: Mitt Romney Leaves Wife For Bank Of America
Belmont, MA—After 42 years of marriage, Mitt Romney has called it quits. According to TMZ, the GOP presidential candidate filed official divorce papers late Thursday afternoon, citing his “love for the Bank of America” as the catalyst for the split.
“I appreciate all the years I’ve experienced with my wife, and I especially appreciate the five beautiful children she gave me, but she just doesn’t do it for me anymore like the Bank of America does,” Romney told reporters while waving around a photo of him and the Bank of America square dancing together.
“When the Bank of America runs its hand down my crotch,” Romney continued as beads of sweat began to drip down his excited face, “it’s like nothing I’ve ever experienced before in my life.”
He added, “Hot damn!”
In Related News: Romney Caught Making Out With Bank Of America At Iowa State Fair Petting Zoo
Moral of the story: Romney and Corporations sitting in a tree: K-I-S-S-I-N-G; First comes love; Then comes marriage; Then comes the lobbyist payment in a golden envelope.
Losers To March For “Vaginal Access” Rights
Washington, DC—In an effort to combat years of undeliberate abstinence, about 300,000 geeks, dorks, nerds, squares, techies, virgins, hipster dufuses and other ragtag losers are planning to march on the National Mall on Saturday. Sponsored by Pointdexters In Need of Kisses, Titties, Ass and Coochie (PINKTACO), the losers hope to draw national attention to their movement for “vaginal access rights.”
“My goal is to bring attention to the plight of every loser in America who must resign himself to brief sessions of early morning masturbation every single damn day because women have and continue to purposefully deny him ‘vaginal access’ for no logical reason at all,” PINKTACO founder Eugene Walters told reporters. “Everyday, another loser walks into my office demanding to know where he can find an accessible vagina, and everyday I have to tell another poor piece of shit that there are none.”
A loser himself, 43-year-old Eugene has only had sex once in his life, and it was with a really, really fat hooker who at the time was pregnant with quadruplets. Since that nightmarish encounter in 1988, Eugene has done everything possible to try to earn the respect of women, including earning an MBA from Harvard University, starting his own pipe-laying business, buying a fancy car, and getting in shape. Despite Eugene’s industrious efforts, however, he has yet, 23 years later, to lay some real pipe again.
“At least I’m not some virgin who has never experienced the sweet joy of tenderly sucking a woman’s lumpy breasts, gently caressing her cellulite thighs, or affectionately licking whip cream off her stomach rolls,” Eugene continued. “Sadly, I can’t say the same for most of my clients.”
PINKTACO’s records reveal, in fact, that of the 300,000 or so losers who are expected to attend the march, over 75% of them are 40-year-old virgins. Also included among the group are computer science students, former House pages, video game tournament champions, and Milton Krumbert, a 38-year-old obese engineer who, because of his strict religious upbringing, has never even watched a pornography video, let alone seen a picture of a naked woman.
“I imagine that a woman’s breast looks something like the graph of the polar equation r = 1+2sin(θ), in that it is likely large and round and features a small circular protuberance somewhere near the bottom,” Milton told reporters, seemingly unaware that female breasts likely look a whole lot like his own fat-ass breasts. “Regardless, I sincerely hope this march proves fruitful because I am so very tired of searching for the delta vagina to my epsilon penis.”
Unlike Eugene, Milton is neither financially successful nor in shape. He is just a simple toad of a man who works hard and spends his free time feeding birds at the park, hoping that one day a woman passing through will recognize the heartwarming sensitivity of his bird-feeding actions and open up her heart to him—and, God Willing, her vagina as well.
However, according to Professor Sheena Nicole from the University of Atlanta’s Department of Female Sexuality, neither Eugene, Milton, nor the 300,000 other losers from PINKTACO stand a chance in hell of ever acquiring “vaginal access rights” given their current mentality. It is her contention that women don’t care about material things or sensitivity, but rather about social skills and swagger.
“What we ladies want is a good-looking man who isn’t afraid to approach us and lay down some game,” Professor Nicole told reporters, holding back puke as she flipped through a photo album of PINKTACO members. “And frankly, none of these dorks have either of the two and probably never, ever will.”
“So they can march all they want,” she continued, “but until they grow some balls and learn to approach a woman correctly, it’s not going to make the slightest difference. And since most of these goofballs are afraid of their own shadows, let alone a fine, strong woman, their best bet is to either become Catholic priests and start messing with little boys, or just turn gay and start poking each other in the butt.”
PINKTACO founder Eugene Walters did not take kindly to the professor’s harsh admonitions.
“First of all, do me a favor and tell Professor Stupidass that she doesn’t know what she’s talking about with her stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, über-stupid ass!” Eugene yelled at reporters. “Granted, anyone needs social skills to succeed in love, but to hell with her argument about game because real love isn’t based on facades; it’s based on real feelings.”
“Look, the bottom line is that we are who we are. And excuse me if I sound naïve, but I find it hard to believe that there isn’t a single woman out there who’s willing to look beyond our faults, however severe, and come to love us for who we are as kind, sensitive loving men who without a doubt totally friggen suck.”
He added, “Besides, the only women who fall for game are those like Snooki, and frankly, I personally would rather eat out Milton’s ass than ever sleep with a woman like that.”
Moral of the story: Figure it out yourself!
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PS #1. I needed a name, so I quickly put together K97.5 DJ Sheena J’s first name with K97.5 DJ Nikki Nicole’s last name. It was a spur-of-the-moment decision that had no subversive meaning. If anything, it was meant as an inconspicuous shout-out to my two most favoritest-ever DJs!
PS #2. I want to take a moment to give a shout-out to a person way from my past who hurt me (“pshh… I would never go to his place.” … as if I’m worthless), and who I hurt in return. Though she is way in my past and I would rather eat my dog’s poop than be with her in a romantic way, I still think about her because, for some odd reason, I still really want her respect. Since I know in my heart I’ll never have it, I’m going to add some humor to this shout-out list to make me feel better inside:
Allison D (whore)
Alrighty then.
PS #3. I would really, really love a $400,000 contract. (Thought I’d throw that out there.) I just have no clue how I would turn all this crap into a book. I suppose I could use the creativity I’ve acquired from blogging to write a book that’s funny. That’s possible. But to base the book on these blogs is pointless. Randomized writings don’t function well in a book. A book must have a centralized theme. Suffice it to say, it would take me a year minimum to write a good book—a year involving a lot of meetings, classes, and question-answers (with people who have done it b4 and could offer me advice). This shit is difficult…and I’ve only touched the tip of the iceberg. I truly, genuinely, from the bottom of my heart have no clue what is beyond this point because I’ve become so entrenched in the idea that my dreams are those of delusion, that … I just cannot imagine being beyond this point. [#3 was written at 1:44, while I’m tipsy, so sorry for the melodramatic bullshit]
PS #4. Unexecuted Satire Ideas:
Man Waiting On Amazon Book Order Gives Up Reading And Buys A TV
In Related News: Amazon Blamed For The Dumbing Down Of America
Rick Perry: Prays To God During The Day, Preys On The Old At Night
PS #5. I want to give a quick shout-out to the Hubble Space Telescope. HUBBLE GOTCHU’!
Night, Raleigh, and hopefully, hopefully, hopefully beyond.
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