And I don’t expect the hurricane to affect Raleigh too badly… but still, I hope everybody is prepared and ready for one helluva weekend!
Let’s go…!
Drunk, Moody Roomie To Other Roomie: “I’m Going To Crush Your Head.”
Boston, MA—Late Friday evening, 34-year-old engineer Mark Coolidge came home from work and, after drinking a few beers and catching up on the news, informed his roomie, 26-year-old freelancer Jack Patch, that he was going to crush his head.
“First he pulled me outside to discuss how we could somehow magically solve all of the world’s problems, and then when I mentioned that maybe we should start by raising taxes on the rich, he suddenly went all ballistic on me by telling me that he was going to crush my head,” Jack told reporters, still visibly shaken from the previous night’s unexpected events.
“The crazy thing about it all was that he showed no emotion. I would have figured he was doing a deadpan comedy bit if I didn’t already know that he has no sense of humor whatsoever.”
When questioned by police about the incident, all Mark had to say was, “I am crushing your head!”
Moral of the story: It’s a long story involving my very-funny roomie, too much beer, and Warren the “cock” Buffett, lol.
Moral of the story #2: Big ups to ‘Kids In The Hall’ (88-94).
Pet Owner Shares Pizza With Dog In Honor Of MLK’s Legacy
Boston, MA—Longtime Dorchester resident Charlie Jones, 25, has decided to share half of his hand-tossed Papa Johns pizza with his 2-year-old German Shepherd, Keanan, in celebration of the unveiling of the Martin Luther King, Jr. National Memorial in Washington, DC.
“I think it’s important that I take a moment to pay tribute to MLK’s heroic struggle for civil rights by letting Keanan, who in the past has been forced to chow down on really cheap dog gruel from a metal bowl, sit by my side at the table of brotherhood and partake in this totally delicious pepperoni and green pepper pizza.”
He added, “Come tomorrow, however, the BOY goes back to eating his gruel!”
Moral of the story: Civil rights obviously don’t apply to stinkin’ dogs, but there was once a time in America when minorities, particularly blacks, were looked upon as dogs. And well, I think it’s important that we don’t forget that. Nor should we forget all the hard work and dedication it has taken to get us this far.
Moral of the story #2: Salute @ Martin Luther King, Jr. R.I.P.
Big-Breasted Woman Sick Of Men’s Inability To See Beyond Her Tits
Memphis, TN—A big-breasted, 27-year-old woman from East Memphis has decided to take a stand against all the men who refuse to see beyond her triple F titties and accept her as a unique human being with a unique mindset.
“You know, just because the majority of my body weight is composed of ‘titular’ mass does not mean that I am just some big, giant boob!” the anonymous woman told a band of male reporters who had purposefully been blinded beforehand to assure they maintain the rigorous standards of quality journalism.
She continued, “I am a human being with a big heart and a huge brain, damnit!”
In Related News: Big-Breasted Woman To Get More Breast Implants
Moral of the story: Shuttttttttttttt upppppppppppppppppppppp!
Muammar Gaddafi Loses Chess Game For Libya
Tripoli, Libya—After 42 years of waging ruthless pawn-on-pawn and queen-on-pawn attacks on both his people and the rest of the world, the internationally famous Bobby Fischer wannabe, Michael Jackson lookalike, and all-time supreme dickhead / despot Muammer Gaddafi has finally lost the chess game for Libya.
“It all started back in 1969 when Gaddafi led a small band of disgruntled military pawns in a move to checkmate King Idris,” NBC Nightly News anchor Brian Williams told reporters. “But after winning the game, instead of sticking to the rules set forth by his predecessor, Gaddafi decided to adopt completely new rules based on his own twisted gaming philosophy.”
“He restricted the moves pawns he didn’t like could make; replaced all his rooks, bishops, and knights with bodyguard queens; and began interfering with other country’s chess games.”
According to Williams, by the 1980s, Gaddafi was kidnapping, maiming, and killing pawns from other countries, as well as training his own pawns to set off bombs on other countries’ chessboards. And then in 1988, Gaddafi purportedly orchestrated the Lockerbie bombing, during which his most loyal pawns set off a bomb that killed 270 pawns from 21 different countries.
“Gaddafi continued perpetrating evil acts for a little over two more decades until just this past spring, when some of his pawns finally acquired the courage and momentum to mount an attack against him,” Williams continued. “Most of the world expected the rebel pawns to loose, but after months of braving it out throughout the dangerous landscape of Libya’s chessboard, they have finally prevailed.”
He added, “It just goes to show that nobody can cheat the game of chess—NOBODY.”
Moral of the story: We don’t make the rules, but we do enforce them. That said, CHECKMATE, BITCH!
Young Man Only One Ear Hair Away From Retiring
Raleigh, NC—Despite eating healthy, exercising daily, and maintaining a relatively low-stress lifestyle, 30-year-old Triangle native Chip Sanders already suffers from numerous old man symptoms, including but not limited to shrunken balls, jiggling man boobs, glaring bald spots, and whisker-like nose hairs. According to his doctor, Sanjay Sandhu, he is in fact just one ear hair away from being ready to retire and move to Florida.
“I’m 58 years old, and even I don’t suffer from as many symptoms of old age as Chip does,” Doctor Sandhu told reporters as he shook his head, which for the record was covered in a full set of gleaming black hair. “It’s like he’s physically aging faster than everybody else, though judging from his income statement, his Social Security benefits are about four decades behind his balls.”
Chip’s descent into dirty old manhood began four years ago when, slightly after his 25th birthday, Chip noticed a thinning patch of hair in the middle of his scalp. At the time, he figured that his barber had merely made a mistake, but as the year progressed and the patch grew larger, it slowly dawned on Chip that he was going bald.
“It pissed me off then and it still pisses me off now because I’m way too young to be suffering this sort of bullshit,” Chip complained to reporters while trying fervently to fill in his bald spots with a Sharpie permanent marker. “Hell, my friggen pubes haven’t even finished growing yet, and I swear there are like a shitload of 15-year-old boys out there who have thicker chest hair than I have hair on the top of my head.”
Unfortunately, things only got worse for Chip. By 2007, he began experiencing great difficulty keeping his penis fully erect while making love to his wife. A year later, the situation grew so dire that he sought out the counsel of a local $5/hour Gypsy therapist.
“I couldn’t afford seeing a regular doctor or paying for Viagra at the time, so I made an appointment with this holistic dude who claimed he could fix my problem,” Chip explained. “The guy had me pumping up my penis like a tire, wrapping it up tight in cock rings, and popping Ginkgo Biloba pills like they were skittles, but none of it worked!”
The situation was eventually rectified in early 2010 courtesy of the Affordable Care Act, which allowed Chip access to subsidized Viagra prescriptions. But by then, the situation had only grown worse. While his penis was finally able to hold onto blood, it suddenly started to lose its ability to hold onto pee.
“I used to wake up, scratch myself, bang my wife, scratch myself again, take a shower, brush my teeth, feed the dog, eat breakfast, read the newspaper, check my stocks, smoke a cigarette and then take a pee, but that all changed in April 2010.”
According to Chip, he was making sweet love to his wife on the morning of April 12 when he suddenly got an overpowering urge to pee. The same thing happened three days in a row, prompting Chip to start taking a pee right after he woke up each morning. Two months later on June 17th, however, he suddenly woke up in the middle of the night with the same urge to pee. It was at that moment Chip realized he was becoming a dirty old bastard.
“I couldn’t believe it, man; I just couldn’t believe it,” Chip whined to reporters while staring icily at his crotch. “A little over two months ago, I was living it up, and then all of a sudden, I couldn’t sleep just 4 measly hours without having to take a friggen pee.”
He added, “It’s like what the hell is wrong with my dick, man!?”
Sadly, Chip’s situation has declined even further since 2010. His pectorals jiggle like breasts whenever he jogs, his shrunken balls droop so low that they sometimes accidentally get stuck up his ass, his hearing is so poor that he misses out on many of his wife’s verbal advances, and his testicles smell so bad that his dog purposefully avoids his presence.
The only thing keeping Chip sane during this tumultuous period of time is the fact that he has yet to sprout an ear hair.
“As soon as the first ear hair shows up, it’s a wrap, man,” Chip told reporters as he stood outside on his balcony, a golden ray of sunshine glaring off the top of his partially bald scalp. “I’m quitting my job, leaving my wife for a hot toddy half my age and moving to Florida!”
Moral of the story: It sucks to get old!
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I hope I made you smile or laugh.
Take care and stay safe, everybody!!!!!!!!!!
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