Hey folks. I’ve been extremely busy the last few days because I’ve falling a bit behind on my bills and, well, a brotha needed to put in some work. That said, I’m throwing together some hastily written satires tonight. Nothing you read today will be that great. Thank you, however, for bearing with me! God willing, I will be back next week with a SLAM DUNK!
Rick Perry Unsure How Old His Wife Is, Despite Having Access To Wikipedia
New Hampshire—While speaking in Portsmouth late Thursday afternoon, Rick Perry admitted to his supporters that he has no clue how old his wife is, even though Wikipedia clearly states that that she was born on March 5, 1952.
“How old do I think the old ball and chain is?” Mr. Perry asked the crowd. “You know what? I have no freaking clue. I do know though from 29 years of living with her that she is pretty darn old. Unfortunately, I don’t think anybody—including even Jesus—knows just how old the ol’ bag is.”
Moral of the story: This piece can be interpreted in one of two ways, depending on whether you have more faith in Rick Perry or Wikipedia—both of which, truth be told, lack credibility.
Rush Limbaugh Almost Finds Racial Harmony In 'Biracial Cookie'
Palm Beach County, FL—Following years of straddling the line between being a total bigot and just an insensitive ass, conservative talk show host Rush Limbaugh almost found racial harmony this past Wednesday courtesy of a “Triple Double Oreo” cookie that contains both chocolate and vanilla cream.
“I have been studying Obameo, as I like to call it, for three days now, and I swear I am very close to realizing that just because blacks and whites have different skin colors doesn’t mean one is superior or inferior to another,” Rush told reporters, his eyes still glued to the cookie.
Unfortunately, Limbaugh’s transcendence was cut short when, in a rage of hunger, he ate the ‘biracial’ cookie.
Moral of the story: Rush is like the real-life Archie Bunker, except that he’s not funny!
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PS #1. I’ve already started working on my slam dunk piece for next week. And it won’t include any politics because I’m frankly too partisan to write genuinely funny political satire.
PS #2. Please register and get ready to vote on October 11th for the 2011 Wake County school board elections. These elections are very important. You know, Mr. Chuck Campbell of the Chuck Campbell Show doesn’t want sodomy in Raleigh because he thinks it’s sick. Fair enough. Likewise, I don’t want segregation in my school system because I think IT’S sick!
PS #3. I know my previous comment probably pissed off 50% or so of the community, but I think I have the right to express my views.
PS #4. I don’t sit around planning a ‘liberal agenda.’ I just stand up for what I believe is right. And I KNOW the Tea Party and republicans do the same thing.
PS #5. Raleigh and NC in general are neither liberal nor conservative since 2008. It’s a mixture, man. Nobody owns the city or state. And nobody ever will anymore. So it’s time to stop being so partisan (looks himself in the mirror) and learn to work with one another. It would help, though, (starts to get sarcastic) if ya’ll would stop calling us liberals “parasites”! We’re nor parasites. We’re pathogens! GET IT RIGHT, DAMNIT! :-)
Night!
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