Evening, assholes. Yeah, this is one of those weeks:
* We got a piece of crap debt deal courtesy of the stubborn-ass GOP and their Tea Party buddies, and it has resulted in our credit rating being downgraded by S&P from AAA to AA+.
* The GOP and their Tea Party buddies blame the president for the downgrade, when it was in fact Obama who proposed a grand bargain that would have shaved 4T from the deficit by combining entitlement cuts with tax increases. And unless I’m daft, it seems to me like S&P’s official press release is indirectly hinting that we should perhaps consider cutting entitlements and increasing taxes (DUH!).
* The underhanded Koch brothers (aka Randolph and Mortimer Duke) are trying to trick Wisconsin democrats by sending out fake absentee forms with an incorrect submission date.
* The Tea Party may be looking to get rid of the federal tax on gasoline and diesel fuel, which is used to maintain our national highways.
* Sean “scumbag” Hannity doesn’t think a man has the right to celebrate his own birthday.
* And a bunch of hardcore right-wingers think Chris Christie has bowed to Sharia Law because he appointed a Muslim American to a state judgeship.
On the bright side, women don’t have to pay co-pays for birth control (I hate condoms!) and the real Nicki Minaj left me a couple more Facebook messages (yayyy!). And oh, in case ya’ll haven’t heard, Nicki Minaj loves me. Yep…!
Anyway… let’s get to some brief satire.
Brief Satire: Overanxious Nerd Gets To “Second Base” With Unidentified Woman
Raleigh, NC—Around 8:20pm on Monday, August 1, 23-year-old Brier Creek resident, hardcore Star Trek aficionado, and overanxious nerd Hardik Gupta got to “second base” with an unidentified woman whom he has never spoken too. Though he doesn’t know her name, age, personality type or relationship status, Hardik is nonetheless confident that he’ll soon get to “third base” and beyond.
“I was jogging on the sidewalk about a week ago when I passed her and she glanced my way,” Hardik told reporters while jumping up and down in glee. “And then when I saw her again this past Monday, not only did she glance at me again, but she threw me some serious eye contact!”
He added, “She wants me, man! I can feel it!”
Hardik believes that it’s only a matter of time before the “serious eye contact” is followed by a “third base” wink, after which the two lovebirds will only be a “fourth base” hello away from starting a photo album and moving in together.
Moral of the story #1: This piece is to designed to make fun of my pathetic, non-existent love life.
Moral of the story #2: Ladies, think very seriously about the ramifications before you look at me or, God Forbid, make eye contact with me!
Brief Satire: Obama Decides To Channel His Inner Rebel
Capitol Hill—So as to please his base, President Barack Obama has decided to channel his inner rebel by buying a pair of rad jeans, taking up smoking again, and totally kicking some republican ass in a game of chicken.
“I am not a chicken!” Obama was heard yelling at reporters outside Capitol Hill late Friday afternoon. “I may have let the republicans bully me into renewing the Bush tax cuts and signing a piece-of-shit debt deal, and I may have let the republicans convince me to show them naked photos of my wife Michelle, but I am not a chicken!”
Spurred by this newfound sense of rebellion, Obama has challenged all the republicans in the House to a one-on-a-bunch-of-idiots game of chicken. His plan is to have everybody race to the very edge of the Grand Canyon.
“The winner will be the one who has the courage to stay in his or her car for the longest before jumping out,” Obama explained.
In Related News: 242 Republicans Fall Off Grand Canyon Due To Sleeves Stuck To Car Door Handles During Game Of Chicken With President
Moral of the story: It’s time to kick some republican ass, Mr. President!
Moral of the story: But please don’t actually challenge them to a game of chicken!
Guinness Names Al Sharpton Most Serious Person Ever
New York, NY— MSNBC host, civil rights activist, and the man whom white people are taught from birth to hate, the Reverend Al Sharpton, has been named the world’s most serious person ever by Guinness World Records.
“After carefully analyzing decades of video footage featuring the Reverend, we’ve come to the conclusion that he has never once in his life publicly smiled, laughed, or made a joke,” Guinness representative Glenn Jenkins told reporters. “In addition, conversations with his friends, daughters, and ex-wife have revealed that he’s the exact same way in private.”
What really drove the conclusion home, however, was a discussion he had with the Reverend’s current hubby, Janet Cooper. According to Glenn, Janet and the Reverend were making love about two months ago, when she suddenly experienced a series of vaginal farts.
“She thought that it was just the funniest thing ever, so she turned to the Reverend and asked, ‘Isn’t that hilarious, baby?’” Glenn explained. “In turn, the Reverend narrowed his eyes, looked right back at her, and asked, ‘Is there anything funny about billions of poor people across the globe, millions of unemployed people in American, and 242 complete morons in the House of Representatives? I didn’t think so!’”
Glenn added, "Rumor is that the Reverend doesn't even smile when he's getting head!"
Moral of the story: Though I am making fun of the Reverend, I am doing it out of respect. The fools who have the audacity to refer to him as a racist can kiss my ass. He’s a great guy who has striven all his life to defend the poor, handicapped, and elderly. And if anything, we could all learn something from his serious and determined approach to life! I salute you, Rev, and eagerly look forward to your weekday commentaries on MSNBC!
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PS #1. If you like me, then you have to like Reverend Sharpton, because he has done a lot more for others than I ever have. Plus, as I said earlier, he strives tirelessly everyday to stand up for the poor and impoverished. And yeah, he’s made mistakes and he has once or twice stood up for the wrong people. But dude, I think Michael Vick should be allowed to get a dog again. That way, he can bring his dog over to my house and my dog can whip its ass (she a scrappa! j/k). But 4 real… if you think I’m cool, then there is no reason why you shouldn’t think the same of Mr. Sharpton.
PS #2. I kind of desire to be politically active, but I’ve never had much faith in activism. The irony is that the Tea Party has thrown that lack of faith in the water. I absolutely detest them, but they have proven that activism does work. The problem remains that I’m just too shy and can’t do it alone. I need a strong, driven woman by my side. Suffice it to say, I’m waiting for a princess in shining lingerie and red pumps to sweep me up off my feet!
PS #3. Additional song recommendation courtesy of Joe “Too Cool For School” Scarborough: That’s The Way I Like It (KC and the Sunshine Band)
PS #4. Shout-out to K97.5 and the 919 Movement: 4te Da Giant, who on that “Wet Water”; Marc Law, who “On The Grind”; Shelly B, who “Do It For Ya'll"; Brolic, who about to "Move Them Thangs"; Chris Millz, who reppin’ that “BMW”; and the JuStyle crew, who on that “Swag On 100” AND “Put My Hands On You”. NC, STAND UP!
PS #5. Happy 50th birthday, President Barack Obama! Pat Buchanan recently innocently called you a boy, but I don’t think you’re a boy. I think you’re a DAWG! But 4 real, God Bless you and I hope God (or whomever) gives you the strength and power to put these GOP assholes in a chokehold, because they are destroying our country, and that’s 4 real!
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