Friday, December 24th | Road to Success (Troop 41) || SIGNED [MERRY CHRISTMAS!]

And yah.... I SAID IT! Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, and Blessed Hate Your Christian Neighbor Jihad Day, haha, J/K.

Happy Holidays, Raleigh! I’ve been quite very busy today spending time with my parents, so this will be a relatively brief post yet again. I hope all of you are having as wonderful a time as my dog and I are having. She’s getting a year’s worth of attention, while I’m eating on a year’s worth of grub. My mom is bent on stuffing me like a turkey, lol.

Anyway. Let’s make this quick…

Raleigh, STAND UP!

Ladies and gentlemen, I have some very exciting news. Local rap sensation Troop 41 has officially been signed to Universal Republic Records, which is the same label responsible for artists like India Arie, Godsmack, Amy Winehouse, Enrique Iglesias, and even Seth MacFarlane.

To these young men with a dream, all I want to say CONGARATULATONS! Not only have you managed to beat all the odds, but you’ve also made Raleigh extremely proud. In addition, you’ve proven that dreams really can come true. I don’t want to be a rapper, but I hope to follow in your footsteps one day by getting ‘discovered’ by someone who sees talent in me. I never thought it was possible, but after witnessing your success, I now know that anything is possible! Well done, gentlemen! God Bless and MERRY CHRISTMAS!



The Best of Both Worlds

A guy on CNN made the following suggestion:

“What is needed is a fiscally conservative and socially liberal state. Imagine paying low taxes and not giving a crap if the 2 gay guys down the street got married. That is paradise.”

Wow. That sounds like a terrific idea. Mind you it’s very simplistic, as it doesn’t take such factors as universal healthcare and social welfare into consideration, but I like its premise—spend wisely and let people be free. Mind you, what do low taxes have to do with fiscal conservatism!?

”We Takin’ Over!”

Rapidly increasing minority population levels has some folks on edge. “It will be fun to see minorities [one day] take it out on the present majority, won’t it?” asked one goofy lass. Lol.

Look, as an Asian immigrant, my only hope is to see the bigots, fanatics, and fear-mongering nuts of every race and religion crushed like little bugs. Everybody else is cool with me. I imagine most immigrants and minorities also feel the same.

Plus at the end of the day, we're all supposed to be Americas. Unfortunately, there’s a tad bit too much persecution, hatred, and intolerance for all that right now, but things will change… and hopefully they’ll change sooner rather than later!

Respect Mother Nature

The whole global warming debate gets on my nerves. I personally subscribe to the theory, but I don’t expect others to necessarily believe it as well. All I ask is that people show just a tad bit of respect to Mother Nature. That doesn’t mean I expect them to recycle, carpool, or participate on Earth Day. I would appreciate it, however, if they’d stop acting like assholes on Earth Day.

You’d be surprised at how many nuts celebrate Earth Day by purposefully turning on all their lights, appliances, and electronics. Yes, there are people out there who hate ‘tree huggers’ so much that they counter every positive ‘green’ action with an equally negative and environmentally un-friendly act.

The irony is they do this because they genuinely believe human activity has no effect whatsoever on the Earth, which I think is absolutely preposterous. I have no intention of turning off my electricity, giving up on trash bags, or taking 5-minute showers, but I’m not going to sit here and deny the effect my actions have on the Earth. Nor am I going to intentionally flick off the Earth by over-using resources. If anything, I try and do a few things here and there to be a bit greener, such as recycle, limit my showers to 15 minutes, and let my dog fertilize the ground with her poop.

I guess I just wish people would stop arguing over global warming, and instead focus on ways to make this a better planet… but it’s as if doing that means selling out humanity. God forbid we as a species admit that we’re selfish creatures who are damaging the planet.

Para Bailar La OBAMBA!

I’m very proud of President Obama. Though I’m not necessarily pleased with all of his decisions, I’m fairly content with his overall performance—especially considering how much he managed to get passed within just these past few weeks alone. DADT was repealed, the 9/11 Health Bill was passed, the START treaty was ratified, and even the Food Safety Act made it through. Well done, President Obama! Keep this up and you will definitely have my vote for the 2012 elections!

Generational Warfare

This week CNN ran a story about how the baby boomers are suffering. I was shocked and dismayed at the comments that ensued. A bunch of angry 20- and 30-year-olds started flinging insults at the elderly, and even accusing them for causing all of our current-day problems. Now look, I admittedly am not the biggest fan of senior citizens because many of them hold extremely conservative views that I dislike. Nevertheless, they are my elders, and so it is my duty to show them a certain degree of respect.

Plus I imagine that I can learn something from each and every one of them, including even those who hold beliefs counter to my own. There’s a certain degree of wisdom that living a long life gives a man or woman—the type of wisdom that cannot be obtained from merely reading a book.

Plus not all seniors are the same…

"Every generation has good points and bad points. People are individuals and do not fall into cookie-cutter designations."

That reminds me. Today I discovered that my Dad loves CNN as much as I do. He told me that he keeps a CNN window open on his office computer all the time. Then when I tried asking him whether he pays attention to the comments section, he quickly replied before I could even finish my question.

“I hate the bloody republicans,” he exclaimed. That I liked. But then he went on a 10-minute rant about how Americans are the dumbest people in the world. I didn’t care too much for that part, lol.

Freedom of Speech vs Super Duper Majority Rule

Some guy was arrested this week for writing a how-to manual for pedophiles. Now 1st amendment fanatics are proclaiming his arrest unjust on the basis that it violates his right to free speech. No offense, but I say fuck his free speech.

Let me ask you this. What percentage of the population do you think has a problem with people peacefully smoking marijuana at home? Now, what percent of the population do you think has a problem with someone who promotes child molestation and abuse? I imagine that at least 95% (if not more) of the population wouldn’t approve of the latter, which in my opinion is reason enough to not allow it.

There’s just no excuse for promoting child molestation. I realize that pedophiles are screwed up in the head, and that they suffer from some sort of ‘biological mental condition.’ But you know what? I have a ‘biological mental condition’ that makes me want to lick my lips and grab my crotch every time I see a sexy woman, but that doesn't mean I actually do it! It’s called being a responsible and moral adult.

Anyway. Free speech is great and all, but if 95% of the population is against something, then that’s reason enough for us to deny it. So don’t even try promoting arguments that cite pro-choice and pro-marijuana movements, because I’m positive that not even close to 95% of the population are against them.

See You Wayyyyyyyyyyyyyy Later

This week I got my medical bills. I owe $1,500 to Ortho, $1,500 to the ER, $1,500 to the anesthesiologist, a couple hundred for X-rays, and around $13,000 for surgery. That’s friggen insane, man! Sheesh…

At first I planned on refusing to pay on the principle that I would have been on insurance if a single-payer system had been passed. However, I can’t do that. These men and women from Wake Med were kind enough to treat me, though I had no money on me. Since they didn’t turn their back on me, I cannot in good conscience turn my back on them.

However, they will not be seeing that money anytime soon, and that’s real! They can try going after me like Sallie Mae, but it’s extremely hard to get money out of a self-employed man who doesn’t use the lousy banking system. I’m about as under the radar as you can legally get.

Real Life Experiences

I mentioned last week how this fracture has been sort of a blessing. I wish I hadn’t fractured my hand, but since I did, I might as well look at it in a positive way. This unfortunate incident has forced me to go out of my comfort zone by making me have to deal with nurses, surgeons, therapists, etc. This increased social activity has had a positive influence on me. I hate to admit this, but real-life communication is a lot more pleasing than online communication.

I hate putting myself in social situations that make me feel awkward, but it’s a great way to derive inspiration, not to mention happiness. I’m just afraid of the BAD situations that might occur. Though positive encounters leave me feeling great, one bad encounter can temporarily damage me enough to dissuade me from even just stepping out the house to check the mail. Anyway.

Don’t Be Stingy, Mr. Scrooge!

I have no problem with successful people. If I ever become successful, you can bet I'm going to get a nice home and two nice cars. However, I'm not going to sit there and hoard the rest of my money and spend a lifetime collecting material things. I'll keep a certain amount (depending on my level of success), and use the rest of it to bless all the people who have affected me, including my parents, my brother, my family in India, my ex-gf, family friends, former friends, current friends, former teachers, arch enemies (maybe I can buy their acceptance, lol), and even those who hurt me.

OJ Simpson Spreads Love Of Jesus Though Tacky Christmas Card

This may be offensive to some readers.

Orenthal James "O. J." Simpson, aka “The Juice,” murdered a woman, denied doing it, wrote a book about doing it, robbed a sports memorabilia dealer, and dated a white woman, which according to the black community is the worst of all his offenses. Sadly, it appears that OJ is up to his usual bullshit yet again.



When Fred Goldman woke up this Christmas Eve morning, he was expecting it to be just like any other Christmas Eve—a day full of joy and celebration with his grandchildren. Then all hell broke loose around 1pm, when Goldman discovered an extremely tacky and insensitive Christmas card from O.J. Simpson in his mailbox.

“I couldn’t believe it,” Mr. Goldman told Insanity Now reporters. “He killed my daughter, but he didn’t have to kill my holiday spirit!”

Indeed. After having brought so much grief to the Goldmans, you would think O.J. could find it in his heart to just let them be. Apparently, he had other plans. But what sort of plans were they? This question led our news team to the Lovelock Correctional Center in Nevada, where Simpson has been confined since late 2008.

By the time we arrived, the warden had already been notified of O.J.’s inappropriate and insensitive behavior, and subsequently thrown him into the ‘hole,’ which is prison slang for a cell with a really big guy hired to sexually molest misbehaving prisoners in their a-“hole.”

Since O.J. was literally tied up—due to O.J.’s size and fiery temper, the warden had to have him tied down naked to the ‘hole’ bed—we decided to speak with other prisoners.

According to O.J.’s cellmate, Roger “The Nutty Nutcracker” Myers, who was serving a life sentence for cutting off 10 men’s testicles and then blending them together into what he referred to in court as ‘the ultimate cocktail,’ O.J. had recently discovered God.

“Ever since he started reading the Bible, he’s been acting strange,” said Myers. “He started talking about repenting for his sins, and blessing the lives of those he has hurt.”

Apparently, he figured the best way to repent for his sins would be to send the Goldmans a tacky Christmas card.

“He knew they were money-hungry Jews,” Myers continued, “but he did it anyway. To be perfectly honest with you, I think he did it just because he’s still mad at Mr. Goldman for taking all his money. When I tried to ask him about it, his face got all red, and then we went into this trance. He kept saying ‘serenity now’ for 10 minutes straight. Then suddenly he opened his eyes, smiled, and walked away. It was weird, dude. Anyway…. just wondering, but how big are your testicles?”

Though Myers’ claim that O.J. sent the card in anger seemed plausible at first, our research revealed otherwise. According to several correctional officers, lately “O.J. had been singing and dancing around like Madea” at the prison’s weekly church service.

“Dude been straight up tripping,” said Darnell Aranda. “He kept interrupting the church service by screaming, ‘Praise Jesus.’ Then after the main service was over, the cat started dancing around and singing like he high off a brick. Then when it was all over n shit, dude went around lecturing everybody about Jesus. Man… no offense, but fuck Jesus. I worship Lord Ganja. Speaking of which, I need to go and uh… talk to that Jamaican prisoner over there with the cigar-looking asthma inhaler in his mouth.”

It seems O.J. really did mean well with his card. Unfortunately for him and his big, black, and hairy butthole, it was a very bad decision. Nevertheless, one question still remained: how the hell did he manage to get a Christmas card published in prison.

For that, we spoke to the aforementioned Jamaican man, a high-ranking prisoner known only as “The Photographer / Graphic Designer / Desktop Publisher / Part-Time Drug Dealer.”

“Mannnnnnnnn,” the extremely high and slower than an Indian boy trying to write satire Jamaican began, “dude was crazy for Gawddd. He wanted to share his love for Jesusssssss, mannnnnnn, so I fucking let himmmmm.”

The multi-talented yet seriously inarticulate Jamaican told us that O.J. sought out his services about two weeks ago. Since O.J. had no commissary to share, “The Photographer / Graphic Designer / Desktop Publisher / Part-Time Drug Dealer” had him stuff drugs up his asshole, and then sneak them from cellblock A to cellblock B. This is good news in that it means O.J. already knows how to handle a big package up his piehole.

After O.J. finally finished paying off his debt earlier this week, the Jamaican set him up for a prison photo-shoot, after which the card was design, printed, and then mailed to the Goldmans.

“Hey mannnn, it was just business to me,” said the Jamaaican.

Indeed. It was business, but none of O.J.’s business. How the Goldmans choose to live their life and who they worship or don’t worship is none of O.J.’s concern. He should have stuck to worrying about himself, but instead he became obsessed with trying to change everyone else around him. And now due to his actions he’s stuck in a cell with a 250-lb Russian who the warden says has a 15” bazooka-like penis.

That’s gotta hurt!

F.I.N.

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That’s it. I think that was really fucking good, especially considering how quickly I wrote it. By 12:50, I was mad because my piece sucked. So I deleted half of it and started over again. And walla. Sometimes IT TAKES TWO… two times around that is! Hahah.


PS #1 – Thanks for tuning in tonight. I hope everyone is having a wonderful weekend! Since I share a townhouse with others, and we have no heat besides our tiny room heaters, my parents stay at a hotel at night. That means I get to continue my weekly tradition of getting drunk and smoking like a chimney. Just somebody PLEASE remind me to spray my room with air freshener before I fall asleep. And uh yeah… e-cigarettes don’t work. They do for some, but…. apparently not me. I guess my dream to ‘smokewithoutfear’ isn’t going to happen, or at least not til I get some more willpower.

PS #2 – Thank you Fox for airing a new episode of ‘Human Target’ this week! I friggen loved it! And I swear… I’m so in love with the character Ames!

PS #3 – Thank you Jay Leno, Jimmy the Fallon Angel (lame play on words), and Conan O’Obrien for working this week! I genuinely appreciate it! However, fuck you Jimmy for yet again not picking my hashtag. Dude… I submitted 10. At least one of them had to be better than the crap you read on air. YOU … YOU … YOUUUU SUCKKKKKK!

PS #4 – "All right, I'll get that kid to eat. Where's my screw driver and my plumber's helper? I'll open up his mouth and I'll shove it in."

ROFLOL! That's exactly how I feel when my dog refuses to eat her food. My favorite ‘Christmas Story’ character is definitely the dad!

PS #5 – "Christmas is not a time nor a season, but a state of mind. To cherish peace and goodwill, to be plenteous in mercy, is to have the real spirit of Christmas." ~Calvin Coolidge

Merry Christmas, folks!

And oh…. if you think I’m weird, just be aware that I think you and your strange Christmas traditions are just as weird!



……..

WTF!?

Friday, December 17th | Blah, Blah, Blah (Some Dude)

Evening. I’m on vacation, and I don’t feel like making a genuine effort because I’m a lazy piece of shit. I do plan to write a full post next weekend in celebration of Christmas. Anyway. This will be really short.

No Shame

The republican senators would rather go on vacation than work to get the James Zadroga 9/11 Health and Compensation Act passed—lest they disrespect their religion. Pshhh. They truly have no shame, and this is coming from a guy who once peed in the shower of a really old house and never apologized for it, even after it stunk up the whole basement. For more information, check out this Daily Show interview with 9/11 responders.

If You’re Happy And You Know It, Clap Your Hands

I’m kind of glad I fractured my hand. I’ll talk about this in more detail next week, but basically it has served as inspiration for me, while also providing me with an opportunity to take a much-needed break. Speaking of which, I spent this entire week setting up my website. At first I was enjoying it so much that I wondered why I gave up on a career in software and web development. I was rudely reminded, however, when things got complicated. In particular, it took me two days to adjust my CSS and PHP pages so that my e-cigarette review pages display correctly. The truth is that I’m just too slow at programming to ever excel at it.

I would love to share the URL, but it’s not even close to being ready for the public yet. I have weeks and maybe even months of work to do (keep in mind I’ll be back to full-time work next week, so I won’t have much time to tackle the site). First I have to complete the design, and then I have to add on at least 100 pages of content. Sighs.

Interesting Insights

A friend of mine has been bugging me all week to watch this video of a 17-year-old girl discussing her Asperger Syndrome. I avoided it because I frankly didn’t care. However, I was quite surprised. It’s a pretty good video. Check it out. Too bad she’s 17, and not 27….. SIGHS! The VERY FEW autistic chicks I’ve met in my age range were all fat, smelly, and wayyyyyyyyyy too weird. I’m a bit offbeat, especially with my writing, but I’m actually a really normal guy. Just ask my dog!

Union Park Residents Launch Lawsuit Against Fellow Neighbor

Is it ever okay to over-decorate your home for the holidays, even at the expense of your neighbors?

That is the subject of a case working its way through the Ramsey District Court in St. Paul, Minnesota, where residents of the Union Park neighborhood have filed a lawsuit against one of their neighbors, Jeffrey Glendale, whom they claim is causing local property values to plummet by over-decorating his home for the holidays.



Their attorney, Alfonso Esposito, claims that Mr. Glendale’s “homosexual tendency” to glamorize his house every “friggin' holiday season” has caused Union Park property values to gradually decline over the past year.

A recent report compiled by Sfg Appraisal CO, a local neighborhood appraiser, estimates that property values have dropped from over $250,000 to around $150,000, which according to Esposito is equivalent to “going from a high-rise condo to the slums, you know?”

This has had a devastating affect on the local community, particularly the kids.

“I like waited eight long months for my dad to die,” said Glenn Tischer, the 19-year-old son of single father Arthur Tischer, who passed away eight months after being diagnosed with terminal cancer.

“Dude, I was planning on like selling the house for $250,000, and then using the money to like buy my own huge tour bus. And then I was going to like go to the UK and get a degree in parapsychology so I could like make a living talking to ghosts and stuff. But now I’m like only going to get $150,000, which isn’t enough for the bus I wanted. What the fuck, dude? How am I going to like get to England now!? This dude Glendale like totally screwed up my education!”

In addition to ruining the dreams of Union Park’s talented youth, Glendale’s exorbitant decorations are also making some Muslim residents extremely uncomfortable.

“I know Jesus died on Christmas,” said suspicious-looking Union Park resident Saif Jamal Rabaie Mustafa Awad al-Zawahiri al-Fadl Saddam Lion King Muhammad Hussein Laden bin as he sharpened a sword with the words ‘Death to America’ engraved on it, “but that still doesn’t make it right.”

He continued, “I love Allah and would give both your life and mine and perhaps your children’s lives as well for him, but you don’t see me putting up statues and blow-up dolls of Allah all over the place, do you? Now get out of here, you dirty hypocrite infidel!”

When confronted about his holiday decorations, Glendale maintained that he was doing it to help his two daughters, Grace and Land, who had been traumatized fourteen months earlier when they accidentally discovered their grandfather dead on their stoop. According to Glendale, his father had been planning to surprise the girls by showing up as Santa. Unfortunately, he suffered a massive heart attack and fell to his death on their stoop, where he was then discovered the next morning when the girls went out to play.



“It devastated them,” said Glendale. “Ever since that day, they’ve been too traumatized to enjoy anything, even a simple holiday.”

“I’m not trying to hurt anyone,” he continued. I just want to make my girls smile again, and if that means decorating the whole damn neighborhood until it isn’t worth shit, then so be it! It’s called being a good a father!”

That’s a beautiful story…. but it’s a total crock. Our research reveals that Glendale has no daughters. In fact, the only reason he has been over-decorating his home is because he’s trying to win the $25,000 ‘Decorate Your Home’ competition sponsored each holiday season by his synagogue.

Leave it to a greedy-ass Jew to ruin Christmas for everyone else.

In the words of Esposito, who tried to warn us beforehand, "Friggen Jews!"

F.I.N.

-----------------------

I know satire is supposed to have a point, but there really was no point to that or any of the pieces I’ve written so far. If you’ve gotten anything out of them, then right on. Just be aware that my only real goal is to come up with sophisticated humor, or at least semi-sophisticated humor. And for the most part, this shit just comes to me. It’s not like I sit down and plan it all out in advance. I just sit down and write, though I take a break now and again to refresh my mind.

PS #1 –

I paid $2 for that dead Santa photo, lol. It’s a stock pic. Hey man…. since I was too lazy to piece together a blog tonight, I felt it was only fair to do my very best to make ya’ll laugh! And by golly, I hope it worked!

PS #2 –

I friggen love Jews!

John Stewart!

Jerry Seinfeld!

Seth McFarlane!

Well actually, they say Seth is an atheist, but he makes so many Jew jokes that he has gotta be a Jew. Speaking of which, I think I’m a Jew, ROFLOL! HAHAHAHA!

4 real though… I LOVE JEWS!

Night all!

Friday, December 10 | The Show Goes On (Lupe Fiasco)

Good evening, Raleigh. This has been a very trying week for me. I went in for surgery Wednesday, after which everyone told me to just sit back and do nothing. The problem is that a man isn’t built to vegetate. I have temporarily stopped working, but I can’t just hit a button and make life stop. I still have to cook, clean, open cans of vegetables using my teeth to clamp down on the can opener, take care of the dog, and express myself. I even tried taking the dog out for a bike ride the day after surgery, but steering the bike proved to be too difficult.

I’m going to go ahead and drop a blog tonight because the show must go on! After tonight and perhaps a movie review tomorrow, I’m going to sit back and let my hand heal as I snack on hydrocodone pills. I literally have enough to open up my own crackhouse! Keep in mind that this blog isn’t going to be all that great. I’m quite loopy from all this hydrocodone, and I’m not all that inspired. Plus typing is a real bitch right now.

Anyway. ON WITH THE SHOW!

Oh, My President...

I’m very disappointed with President Obama. I don’t mind him compromising with the republicans, but I do mind him making an unfair concession. Why is it that the rich are being afforded two additional years of tax cuts, while the unemployed must do with only 13 months of benefits? Perhaps it’s been too long since I’ve done basic arithmetic, but these numbers don’t seem to even out.

At this point, I’d rather that Obama let both the Bush-era tax cuts and unemployment benefits expire, than give in to the republicans. It would reduce the deficit and show the republicans that they can’t bully him into making unfair deals. I realize that it would put an incredible deal of pressure on the unemployed, but I’m sick and tired of the GOP and their tired "trickle-down economics" theory. It’s pure bullshit.

I realize having a full-time job with benefits and vacation is the ideal scenario for most struggling Americans. However, the current condition of our economy demands that the unemployed find new means to earn money and build wealth. Excuse me if this sounds ‘ghetto,’ but people need to learn how to hustle, or make money by any legal means necessary.

Hand out flyers offering to shovel snow or perform yard work; search online for contract positions as a freelance writer, telemarketer, or data entry specialist; or even join a multi-level marketing (MLM) group, if necessary. It’s a difficult lifestyle with no real security, but it’s our only option. Maybe I’m a bit confused right now by all this hydrocodone, but at the moment it seems like the only way we can save the economy is by learning to fend for ourselves, instead of relying on big corporations.

I truly don’t mind corporations in that I have no qualms about shopping at Walmart, eating at McDonalds, or watching and listening to corporate-sponsored entertainment (more on this later). However, until corporations and their many lobbyists decide to play fair, what choice do we as ordinary Americans have?

You don’t want to end up like this guy, do you?



That’s a shame.

Don’t Be a Jackass

This week the Daily Show had a great sketch about not being a jackass. It featured two genuinely bipartisan candidates who refused to run negative ads about each other. It was a really inspirational bit that served as a great reminder to me. I despise the whole GOP movement, but I try to make it a mission to never hate individual republicans. However, lately I’ve been failing at this.

The other day I grew so upset from reading the news, as well as all the associated comments from conservatives, that I jokingly wrote on Bill Maher's Facebook page that we should start a republican genocide. Though I ended the comment with an LOL, there was in fact no LOL in my heart at the time. (j/k....... or am I?)

It's just really hard to maintain my cool sometimes, man. It's like living in a frat house with a bunch of guys who believe in walking around naked. Wouldn't the constant sight and smell of dicks and assholes make you want to act like a jackass? Regardless, it’s my duty as a sane and rational American to control my bad tendencies, which is why I want to apologize to any and all republicans for anything overtly offensive that I may have recently written.

I Blame the Knuckleheads

I’m frustrated with Obama, but I still support him, and I still intend to vote for him in 2012. The people I blame the most for this whole tax fiasco are all the young and indifferent knuckleheads who didn’t vote in November. I especially can’t stand those who didn’t vote because “it’d be like voting for the lesser evil.”

Let’s suppose you had to choose between getting a prostate exam from either a 30-year-old married man, or a 65-year-old grandfather who everyone suspects is gay. Both choices suck, but wouldn’t it be wiser to opt for the 30-year-old, rather than risk getting violated by Grandpa StubbyFingers?

By the same token, how can someone possibly rationalize not voting? It’s because of these idiots, most of whom according to the Pew Research Center are liberal, that Obama is in this bind to begin with. The sad thing is that many Obama supporters are turning against him because of his decision to concede. I just hope this doesn’t cause the democrats to lose the 2012 elections!

Lizard Lick Towing & Southern Craziness

This week reruns of ‘Southern Fried Stings’ were replaced by a show called ‘All Worked Up.’ Featured on this show are the hardworking folks at Wake County’s own Lizard Lick Towing and Recovery, LLC. I was shocked to discover that this show features Raleigh natives. Even more surprising is that these folks are about to get their own TV show on truTV. Congratulations, folks, and thank you for making Raleigh proud!

Lizard Lick Towing is operated by Ron, a gargantuan man with arms, legs, and a gut like a panda bear. Second in command is his beautiful wife, Amy. That such a big and burly man was able to win the heart of such a gorgeous woman is shocking, but in a good way. It makes me wonder, though, whether I have this whole health thing backwards. Instead of trying to lose weight, perhaps I need to put on 100 or so pounds to snag me a beautiful Southern wifey. Mind you, as much as I find Southern women extremely attractive, my northern ass couldn’t handle one. She’d have me cooking dinner and serving her beer as she watched football!

Overall, I really enjoyed the show. It has had a bit of a negative side effect, though. After watching this show, I’m scared to death of southerners! Ya’ll are big, angry, and scary as all hell! I’ve never in my life seen such craziness. A 300-pound man stomping on cars, an angry grandmother chasing after people with brooms, and a skinny ass shit-talker walking around in short-shorts. He was like a real-life version of Lt. Jim Dangle!

The south is a very scary place, man. What I love about the south, though, is the down-to-Earth attitude, as well as the abundance of creative sayings like, “Don't skinny dip with snapping turtles.” Right on!

The Power of Positive Encouragement

This week, a former Facebook friend of mine really hurt my feelings and offended me by insulting my blogs and my attempts at satire. I don’t mind that some people dislike my sense of humor, because comedy is a very subjective artform. Nor am I offended when someone with experience in professional writing or satire offers me some constructive criticism. However, this woman, who for the record has no experience whatsoever in either writing or comedy, went too far when she said that my writing sucks, and that I need to get a real job.

Thankfully, dozens of my real ‘Facebook friends’ popped up out of the woodwork to shower me with positive encouragement. They know that I’m just a struggling amateur with a dream. Plus they realize that the only way to achieve success is to keep trying and practicing. Failures are inevitable, but so is success, so long as you never give up.

I just want to take this moment to thank all of them for their kind words of support and encouragement. I really believe that if we as a people spent more time bringing each other up, instead of pushing each other down, this would be a much better world to live in!

Speaking of subjectivity, Stephen Colbert would say this is art.



But Steve Martin? Not so much…

Ted Turner

The other morning while patiently waiting to undergo surgery at 8:45 in the morning, I had my first-ever encounter with Mr. Ted Turner. He was at the time speaking on MSNBC’s ‘Morning Joe’ news show. I found him to be quite intriguing, so I later decided to perform some research on him when I got home. And to be quite honest, I really liked what I discovered!

This guy is absolutely amazing. I love his liberal philosophy, I love his philanthropic nature, and I love his 70s porn-star look. The guy is absolutely amazing. Now this is a ‘billionaire’ I can respect!

I’m a Toys-R-Us Kid 4 Life

It seems like it’s impossible to brush off the stigma of being a kid. When I was in 7th grade, the HS kids looked at me as a kid. When I was in HS, the college kids looked at me as a kid. When I was in undergraduate school, the graduate students looked at me as a kid. When I was in my mid-20s, the early 30-year-olds looked at me as a kid. And now that I’m in my late 20s, the upper-30s+ crowd looks at me as a kid. Does it ever end?

I can just imagine one day, as a 70-year-old, signing up at a nursery home. “Look at that punk kid,” says the 100-year-old senior.

I guess I’m just meant to be a Toys-R-Us kid for life!

Mr. Mainstream

I’m a very mainstream person, in that I love mainstream television, mainstream music, and mainstream culture. Though I’m a bit offbeat in certain ways, I tend to for the most part stick with the mainstream.

One of my favorite music artists currently on the radio, for instance, is Drake. I admire him so much that I secretly refer to him as ‘Drake the God.’ When I look at him, I see a young, light-skinned brother like me. And when he sings about that “Slumdog Millionaire Bollywood flow,” it resonates very deeply with me.

Many people dislike Drake, Lil Wayne, Justin Bieber, Willow Smith, and other mainstream artists, however, because they’ve been commercialized. Drake didn’t just pop up out of nowhere. A record producer discovered him, and then packaged him into a ‘product’ that Americans would eat up like cake. And guess what… the strategy worked.

I realize, though, that many people despise this system of commercialization. However, they have the right to listen to something else. I say that if you don’t care for mainstream music, then you should just stick to underground music. I personally can’t stand underground music, so I stick chiefly with mainstream music.

To me, underground music lacks quality. The process of transforming from a nobody to a superstar means going through multiple levels of ‘quality assurance.’ This prevents any one of the tens of thousands of wannabe musicians from having their music invade the airways. It’s an unfair system, in some regards, but it’s designed like this to appeal to the masses.

Justin Bieber and Drake may not be the most talented singers in America, but the ‘Justin Bieber’ and ‘Drake’ packages work. Everyone is entitled to like or dislike whatever he or she wants. My point is simply that though many people whine and complain about mainstream music, it’s their fault and only theirs for wasting their time on something that’s not even relevant to them. If you’re not into mainstream culture, just shut up and look elsewhere!

That’s all I’m saying……..

At the end of the day, it’s all about different strokes for different folks!

President Obama Hosts Bipartisan Orgy at “White House of Love”

In celebration of his decision to extend the Bush tax cuts for the wealthy and screw over middle America, President Barack Obama organized a bipartisan orgy that was held at the ‘White House of Love’ on Friday, December 11. Guests included the president, every republican politician in America, former president Bill Clinton, radio host Rush Limbaugh, conservative commentators Anne Coulter and Michelle Malkin, New York Congressman Charlie Rangel, and, of course, Professor Stephen Hawking.



According to White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs, the bipartisan bash was designed to give everyone who helped bring tax cuts for the rich to fruition a chance to soak his or her royal oats. It comes just nine months after the first bipartisan orgy, which occurred right after the healthcare bill was passed.

“I wasn’t too happy about this one,” said Gibbs. “The first orgy featured beautiful ladies like Hillary Clinton and Nancy Pelosi.”

“This time we were stuck with Anne Coulter and Michelle Malkin. Being with Coulter felt like making love to a mop, while getting head from Malkin made me reminisce about this one time several years ago when I was visiting Mumbai, and I stuck my dick through a rusty, pee-stained glory hole. It was unpleasant back then, and it was even more unpleasant this time around.”

However, not everyone had a lousy time. The White House maids reported seeing former president Bill Clinton take a body shot off Michelle Malkin’s stomach. He was later seen outside, telling reporters, “I did not have a body shot with that yellow woman!”

Also in attendance was New York Congressman Charlie Rangel, who, when questioned about his recent Congressional censure, replied, “I know in my heart I am not going to be judged by this Congress. I’ll be judged by the size of my black penis.”

One of the most signature guests at the bipartisan orgy was professor Stephen Hawking. We found him slumped in his wheelchair, watching the festivities with gloomy eyes. When we questioned him, he expressed his frustration with the lack of females at the gala.

“I’m retarded, not gay,” he said. “The entire White House is full of republican men right now. It’s like a bunch of dicks and assholes walking around showing off their dicks and assholes.”

We managed to finally cheer him up by paying one of the maids to play with his joystick… and I don’t mean the one he uses to maneuver his wheelchair.

Surprisingly, the least happy guest at the affair was none other than Rush Limbaugh. Throughout the entire event, he kept complaining about the abundance of American Indian maids.

“They keep demanding reparations after having taught our children to smoke tobacco,” said Limbaugh, “and now they keep asking me to leave them a tip, even after they screwed up my order. I wanted my steak medium rare, not rare!”

Overall, it was a decent affair. Men fucked women. Men fucked men. And Rush Limbaugh got too drunk and accidentally fucked an American Indian woman. She’s now pregnant.

Oh well… all is well that ends well!

F.I.N.

-------------------

That’s it for tonight. I know it wasn’t very good, but I’m rather out of it right now. To be honest, this whole blog sucks ass, but at least I tried my best. That’s all I can really do. I hope to do better next week!

PS #1. I’m loving all the holiday lights across Raleigh! I wish my family had been into going all out for the holidays, but they liked to keep it simple. I dream of a day faraway in the future when my kids and I spend an entire afternoon buying decorations and then putting them up. I don’t know if that day will ever come, but I sure hope it does.

PS #2. What the hell is up with the weather in Raleigh? I feel like I’m in Indiana! This cold weather just won’t let up! I truly am FED UP with it!

PS #3. If you’re interested in furthering your education, think about taking courses at Wake Tech. I just got a copy of their Spring catalog today. They’re offering courses in bionetworking, construction, computers, hospitality, plumbing, and much more! Learn some skills, get good at it, and then advertise your services!

PS #4. I probably won’t be back tonight because my hand seriously hurts. Actually, I’ll be back at least once. I want to show ya’ll something. And oh... I haven't managed to quit smoking. I've lowered it a bit, but it's just so hard! SO SO HARD!

PS #5. Since I’ve been going off on republicans, I figured I’d even it out my taking a jab at Obama. So here is my jab. Enjoy.

Friday, December 3rd | Golden (Jill Scott)

Good Evening, Raleigh! This is going to be a very difficult blog to prepare. This week I suffered an upsetting bike-related injury that has greatly inhibited my ability to work efficiently and effectively. For the next six to nine weeks, I have to type, use my mouse, eat, wipe my butt, jerk my chicken, and scrub my oily body almost exclusively with just my left hand. The latter is proving to be especially difficult. Last night I dropped the soap at least 10 times! Thankfully, I was all alone in the shower! What’s interesting though is that I managed to achieve an amazing orgasm with my left hand. I guess changing routines really does make one’s sex life better!

Anyway.

I’m trying to take this injury and its unfortunate repercussions in stride. Am I mad? Certainly. I’m angry, frustrated, bitter, and interested in using my stiff, cast-armored appendage to stab the persons responsible in their eyes. The person or entity I hold most responsible, though, is God!



Bastard!

I’m mad and frustrated, but the key lies in overpowering all these negative emotions with positivity. Things are going to be extra rough, but I have to keep it moving. Since I can’t keep up with my regular work schedule, however, I’ve temporarily suspended two of my ‘jobs’ for the time being. I won’t be making nearly as much money for the next 6 or so weeks, but it will give me a much-needed opportunity to slow down and ‘smell the roses,’ as well as figure out a way to avoid all the bill collectors that are going to be coming after me soon. I’m scheduled for surgery next week. Ay yi yi!

Plus typing slowly is forcing me to think more critically. For the past couple of weeks, my blogs have been crap, crap, crappity squared. I haven’t really been trying. I’ve been so desperate to produce a high quantity (2500+ words) blog that I’ve been sacrificing quality. Since there is no way in hell I can produce a 3000+ blog anymore, I might as well take the time to really think about what I’m saying.

Anyway. Let’s get to some fun stuff!

I Can’t Take It Anymore

The GOP is really starting to piss me off. It’s like they’re against anything and everything positive. They’re more concerned with making sure Ben Stein ("Bueller?...Bueller?") doesn’t suffer from a “slightly higher marginal tax rate,” than they are with promoting food safety, equal rights, and nuclear disarmament. I wouldn’t be surprised if they continue to throw hissy fits, even after the tax issue is resolved.

Granted, I understand the controversy surrounding the Development, Relief and Education for Alien Minors (DREAM) Act, not to mention the potential repeal of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell (DADT). However, there is no reason on earth for them to block passage of the Food Safety Modernization Act, the James Zadroga 9/11 Health and Compensation Act, and the Strategic Arms Reduction Treaty (START).

According to the Heritage Foundation, the Food Act permits the FDA to have a say in how farmers grow products. This means they can establish “rules governing soil, water, hygiene, packing, temperatures, and even what animals may roam which fields and when.” It also authorizes the government to charge food manufacturers for the additional facility inspections.

It sounds pretty good to me, but not to Glenn Beck. He says the Food Act is paramount to more government control, higher taxes, increased food prices, and eventual “starvation.” Sighs. Listening to Glenn Beck pains me more than trying to scratch the upper left side of my back with my fractured hand. Regardless, Beck is full of shit.

Another GOP ‘news’ source claims the bill would give the government the power to arrest anyone for simply growing backyard vegetables and selling them at a farmer’s market. This is pure and simple fear mongering. According to USA Today, an amendment added by Senator Jon Tester of Montana “would exempt from regulation farms that do less than $500,000 in sales a year; that sell only within 275 miles of the farm; and that sell only on the farm or to farmers markets, restaurants or grocery stores.”

As for the Zadroga Act, the GOP is scared that compensating the brave aid workers who suffered health complications from working at the 9/11 ruins would lead to “job-killing taxes.” I agree with Rush Limbaugh that we should allocate more funds to families of American military personnel killed in combat (assuming I’m not misinterpreting his words), but that’s an entirely separate issue. What we’re talking about here are people who put their lives on the line—and some of them even died—to try and save victims of 9/11!

Last up is the START initiative, which the GOP feels would put us in a vulnerable position. Admittedly, this is a very complicated treaty that I haven’t yet had the chance to thoroughly review. From my current vantage point, however, I see no reason why we shouldn’t work with Russia to reduce our stockpiles of nuclear weapons.

I seriously cannot take it anymore, which is why I’m about to go shopping. Wish me luck!



E-Cigarettes

Due to the injury I sustained, I’m going to have to permanently quit smoking. This includes e-cigarettes. So though I’m freaking miserable right now, this injury will in fact end up ultimately saving my life. It’s amazing how the world works, aye?

Speaking of smoking, electronic cigarettes are not all they’re cut out to be. I was overly excited last Friday, but during this past week I discovered that e-cigarettes kind of suck. They do take care of the craving, but there’s nothing quite like the taste of a cigarette—let alone the sensation of 4,000+ carcinogens poisoning my body. Mmm… kill me now, baby!

I still readily recommend e-cigarettes as a smoking alternative, but I’m not going to lie. It’s not the same. It doesn’t taste the same and it doesn’t feel the same. More importantly, it’ll never replace the joy that can be obtained from smoking a square after a sensual session of masturbating! Mind you, switching to e-cigarettes is a lot easier to handle than trying to quit smoking cold turkey.

Just watch out, though, because after this weekend of drunken revelry, I won’t be smoking anymore, so I’m going to be more moody than a butch lesbian with P.M.T.

Miscommunication

There’s a lady whom I believe doesn’t like me. In fact, I’m pretty sure she thinks I’m a jerk. It’s quite unfortunate because she has me all wrong. Sadly, this happens often with me.

As a very anxious individual, I sometimes use techniques to calm myself, especially when I’m feeling extra nervous. My most commonly used tactic is to repeat what I see— lighter, Day’s Inn, oranges, Miller High Life, etc. This unfortunately tends to backfire.

For instance, I was about to walk out of a grocery store isle when I spotted someone turning the corner. It made me nervous, so I immediately said ‘crackers’ in regard to a box of crackers on the shelf. The Caucasian who appeared must have heard me and misinterpreted my intention, because he frowned and gave me a ‘mean mug.’

Something similar happened with the lady. I was waiting for my order at a fast food restaurant when a customer walked in. I immediately grew anxious, so I started pacing and repeating what I saw. While he was ordering, I decided to walk over to another part of the store. Along the way, I passed by the ‘trash’ can right behind him. And well, I think the lady behind the counter thought I was referring to the man.

Sighs. Really? Have you seen how I dress? Have you seen the doggy-bite-mark hole in my right shoe? Have you seen my HAIR? Why would I call someone else trash, when I myself look like I was just released from a mental ward ;-).

I understand these miscommunications are my fault, but it still sucks. I’m not trying to insult or demean other people. I’m just trying to cope with my social anxiety. I am nonetheless sorry for the confusion I sometimes cause. Just be assured that if you hear me use the terms ‘cracker’ or ‘trash,’ I’m not referring to you—unless of course you’re Rush Limbaugh, a man who believes the American Indians owe white people reparations.

Speaking of classic cases of miscommunication…



By the way, if you ever hear me say ‘penis’ in a grocery store, it means that I just saw a humongous bratwurst that reminded me of myself.

A Look Inside a Screwed-Up Mind

I think I have ADD, not to mention Asperger Syndrome, Social Anxiety Disorder, Impotence, and B.G.D. (Big Ego Disease). I’m not going to make excuses or ask for help, but I would like to give you a brief glimpse into my mind.

If you were to spend 20 minutes lecturing me about Ronald Reagan, and you were to then ask me questions about the lecture, my answers would probably provoke you to accuse me of not paying attention. That wouldn’t necessarily be the case, though. The truth is that it’s extremely difficult for me to absorb information that I can’t connect with. To me, all the information in the world is like a bunch of shapeless pieces of a puzzle. Until I’m able to pick up on a cue that helps my mind shape the pieces, I can’t piece together the puzzle.

For instance, I’ve heard of and even looked up the word orthopedics at least one hundred times, but it’s never stuck with me. After having suffered a fracture, however, I guarantee you that I will never forget its meaning.

Here’s another example. Prior to watching Hotel Rwanda, I read a few Wikipedia entries to get a general idea of the Rwandan Genocide. To be honest, most of the information didn’t really make sense to me. It wasn’t until I started watching the movie that the pieces started to take shape and come together in my mind.

This is a very frustrating ‘condition’ because it impedes my ability to learn new information. It’s in fact the very reason names and dates mean nothing to me. I’m much better at learning ideas than I am at learning specific facts. On more than one occasion in college, I studied so hard for a test, only to fail because the teacher decided to focus more on facts and figures than ideas. It was very frustrating.

I guess my point is that you shouldn’t necessarily assume someone isn’t paying attention. Some of us can tune in and try our hardest, but unless what you’re saying is relatable to us in some form, we’re just not going to get it.

Soul Train

I missed the 2010 Soul Train Awards last Sunday, but I was fortunate enough to catch their two-hour Soul Train special. I was really blown away by it. Soul Train was a cultural phenomenon that spawned some of the best music, flyest clothes, and hippest dance moves of the 20th century. I got to give it up to Don Cornelius for creating the masterpiece that is… Soul Train!

However, I also have to give it up to Keenan Ivory Wayans for coming up with the pseudo-masterpiece known as… OLDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD TRAIN!



La Dog

The dog is still with me. I was very frustrated with her last week, but things are better now. Some people were clearly irritated by my rant, but they can kiss my ass. I’m done apologizing for just being myself. I may be a rash, immature, and arrogant ass, but dayumnit… that’s just who I am! Either love it or hate it, because if I ever change, it’s going to be on my own terms!

Anyway.

She’s a bit frustrated because we can’t go biking anymore. She’s also being picky about her food. I have to mix it with ketchup for her to eat it, lol! Overall, though, we’re maintaining. I did call Animal Control, but I changed my mind at the last minute. They were ready to come out here and get it, but I just couldn’t do it. I guess I do kind of love her big-eared, “ugly” ass. Just do me a favor, God, and make sure my future wife don’t end up bein’ as butt-ugly as my dog! AND YOU KNOW THAT’S RIGHT!

Who’s to Blame?

They say the government is to blame for outsourcing. I disagree. Here’s a simplified case scenario I’ve developed to present my argument.

Bad corporations do wrong things.

When the government tries to regulate these bad corporations and make them accountable, they strike back by outsourcing.

So is it the government's fault?

Suppose your son does something bad, so you ground him. Then later that day, you find out that he retaliated by drawing on the walls of his room. Should you bend over and apologize? Or should you ground his butt to dust!?

I realize this is a very simple analogy, but do you see at all what I’m trying to say? It’s not the government’s fault that greedy, slimy corporations counter government regulation (which I feel is a good thing) with actions that hurt the general public. It’s the corporations’ fault for being assholes.

Klan Member Suffers Fatal Heart Attack After Being Forced to Watch Roots

Though this was partially inspired by real events, it’s a total piece of fiction. Also note that it’s 12am and I’m trying to piece this all together with a fractured hand. So don’t expect anything spectacular!

Avid bicyclist and Ku Klux Klan member Nathan Bedwetter Forrest Ranger suffered a fatal heart attack after he was forced to watch Roots by an enraged band of African American patients at the WakeMed Emergency Department in Raleigh, NC.



It all started on the evening of December 28, when Nathan, 28, tumbled into a ditch while riding his bicycle to McDonalds to retrieve a scrumptious treat for his wife of six-months, Queen Shiba the dog (check Offbeat White Trash News for additional information).

The accident, which according to Nathan was the result of a construction company that had failed to properly cordon off a dangerous zone, displaced his pinky finger.

“He started cryin’ out for his mama like a punk bitch,” said Mandingo Okonkwo, an extremely dark-skinned African American man who witnessed the accident, called 911, and then subsequently used his complexion to hide in the shadows in fear of being arrested for non-payment of child support.

“I would have left, but I wanted to see what was gon’ happen to that cracker.”

When emergency officials arrived, Nathan was immediately hauled off to the WakeMed Emergency Department, which at the time was brimming with patients due to a shoot-out that had just occurred on Poole Road, SOUTH SIDE!

Upon seeing the large congregation of African Americans in the emergency room, Nathan foolishly decided to make a statement by using hospital bed sheets and a Sharpie marker to construct a makeshift Klan outfit.

His thoughtless actions were met with an immediate backlash by the patients.

“I’ve never seen anything like it,” said Sumit Saxena, a young Indian man who was sitting quietly in the corner when the incident broke out. “Suddenly gun-shot victims were hopping off their beds like zombies who were just brought to life. The entire room went berserk.”

Fueled by Nathan’s racist remarks, not to mention the fact he was crying like a baby over a mild pinky injury, over 60 African American patients rushed him, and then proceeded to tie him up.

“I’ll never forget what happened after that,” said Rusty Owens, a WakeMed security guard who was rendered immobile by the stampede. “They led him over to this large TV on the wall, and this one guy... this DVD dealer... he put in a DVD of Roots. Then the whole room went quiet, except for the Klansman of course!”

According to bystanders, Nathan screamed, pounded his tied-up fists together, stomped hit feet on the floor, and made pouty faces for an hour.

“But then suddenly,” said Lateisha, a 23-year-old African American woman whose weave was violently ripped off her scalp during a cat fight on Poole road, “the scene where Kunta got whipped came up. And I don’t know. Suddenly he got all quiet and shit. It was unreal.”

It wasn’t unreal, though. It was real. It was all too real for Nathan, who after a lifetime of being brainwashed by the Klan, finally had a revelation.

“OMG!” Nathan reportedly exclaimed. “I’m a got-dang piece of white, dog-fucking racist trash!”

Finally, after so many years of following a dark path, Nathan had awakened to the glory of righteousness. It was like he was a new man, said Rusty. He cried and hugged his African American kidnappers. And he even spoke to the Indian.

“Instead of saying I stinked,” said Sumit, “he said I just smelled different. It was a very touching moment for me!”

Unfortunately, it lasted only a short while. According to onlookers, Nathan’s gargantuan mother showed up 15 minutes later. She then proceeded to kiss him on the lips, rub her bosoms in his face, cradle his cock with her grease-laden fingers, smack him on the cheeks, and then lecture him on the merits of racism.

Upon waking up from the ‘dream’ of revelation and realizing that he had hugged African Americans, Nathan suddenly suffered a fatal heart attack and died.

It appears some people just can't handle the truth. Oh well...

F.I.N.

[It’s not wrong to say - He was like a new man, said Rusty. It just means I’m paraphrasing him.]

---------------

Well, that’s it, folks. I likely won’t be back tonight because typing is a total pain in the butt right now. I’m dead exhausted. I’ve been in front of this keyboard almost all day long. It really really sucks and I’m obviously a bit depressed. However, I may change my mind once I become giddy with alcoholic glee! Yayyyyyy! Regardless, though this injury sucks, it’s not going to stop me from taking charge of my freedom and living my life like it’s GOLDEN, and you certainly know that’s right!

PS #1. Thank you ABC for temporarily bringing ‘The Whole Truth’ back. It’s like a charming, playful version of Law n Order. Don’t get it twisted, though, because it’s no less compelling! It just has this certain je ne sais quoi quality to it! By the way, thank you for teaching me a new word, Mr. Colbert!

PS #2. Louis C.K. is the GREATEST comedian of our time. He was on the Tonight Show tonight, and he had me laughing for 15 minutes straight. This guy is a comedic genius. Wow. Wow. Wow. THAT is talent! He needs his own TV show! It should be like a follow-up to Everybody Hates Chris: Everybody Really Really REALLY Hates Louis. Lol. Amazing.

PS #3. Equally amazing was Jay’s interview with rock climber Aron Ralston. This guy is so charismatic and charming. He’s an amazing young man and a true inspiration. However, Jay feels that people suffering from drug- & emotional-related problems should just merely read Aron’s story. I understand where he’s coming from, but somebody suffering through an emotional ordeal isn’t necessarily going to be able to relate to Aron, a good-looking and married man who almost died while rock climbing.

To be perfectly honest, during my most troubled times (including when I used to prostitute myself for money), I didn’t give a shit about other peoples’ experiences. I just wanted somebody to listen to MY EXPERIENCE and actually care, understand, and maybe even empathize. Don’t get me wrong. I love this Aron guy and I greatly look up to Mr. Leno (other than the fact that he has so many cars, yet he can’t spare one for me, lol), but I have to keep it real.

PS #4. I want to take a moment to thank all the Wake Med nurses and doctors who helped me out this week. I really appreciate your kindness! I especially want to thank an extremely awesome woman who made me feel like a giggling little girl, aka a Sweetie Pie. (angel face smile) lol. It was a bit awkward being called a sweetie pie, but it was endearing and heartfelt, so I want to wish you a thank you from the bottom of my cholesterol-clogged heart ;-).

PS #5. It astonishes me that the GOP is more concerned with extending tax-cuts for the rich, than they are with extending unemployment benefits. Watch out seniors, because they’re coming for you next!

Friday, November 19th | U Can't Touch This (MC Hammer)

It’s Feel Good Friday, folks! And there are less than 7 days til good ol’ Thanksgiving! Whoo hoo!

I don’t know about you folks, but I seriously deserve this weekend! I’ve been working so hard, it’s not even funny. I’m currently working part-time for four different companies. I could just work full-time for one, but I’m prone to quickly becoming bored. Performing different types of writing—reports, reviews, news, blogs, etc.—keeps me fresh and enthusiastic, which is a must for staying productive.

Anyway. Let’s get to some interesting discussions.

Get Yo Mutha****ing Hands Off Me!

The big story on everybody’s mind this week is the introduction of a full-body scanner by the Transportation Security Administration (TSA). Passengers must either be scanned, or face a thorough pat down. Personally, I don’t mind putting my curvaceous, Herculean body on display for TSA security officials to gawk over. Nor do I mind if an official, whether male or female, touches my junk or accidentally gets his or her finger stuck up my pie-hole. Nevertheless, let’s take a brief look at some pros and cons (Fallon!).

Pros: We are in a state of war, which demands that we sacrifice some of our civil liberties in exchange for enhanced national security. Things may seem peachy clean at home, but we have thousands of troops in the Middle East risking their lives everyday to combat one of the most elusive foes in human history: terrorists. And these terrorists aren’t stupid. If anything, they’re highly intelligent and skilled practitioners of evil who’ll do anything to kill Americans—including sticking bombs up their piehole.

Cons: We’re fighting to bring democracy and freedom to the Middle East, yet at the same time we’re disregarding the very tenets that define our country and constitution. Safety is important, but so is every American’s right to not have their privacy infringed, let alone their bodies forcefully exposed to potentially dangerous radiation. Where will it stop? How long until these methods of ‘enhanced national security’ start showing up everywhere—at bus stops, subway stations, and even schools?

Conclusion: This is a difficult debate with no right answer. What disturbs me the most, though, is that some people, even those of a darker persuasion, believe that we should force only Muslims to undergo these extreme measures. I realize that people aren’t thrilled about what’s going on, but profiling is certainly not the answer. However, Israel might have a potential solution. Check it out: The Israelification of Airports.

Just remember, folks…. though things are bad, at least our airports aren’t been ran by Hamas!



Everybody Pays Taxes

Conservatives hate the social welfare system because it uses up their tax money. What many of them seem to not realize though is that we all pay taxes—conservatives, liberals, moderates, etc. My point is that we should all have a say in how our taxes are spent.

However, wouldn’t it be nice if we could each individually choose where our tax money goes? Can you imagine if each year the IRS provided a form with a list of checkboxes that we could select? This would allow conservatives to funnel their hard-earned tax dollars into defense, social security, and whatever else they deem important. By the same token, liberals could direct their taxes toward social welfare, education, and universal healthcare.

It’s just a thought, but still… I quite fancy the idea of us the people having the power to control where our money goes. It seems a lot more democratic than the current piece-of-shit system that’s in place.

Pseudo-Intellectuals

What is a pseudo intellectual and what is a loser? I frequently hear these terms, but I don’t get their meanings. Let’s begin with an analysis of the former.

Sometimes I get called a pseudo-intellectual, and to be quite honest, it irritates the bloody hell out of me. I admit that I’m neither brilliant like Franklin Mumford (‘My Wife and Kids’), nor a professor like my esteemed father. Nevertheless, I possess enough wit to perform research, analyze information, and reach my own conclusions. If that’s not a sign of intellectualism, especially for a 28-year-old, then I don’t know what is!

I guess some people are so intellectually gifted that they view anyone beneath them as a pseudo-intellectual. That’s unfortunate because one’s IQ isn’t the only determining factor behind intelligence. There are a host of different considerations to factor into the equation, such as emotional intelligence, common sense, and humility. A guy may have a 160 IQ, but if he gets shot because he refuses to give his wallet to a thief, then ultimately… he’s a fucking moron. Lol

But seriously, I get frustrated when people call me dumb, because I know for a fact that I’m fairly smart. I’m not a genius and I likely will never be one, but I’m positive that I’m not a dumbass—though admittedly, sometimes I pretend to be one to garner laughs ;-).

Losers

To me, losers are people who leech off others because they’re unwilling to make a genuine effort to sustain themselves. Mind you, those with legitimate disabilities or disorders that prevent them from taking care of themselves certainly don’t fit this profile.

Society apparently has a different definition of a loser. As far as I can tell, a loser is anyone who either fits or doesn’t fit the status quo. For instance, Facebook haters think Facebook users are losers with no real life, whereas Facebook lovers think Facebook haters are anti-social losers who live in a dark dungeon underneath their Mothers’ homes.

What really cracks me up though is when people refer to successful people, including celebrities, as losers. How can you equate having money, a home, and a great career with being a loser? I for the life of me cannot make this connection. “Angelina Jolie is a loser,” said the 225-pound, chain-smoking waitress on a break from Red Lobster.

But truthfully, the biggest loser of all is the Universe!



That’s a shame.

Happy Meals, Four Loko, and Cigarettes

Some people feel that the government’s persistent attempts to regulate what products we can consume or use is turning us into a nanny state. San Francisco has banned toys from Happy Meals, federal officials are planning to outlaw Four Loko, and the FDA is trying to curb smoking by redesigning cigarette packaging—which, truthfully, doesn’t exactly fit the nanny state profile, but still.

By the way, Nana, I'm well aware that smoking is going to make me (a man) get pregnant and eject a black, oily 'Skin of Evil' (Star Trek: TNG) baby out my anus, but I'm still going to continue smoking until I get a Green Smoke e-cigarette kit for Christmas, so suck it!

Pros: Putting toys in Happy Meals is equivalent to rewarding a child for eating unhealthy. Four Loko is a dangerous concoction of alcohol and caffeine that has already led to numerous deaths across the country. And some teenagers are dumb enough to start smoking cigarettes—so why not try to dissuade them with graphic depictions of a smoker’s lung? Look, kids are young, dumb, and inclined to do stupid things. Since we can’t always prevent them from making the wrong choice, why not just allow the government to take away the choice altogether?

Cons: What Americans do with their money is their own business. The government has absolutely no right to interfere with the people’s right to eat unhealthy, overload their bodies with alcohol and caffeine, or smoke like a chimney. These may be destructive behaviors, but the cornerstone of America is individual liberty. Plus drinking a Four Loko is no different than mixing up a cocktail of Vodka and Red Bull. So what’s next—a ban on Vodka and Red Bull!?

Conclusion: I think the government needs to lay off. I don’t mind them changing their advertising methods, such as in the case of cigarette packaging. Nor do I mind Michelle Obama’s attempt to educate families on healthy eating habits. However, there’s a big difference between giving advice and being an overbearing Nanny.

Dear Sarah Palin: Stop, Drop, and Roll Your Ass Home

I sincerely wish Sarah Palin would give up politics. This woman is dafter than a lobotomized dog! I appreciate her bubbly personality, but if she truly believes she’s going to win the 2012 presidential bid, then she’s out of her fragernackle mind. It’s never going to happen. There’s no way the America people will ever vote her into power, because she clearly doesn’t have what it takes.

What she does have though is the capacity to entertain, which is why I urge her to quit politics altogether, and pursue a full-time career in the entertainment industry instead. I can’t guarantee that I’ll become a fan, but I’m certain she’ll do well. You betcha!

Get your own reality show (check). Sign your daughter up for a reality dance competition (check). Quit politics (?). I hope you make the right decision, Mrs. Palin!

Knowledge is Power, and Our Children are the Future

I was especially touched by tonight’s episode of School Pride. One thing dawned on me though. Without the money of corporations, this wouldn’t be happening. The show relies on funding from NBC and retail outlets like Walmart, both of which are operated by large corporations. What’s sad to me is that these companies are likely only participating in an attempt to boost their own ratings and sales. Though I greatly appreciate their efforts, I wish they’d do things like this more often—and for the right reasons.

You know, knowledge is everything folks. And it’s our children that will one day lead this country, which is why it’s so important we give them the tools and resources to excel.

Let me tell you a story. Back in highschool, I was a bit interested in learning about film technology, so I decided to enroll in my school’s ONLY film class. I was greatly disappointed when I discovered that the class was ridiculously outdated. According to the teacher, each part of a commercial should be at least 10 to 15 seconds long. I found that assertion absolutely staggering. Even back then, in the late 90s, the average commercial wasn’t even 15 seconds long altogether!

The point of this story is that if I would have had access to better technology and resources, I may have discovered a passion for filmmaking. This is why I wish to God every school could offer a little of everything—digital media, filmmaking, automotive engineering, etc. Kids are so impressionable that it’s important we expose to as much as humanly possible.

Sighs. Obviously there are limits. Some schools specialize in art, while others specialize in automobiles. That’s just the way of the world, I suppose. But perhaps one day… one day faraway in the future, every child will have the opportunity to not just read about subjects they’re interested in, but also gets hands on experience in them as well. And yes, I’m a full-fledged idealist.

Russians Ordered to Abandon Unicycles in Favor of Horses (Satire)

In an attempt to revolutionize Russia’s antiquated transportation system, President Dmitry Medvedev has decreed that all Russian citizens immediately abandon their unicycles and begin learning how to ride horses.



Russia suffers from a debilitating transportation system based strictly on unicycles. For the past six centuries, ever since Ivan III heroically rolled his now-famous unicycle over the last Mongolian invaders as they “played dead,” the unicycle has been the single most widely used form of transportation in all of Mama Russia.

“To the Russian people, a unicycle is a symbol of total freedom from barbarian ways,” remarked presidential aide Aglaya Vasilevich, as she quickly finished off the last portion of a seal penis. “It has been a part of our way of life for centuries.”

Indeed, the unicycle has played a pivotal role in Russian art, history, society, and technology.

It was on a unicycle, for instance, that explorer Vitus Bering discovered Alaska, when—while frantically fleeing his enraged wife, who had just caught him in bed with Professor Coldheart of the Care Bear Institute—he accidentally fell over a cliff and crash-landed in the very spot where American politician Sarah Palin currently resides.

And it was a unicycle that inspired 19th century engineer Yuri Denisyuk to draft the first-ever robotic soldier, R2-007. Sadly, the original technical draft was lost when Yuri, while camping out in the woods, left it on top of his cooler before going to bed, only to wake up and discover that a band of extremely hungry, homeless Russians had devoured it. All that remains is a rudimentary sketch.



However, though the unicycle clearly proved to be a blessing for the Russian people in the past, it has become a liability in the 21st century. As Russia’s baby boomers, known as the Sputnik generation, continue to age, their ability to correctly maneuver a unicycle keeps declining.

On a recent evening in Moscow, for instance, I watched in horror as an elderly man leading a long funeral procession line slipped and toppled backward onto the woman behind him, causing her to lose balance and fall back onto the child behind her, and so on. I can still hear the voices of men, women, and children screaming as they all fall down like dominos. “Help!” yells a young damsel in distress. “My grandmother has fallen and I can’t get up!”

President Medvedev is all too aware of the situation on the streets. His own mother passed in February 2010 when she was ran down by a drunk, 350-lb wrestler who lost control of his unicycle. This inspired him to think long and hard about how to propel Russia’s transportation industry from the 15th century to the 18th century.

“Why only the 18th?” I inquired.

“Well,” the president scoffed, rolling his eyes in frustration, “we can’t even teach our women how to do something more than be a mail-order bride. What the hell do you expect from us?”

Regardless, it is the president’s hope that the citizens of his beloved country will accept his new decree.

***

It’s been two months since President Medvedev ordered that Russians abandon unicycles and begin to learn how to ride horses. It’s been a tumultuous time rocked by riots and dissent. I’m sitting a few feet behind the president right now. He’s standing up by a podium perched in front of the Mariinsky Palace in Saint Petersburg. He’s about to make a speech.

“My Russian people! I know these have been difficult months for you. Change… change is a difficult thing to accept. Even more difficult to accept is the risk of being kicked to death while trying to bathe a horse’s ass. But these… these are the risks that we must take if we want to propel ourselves forward! So my people, I urge you to put aside your unicycles and join me in this movement forward! The time has come… the time has come for us to join the rest of the world—or at least the parts of it stuck in the 18th century."

To my amazement, the crowd erupts in cheers. Men, women, and children alike claw the air and growl in support. It looks like President Medvedev’s speech had the effect he had hoped for. I guess from hence forth, Russia shall not be a land of bears on unicycles. Instead it shall be a land of bears on horses!

F.I.N.

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Well, that’s it for tonight folks. I hope you enjoyed my second attempt at satire. I didn’t quite feel this bit as much as I did the one from last week. Meh… you win some, you lose some! Maybe I’ll feel better about it once I relax. I’ve just been so stressed out, man! I’m getting ready to go bike with the dog and then begin my 36 hours of pure peace on Earth before hell unfolds YET AGAIN!

PS #1. Earlier this week a middle-aged white gentleman stopped his truck in the middle of the road to wish me a Merry Christmas. He was trying to say something else as well, but I couldn’t understand him. He had an accent and I have horrible hearing. Regardless, I want to thank him and wish him many blessings. HOWEVER, I would also like to remind him that it’s not Christmas season yet, you jackass! (hahah) Seriously though, why is everybody celebrating Christmas already? People, at least wait until the turkey has had its head chopped off and its butt stuffed before you go all Christmas crazy! I mean… GOLLY! ;-)

PS #2. I read today that San Francisco is now trying to ban circumcisions. This is just plain ridiculous. As a man cursed by foreskin, I say OFF WITH THEIR HEADS! You have no idea how difficult it is to enjoy head with this pesky piece of slimy skin covering my mega-brain. Over the years, the tissue underneath has become so sensitive that I’m more apt to scream in pain than moan in pleasure. If only Mama and Dada would have had it chopped off…. *wipes tears from eyes*.

PS #3. People always complain that CNN writers don’t know what they’re talking about—that they’re lacking an expert perspective. Look, writers don't have to be an expert at the subject they're covering. As a freelancer, I've written about PCs, hair brushes, diarrhea, menstrual cycles, squirrels, nuts, and much more. At the end of the day, I’m just trying to earn a living, not become a friggen professor.

PS #4. Hiphop is subjective. There's no such thing as good or bad rap. It's all opinions. There are songs that make me want to shit on my dog, okay. Yet there are some folks who think these songs are so damn inspirational. By the same token, there are songs that make me see butterflies and angels floating around my head. Yet these very same songs make other people want to stick a finger up their ass until they shit all over themselves. It's all subjective.... SUBJECTIVE is the key. So please don't state your music or art-related preference as a fact, because it's not!

PS #5. I’ve been getting a bit lazy again about cleaning up dog poop. It’s just so annoying. I swear all this dog does is run, poop, eat, and sleep. When she runs, it makes her poop. After she’s pooped, she gets hungry. And then after an hour or two of napping, she wants to exercise again. Sighs. Anyway. In case you ever have to deal with a lazy-ass neighbor who doesn’t pick up his doggie’s poop, just try this method:

Friday, November 5th | And The Beat Goes On (The Whispers)

Evening! This has been one wild and crazy, roller-coaster-like week chockfull of major ups and major downs. Instead of blabbering about it, let’s get down to business!

It’s the End of the World!

When I found out that the democrats had lost the House, my heart literally dropped from my chest down to my ankles. For a moment I felt truly defeated. The rest of that night I stumbled about with a humongous frown. You should have seen it. I looked like a child who didn’t get what he wanted for Christmas. But then another day arrived, and the sun began to rise around me. And after much introspection and deep thinking, I finally felt refreshed and alive once again.

Believe it or not fellow libtardians (and I don’t mean libertarians), but the world hasn't ended! Though America made a decision with which we disagree, they didn’t necessarily make a bad one. Many people are frustrated with both the democrats and republicans. So instead of allowing a majority to rule—as has been the case for the last four years—Americans opted to put republicans in the House to decide short-term issues, and democrats in the Senate to work out long-term issues.

It’s certainly not what I wanted, but I can live with it. The only thing that still stings is the loss of Nancy Pelosi. I realize many people despise her, but I truly love this woman. She speaks directly to me because she supports the same things I do—focusing on energy conservation and renewable energy research, increasing education spending, providing universal healthcare, ensuring civil rights for gays and other abused minorities, reforming marijuana laws, improving the minimum wage, and much much more.

Regardless, this country will continue to move along, though likely at a much slower pace. Giving control of the House to the republicans and leaving the democrats in control of the Senate means that bipartisanship must be pursued. Otherwise absolutely nothing will be achieved. The question remains: Do our politicians have it in them to play nice with one another?

I seriously doubt it, which is why I want to commemorate this occasion with my favorite brand of wine.



Cheers! And good luck at getting absolutely nothing resolved these next two years ;-).

Meet My Evil Twin

I have developed an evil twin. Whereas my craigslist persona believes in being politically correct, maintaining sanity, and fostering diplomacy—save for my late-night, inebriated rants about Slumdog Millionaire—my CNN self tends to be a rather irrational and foul-mouthed, Grade-A shit-talker. I still cannot believe how many rude remarks I made this week about John Boehner, Christine O’Donnell, and all conservatives.

The irony is that I’m completely anonymous on craigslist, whereas I’m identifiable by my actual name on CNN. Yet I feel completely at ease acting like a jackass on an international news site. Part of it is because one tiny comment on such a huge site is likely to get a lot less attention than one humongous ‘rant’ on a local community website.

Do I feel bad about what I’m doing? I do, yet I don’t. It’s not correct to act disrespectful and make jokes at other peoples’ expense. But I need an outlet—a way to relieve my temporary moments of irrationality, anger, and frustration. And since everyone else on CNN is full of sarcasm and disdain, I figured why not join in on the fun. “Fuck me? Naw… FUCK YOU, bitch!”

I do want to apologize though for referring to John Boehner as the ‘scum of America.’ That was just wrong. Mind you I don’t appreciate people referring to Pelosi as the Wicked Witch of Oz, LOL. Politics… gotta love it!

Conservatives versus Liberals

Will conservatives and liberals ever be able to reach a unanimous decision on how to govern this nation? I honestly don’t think it’s possible. We’re too different. It seems like conservatives are more concerned with achieving and maintaining total autonomy, carefully budgeting every dollar, and doing everything in their power to maintain tradition. Liberals on the other hand seem more focused on fostering and upholding all civil liberties, ensuring every man is afforded an equal opportunity to succeed, and reaching a hand out to those in misfortune. Mind you these are merely my perceptions, but let me give you an example.

A lady on CNN expressed her concern over the likelihood that Boehner might repeal the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act. She said that her “brother was diagnosed with cancer at 24,” and that he’s only able to receive treatment because he’s on their parent’s plan.

A staunch conservative immediately replied, asking, “I'm happy for your brother and all that, but why should I have to pay for him having cancer?”

Examples like this (and there are many more I could choose from) lead me to believe that conservatives only care about money. It’s like they’d rather stash away every dollar, rather than use it to fund infrastructure, education, healthcare, and whatnot. But at the same time, the way our society functions demands that we be frugal with our money—which is why I believe both conservative and liberal ideologies are necessary to keep America on the right track. Conservatives are skilled at managing money and waging war, whereas liberals do well at standing up for the underdogs and nurturing positive international and domestic relationships.

Don’t get me wrong, though. I’d love it if America one day becomes an all-liberal nation full of happy hippies and hip-hoppers hopscotching through the Garden of Weeden. But without conservatives around to control spending, we’d quickly go broke, get invaded by China, and be ordered to receive plastic surgery so our eyes could match theirs. Mind you if the Republicans were to completely take over, the Lorax would be assassinated, all immigrants would be kicked out, and there’d be no more Taco Bell. No más chalupas? AY YI YI!

The truth is that America is a big unhappy, dysfunctional family with metaphorical liberal women and metaphorical conservative men. And though I support gay marriage, a nation cannot function with just metaphorical testicles and a dick, or metaphorical boobs and a vagina. It needs the whole package—a metaphorical dick, fallopian tube, ovary, testicles, nipples, anal hair, vagina, and perhaps even a metaphorical happy trail.

Speaking of unhappy matrimonies, I’d like to present the first-ever, official conservative/liberal yin yang diagram.


It’d be a lot funnier if it was an elephant flicking off a donkey, and vice versa!

Stop Axing Everything

NBC is starting to really piss me off. First they screwed over Conan O’Brien, then they cancelled my favorite TV shows, ‘Outlaw’ and ‘Undercovers,’ and now they’ve suspended Keith Olbermann for making a private, personal donation to a political campaign. Their motto must stand for ‘Never Be Cool’ because these jackasses certainly know how to be uber-lame.

The problem with networks like NBC is that they refuse to give TV shows a chance. Just because ‘Outlaw’ and ‘The Whole Truth’ (ABC) are performing under-pair at the moment doesn’t mean they aren’t quality shows with the potential to do better. Plus a few million viewers are better than no viewers at all. If these jackass networks keep canceling shows, they’re going to start losing a whole lot of dedicated fans. I myself am quite close to officially blocking NBC at my home!

ABC… you’re on thin ice too!

Past and Present

So this week on Coast to Coast AM Radio they had a few technology experts speak about upcoming gadgets, such as one that’ll automate driving and parking. One frustrated elderly man called in to complain. He felt that such technology would take away from the experience of steering an automobile. I understand where he’s coming from, but he’s missing the point.

Look at this way. What about the experience of riding a horse or pulling a cart with your own body? Though they still exist in some form or another—whether for pleasure or, in the case of a third-world country, survival—they’re on the road to becoming obsolete. Why? To make life easier! To me it’s all about self-actualization. These improvements in technology are making it easier for those who’ve conquered the first three layers of Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs to climb up the remaining two.

I understand that it’s nice to know how to make a meal without electricity, sleep under the stars, or gallop on an imaginary horse while porters banging coconut shells together follow behind. But these aren’t necessary skills that everyone must know. It’s perfectly fine for people to do it on their own time, but I don’t want society’s overall progress being impeded just because someone stuck in the past is unable to come to terms with the present.

I like microwaves, automobiles, and dishwashers because they save me time—therefore letting me focus on more important stuff like reading, writing, social networking, and walking the pooch. By the way, ALWAYS soak your dishes for a while before you put them in the dishwasher! In fact, I go so far as to even scrub them down! My hand-washing clears the crumbs, while the dishwasher cleans and sanitizes them.

Fostering Bipartisanship

So what can we do to foster genuine bipartisanship, assuming it’s even possible?

Well, here’s a brief list of the top 5 ways to get ir’ done!

#1. BE TRANSPARENT.

I’m greatly disturbed by the fact that John Boehner distributed tobacco company checks on the House floor just before a vote on tobacco subsidies; but at least he did it in front of everyone.

#2. LISTEN TO ONE ANOTHER.

Don’t scream obscenities and insults like “YOU LIE!” while another politician is speaking. If you believe someone is lying, wait until it’s your turn to talk about it.

#3. BE WILLING TO COMPROMISE.

If you’re not willing to compromise, then you might as well go home and take a nap. In regard to healthcare, for instance, how about keeping insurance OPTIONAL, but also setting up an OPTIONAL universal healthcare program for those who can’t afford private insurance?

#4. DON’T TRY TO BE SLICK.

Don’t try to be slick by inserting a non-related clause into a bill or act. Nobody likes super-small warning labels, not to mention pieces of completely unrelated legislation.

#5. DON’T BE NEGATIVE.

I hate negative campaign ads. Real men and women don’t need to dispatch their opponents to win. If you are passionate, sane, and have good ideas, then let them be your ticket to victory. When you start lying and saying negative things about your opponents, you start to lose credibility and respect.

And in case these tips don’t work, follow by example!



Now that’s what I call working together to resolve a dispute!

The Royal Ass

I love dogs, but they’re so annoying. Truthfully, I’m better built for a cat. It’ll stroll into its litter box, find a clean spot, and handle its business. Then at the end of the week, or earlier if necessary, you merely switch out the litter. An uppity dog, on the other hand, will sniff 20,000 perfectly clean spots until she finds one deserving of her Royal Ass. Unfortunately I’m allergic to dogs, so I don’t have a choice.

It’s very frustrating. Two weeks ago I was running with my dog. I stopped at least three times to offer her an opportunity to let loose her dog logs; but did she take the opportunity? NOPE! Instead she waited until we were in the middle of a jog to let dribbles of doo-doo drool from her poop chute (she had diarrhea) and onto the sidewalk—a sacred ground used by magnifier-glass-equipped homeless to cook ants and cockroaches for breakfast. HOW RUDE!

Seriously though, I really am not a bad dog owner. I give her plenty of exercise, toys, and food. I just hate cleaning up after her. I guess I’m going to have to just suck it up and handle it, aye? Speaking of which, I want to take a moment to apologize to a neighbor whom I believe is irritated at me because I let dog poop build up in the backyard. Let me explain.

Twice this week a specific neighbor passed by me, and then yelled out something incoherent. The first time we were outside, while the second time I was inside and the neighbor was outside. It’s possible that the neighbor was speaking to someone else both times. But it’s also possible and more likely that the neighbor was trying to tell me something, which is why I spent an entire day trying to solve this mystery.

Was the neighbor:

#1. Mocking me because the democrats lost the House?
#2. Angry at me about something I wrote online? (Assuming the neighbor reads my writing.)
#3. Making fun of me in general? (El Dorko is an easy target.)

It was very frustrating trying to decipher what the neighbor had said. But it finally occurred to me that in both instances, the neighbor had passed through the poop-laden backyard. It then struck me that the neighbor is probably irritated because the neighbor accidentally stepped in one of those piles. Unfortunately I still don’t know for certain, but intuition and deductive reasoning lead me to believe that I’m correct.

So to this neighbor, I want to say I’m very sorry. I will try harder from now on to be more conscientious by cleaning up the poop more often. However, could you do me a favor and be more direct next time? If knocking on my door or tapping me on my shoulder isn’t an option for you, would you kindly consider perhaps taping a note to my door? I’m really good with notes.

Anyway. I hate using such a medium to discuss domestic issues, but I’m very bad at communication, which is why it’s ESSENTIAL that people are direct with me. I won’t be direct with them because I’m a social nitwit—and yes, I’m using that as my excuse! But I’m pretty sure they have the power and capability to be direct with me. And yes, I consider a written note a great way of being direct. In fact, I spent the latter years of HS (after receiving meds and before being expelled) communicating primarily via written notes.

-----------------

That’s it for tonight, folks. Thanks for reading and stay blessed! Next up is my usual dose of PS’es or PS(s) or PS’s or however yer supposed to write it!

PS #1 I’m currently in the application process for a really good job at a really successful online company that receives 15 million hits per month. It’s a two-week process during which I have to write 9 high-quality and informative articles that answer certain questions. I’m hoping to get this job, but I’m also scared because the work is a lot harder than what I’ve been doing thus far. This isn’t petty, low-quality writing. These guys have extremely high standards; but they pay really well! I’m talking about $11 to $14 for every 400-word article!!!!

PS #2 Since I’m extremely busy with work, I’ve had less time to think. That’s why this blog kind of sucks, save for the political bits.

PS #3 These people who won an $11-million lottery donated all their winnings to charity. HOW FRIGGEN SELFISH! Do you realize how much they could have done with that money? They could have bought 814 thousand cases of beer and donated it to colleges all across the country! It truly disgusts me how inconsiderate some people can be!

PS #4 Some conservative on the Daily Show Facebook page called all liberals pricks. Excuse me for being rude, but I think conservatives can be pricks too. They engage in group orgies (Limbaugh!), drink like crazy (even more than me!), and watch as their pet dogs fuck other dogs (at least look away!). But God Forbid gays have gay orgies, stoners smoke weed, and straight people watch gay porn (it's quite unusual, but curiosity killed the cat, not the bi-curious 'straight' guy).

PS #5 LOL @ Primetime showing a news clip about Rick Sanchez while discussing anti-Semitism. And I really appreciate them taking the opposite look at Muslims. They’ve done stories on Muslims being accosted by racists, but this time they did one about a young daughter being accosted by her overbearing, fanatical, and control-freak Muslim father. Kudos to them for staying objective and being willing to look at ALL the situations. And oh, LOL @ the fake beggar in a wheelchair.

AWWWW LAWD! I’M BLIND, I AIN’T GOT NO LEGS, AND MY WIFE CUT OFF MY DICK CUZ SHE THOUGHT I WAS SLEEPING WITH MY AMPUTEE THERAPIST!

Can you pleeeeeeeez spare some change!?



Have a nice night, ya’ll!

pEaCe

And oh… my current favorite hiphop songs include ‘Black and Yellow’ by Pittsburgh-native Wiz Khalifa, ‘Start It Up’ by Lloyd Banks (VROOM VROOM), and 'Yeah Boy' by Yung Joc.

And oh… my current favorite hiphop songs include ‘Black and Yellow’ by Philadelphia-native Wiz Khalifa, ‘Start It Up’ by Lloyd Banks (VROOM VROOM), and 'Yeah Boy' by Yung Joc.

Pictures taken from I-Am-Bored, Yours Truly, PassiveAggressiveNotes, and Google Search.