July 29th | My Last (Big Sean ft. Chris Brown) | R.I.P. Bay Bay

This song is dedicated to a homie of mine who was killed this Thursday evening.

"And I’mma hit this drink up like it’s my last
I’mma hit this night up like it’s my last
I’mma I’mma hmm hmm, like it’s my last (boi)
Swear I’mma, swear I’mma get it like
Like I never had it at all all all all, all all all all
Like I never had it at all all all all, all all all all"

R.I.P., my dude! You in my heart, baby!

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Evening, folks. Tonight, I’m going straight after the Tea Party.



I have held my tongue time and time again, but I can’t take it anymore. Everyday I see Tea Party members shit-talking “liberal retards” on the Internet, so it’s my turn to throw the smackdown.



In doing so, it may look like I’m also going after Jesus . . .



But I’m not. Quite frankly, I think Jesus is the tops. What’s not to love about a longhaired white dude who may or may not own a 12-foot bong. It just so happens that most Tea Party members are hardcore Christians, and so I’m going to use that as the basis for my satire.

I do want to apologize, however, for always writing such partisan satire, but as Joe Scarborough indirectly made abundantly clear, at the end of the day I am simply a blogger who lives with his Mama, eats cheetos, and walks around in his underwear. (false, false, true) :-)

On a more serious note, the reason I don’t work for The Onion or The Daily Show is because I don’t know how to write non-partisan comedy, i.e., I’m a comedic ideologue!

R.I.P.

If you had known Chris, Dale and Baybay like I knew them, you would have thought they were a bunch of hoodlums. That’s because they kind of were hoodlums. None of them worked real jobs. They all had a close, personal relationship with drugs. And the only Bible quote they followed was the one about “banging bitches.” I’ve never read that one, but it supposedly exists.

I met Chris in 2001 at the county fair. Prior to meeting him, my life was hell. I was depressed, lonely, and desperate for friends and love. Chris recognized my pain, so he introduced me to all his friends—Joe, Ally, Matt, Brook, Wilburn, Dale, Baybay, Cornell, etc. From then on, every night I was out living life. We’d go bowling, talk to girls at the club (though I’d just watch because I was too shy), and cruise the streets. Sadly, Chris passed in the summer of 2002 as per a car accident.

Before Chris passed, he introduced me to Dale. This fat bastard was a boon to my existence from the first moment I met him. He raced my car around like he was Mario Andretti, he cock-blocked me on two separate occasions, and he made my apartment smell like shit. But he had a good heart and it was through him that I came to know his cousin Baybay. Unfortunately, after getting out of prison in September 2008, he traveled back home to Memphis, only to die a few days later in a motorcycle crash.



Baybay was a true thug. He grew up walking the streets of Memphis with a gun at his hip. Once, while questioning me about a crime, the police told me that I shouldn’t hang out with Baybay because he was “hardcore.” I didn’t listen because I felt like I owed everything I had to Baybay. It was because of him that I met and asked out Erica Williams. It was therefore because of him that I lost my virginity before I turned 21, and because of him that I know what it feels like to love a woman. Alas, he was gunned down this past Thursday.



Many people wonder why I got so much love for the hood. It’s because of these three fellows. They didn’t judge me because I looked and talked differently, or because I tried to act cool. They accepted me for who I was and let me into their click. And because of them, I have so many wonderful memories. I’ve gotten my life together, quit trying to be something that I’m not, and stopped hanging out in the hood, but I’ll never forget the everything I’ve been through, for better or worse. That said, my heart goes out to every hood ni$$a in the world—especially Chris, Dale and Baybay.

R.I.P.!



Note – If you think I’m gay for this, then shoot yourself because you’re the gay one, trick.

Jesus Christ Reveals That Tea Party Is The Antichrist

New York, NY—Jesus Christ, the savior of mankind and the only long-haired hippy whose presence conservatives can stand for longer than ten minutes, made a surprise visit to Studio 3A at the Rockefeller Center early Friday morning to reveal to MSNBC contributor Willie Geist that the Tea Party, which is overwhelmingly Christian, is in fact the very essence of the Antichrist.



“It has been a long time since God and I worked with, you know, Moses, John, Greg, Peter, Bobby and whomever to prepare the Bible and New Testament and all that crap,” Jesus told Willie while he flipped through the latest edition of Endtime Magazine, “but I am pretty sure that we said something about showing love to the poor, not judging others, being open to new ideas, coveting spirituality over wealth, and only using the term Hitler to refer to people who commit genocide—and not like, you know, the president.”

He continued, “Yet the Tea Party doesn’t do any of that. Mind you, I think we also said something about how you should beat up slaves that misbehave, kill all the citizens of a conquered nation, and burn your daughter alive as a sacrificial offering to God when like, you know, times are tough and you could really use an extra 50 bucks to get your car payment in on time, but hey, the Tea Party folks should be able to tell when we’re joking around.”

Jesus went on to cite the many ways in which Tea Party members, though claiming to represent the very best of Christian values, behave contrary to his and his father’s teachings. In particular, he noted their staunch stance against universal healthcare, which would have allowed anyone to receive mental and physical treatment, regardless of financial status; their fuming antipathy toward people of different religions and sexuality, not to mention manatees; and their condescending disapproval of the arts, contemporary music, and Hollywood.

“Flying around heaven for 2,000 years has taken a heavy toll on my body, but because of Hollywood, everybody thinks I’m some sort of super-sexy and ripped pretty boy,” Jesus explained. “Besides, just because someone is an actor doesn’t mean he or she isn’t entitled to an opinion on say . . . politics.”

He added, “Plus, I don’t see Tea Party members donating portions of their wealth to any charities—besides their own, of course.”

According to Jesus, another sign that Tea Party members are out of touch with Christianity is their penchant for false prophecy. He claims that Tea Party notables and favorites like Texas Governor Rick Perry, conservative radio hosts Glenn Beck and Rush Limbaugh, and about 75% of the guests on the Coast to Coast radio show are all false prophets.

“Instead of listening to these goofy lunatics, the Tea Party needs to be listening to the real prophets, as in John Lennon, Uncle Luke, Marc Anthony, and Matthew Bellamy,” Jesus argued while he made sweeping air-guitar motions. “John imagined the perfect world, Luke taught us about doo-doo brown, Marc slept with J.Lo, and Matthew just rocks!”

Also telling of the Tea Party, Jesus asserted, is its hypocrisy, such as in the way the Tea Party feels it’s entitled to this, that, and a third, but at the same time believes that people who are hard on their luck should just suck it. Even more damning are the Tea Party’s greed and unwillingness to compromise, both of which threaten to bring the United States’ economy to a screeching halt.

“Tea Party members dwell in a dark abyss of fear, greed, hatred and delusion, yet they feel that just because they pray every night, attend Bible meetings every Wednesday, and file into Church every Sunday, that they’re somehow immune to the Antichrist—who, for the record, they claim everybody else is merely a pawn of,” Jesus said as he shook his head in dismay.

"It's very sad. To find my dad and I, people must look within. Folks can spend the rest of their lives reading the writings of my father and I, but until they look deep inside themselves, they'll never find either of us. Most people realize this, but not the Tea Party. Instead of looking for solutions within themselves, they direct all their insecurities at the world--and in doing so, instead of slaying Goliath with a sling, they allow themselves to be taken over by the mentality of Oliver Crangle."

Moral of the story: The Tea Party, in my opinion, is to Christianity what the Rosie O’Donnell is to a two-piece bathing suit—a bad fit!

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There it is. Judge not lest thou be judgedth. Well, I just judged ya’ll Tea Party folk, so I give you permission to judge me in kind. All I ask is that you judge me with sharp style and wit. Instead of saying I’m “gay” (which I’m not), say something like, “You’re so dense that you refract light.” See? And no, I’m not an elitist. I’m just a smartass who never got beat up in middle school (big goofy smile).

PS #1. The best way to get the ass out of a smart kid is to beat him up a few times. Keep in mind this method only works on kids, because once an adult smartass, always an adult smartass!

PS #3. No disrespect meant toward C2C Radio. I think George Noory and crew are the tops!

PS #3. There's a frog that comes out by the deck door every night, and every night my dog Sheila goes up to and sniffs it, and it just stays there. Sometimes it hops around a little, but for the most part it stays. I picked it up last night and I gotta say, I quite like the feller! Anyone know what frogs eat? And what should I name it? The only name that comes to mind at the moment is Froggy.

PS #4. My very cool but extremely white as a snowflake roomie is throwing a poker party tomorrow. Pray for me ya’ll. Pray that one of his friends doesn’t bust out a guitar and start singing “Bye, Bye, Miss American Pie, Took The Levy to the Chevy and I got Really High” (or whatever), cuz if they do, I may have to kill myself! LOL (I’m a smartass!)

PS #5. To hell with all the haters. Ya’ll may not believe it, but I know for a fact that I spit HOT FYA!



Night.

R.I.P. to Clarence W. Smith, or as I knew him: Bay Bay.

July 22nd | Crunk Musik (The Diplomats) [Precursor]

Next Friday, the Dipset Reunion Tour will be live in Raleigh, North Carolina. I’m talking about Cam’ron, Jim Jones, Juelz Santana and Freekey Zekey live in Raleigh, courtesy of K97.5. This is a VIP event, so if you want more information, look up K97.5 on Google RIGHT NOW. There are limited reservations, so hurry! HURRY! HURRY!



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Evening, idiots. I’m sorry if I sound pissy, but it’s one of those weeks. Our nation is in a debt crisis like no other, Boehner is eating pizza (with those thighs!??) and hardcore conservatives keep complaining about all us “bleeding-heart, dumbass liberals.” Sighs.

Anyway. Today I got some political commentary directed at all the hardcore conservatives. Regular conservatives can chill, because this isn’t about you all. Also included is a brief practice lesson in Comedy 101 and some low-grade satire. Enjoy.

What If It Were Me?

I’m a slightly mentally retarded idiot who, though just a few months shy of 30, possesses the emotional intelligence of a 20-year-old. This is in fact the reason why I find it amusing to call my penis Mr. Spanky. Speaking of which, Mr. Spanky is very, very lonely for a slim woman with B to C- breasts and lightly textured skin of the white or redbone persuasion!

Anyhow. My life as a slightly mentally retarded idiot has been fraught with tribulations—alcohol and drug abuse, depression, suicidal thoughts, unemployment and even crime. Yet, despite these adversities, I’m now a hard-working, tax-paying citizen who spends his free time reading, writing and drawing caricatures of his penis, whereas in the past I would have been seeking out another “fix” or scheming ways to illegally earn a buck.

The only reason I managed to finally rise up from the dour circumstances of my past is because of the unrelenting love and support my parents showed me. They waited patiently, year after year, for me to finally get a grip and accept that which comes with living in reality: working hard, paying bills and sitting down to pee on the toilet (still working on that one).

Unfortunately, many children aren’t blessed with such caring parents. Some grow up under the tutelage of abusers and molesters, while others are forced to make due all on their own, for better or worse. Thus, many of these same kids end up, by no choice of their own, intertwined in a dark, seedy world of crime, drugs and prostitution. And because nobody gives a damn, they keep falling and falling—either unto death, or into prison.

The only chance many of these broken kids have is through us. I cannot prove this with facts or figures, but I wholeheartedly believe that every dollar directed toward free clinics, free education programs and free treatment centers makes a difference. Certainly, not every child will be saved, as rising up requires will and determination, but if even one comes up as per our efforts, then that’s what I call money well spent.

So you can probably imagine why it irritates me to no end that hardcore conservatives feel that spending money on such programs is equivalent to socialism. It is their belief that we were all magically born equal, and that someone who doesn’t make it is nothing more than a lazy bum who doesn’t deserve to live a good life—that those individuals whose lives are fraught with pain and suffering have somehow earned their fate.

But just imagine for a moment what would have happened if you had been born in a bad environment or you had been born with a mental illness. Imagine running home everyday after school to escape being teased and bullied, only to get beat-up or molested by your father. Imagine trying your hardest to perform well at school, only to constantly fail for no reason that you can think of.

And the conservatives aren’t just concerned about the “social’ism” welfare of the impoverished and disabled. They’re equally irritated at all the “entitlements” the elderly receive via Social Security and Medicare. What concerns them is that such “excessive spending” is taking away from money that could be lining the pockets of “job creators” like Exxon Mobile (30.460 billion net profit as of 2010) and Chevron Corporation (19.024 billion net income as of 2010).

What these conservatives don’t realize is that a living, breathing human is more important than a pseudo human like Exxon or Chevron. Job creation is important, but it’s not as important as ensuring that every single living, breathing human in our country is given the tools and resources needed to excel. Some will squander it, I know, but for every fool, there are tens and thousands more just like me who will use it to rise up in this world—and it’s for them that I “sing this song.”

It’s true that our country is in a financial crisis and that we must all make sacrifices if we are to ever get beyond it. But that remains an impossibility so long as conservatives maintain the argument that empowering the “job creators” even further—the same “job creators” who are quick to fire their American workers and outsource jobs just so that they can increase their bottom line—is more important than anything else, including the welfare of the elderly, disabled and impoverished.

Remember, these “worthless bums” you see at the unemployment office, at the social services center and at the grocery store with their EBT cards could be you. Some of them are abusing the system, but most of them are just trying to survive a very cold, vicious world that doesn’t give a rat’s ass about anything but profit. So before you judge them, always ask yourself, “What if it were me?”

Comedy 101: Proverbs and Pun Headlines

To become a better comedian, I’m working on simple tasks like modifying proverbs and coming up with puns. Wish me luck!

“If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it” . . . unless your wife tells you to.

“A good man is hard to find” . . . especially at the strip club.

“A drowning man will clutch at a straw” . . . and that’s exactly why his dumbass will keep drowning.

Among those who stand, do not sit; among those who sit, do not stand. Among those who laugh, do not weep; among those who weep, do not laugh . . . and among those who fart, do not inhale.

Nature breaks through the eyes of the cat . . . and it also breaks through the hole of the ass.

Can the monkey know the taste of ginger? . . . My “monkey” knows the taste of Finger, Mary Anne AND Mrs. Howell!

Sleep after selling horses and elephants . . . and get drunk before sleeping with fat women.

If a child washes his hands he could eat with kings . . . and if he scrubs your cock, he could be the Pope’s BFF.

OJ Prison Rapist Didn’t Use a Glove; AIDs Possible

Obama Confronts Boehner At Pizza Parlor And Says, “Show Me The Dough!”

President Outsources Debt Reduction Talks To Vice President



Moral of the story: Just making fun of a republican who said Obama outsourced the debt problem to Biden.

Man Completely Unaware That He’s A Total Fatass



It has come to the attention of the U.S. Center for Disease Control and Prevention that around 3:00 pm on Thursday, July 21, an unidentified man from Jackson, Mississippi walked into the Wendy’s on the corner of East Woodrow Wilson Avenue and North State Street, and, after ordering enough food to feed a horse, had the nerve to ask for a diet coke. “According to the cashier that was on staff that afternoon, the bastard even had the audacity to ask for her number,” said the agency’s director, Abraham R. Batushansky, MD, MPH. “Either the roly-poly-likely-Polack shmuck is oblivious to the fact that he’s fatter than the Fat Jew, or he simply has no f**king shame.”

“Oy, a broch!”

Moral of the story: Look in the mirror, you fat bastards! All of you! Yeah! I said it!

Shout-out of the story: Give it up to the FAT JEW!

Note of the story: I didn’t mean to make it about Jews, but it kind of just came to me. Lesson #1 of Comedy: the best ideas usually come spontaneously. So do the worst ideas…

Funniest Sorta-Political Joke Ever

I’m currently out of quality reading materials, so as I wait for the next batch of books to arrive, I’m keeping myself busy by reading words of wisdom from the magnanimous book, “More Filthy Dirty Jokes: Uncensored Edition.” The other night I flipped to the politics section, and I stumbled upon a really good joke about the Reverend Al Sharpton. Before I recite the joke, let it be known that I think da Rev, Ted Kennedy, Al Gore and Bill Clinton are all the tops. However, a good joke is a good joke, damnit!

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One day in the future, Al Sharpton has a heart-attack and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

“I don’t know what to do here,” says the devil. “You are on my list, but I have no room for you.”

“You definitely have to stay here, so I’ll tell you what I’m going to do. I’ve got a couple of folks here who weren’t quite as bas as you. I’ll let one of them go, but you have to take their pace. I’ll even let YOU decide who leaves.”

Sharpton thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the right room. In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Over, and over, and over he dove in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell.

“No,” Sharpton said. “I don’t think so. I’m not a good swimmer, and I don’t think I could do that all day long.”

The devil led him to the door of the next room. In it was Al Gore with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time again.

“No, this is no good. I’ve got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day,” commented Al.

The devil opened a third door. Through it, Al saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

Sharpton looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, “Yeah man, I can handle this.”

The devil smiled and said ….

“Ok, Monica, you’re free to go.”

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If you don’t think that’s funny, then KILL YOSELF, because I bet you $1,000 that even Da Rev himself would laugh out loud at it! Mmm hmm!

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Thank you for listening. I do this because it makes me feel good inside… when I do it well. Last week’s post made me feel like total shit because it was garbage. This time around, however, I feel like I did okay. I literally started writing just this afternoon, but it all somehow came to me. Divine inspiration, man. I’m not religious and God can literally suck on my nuts (sorry @ Michelle Bachmann), but thank you to whatever/whomever/however I get the inspiration.

THANK YOU!

July 15th | Lil Debbie (Waka Flocka Flame)

Lil Debbie (Waka Flocka Flame)

"Ain't no way in hell imma see my momma broke,
Ain't no way in hell imma see my team fall,
Only know one thing: go hard, stunt, then ball,
I ain't gone stop til my momma got it all.”

Anybody who thinks gangster rappers lack the depth to spit meaningful lyrics must not know!

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Evening. This has been a very confusing week as per a delusion I had Monday night courtesy of Denis Leary. That evening on the Daily Show, Leary ended his interview by making a comment along the lines of, “Yeah, Mr. Reader, why is it you read everything else but not my books?”

After having spent the weekend using drugs, listening to music and having sex with cutout pictures of models, my brain was so warped that it automatically assumed the reference to “Mr. Reader” was an inconspicuous shout-out to me.

Leary obviously wasn’t talking about me. When I finally realized that a few days ago, I was kind of disappointed. However, the whole ordeal did inspire some mediocre satire, so thank you anyway, Mr. Leary.

And oh—the one celebrity who did actually refer to me this week was Petey Pablo. Earlier tonight on K97.5’s 919 Radio show, Petey made a direct shout-out to all the “Facebook writers” out there. Again, I could be totally delusional and I probably am, but I’m willing to bet $100.00 that he was talking about me! (CMGEEEZY!)

See, that’s the difference between white celebrities and black celebrities. The latter show love and, more importantly, they don’t forget where they came from! Okay… that was racist. I’m sorry, but I’ve been drinking and the president is black, damnit! Got a brotha feeling kind of cocky, ya know?

And yes, I know that I’m not black. But you see, I don’t see color . . . except for when it’s advantageous for me to see color :-).

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Anyway. This week I’m lacking in divine inspiration, so all my satire will be kind of weak—especially in comparison to the brilliant piece I wrote last week. In fact, for the most part, everything you’re about to read kind of sucks. Sorry, but it’s hard to stay on point EVERY WEEK.

Crazy Conspiracist / Wannabe Comedian Seeks First Contact With Celebrity Comedians

Raleigh, NC—After three years of trying unsuccessfully to garner the attention of his favorite celebrity comedians so as to earn a golden ticket into the entertainment industry, 29-year-old amateur comedian and full-fledged conspiracist Victor Sanchez has come under the belief that there’s a conspiracy afoot to prevent him from acquiring fame and success. To counter said conspiracy, Victor plans on using high-tech, SETI-like equipment he purchased off the Internet to telepathically make first contact with his favorite celebrity comedians.



“What does it mean when a really funny, talented and just outright awesome amateur comedian isn’t able to get the attention of his favorite comedians, let alone make anybody, including his own mother, laugh?” Victor asked reporters while he leaned forward in his chair, tilted his head to the right and cocked his left eyebrow.

“It means that someone is so threatened by this comedian’s brilliance that they’re purposefully conspiring with the Zionist government to ensure that this comedian’s straight-up awesome jokes are totally not recognized or appreciated by anybody but himself and, of course, his spiritual guide, Sparky.”

Victor contends that this conspiracy to thwart his rise to comedic stardom is the reason why none of his favorite celebrity comedians have been receptive to his “straight-up awesome jokes.” To him, this is the only feasible explanation as to why his latest batch of comedic attempts was a complete failure.

“I created Facebook pages for all of Louis C.K’s farts: Bobby, Cindy, Peter, Jan, etc.; I dressed up as a horse and pretended to be Sarah Silverman’s long-lost brother, Mr. Ed; and I told the neighborhood kids that Dennis Leery’s family name was purposefully chosen by Jesus thousands of years ago to warn children that all the men in Leery’s family like to prey on children when they get drunk on potato vodka; thus, kids should be ‘leery’ of them.”

Despite these truly epic fails, and despite his parents, his therapist, and his one friend’s insistence that he give up his dream on the basis that his comedy stinks worse than a Hispanic baby’s diaper, Victor remains adamant that there’s something far more sinister going on. In fact, according to Victor, the “someone” leading the charge against his career is internationally famous Jewish comedian Jon Stewart.

It is Victor’s belief that “Jon the comedy-hoarding-Jew-bastard Stewart” is working with the government to prevent Victor from rising to fame, so as to ensure his own career isn’t put in jeopardy. That said, Victor believes he has finally found a way to circumvent their efforts.

“It’s all going to happen through this here high-tech ACME 500 helmet,” Victor told reporters while he pointed at his head, which was covered in what appeared to be a sheet of aluminum foil shaped like an oversized yamaka. “This sweet piece of technological pie will let me bypass Jon’s comedy suppression by beaming my best jokes directly into the minds of my favorite comedians!”

According to Victor, the tinfoil hat will pick up his thoughts and transmit them to his computer, after which they’ll be processed, forwarded to a DirecTV satellite dish sitting in his lawn, and then broadcast directly into the mind of whichever comedian he was thinking about at the time his thoughts were miraculously sucked out of his head by the aforementioned tinfoil hat.

“I hate to invade my favorite comedians’ minds like this, but Jon Stewart and his Zionist conspirators have left me little other option,” Victor said, shaking his head in dismay. “My Mother says I’m an unfunny little piece of shit, and my Mother says I should always eat my peas, but she’s just another victim of Jon Stewart’s evil and manipulative ways.”

In Related News: The Daily Show Replaces Host With Formerly Crazy Man

Moral of the story: You can’t stop me from shining, Jon the comedy-hoarding-Jew-bastard Stewart! :-)

Moral of the story #2: My comedy skills still need a shitload of refinement!

Gay Barbarian Savagely Ravages Pier 1 Imports Store For Not Having The “Friggen Pink Loveseat” He Wanted

San Francisco, CA—Late Thursday afternoon, around 5:30pm, a gay barbarian brute stormed into Pier 1 Imports at the corner of Stanyan St and Geary Boulevard, demanded to see the store manager and then flew into a violent rage after he was told that the store didn’t have the “friggen pink loveseat” he wanted.



“It was as if the uneducated and possibly Satan-worshipping gay barbarian was physically bonded to this pink loveseat he wanted—so much so the was overcome with personal despair upon realizing he couldn’t have it,” said Dr. Bruce Mozartman from the Hogwash School of Pseudoscientific Bitchcraft.

The gay barbarian was identified by police as Michael Bachmann, 55, an extremely flamboyant homosexual who was planning on being ushered into the June 23rd Gay Pride Parade on a pink loveseat.

“He grew so disparaged from his fruitless search that he had to act out violently,” Dr. Bruce remarked. “Sadly, that’s what happens when men willingly chose to dance funny, have a high-pitched voice and be gay.”

Moral of the story: LOL @ Marcus Bachmann's belief that gay people are barbarians.

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Aight. That’s it, folks. I wish I had something better to put out there this weekend because it’s a very special weekend. Lil Wayne and J Cole are in town. More importantly, Onika Nicki Minaj Tanya Maraj (damn she has a long name) personally liked one of my Facebook posts. And yeah… it was really her! And yeah, she’s really going to have my baby! And yeah, I’m going to claim it’s not mind because I am not paying child support to a woman who’s already rich!!! :-)

PS #1. I’m sorry for not putting on more for my city by, you know, citing more Carolina-based songs, but there haven’t been that many thus far that have really impressed me (I’m as picky with music as I am with the ladies!) And most of the ones I actually do like haven’t officially dropped yet, so I can’t really share them with everybody. Best believe, however, that 4te Da Giant will eventually show up on here! I put that on my Mama!

PS #2. The real Nicki Minaj knows who I am!

PS #3. I have been working nonstop since Thursday to complete the satire you just read. No matter how hard I tried, I just couldn’t come up with any good satirical punchlines. It happens, man. This is a difficult business!

PS #4. The real Nicki Minaj knows who I am!

PS #5. Ya’ll take care.

Final PS – Nicki Minaj KNOWS WHO I AM! So to all the women out there who pretend like I don’t exist… up yours, ladies, cuz the only REAL WOMAN in the house knows who I am! And that’s all I need to know to know that I’m a MAN!

So keep laughing, keep making jokes, keep being assholes. I do my shit with heart, and that's why I know I'm right. But ya'll haters out there. . . (I see you) . . . ya'll ain't got heart. And that's why ya'll will always lose (even when it seems like you're winning... like when you get to have sex with the hot girl and get a really sweet car with your lucky bitchass) and we'll always win!

BET THAT!

I'm up out this bitch.

pEaCe! :-)

July 8th | Dreamin' (Big K.R.I.T.)

I chose this song in dedication to all the highly talented hiphop and r&b artists in the Carolinas who are aching to make it to the top. I feel ya’ll! I don’t rap because I, for the life of me, can’t rap worth shit, but I do write—and I too am dreamin’!

It feels like this shit will never happen, but hey, sometimes dreams really do come to fruition. The only way to make it happen, though, is through years and years of payin’ them dues and rising up through the trenches like UGK. Them cats grinded for damn near twenty years til they finally earned the top spot in 2007 with their album Underground Kingz.

Some of us will make it up to the top way quicker than that, while the rest of us will have to grind for years and perhaps even decades before our time arrives—if it ever does at all. No matter, though. The key is to never stop grindin’, for better or worse, cuz it’s get rich or die having tried your best up in this bitch. There ain’t no other options, and you’d best believe that.

I’m up out of here; 1!

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Anyway. Today I’m combining a political column with some animal/human-relations satire. Enjoy!

Quid Pro Quo — You Give Some, You Take Some

This week, President Barack unveiled a bipartisan deficit-reduction plan that tackles “entitlements” while also raising taxes on millionaires. It would slash the deficit by $4 trillion over the next 12 years by reducing spending on benefit programs like Social Security and Medicare, eliminating tax carve-outs and deductions, repealing the Bush-era tax cuts for millionaires and cutting defense spending. The goal is to address the long-term fiscal debt crisis via a solution that calls for sacrifice by all Americans, i.e., a Grand Bargain:

Revenue Increases + “Entitlement” Cuts + Defense Cuts + Marijuana Legalization

The latter wasn’t discussed in the original plan, but I think it would be beneficial to add it (angel face).

I’m very pleased with the president because he’s finally taken hold of the reins and begun to shine as a genuine leader. Numerous hardcore lefties are screaming foul, however, arguing that the crisis should be resolved strictly by raising taxes and fixing the healthcare system. Those arguing these talking points seem to have forgotten that the republicans control the house. Plus, let’s not forget that even with a democratic majority for two whole years, we were still unable to win the highly coveted public option.

Meanwhile, the hardcore righties are refusing to capitulate on taxes, on the basis that it would hurt the economy. They would rather lower high-income tax rates even further—while simultaneously ripping Social Security and Medicare into dust—because they believe this path would spur economic growth and inspire job creation. This argument holds absolutely no merit, however, because if tax cuts are directly related to job creation, then how do you explain the loss of jobs since the Bush-era tax cuts were enacted?

Look, our political climate is composed of various factions, including democrats and republicans. For us to ever achieve anything meaningful, both sides must engage in quid pro quo, in that each side must be willing to give some and take some. As a staunch liberal, I’d love to spout the same talking points as the hardcore lefties, but I know as a realist that both democrats and republicans must compromise—even if it means unleashing a slight dose of pain and misery on their constituents.

That said, I expect Obama to concede on entitlements only if and when the republicans quit their “no compromise” game. Until then, the right-wingers can suck on an egg. I realize this means risking defaulting on our debt, but I don’t give a damn anymore. Look, most of us have been broke b4, so I’m sure we’ll survive any potential “financial apocalypse.” But let’s see how well the republicans and their corporate buddies fare when the shit hits the fan and their financial accounts disintegrate into dust. I bet they’ll be on street corners begging for change while the rest of us continue stackin’ that hood wealth like we playin’ Tetris! (and yeah, you can quote on me on that!)



Kids Dragged To Funeral Of Cougar That Was Shot For Killing Family On Vacation

Gardiner, MT—Hundreds of parents and grandparents marched their kids and/or grandkids through Yellowstone National Park on the afternoon of Thursday, July 6 to pay their respects to a poor, innocent fully-grown cougar who was inhumanely shot to death a day earlier for merely maiming, killing and eating a stupid-ass family that was on vacation, and to inject their children with measured doses of seething self-hatred.



“It saddens my heart to know that we as a species have become so vicious that we would so callously extinguish such a beautiful and angelic spirit—one that could never do any harm—just because it did a tiny bit of harm,” said Geraldine Beckham, a 52-year-old mother of three and grandmother of two who traveled over 2,000 miles overnight from Arlington, West Virginia with her grandkids, Moesha and Thomas, to teach them about mankind’s evil nature.

“It’s important that they recognize from an early age that we humans are nothing but just a bunch of mindless, resource-consuming predators who take, take and take from Mother Nature without ever giving anything back—unlike this poor cougar, whose poop I’m sure will be missed by countless, now-starving dung beetles.”

Moesha and Thomas had great difficulty accepting their grandmother’s wisdom at first, but after seeing the poor, innocent cougar’s lifeless body—which, out of respect, had been adorned in a trophy necklace composed of the plucked-out teeth of all the humans it had killed and placed in a solid, 14-karat gold plated casket lined with blue velvet—the two were so moved that they broke into tears and promised their grandmother that they’d “never ever” forget how evil they are.

The two weren’t alone in their sentiment, as hundreds of other children took the message that their parents and grandparents were trying to instill in them to heart. Some followed Moesha and Thomas’s lead by making a speech, while others put together skits and plays, sang songs and danced. One honorable young lad, 8-year-old Ryan Richie, was so inspired by all the performances that he stripped off all his clothes and sacrificed himself to a really friggen hungry-ass bear.

“It blows me away to know that my young boy was finally listening for a change,” said Ryan’s mother, Linda Jackson, a 43-year-old mother of four and a longtime PETA activist who has dedicated her life to making humans feel like shit to make up for the one time her puppy was run over by a “drunk on evil” driver thirty years ago. “It’s regrettable that my little Ry Ry was too stubborn to heed the words of Jesus or do his damn chores, but, by golly, at least he knew deep in his heart just how worthless he was in the grand scheme of things.”

Unfortunately, the serene festivities came to a tragically early halt approximately an hour before their scheduled conclusion due to the raucous protests of Jack McLougglin, a 24-year-old college student from the University of Portland who drove to the funeral with his girlfriend Lauren to protest what he felt was some seriously backwards-ass shit.

“Man, what the flying f**k is wrong with you people?” Jack yelled at the crowds of parents and kids as his girlfriend Lauren waved her right-hand index finger at them in an extremely self-righteous way.

“We’re not the ones to blame here! This cougar took the lives of Keenan Heidebrink, his wife Amy and their three children, Cornelius, Erwin and Marlana! Where’s their funeral? And yeah, I know it was just mindlessly defending itself from what it felt was a threat, but that doesn’t excuse it for what it did, and it certainly doesn’t make us liable. So shut the f**k up and get a grip!”

Mark continued with his lunatic-like rants and raves until a mob of enraged parents and kids finally jumped him, dragged him and his girlfriend off the stage and fed them to the aforementioned still really-friggen-hungry-ass bear.

“I hate people like that,” said Dwight Johnson, a 56-year-old father of two who helped participate in the plot to feed the bear with Jack and Lauren’s evil limbs. “You know, we’re out here trying to educate our children and teach them just a little damn thing about the cycle of life—like the way we suck and everything else, including flies and cougars, are so much better than us—and here comes an asshole and his loose as a goose girlfriend to ruin it.”

Thankfully, Jack and Lauren’s ridiculous words had no effects on the kids, as is evident by the brilliantly said words of Geraldine’s granddaughter, Moesha:

“I’m going to sacrifice myself to feed that still hungry bear.”

Upon hearing what Moesha said, Geraldine cried . . . she cried tears of joy.

Moral of the story: After a man was killed earlier this week by a bear in Yellowstone National Park, the comments that littered the web showed more concern for the stupid-ass bear’s well-being than for the man who was killed. And well, that annoyed me.

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I’ve been working so hard as hell to complete all of the above that I don’t have time for my customary PS notes. Instead, I’m going to sign off with some of that country shit:

“Let me tell you bout this
Super fly dirty dirty
Third coast muddy water
Shawty pop that p***y if ya wanna
Let me tell you bout this
Old school pourin' lean
Candied yams and collard greens
Pocket fulla stones ridin' clean
Let me tell you bout this country shit
Country country shit
Let me tell you bout this country shit
Country country shit
Let me tell you bout this country shit
Country country shit
Let me tell you bout this country shit
Country country shit
Country country shit”



Note - I’m not from the country, and I sure as hell can’t stand collard greens, gizzards and liver (eghhhhhhhhk), but I love me some country hiphop!

July 1st | I’m On One (DJ Khaled feat Drake, Rick Ross, Lil Wayne)

Evening. This week I’m going to attempt a satire comeback. I’ve lost a huge chunk of my ability because, well, being a good satirist requires continual mental exercise, but I haven’t given up altogether . . . or at least not yet.

Regardless, I don’t know how long I’ll keep it up because, like Drake, I too only care about money:

“All I care about is money and the city that I’m from
I’ma sip until I feel it, I’ma smoke it till it’s done
And I don’t really give a f-ck, and my excuse is that I’m young
And I’m only getting older so somebody shoulda told ya.”

FYI – It’s just a saying. I don’t actually just care about money! I also care about paper, dye and cotton!

Speaking of money, my main satire is going to be a direct attack on the GOP. This post will likely get flagged regardless of what I write, so I decided to go at it all the way. The truth is that not only do I disagree with the GOP on social and financial issues, but I also despise them. That said, I feel like expressing that frustration through some good ol’ satire—or my attempt at satire (it’s going to be very, very stale!)

HOORAH!

Brief News: Stupid-Ass Neighborhood Dog Barks At God

Austin, Texas— An annoying, piece-of-shit dog known throughout the Austin neighborhood of Liberty Hill as Buster likes to bark at anything, be it human, animal, alien or rock—yes, I said rock. As of late Thursday afternoon, it appears that Buster even likes to bark at God!



“I was just hanging out in my living room yesterday around 5:30pm, drinking some brown ale and relaxing from a hard day at work, when suddenly the door flew open and God—friggen God, man—walked in,” Buster’s owner, Darrian Bartholomew, told reporters. “The next thing I know, Buster is all up in his face barking like a jackass.”

“It’s like WTF dude? Nobody barks at God!”

According to God’s secretary, a heavenly day laborer by the name of Jesus (not to be confused with Jesus Christ), God was at the time paying Darrian a visit to tell him to “shut his dog the f**k up.” The visit was prompted by the nonstop complaints that have been flooding his office regarding the incessant barking.

“We got angels, dead spirits and even friggen demons sending us telepathic complaints about this bullshit all the time!” Jesus explained. “Straight-up dude . . . you know shit is bad when even Satan-worshipping demons are asking for God’s help!”

The last thing God expected from the visit, however, was to be personally barked at by the accused mutt. According to both Darrian & Jesus, God grew so enraged that he literally “kicked Buster’s ass straight to purgatory.”

In Related News: Stupid-Ass Dog Barks At Satan

Moral of the Story: This piece was designed to make fun of barking dogs. There just happen to be a shitload of them in my current neighborhood. In fact, last weekend, I came outside in the middle of the night to have a smoke, and there was a dog about a mile away barking like crazy. I came back outside 30 minutes later and he was still barking! LOL!

Brief Image: Man Who Enjoys Torturing Flies To Death Claims To Not Be A Sadist

Raleigh, NC—Capital city native William Denison absolutely hates flies—so much so that he invested in 500 Big Bag Fly Traps just so that he could capture thousands of flies, pull apart their limbs one by one and then cook their limbless but still alive bodies in a microwave.



“Look, I’m not some sadist who enjoys scaring dogs, roasting ants or blowing up frogs—except on July 4th, of course—but when it comes to flies, it’s a totally different matter altogether,” Williams told reporters, while staring at his latest batch of captured flies with eyes alight. “Flies have no respect whatsoever for social boundaries; even after you swap at them, they keep coming back, buzzing, buzzing and buzzing around your eyes, nose and mouth.”

“And frankly, after years of being constantly disrespected by them, I snapped!”

William has, in fact, already killed slightly over 12,000 flies this month alone . . . and it’s only July 2nd! His neighbors appreciate his efforts, for the most part, though there are few church-going folks in the neighborhood who’re scared to death of him.

“It’s quite sad, really,” William commented. “I’m into catching and torturing flies until they die in pain and agony.”

He continued, “What’s so scary about that?!”

Moral of the story: I hate flies!

The American People Protest The GOP’s Tendency To Cite The American People

Washington, DC—The American people congregated en masse outside Capitol Hill early Friday morning to publicly decry Republican politicians incessant use of the phrase, “the American people.” Among those who participated were whites, blacks, Asians, Latinos, homosexuals, transgendered peoples, young people, old people, Christians, Muslims, Jews, Satanists, atheists and a dog named Fluffy.



“I am fed up with every republican politician using the phrase ‘the American people’ to emphasize their bullshit talking points,” said Leonna Miller, the black, atheist lesbian woman who organized the event. “Sorry to break it to them, but they don’t represent me, my spouse, my friends, my parents or even my friggen dog!”

A political aficionado who lives, breaths and practically eats politics, Miss Miller was inspired to arrange the protest after hearing Speaker of the House John Boehner, House Majority Leader Eric Cantor and Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell defend their refusal to tackle corporate welfare on the basis that it would go against the wishes of “the American people.”

“What a load of crap!” Leonna barked at reporters, waving her fists in the air in anger.

“Everybody I know wants—in fact, demands—that Congress reform the tax code by eliminating loopholes, cutting subsidies and increasing the corporate tax rate,” Leonna continued. “So when it comes to the supposed ‘American people,’ I don’t know who the bloody hell these GOP pigs are referring to because they sure as hell don’t represent anybody that I know.”

“Plus, nineteen polls conducted this year alone by various organizations such as the New York Times and NBC News all confirm that the majority of Americans support slicing corporate welfare!”

Others at the protest echoed Leonna’s concerns about taxes, while also making mention of additional issues such as the republicans’ stance on abortion, gay rights, environmentalism and the Dream Act, not to mention their outright hatred for foreign films, yoga, nude yoga, atheists, Muslims who wear turbans and the WNBA.

The protesters also admitted that they don’t necessarily represent every American.

“Obviously, we 50,000 or so protesters can’t speak for everybody in this great nation of ours,” said Rachel Jackson, Leonna’s unofficial spouse. “But I believe strongly in my heart that, at the very least, we are more representative of this nation than those few who follow the GOP, in that we’re composed of various races, ethnicities, religions and even species, while the GOP fans tend to fit within a slightly more narrow and limited spectrum of people.”

Many protesters were also concerned with what they feel is the GOP’s desire to subvert democracy to achieve what they want—which, they claim, is a non-secular, Christian nation whose citizens aren’t governed by laws acquired through debates of reason & logic, but rather via religious dogmatism, corporate manipulation and fear.

“This sounds a bit ridiculous, but it’s almost as if they want to turn America into some sort of ‘utopia’ dominated by shotgun-wielding militias and virgin zombies who bow without question to their greedy, private-jet-loving corporate overlords and put religious insanity and simpleton dialogue over science and intellectualism,” Leonna said, shaking her head in dismay. “That’s obviously an exaggeration, but just look at all the things they’re trying to do across the country: subvert women’s right to obtain an abortion, subvert homosexuals’ right to marry and fight for their country, subvert public workers’ right to unionize and even subvert dogs’ right to good, quality food!”

Speaking of dog food, the most vocal protester was no other than Leonna’s own dog, Fluffy, an extremely hungry and horny chihuahua who claims that the GOP’s refusal to curb Wall Street’s rampant speculation has caused prices for his favorite food, Nutro Natural Choice, to rise. This in turn has caused Leonna to switch to “stinkin’ Pedigree.”

“I’ve gone from feeling energetic and full of life to suffering from constant fatigue and diarrea!” Fluffy barked, wagging his tail at lightening-fast speed. “Other dogs say that that’s just life, but I blame the republicans, damnit!”

Realistically, though, the protesters are well aware that their efforts are in vain, as the GOP isn’t likely to change its stance just because of a few loudmouths. Regardless, they intend to continue protesting on the basis that it is better to fight and get nowhere than to not even try fighting at all.

Moral of the story: The GOP does not represent me OR MY DOG in the slightest way!

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That’s it. It certainly wasn’t my best work, but it wasn’t my worst either. I hope to continue writing satire. It’s a very difficult task and frankly, I’m not very good at it! Talent is the ability to come up with “Super Mario Boners” (good job, Sam!). What I do is more like some Amateur Night at the Apollo shit. I hate to admit it, but unless I get a dose of talent directly from God himself, I don’t think I’ll ever be famous, let alone successful. And yeah, I’m throwing a pity party!



PS #1. If Ron Paul wasn’t so got damn crazy, he would be a great candidate. He has great social views, but we need laws and government, dude! Need government to keep our water safe so we don’t get diarrhea! We need government to manage foreign relationships! We need government to handle sewage and waste! If I want a product or service, I’ll go to a corporation, but when it comes to education, healthcare and about every other damn thing on Earth, I trust my government. And if I’m a fool for that, so be it, but at least I’m a patriotic fool!

PS #2. There exists a summer/winter paradox. It’s too hot for my dog to run in the summer, so I jog while she walks speedily beside me. It’s too cold for me to run in the winter, so I bike while she runs ultra-fast beside me. She’s gaining weight right now and falling a bit apart, but the same thing will happen to me when winter comes around again. She loves winter because she can run ultra fast without getting overheated. Have no fear, lady, because your time shall return again!

PS #3. I hate my dog. She sheds so f**king much. You have no idea how much dog hair I accidentally eat! No matter how much I deshed and brush her, her hair still ends up everywhere—on my clothes, in my food and in my beverages. I’m not supposed to shave her breed (shepherd/husky), but I’m hella tempted right now. I’m just so fed up with all the hair. I’m a heterosexual guy… I don’t like hair! GRRR!

PS #4. Be sure to cast your vote for the Carolina Music Awards, which bestows honor on North Carolina’s finest hip-hop males & females, hip-hop groups, rock n roll males & females, rock n roll bands, r&b males and females, r&b groups, country males & females, country bands and more!

PS #5. “I’m On One” remix: “I Owe One.”

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