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Evening, idiots. I’m sorry if I sound pissy, but it’s one of those weeks. Our nation is in a debt crisis like no other, Boehner is eating pizza (with those thighs!??) and hardcore conservatives keep complaining about all us “bleeding-heart, dumbass liberals.” Sighs.
Anyway. Today I got some political commentary directed at all the hardcore conservatives. Regular conservatives can chill, because this isn’t about you all. Also included is a brief practice lesson in Comedy 101 and some low-grade satire. Enjoy.
What If It Were Me?
I’m a slightly mentally retarded idiot who, though just a few months shy of 30, possesses the emotional intelligence of a 20-year-old. This is in fact the reason why I find it amusing to call my penis Mr. Spanky. Speaking of which, Mr. Spanky is very, very lonely for a slim woman with B to C- breasts and lightly textured skin of the white or redbone persuasion!
Anyhow. My life as a slightly mentally retarded idiot has been fraught with tribulations—alcohol and drug abuse, depression, suicidal thoughts, unemployment and even crime. Yet, despite these adversities, I’m now a hard-working, tax-paying citizen who spends his free time reading, writing and drawing caricatures of his penis, whereas in the past I would have been seeking out another “fix” or scheming ways to illegally earn a buck.
The only reason I managed to finally rise up from the dour circumstances of my past is because of the unrelenting love and support my parents showed me. They waited patiently, year after year, for me to finally get a grip and accept that which comes with living in reality: working hard, paying bills and sitting down to pee on the toilet (still working on that one).
Unfortunately, many children aren’t blessed with such caring parents. Some grow up under the tutelage of abusers and molesters, while others are forced to make due all on their own, for better or worse. Thus, many of these same kids end up, by no choice of their own, intertwined in a dark, seedy world of crime, drugs and prostitution. And because nobody gives a damn, they keep falling and falling—either unto death, or into prison.
The only chance many of these broken kids have is through us. I cannot prove this with facts or figures, but I wholeheartedly believe that every dollar directed toward free clinics, free education programs and free treatment centers makes a difference. Certainly, not every child will be saved, as rising up requires will and determination, but if even one comes up as per our efforts, then that’s what I call money well spent.
So you can probably imagine why it irritates me to no end that hardcore conservatives feel that spending money on such programs is equivalent to socialism. It is their belief that we were all magically born equal, and that someone who doesn’t make it is nothing more than a lazy bum who doesn’t deserve to live a good life—that those individuals whose lives are fraught with pain and suffering have somehow earned their fate.
But just imagine for a moment what would have happened if you had been born in a bad environment or you had been born with a mental illness. Imagine running home everyday after school to escape being teased and bullied, only to get beat-up or molested by your father. Imagine trying your hardest to perform well at school, only to constantly fail for no reason that you can think of.
And the conservatives aren’t just concerned about the “social’ism” welfare of the impoverished and disabled. They’re equally irritated at all the “entitlements” the elderly receive via Social Security and Medicare. What concerns them is that such “excessive spending” is taking away from money that could be lining the pockets of “job creators” like Exxon Mobile (30.460 billion net profit as of 2010) and Chevron Corporation (19.024 billion net income as of 2010).
What these conservatives don’t realize is that a living, breathing human is more important than a pseudo human like Exxon or Chevron. Job creation is important, but it’s not as important as ensuring that every single living, breathing human in our country is given the tools and resources needed to excel. Some will squander it, I know, but for every fool, there are tens and thousands more just like me who will use it to rise up in this world—and it’s for them that I “sing this song.”
It’s true that our country is in a financial crisis and that we must all make sacrifices if we are to ever get beyond it. But that remains an impossibility so long as conservatives maintain the argument that empowering the “job creators” even further—the same “job creators” who are quick to fire their American workers and outsource jobs just so that they can increase their bottom line—is more important than anything else, including the welfare of the elderly, disabled and impoverished.
Remember, these “worthless bums” you see at the unemployment office, at the social services center and at the grocery store with their EBT cards could be you. Some of them are abusing the system, but most of them are just trying to survive a very cold, vicious world that doesn’t give a rat’s ass about anything but profit. So before you judge them, always ask yourself, “What if it were me?”
Comedy 101: Proverbs and Pun Headlines
To become a better comedian, I’m working on simple tasks like modifying proverbs and coming up with puns. Wish me luck!
“If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it” . . . unless your wife tells you to.
“A good man is hard to find” . . . especially at the strip club.
“A drowning man will clutch at a straw” . . . and that’s exactly why his dumbass will keep drowning.
Among those who stand, do not sit; among those who sit, do not stand. Among those who laugh, do not weep; among those who weep, do not laugh . . . and among those who fart, do not inhale.
Nature breaks through the eyes of the cat . . . and it also breaks through the hole of the ass.
Can the monkey know the taste of ginger? . . . My “monkey” knows the taste of Finger, Mary Anne AND Mrs. Howell!
Sleep after selling horses and elephants . . . and get drunk before sleeping with fat women.
If a child washes his hands he could eat with kings . . . and if he scrubs your cock, he could be the Pope’s BFF.
OJ Prison Rapist Didn’t Use a Glove; AIDs Possible
Obama Confronts Boehner At Pizza Parlor And Says, “Show Me The Dough!”
President Outsources Debt Reduction Talks To Vice President
Moral of the story: Just making fun of a republican who said Obama outsourced the debt problem to Biden.
Man Completely Unaware That He’s A Total Fatass
It has come to the attention of the U.S. Center for Disease Control and Prevention that around 3:00 pm on Thursday, July 21, an unidentified man from Jackson, Mississippi walked into the Wendy’s on the corner of East Woodrow Wilson Avenue and North State Street, and, after ordering enough food to feed a horse, had the nerve to ask for a diet coke. “According to the cashier that was on staff that afternoon, the bastard even had the audacity to ask for her number,” said the agency’s director, Abraham R. Batushansky, MD, MPH. “Either the roly-poly-likely-Polack shmuck is oblivious to the fact that he’s fatter than the Fat Jew, or he simply has no f**king shame.”
“Oy, a broch!”
Moral of the story: Look in the mirror, you fat bastards! All of you! Yeah! I said it!
Shout-out of the story: Give it up to the FAT JEW!
Note of the story: I didn’t mean to make it about Jews, but it kind of just came to me. Lesson #1 of Comedy: the best ideas usually come spontaneously. So do the worst ideas…
Funniest Sorta-Political Joke Ever
I’m currently out of quality reading materials, so as I wait for the next batch of books to arrive, I’m keeping myself busy by reading words of wisdom from the magnanimous book, “More Filthy Dirty Jokes: Uncensored Edition.” The other night I flipped to the politics section, and I stumbled upon a really good joke about the Reverend Al Sharpton. Before I recite the joke, let it be known that I think da Rev, Ted Kennedy, Al Gore and Bill Clinton are all the tops. However, a good joke is a good joke, damnit!
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One day in the future, Al Sharpton has a heart-attack and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.
“I don’t know what to do here,” says the devil. “You are on my list, but I have no room for you.”
“You definitely have to stay here, so I’ll tell you what I’m going to do. I’ve got a couple of folks here who weren’t quite as bas as you. I’ll let one of them go, but you have to take their pace. I’ll even let YOU decide who leaves.”
Sharpton thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the right room. In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Over, and over, and over he dove in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell.
“No,” Sharpton said. “I don’t think so. I’m not a good swimmer, and I don’t think I could do that all day long.”
The devil led him to the door of the next room. In it was Al Gore with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time again.
“No, this is no good. I’ve got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day,” commented Al.
The devil opened a third door. Through it, Al saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
Sharpton looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, “Yeah man, I can handle this.”
The devil smiled and said ….
“Ok, Monica, you’re free to go.”
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If you don’t think that’s funny, then KILL YOSELF, because I bet you $1,000 that even Da Rev himself would laugh out loud at it! Mmm hmm!
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Thank you for listening. I do this because it makes me feel good inside… when I do it well. Last week’s post made me feel like total shit because it was garbage. This time around, however, I feel like I did okay. I literally started writing just this afternoon, but it all somehow came to me. Divine inspiration, man. I’m not religious and God can literally suck on my nuts (sorry @ Michelle Bachmann), but thank you to whatever/whomever/however I get the inspiration.
THANK YOU!
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