It feels like this shit will never happen, but hey, sometimes dreams really do come to fruition. The only way to make it happen, though, is through years and years of payin’ them dues and rising up through the trenches like UGK. Them cats grinded for damn near twenty years til they finally earned the top spot in 2007 with their album Underground Kingz.
Some of us will make it up to the top way quicker than that, while the rest of us will have to grind for years and perhaps even decades before our time arrives—if it ever does at all. No matter, though. The key is to never stop grindin’, for better or worse, cuz it’s get rich or die having tried your best up in this bitch. There ain’t no other options, and you’d best believe that.
I’m up out of here; 1!
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Anyway. Today I’m combining a political column with some animal/human-relations satire. Enjoy!
Quid Pro Quo — You Give Some, You Take Some
This week, President Barack unveiled a bipartisan deficit-reduction plan that tackles “entitlements” while also raising taxes on millionaires. It would slash the deficit by $4 trillion over the next 12 years by reducing spending on benefit programs like Social Security and Medicare, eliminating tax carve-outs and deductions, repealing the Bush-era tax cuts for millionaires and cutting defense spending. The goal is to address the long-term fiscal debt crisis via a solution that calls for sacrifice by all Americans, i.e., a Grand Bargain:
Revenue Increases + “Entitlement” Cuts + Defense Cuts + Marijuana Legalization
The latter wasn’t discussed in the original plan, but I think it would be beneficial to add it (angel face).
I’m very pleased with the president because he’s finally taken hold of the reins and begun to shine as a genuine leader. Numerous hardcore lefties are screaming foul, however, arguing that the crisis should be resolved strictly by raising taxes and fixing the healthcare system. Those arguing these talking points seem to have forgotten that the republicans control the house. Plus, let’s not forget that even with a democratic majority for two whole years, we were still unable to win the highly coveted public option.
Meanwhile, the hardcore righties are refusing to capitulate on taxes, on the basis that it would hurt the economy. They would rather lower high-income tax rates even further—while simultaneously ripping Social Security and Medicare into dust—because they believe this path would spur economic growth and inspire job creation. This argument holds absolutely no merit, however, because if tax cuts are directly related to job creation, then how do you explain the loss of jobs since the Bush-era tax cuts were enacted?
Look, our political climate is composed of various factions, including democrats and republicans. For us to ever achieve anything meaningful, both sides must engage in quid pro quo, in that each side must be willing to give some and take some. As a staunch liberal, I’d love to spout the same talking points as the hardcore lefties, but I know as a realist that both democrats and republicans must compromise—even if it means unleashing a slight dose of pain and misery on their constituents.
That said, I expect Obama to concede on entitlements only if and when the republicans quit their “no compromise” game. Until then, the right-wingers can suck on an egg. I realize this means risking defaulting on our debt, but I don’t give a damn anymore. Look, most of us have been broke b4, so I’m sure we’ll survive any potential “financial apocalypse.” But let’s see how well the republicans and their corporate buddies fare when the shit hits the fan and their financial accounts disintegrate into dust. I bet they’ll be on street corners begging for change while the rest of us continue stackin’ that hood wealth like we playin’ Tetris! (and yeah, you can quote on me on that!)
Kids Dragged To Funeral Of Cougar That Was Shot For Killing Family On Vacation
Gardiner, MT—Hundreds of parents and grandparents marched their kids and/or grandkids through Yellowstone National Park on the afternoon of Thursday, July 6 to pay their respects to a poor, innocent fully-grown cougar who was inhumanely shot to death a day earlier for merely maiming, killing and eating a stupid-ass family that was on vacation, and to inject their children with measured doses of seething self-hatred.
“It saddens my heart to know that we as a species have become so vicious that we would so callously extinguish such a beautiful and angelic spirit—one that could never do any harm—just because it did a tiny bit of harm,” said Geraldine Beckham, a 52-year-old mother of three and grandmother of two who traveled over 2,000 miles overnight from Arlington, West Virginia with her grandkids, Moesha and Thomas, to teach them about mankind’s evil nature.
“It’s important that they recognize from an early age that we humans are nothing but just a bunch of mindless, resource-consuming predators who take, take and take from Mother Nature without ever giving anything back—unlike this poor cougar, whose poop I’m sure will be missed by countless, now-starving dung beetles.”
Moesha and Thomas had great difficulty accepting their grandmother’s wisdom at first, but after seeing the poor, innocent cougar’s lifeless body—which, out of respect, had been adorned in a trophy necklace composed of the plucked-out teeth of all the humans it had killed and placed in a solid, 14-karat gold plated casket lined with blue velvet—the two were so moved that they broke into tears and promised their grandmother that they’d “never ever” forget how evil they are.
The two weren’t alone in their sentiment, as hundreds of other children took the message that their parents and grandparents were trying to instill in them to heart. Some followed Moesha and Thomas’s lead by making a speech, while others put together skits and plays, sang songs and danced. One honorable young lad, 8-year-old Ryan Richie, was so inspired by all the performances that he stripped off all his clothes and sacrificed himself to a really friggen hungry-ass bear.
“It blows me away to know that my young boy was finally listening for a change,” said Ryan’s mother, Linda Jackson, a 43-year-old mother of four and a longtime PETA activist who has dedicated her life to making humans feel like shit to make up for the one time her puppy was run over by a “drunk on evil” driver thirty years ago. “It’s regrettable that my little Ry Ry was too stubborn to heed the words of Jesus or do his damn chores, but, by golly, at least he knew deep in his heart just how worthless he was in the grand scheme of things.”
Unfortunately, the serene festivities came to a tragically early halt approximately an hour before their scheduled conclusion due to the raucous protests of Jack McLougglin, a 24-year-old college student from the University of Portland who drove to the funeral with his girlfriend Lauren to protest what he felt was some seriously backwards-ass shit.
“Man, what the flying f**k is wrong with you people?” Jack yelled at the crowds of parents and kids as his girlfriend Lauren waved her right-hand index finger at them in an extremely self-righteous way.
“We’re not the ones to blame here! This cougar took the lives of Keenan Heidebrink, his wife Amy and their three children, Cornelius, Erwin and Marlana! Where’s their funeral? And yeah, I know it was just mindlessly defending itself from what it felt was a threat, but that doesn’t excuse it for what it did, and it certainly doesn’t make us liable. So shut the f**k up and get a grip!”
Mark continued with his lunatic-like rants and raves until a mob of enraged parents and kids finally jumped him, dragged him and his girlfriend off the stage and fed them to the aforementioned still really-friggen-hungry-ass bear.
“I hate people like that,” said Dwight Johnson, a 56-year-old father of two who helped participate in the plot to feed the bear with Jack and Lauren’s evil limbs. “You know, we’re out here trying to educate our children and teach them just a little damn thing about the cycle of life—like the way we suck and everything else, including flies and cougars, are so much better than us—and here comes an asshole and his loose as a goose girlfriend to ruin it.”
Thankfully, Jack and Lauren’s ridiculous words had no effects on the kids, as is evident by the brilliantly said words of Geraldine’s granddaughter, Moesha:
“I’m going to sacrifice myself to feed that still hungry bear.”
Upon hearing what Moesha said, Geraldine cried . . . she cried tears of joy.
Moral of the story: After a man was killed earlier this week by a bear in Yellowstone National Park, the comments that littered the web showed more concern for the stupid-ass bear’s well-being than for the man who was killed. And well, that annoyed me.
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I’ve been working so hard as hell to complete all of the above that I don’t have time for my customary PS notes. Instead, I’m going to sign off with some of that country shit:
“Let me tell you bout this
Super fly dirty dirty
Third coast muddy water
Shawty pop that p***y if ya wanna
Let me tell you bout this
Old school pourin' lean
Candied yams and collard greens
Pocket fulla stones ridin' clean
Let me tell you bout this country shit
Country country shit
Let me tell you bout this country shit
Country country shit
Let me tell you bout this country shit
Country country shit
Let me tell you bout this country shit
Country country shit
Country country shit”
Note - I’m not from the country, and I sure as hell can’t stand collard greens, gizzards and liver (eghhhhhhhhk), but I love me some country hiphop!
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