"And I’mma hit this drink up like it’s my last
I’mma hit this night up like it’s my last
I’mma I’mma hmm hmm, like it’s my last (boi)
Swear I’mma, swear I’mma get it like
Like I never had it at all all all all, all all all all
Like I never had it at all all all all, all all all all"
R.I.P., my dude! You in my heart, baby!
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Evening, folks. Tonight, I’m going straight after the Tea Party.
I have held my tongue time and time again, but I can’t take it anymore. Everyday I see Tea Party members shit-talking “liberal retards” on the Internet, so it’s my turn to throw the smackdown.
In doing so, it may look like I’m also going after Jesus . . .
But I’m not. Quite frankly, I think Jesus is the tops. What’s not to love about a longhaired white dude who may or may not own a 12-foot bong. It just so happens that most Tea Party members are hardcore Christians, and so I’m going to use that as the basis for my satire.
I do want to apologize, however, for always writing such partisan satire, but as Joe Scarborough indirectly made abundantly clear, at the end of the day I am simply a blogger who lives with his Mama, eats cheetos, and walks around in his underwear. (false, false, true) :-)
On a more serious note, the reason I don’t work for The Onion or The Daily Show is because I don’t know how to write non-partisan comedy, i.e., I’m a comedic ideologue!
R.I.P.
If you had known Chris, Dale and Baybay like I knew them, you would have thought they were a bunch of hoodlums. That’s because they kind of were hoodlums. None of them worked real jobs. They all had a close, personal relationship with drugs. And the only Bible quote they followed was the one about “banging bitches.” I’ve never read that one, but it supposedly exists.
I met Chris in 2001 at the county fair. Prior to meeting him, my life was hell. I was depressed, lonely, and desperate for friends and love. Chris recognized my pain, so he introduced me to all his friends—Joe, Ally, Matt, Brook, Wilburn, Dale, Baybay, Cornell, etc. From then on, every night I was out living life. We’d go bowling, talk to girls at the club (though I’d just watch because I was too shy), and cruise the streets. Sadly, Chris passed in the summer of 2002 as per a car accident.
Before Chris passed, he introduced me to Dale. This fat bastard was a boon to my existence from the first moment I met him. He raced my car around like he was Mario Andretti, he cock-blocked me on two separate occasions, and he made my apartment smell like shit. But he had a good heart and it was through him that I came to know his cousin Baybay. Unfortunately, after getting out of prison in September 2008, he traveled back home to Memphis, only to die a few days later in a motorcycle crash.
Baybay was a true thug. He grew up walking the streets of Memphis with a gun at his hip. Once, while questioning me about a crime, the police told me that I shouldn’t hang out with Baybay because he was “hardcore.” I didn’t listen because I felt like I owed everything I had to Baybay. It was because of him that I met and asked out Erica Williams. It was therefore because of him that I lost my virginity before I turned 21, and because of him that I know what it feels like to love a woman. Alas, he was gunned down this past Thursday.
Many people wonder why I got so much love for the hood. It’s because of these three fellows. They didn’t judge me because I looked and talked differently, or because I tried to act cool. They accepted me for who I was and let me into their click. And because of them, I have so many wonderful memories. I’ve gotten my life together, quit trying to be something that I’m not, and stopped hanging out in the hood, but I’ll never forget the everything I’ve been through, for better or worse. That said, my heart goes out to every hood ni$$a in the world—especially Chris, Dale and Baybay.
R.I.P.!
Note – If you think I’m gay for this, then shoot yourself because you’re the gay one, trick.
Jesus Christ Reveals That Tea Party Is The Antichrist
New York, NY—Jesus Christ, the savior of mankind and the only long-haired hippy whose presence conservatives can stand for longer than ten minutes, made a surprise visit to Studio 3A at the Rockefeller Center early Friday morning to reveal to MSNBC contributor Willie Geist that the Tea Party, which is overwhelmingly Christian, is in fact the very essence of the Antichrist.
“It has been a long time since God and I worked with, you know, Moses, John, Greg, Peter, Bobby and whomever to prepare the Bible and New Testament and all that crap,” Jesus told Willie while he flipped through the latest edition of Endtime Magazine, “but I am pretty sure that we said something about showing love to the poor, not judging others, being open to new ideas, coveting spirituality over wealth, and only using the term Hitler to refer to people who commit genocide—and not like, you know, the president.”
He continued, “Yet the Tea Party doesn’t do any of that. Mind you, I think we also said something about how you should beat up slaves that misbehave, kill all the citizens of a conquered nation, and burn your daughter alive as a sacrificial offering to God when like, you know, times are tough and you could really use an extra 50 bucks to get your car payment in on time, but hey, the Tea Party folks should be able to tell when we’re joking around.”
Jesus went on to cite the many ways in which Tea Party members, though claiming to represent the very best of Christian values, behave contrary to his and his father’s teachings. In particular, he noted their staunch stance against universal healthcare, which would have allowed anyone to receive mental and physical treatment, regardless of financial status; their fuming antipathy toward people of different religions and sexuality, not to mention manatees; and their condescending disapproval of the arts, contemporary music, and Hollywood.
“Flying around heaven for 2,000 years has taken a heavy toll on my body, but because of Hollywood, everybody thinks I’m some sort of super-sexy and ripped pretty boy,” Jesus explained. “Besides, just because someone is an actor doesn’t mean he or she isn’t entitled to an opinion on say . . . politics.”
He added, “Plus, I don’t see Tea Party members donating portions of their wealth to any charities—besides their own, of course.”
According to Jesus, another sign that Tea Party members are out of touch with Christianity is their penchant for false prophecy. He claims that Tea Party notables and favorites like Texas Governor Rick Perry, conservative radio hosts Glenn Beck and Rush Limbaugh, and about 75% of the guests on the Coast to Coast radio show are all false prophets.
“Instead of listening to these goofy lunatics, the Tea Party needs to be listening to the real prophets, as in John Lennon, Uncle Luke, Marc Anthony, and Matthew Bellamy,” Jesus argued while he made sweeping air-guitar motions. “John imagined the perfect world, Luke taught us about doo-doo brown, Marc slept with J.Lo, and Matthew just rocks!”
Also telling of the Tea Party, Jesus asserted, is its hypocrisy, such as in the way the Tea Party feels it’s entitled to this, that, and a third, but at the same time believes that people who are hard on their luck should just suck it. Even more damning are the Tea Party’s greed and unwillingness to compromise, both of which threaten to bring the United States’ economy to a screeching halt.
“Tea Party members dwell in a dark abyss of fear, greed, hatred and delusion, yet they feel that just because they pray every night, attend Bible meetings every Wednesday, and file into Church every Sunday, that they’re somehow immune to the Antichrist—who, for the record, they claim everybody else is merely a pawn of,” Jesus said as he shook his head in dismay.
"It's very sad. To find my dad and I, people must look within. Folks can spend the rest of their lives reading the writings of my father and I, but until they look deep inside themselves, they'll never find either of us. Most people realize this, but not the Tea Party. Instead of looking for solutions within themselves, they direct all their insecurities at the world--and in doing so, instead of slaying Goliath with a sling, they allow themselves to be taken over by the mentality of Oliver Crangle."
Moral of the story: The Tea Party, in my opinion, is to Christianity what the Rosie O’Donnell is to a two-piece bathing suit—a bad fit!
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There it is. Judge not lest thou be judgedth. Well, I just judged ya’ll Tea Party folk, so I give you permission to judge me in kind. All I ask is that you judge me with sharp style and wit. Instead of saying I’m “gay” (which I’m not), say something like, “You’re so dense that you refract light.” See? And no, I’m not an elitist. I’m just a smartass who never got beat up in middle school (big goofy smile).
PS #1. The best way to get the ass out of a smart kid is to beat him up a few times. Keep in mind this method only works on kids, because once an adult smartass, always an adult smartass!
PS #3. No disrespect meant toward C2C Radio. I think George Noory and crew are the tops!
PS #3. There's a frog that comes out by the deck door every night, and every night my dog Sheila goes up to and sniffs it, and it just stays there. Sometimes it hops around a little, but for the most part it stays. I picked it up last night and I gotta say, I quite like the feller! Anyone know what frogs eat? And what should I name it? The only name that comes to mind at the moment is Froggy.
PS #4. My very cool but extremely white as a snowflake roomie is throwing a poker party tomorrow. Pray for me ya’ll. Pray that one of his friends doesn’t bust out a guitar and start singing “Bye, Bye, Miss American Pie, Took The Levy to the Chevy and I got Really High” (or whatever), cuz if they do, I may have to kill myself! LOL (I’m a smartass!)
PS #5. To hell with all the haters. Ya’ll may not believe it, but I know for a fact that I spit HOT FYA!
Night.
R.I.P. to Clarence W. Smith, or as I knew him: Bay Bay.
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