Regardless, I don’t know how long I’ll keep it up because, like Drake, I too only care about money:
“All I care about is money and the city that I’m from
I’ma sip until I feel it, I’ma smoke it till it’s done
And I don’t really give a f-ck, and my excuse is that I’m young
And I’m only getting older so somebody shoulda told ya.”
FYI – It’s just a saying. I don’t actually just care about money! I also care about paper, dye and cotton!
Speaking of money, my main satire is going to be a direct attack on the GOP. This post will likely get flagged regardless of what I write, so I decided to go at it all the way. The truth is that not only do I disagree with the GOP on social and financial issues, but I also despise them. That said, I feel like expressing that frustration through some good ol’ satire—or my attempt at satire (it’s going to be very, very stale!)
HOORAH!
Brief News: Stupid-Ass Neighborhood Dog Barks At God
Austin, Texas— An annoying, piece-of-shit dog known throughout the Austin neighborhood of Liberty Hill as Buster likes to bark at anything, be it human, animal, alien or rock—yes, I said rock. As of late Thursday afternoon, it appears that Buster even likes to bark at God!
“I was just hanging out in my living room yesterday around 5:30pm, drinking some brown ale and relaxing from a hard day at work, when suddenly the door flew open and God—friggen God, man—walked in,” Buster’s owner, Darrian Bartholomew, told reporters. “The next thing I know, Buster is all up in his face barking like a jackass.”
“It’s like WTF dude? Nobody barks at God!”
According to God’s secretary, a heavenly day laborer by the name of Jesus (not to be confused with Jesus Christ), God was at the time paying Darrian a visit to tell him to “shut his dog the f**k up.” The visit was prompted by the nonstop complaints that have been flooding his office regarding the incessant barking.
“We got angels, dead spirits and even friggen demons sending us telepathic complaints about this bullshit all the time!” Jesus explained. “Straight-up dude . . . you know shit is bad when even Satan-worshipping demons are asking for God’s help!”
The last thing God expected from the visit, however, was to be personally barked at by the accused mutt. According to both Darrian & Jesus, God grew so enraged that he literally “kicked Buster’s ass straight to purgatory.”
In Related News: Stupid-Ass Dog Barks At Satan
Moral of the Story: This piece was designed to make fun of barking dogs. There just happen to be a shitload of them in my current neighborhood. In fact, last weekend, I came outside in the middle of the night to have a smoke, and there was a dog about a mile away barking like crazy. I came back outside 30 minutes later and he was still barking! LOL!
Brief Image: Man Who Enjoys Torturing Flies To Death Claims To Not Be A Sadist
Raleigh, NC—Capital city native William Denison absolutely hates flies—so much so that he invested in 500 Big Bag Fly Traps just so that he could capture thousands of flies, pull apart their limbs one by one and then cook their limbless but still alive bodies in a microwave.
“Look, I’m not some sadist who enjoys scaring dogs, roasting ants or blowing up frogs—except on July 4th, of course—but when it comes to flies, it’s a totally different matter altogether,” Williams told reporters, while staring at his latest batch of captured flies with eyes alight. “Flies have no respect whatsoever for social boundaries; even after you swap at them, they keep coming back, buzzing, buzzing and buzzing around your eyes, nose and mouth.”
“And frankly, after years of being constantly disrespected by them, I snapped!”
William has, in fact, already killed slightly over 12,000 flies this month alone . . . and it’s only July 2nd! His neighbors appreciate his efforts, for the most part, though there are few church-going folks in the neighborhood who’re scared to death of him.
“It’s quite sad, really,” William commented. “I’m into catching and torturing flies until they die in pain and agony.”
He continued, “What’s so scary about that?!”
Moral of the story: I hate flies!
The American People Protest The GOP’s Tendency To Cite The American People
Washington, DC—The American people congregated en masse outside Capitol Hill early Friday morning to publicly decry Republican politicians incessant use of the phrase, “the American people.” Among those who participated were whites, blacks, Asians, Latinos, homosexuals, transgendered peoples, young people, old people, Christians, Muslims, Jews, Satanists, atheists and a dog named Fluffy.
“I am fed up with every republican politician using the phrase ‘the American people’ to emphasize their bullshit talking points,” said Leonna Miller, the black, atheist lesbian woman who organized the event. “Sorry to break it to them, but they don’t represent me, my spouse, my friends, my parents or even my friggen dog!”
A political aficionado who lives, breaths and practically eats politics, Miss Miller was inspired to arrange the protest after hearing Speaker of the House John Boehner, House Majority Leader Eric Cantor and Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell defend their refusal to tackle corporate welfare on the basis that it would go against the wishes of “the American people.”
“What a load of crap!” Leonna barked at reporters, waving her fists in the air in anger.
“Everybody I know wants—in fact, demands—that Congress reform the tax code by eliminating loopholes, cutting subsidies and increasing the corporate tax rate,” Leonna continued. “So when it comes to the supposed ‘American people,’ I don’t know who the bloody hell these GOP pigs are referring to because they sure as hell don’t represent anybody that I know.”
“Plus, nineteen polls conducted this year alone by various organizations such as the New York Times and NBC News all confirm that the majority of Americans support slicing corporate welfare!”
Others at the protest echoed Leonna’s concerns about taxes, while also making mention of additional issues such as the republicans’ stance on abortion, gay rights, environmentalism and the Dream Act, not to mention their outright hatred for foreign films, yoga, nude yoga, atheists, Muslims who wear turbans and the WNBA.
The protesters also admitted that they don’t necessarily represent every American.
“Obviously, we 50,000 or so protesters can’t speak for everybody in this great nation of ours,” said Rachel Jackson, Leonna’s unofficial spouse. “But I believe strongly in my heart that, at the very least, we are more representative of this nation than those few who follow the GOP, in that we’re composed of various races, ethnicities, religions and even species, while the GOP fans tend to fit within a slightly more narrow and limited spectrum of people.”
Many protesters were also concerned with what they feel is the GOP’s desire to subvert democracy to achieve what they want—which, they claim, is a non-secular, Christian nation whose citizens aren’t governed by laws acquired through debates of reason & logic, but rather via religious dogmatism, corporate manipulation and fear.
“This sounds a bit ridiculous, but it’s almost as if they want to turn America into some sort of ‘utopia’ dominated by shotgun-wielding militias and virgin zombies who bow without question to their greedy, private-jet-loving corporate overlords and put religious insanity and simpleton dialogue over science and intellectualism,” Leonna said, shaking her head in dismay. “That’s obviously an exaggeration, but just look at all the things they’re trying to do across the country: subvert women’s right to obtain an abortion, subvert homosexuals’ right to marry and fight for their country, subvert public workers’ right to unionize and even subvert dogs’ right to good, quality food!”
Speaking of dog food, the most vocal protester was no other than Leonna’s own dog, Fluffy, an extremely hungry and horny chihuahua who claims that the GOP’s refusal to curb Wall Street’s rampant speculation has caused prices for his favorite food, Nutro Natural Choice, to rise. This in turn has caused Leonna to switch to “stinkin’ Pedigree.”
“I’ve gone from feeling energetic and full of life to suffering from constant fatigue and diarrea!” Fluffy barked, wagging his tail at lightening-fast speed. “Other dogs say that that’s just life, but I blame the republicans, damnit!”
Realistically, though, the protesters are well aware that their efforts are in vain, as the GOP isn’t likely to change its stance just because of a few loudmouths. Regardless, they intend to continue protesting on the basis that it is better to fight and get nowhere than to not even try fighting at all.
Moral of the story: The GOP does not represent me OR MY DOG in the slightest way!
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That’s it. It certainly wasn’t my best work, but it wasn’t my worst either. I hope to continue writing satire. It’s a very difficult task and frankly, I’m not very good at it! Talent is the ability to come up with “Super Mario Boners” (good job, Sam!). What I do is more like some Amateur Night at the Apollo shit. I hate to admit it, but unless I get a dose of talent directly from God himself, I don’t think I’ll ever be famous, let alone successful. And yeah, I’m throwing a pity party!
PS #1. If Ron Paul wasn’t so got damn crazy, he would be a great candidate. He has great social views, but we need laws and government, dude! Need government to keep our water safe so we don’t get diarrhea! We need government to manage foreign relationships! We need government to handle sewage and waste! If I want a product or service, I’ll go to a corporation, but when it comes to education, healthcare and about every other damn thing on Earth, I trust my government. And if I’m a fool for that, so be it, but at least I’m a patriotic fool!
PS #2. There exists a summer/winter paradox. It’s too hot for my dog to run in the summer, so I jog while she walks speedily beside me. It’s too cold for me to run in the winter, so I bike while she runs ultra-fast beside me. She’s gaining weight right now and falling a bit apart, but the same thing will happen to me when winter comes around again. She loves winter because she can run ultra fast without getting overheated. Have no fear, lady, because your time shall return again!
PS #3. I hate my dog. She sheds so f**king much. You have no idea how much dog hair I accidentally eat! No matter how much I deshed and brush her, her hair still ends up everywhere—on my clothes, in my food and in my beverages. I’m not supposed to shave her breed (shepherd/husky), but I’m hella tempted right now. I’m just so fed up with all the hair. I’m a heterosexual guy… I don’t like hair! GRRR!
PS #4. Be sure to cast your vote for the Carolina Music Awards, which bestows honor on North Carolina’s finest hip-hop males & females, hip-hop groups, rock n roll males & females, rock n roll bands, r&b males and females, r&b groups, country males & females, country bands and more!
PS #5. “I’m On One” remix: “I Owe One.”
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