"Ain't no way in hell imma see my momma broke,
Ain't no way in hell imma see my team fall,
Only know one thing: go hard, stunt, then ball,
I ain't gone stop til my momma got it all.”
Anybody who thinks gangster rappers lack the depth to spit meaningful lyrics must not know!
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Evening. This has been a very confusing week as per a delusion I had Monday night courtesy of Denis Leary. That evening on the Daily Show, Leary ended his interview by making a comment along the lines of, “Yeah, Mr. Reader, why is it you read everything else but not my books?”
After having spent the weekend using drugs, listening to music and having sex with cutout pictures of models, my brain was so warped that it automatically assumed the reference to “Mr. Reader” was an inconspicuous shout-out to me.
Leary obviously wasn’t talking about me. When I finally realized that a few days ago, I was kind of disappointed. However, the whole ordeal did inspire some mediocre satire, so thank you anyway, Mr. Leary.
And oh—the one celebrity who did actually refer to me this week was Petey Pablo. Earlier tonight on K97.5’s 919 Radio show, Petey made a direct shout-out to all the “Facebook writers” out there. Again, I could be totally delusional and I probably am, but I’m willing to bet $100.00 that he was talking about me! (CMGEEEZY!)
See, that’s the difference between white celebrities and black celebrities. The latter show love and, more importantly, they don’t forget where they came from! Okay… that was racist. I’m sorry, but I’ve been drinking and the president is black, damnit! Got a brotha feeling kind of cocky, ya know?
And yes, I know that I’m not black. But you see, I don’t see color . . . except for when it’s advantageous for me to see color :-).
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Anyway. This week I’m lacking in divine inspiration, so all my satire will be kind of weak—especially in comparison to the brilliant piece I wrote last week. In fact, for the most part, everything you’re about to read kind of sucks. Sorry, but it’s hard to stay on point EVERY WEEK.
Crazy Conspiracist / Wannabe Comedian Seeks First Contact With Celebrity Comedians
Raleigh, NC—After three years of trying unsuccessfully to garner the attention of his favorite celebrity comedians so as to earn a golden ticket into the entertainment industry, 29-year-old amateur comedian and full-fledged conspiracist Victor Sanchez has come under the belief that there’s a conspiracy afoot to prevent him from acquiring fame and success. To counter said conspiracy, Victor plans on using high-tech, SETI-like equipment he purchased off the Internet to telepathically make first contact with his favorite celebrity comedians.
“What does it mean when a really funny, talented and just outright awesome amateur comedian isn’t able to get the attention of his favorite comedians, let alone make anybody, including his own mother, laugh?” Victor asked reporters while he leaned forward in his chair, tilted his head to the right and cocked his left eyebrow.
“It means that someone is so threatened by this comedian’s brilliance that they’re purposefully conspiring with the Zionist government to ensure that this comedian’s straight-up awesome jokes are totally not recognized or appreciated by anybody but himself and, of course, his spiritual guide, Sparky.”
Victor contends that this conspiracy to thwart his rise to comedic stardom is the reason why none of his favorite celebrity comedians have been receptive to his “straight-up awesome jokes.” To him, this is the only feasible explanation as to why his latest batch of comedic attempts was a complete failure.
“I created Facebook pages for all of Louis C.K’s farts: Bobby, Cindy, Peter, Jan, etc.; I dressed up as a horse and pretended to be Sarah Silverman’s long-lost brother, Mr. Ed; and I told the neighborhood kids that Dennis Leery’s family name was purposefully chosen by Jesus thousands of years ago to warn children that all the men in Leery’s family like to prey on children when they get drunk on potato vodka; thus, kids should be ‘leery’ of them.”
Despite these truly epic fails, and despite his parents, his therapist, and his one friend’s insistence that he give up his dream on the basis that his comedy stinks worse than a Hispanic baby’s diaper, Victor remains adamant that there’s something far more sinister going on. In fact, according to Victor, the “someone” leading the charge against his career is internationally famous Jewish comedian Jon Stewart.
It is Victor’s belief that “Jon the comedy-hoarding-Jew-bastard Stewart” is working with the government to prevent Victor from rising to fame, so as to ensure his own career isn’t put in jeopardy. That said, Victor believes he has finally found a way to circumvent their efforts.
“It’s all going to happen through this here high-tech ACME 500 helmet,” Victor told reporters while he pointed at his head, which was covered in what appeared to be a sheet of aluminum foil shaped like an oversized yamaka. “This sweet piece of technological pie will let me bypass Jon’s comedy suppression by beaming my best jokes directly into the minds of my favorite comedians!”
According to Victor, the tinfoil hat will pick up his thoughts and transmit them to his computer, after which they’ll be processed, forwarded to a DirecTV satellite dish sitting in his lawn, and then broadcast directly into the mind of whichever comedian he was thinking about at the time his thoughts were miraculously sucked out of his head by the aforementioned tinfoil hat.
“I hate to invade my favorite comedians’ minds like this, but Jon Stewart and his Zionist conspirators have left me little other option,” Victor said, shaking his head in dismay. “My Mother says I’m an unfunny little piece of shit, and my Mother says I should always eat my peas, but she’s just another victim of Jon Stewart’s evil and manipulative ways.”
In Related News: The Daily Show Replaces Host With Formerly Crazy Man
Moral of the story: You can’t stop me from shining, Jon the comedy-hoarding-Jew-bastard Stewart! :-)
Moral of the story #2: My comedy skills still need a shitload of refinement!
Gay Barbarian Savagely Ravages Pier 1 Imports Store For Not Having The “Friggen Pink Loveseat” He Wanted
San Francisco, CA—Late Thursday afternoon, around 5:30pm, a gay barbarian brute stormed into Pier 1 Imports at the corner of Stanyan St and Geary Boulevard, demanded to see the store manager and then flew into a violent rage after he was told that the store didn’t have the “friggen pink loveseat” he wanted.
“It was as if the uneducated and possibly Satan-worshipping gay barbarian was physically bonded to this pink loveseat he wanted—so much so the was overcome with personal despair upon realizing he couldn’t have it,” said Dr. Bruce Mozartman from the Hogwash School of Pseudoscientific Bitchcraft.
The gay barbarian was identified by police as Michael Bachmann, 55, an extremely flamboyant homosexual who was planning on being ushered into the June 23rd Gay Pride Parade on a pink loveseat.
“He grew so disparaged from his fruitless search that he had to act out violently,” Dr. Bruce remarked. “Sadly, that’s what happens when men willingly chose to dance funny, have a high-pitched voice and be gay.”
Moral of the story: LOL @ Marcus Bachmann's belief that gay people are barbarians.
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Aight. That’s it, folks. I wish I had something better to put out there this weekend because it’s a very special weekend. Lil Wayne and J Cole are in town. More importantly, Onika Nicki Minaj Tanya Maraj (damn she has a long name) personally liked one of my Facebook posts. And yeah… it was really her! And yeah, she’s really going to have my baby! And yeah, I’m going to claim it’s not mind because I am not paying child support to a woman who’s already rich!!! :-)
PS #1. I’m sorry for not putting on more for my city by, you know, citing more Carolina-based songs, but there haven’t been that many thus far that have really impressed me (I’m as picky with music as I am with the ladies!) And most of the ones I actually do like haven’t officially dropped yet, so I can’t really share them with everybody. Best believe, however, that 4te Da Giant will eventually show up on here! I put that on my Mama!
PS #2. The real Nicki Minaj knows who I am!
PS #3. I have been working nonstop since Thursday to complete the satire you just read. No matter how hard I tried, I just couldn’t come up with any good satirical punchlines. It happens, man. This is a difficult business!
PS #4. The real Nicki Minaj knows who I am!
PS #5. Ya’ll take care.
Final PS – Nicki Minaj KNOWS WHO I AM! So to all the women out there who pretend like I don’t exist… up yours, ladies, cuz the only REAL WOMAN in the house knows who I am! And that’s all I need to know to know that I’m a MAN!
So keep laughing, keep making jokes, keep being assholes. I do my shit with heart, and that's why I know I'm right. But ya'll haters out there. . . (I see you) . . . ya'll ain't got heart. And that's why ya'll will always lose (even when it seems like you're winning... like when you get to have sex with the hot girl and get a really sweet car with your lucky bitchass) and we'll always win!
BET THAT!
I'm up out this bitch.
pEaCe! :-)
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