Friday, the 15th | Sweetest Taboo (Sade)

It’s Feel Good Friday and frankly, I don’t have much on my mind. So this is going to be a pretty brief and absolutely meaningless blog post. Enjoy it or ignore it. Either way, have fun tonight! And in case you have to work on Fridays or Saturdays or both, I hope you have fun on your days off—whichever day or days they may be.

I Am Not A Victim

But unlike Lil Wayne, I am a human being…

I realize my blog post from last week made it appear as if I’m suffering from a victim complex. However, I was merely expressing the truth. So if you think I’m just some spoiled brat who needs kicked in the groin, go screw yourself! I’ve been dealing with autism, social anxiety, and God knows what else for almost 29 years. In that time I’ve found ways to handle it—particularly humor—but it’s still hard. Every encounter with another human being will always be a struggle.

Even spending time with my parents is difficult. When they visit it takes at least 24 hours for my anxieties to dissipate—after which my real personality begins to shine. Though I’ve known them all my life, I always cringe in fear when I first see them because I have to re-acclimate myself to their presence. But by the time the visit has passed and it’s time to part ways, I’m usually my perky albeit goofy self again.

It’s unfortunately a lot harder dealing with the general public. Sometimes when I appear in public—whether to get groceries, walk the dog, go running, or go to court—I overhear something that upsets me. I realize though that the feelings I experience are entirely my fault. That’s just life, and I expect no empathy or even sympathy. I do however demand respect—not just for me, but also for everybody who suffers from mental illness.

We might be slow and even annoying, but we are human beings! And most of us, or so I hope, are just as aware of all the other people suffering out there—whether from a physical ailment, poverty, or whatnot.

That being said, it’s my right to talk and sometimes even complain about my life, just as it’s the right of naysayers to demean me. I’m not a totalitarian fascist, but I sure as hell am an outspoken and tad bit obnoxious guy, and you know that’s right, baby!

Speaking of which, I should stop wasting time blogging, and redirect my energy toward writing a book about living with autism. I’m very unsure about that though for several reasons. For one, there are thousands of other idiots like me out there who’ve already written similar books. For another, self-publishing isn’t a viable option for a guy who can’t even sell crack to a fiending crackhead. Most importantly, I need a mentor. Without one, I’m likely to put together the worst book ever written… kind of like this broad did.



Now that’s a shame!

Where’s The Justification?

I’m starting to seriously question our wars over in the Middle East. This week it dawned on me that we’re sitting idly by as terrorists wreak havoc on countless regimes all across the world. Yet all we care about are Iraq and Afghanistan— two countries that, if I’m not mistaken, hold large quantities of oil and gas. It makes me wonder what the true movie for this war really is.

I love that we’re helping these people—though I’m well aware of all the innocent civilian causalities—but I worry nonetheless. If we’re genuinely serious about stomping out terrorism, then why, for instance, is Osama still alive? How hard is it to just fly into Pakistan and bomb his ass into pieces of thinly stripped hunan chicken? 4 real though…

It just doesn’t add up anymore. I still support the war, but I’m having moments of serious doubt. If you want to remove cockroaches from your home, you don’t just put traps in one or two rooms. You put traps in EVERY room. Yah know?

Anyway…

And yes, I know that I’m extremely fickle!

Facebook Irritates Me

I love Facebook, but I also hate it at times. It tends to attract a lot of annoying people. Don’t get me wrong. I’ll gladly accept anyone as a friend. I know former HS peers who are now humble firefighters and teachers; quirky hipsters who love intellectualizing about cheese, beer, and huge keyrings; eccentric wackos who believe in UFOs, ghosts, and shamans; and a shitload of black people (light-skinned, dark-skinned, and ‘black like a blind man’s vision’-skinned).

I like most of them, but there are one or two whom I genuinely despise. In particular, one such individual’s annoying habits (he’s a former highschool peer) finally forced me to delete and block him from my profile. It was a groundbreaking moment, as I’ve spent the majority of my life trying not to reject others—lest I hurt them like others have hurt me. But I finally blew my cool. And though it’s hard to say this, I’m finally willing to admit that there are just some people in this world who I quite frankly cannot stand. I’m sorry, but it’s the truth.

I know… I’m a dick. Sorry, but his personality just didn’t mix well with mine. Almost everything he said got under my skin. And never once did he catch on to my sense of humor. Suffice it to say, we didn’t click at all. I feel bad about it, but isn’t it my right to dislike somebody? Then why do I feel so guilty?

Anyway. I also cannot stand women who initiate a chat but barely say anything.

Here's how it usually goes:

Annoying woman: Hey

Me: Hi

Annoying Woman (10 minutes later): What's up?

Me: Nothing

What I really want to say: EXACTLY. WASUP! WHY ARE YOU BOTHERING ME!? WHAT DO YOU WANT?

It's like they chat me up expecting that I’ll entertain them. Yo Lady, I'm not like most guys. I'm not going to start flirting with you and commenting on your cyber panties just because you have a cyber cooter that, just to make clear, hasn't yet been certified as a real-life cooter—as it could be in fact a 40-year old dildo bazooka instead. So either make a serious attempt to communicate intelligently, or bugger off already because I’m not some cyber sex toy!

School Pride

A really great show called ‘School Pride’ just launched on NBC tonight. It features students, teachers, parents, and celebrities (the lazy-ass Kim Whitley In Da House, lol) working together to fix up worn-down schools. It’s a brilliant reality show undeserving of the criticism that it’s received by a few assholes out there. It’s a Feel Good Show for a Feel Good Day, and I Feel Good talking about it!

The hope is that this show will inspire similar communities across the country to band together and fix their neighborhoods and schools. You don’t need cameras and celebrities to do it. All you need is lots of effort and love. A couple thousand people joining forces for a common cause is a force you cannot deny!

And I know fixing a school is expensive, but just imagine if every concerned parent in a community put down $100. All that money combined with their labor is more than enough to bring real change to a community. I believe it!

And oh… it’s my sincere belief that EVERY SINGLE CHILD is entitled to a good school and good education. If you disagree, then you in my opinion are absolutely heartless.

By the way, just because I’m a liberal doesn’t mean I believe in ‘entitlement’ for everybody. For instance, I don’t believe that big people should be entitled to their own toilet…



Perhaps they should just lose weight, me thinks… ??

Insanity Can Be Fun

People who listen to Coast to Coast AM radio aren’t necessarily insane. Personally I tune in mainly for entertainment purposes. It makes me chuckle in glee when a psycho caller claims that Obama is the antichrist. It’s even funnier when a purported scientist speaks of a magical crystal skull named Bob that can grant wishes. If that isn’t entertainment, then by Golly I don’t know what entertainment is!

But I also tune in because sometimes they speak about subjects that I find interesting—such as the possibility of alien existence, or the future potential of cybernetic technology. As an open-minded and futuristic individual, I find such topics quite intriguing, though I don’t necessarily accept them point blank; I take EVERYTHING with a grain of salt. I’m not some nutty conspiracy theorist who believes in the Illuminati and all that other fictional crap.

I’m Not Gay, But I’m Really GAY

I’m not a homosexual, but I am extremely lame—so much so that that flaccid penises point at me and whisper, “He’s lame!”

I bring this up because some homosexuals take offense to the word gay being used to describe people like me (lol).

In particular, the Gay & Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation (GLAAD) forced the producers of ‘Dilemma’ to cut out a scene in which Vince Vaughn’s character says that electric cars are gay. I’m sorry, but this is just plain ridiculous.

Vince agrees. “Comedy and joking about our differences breaks tension and brings us together," he said in a statement. "Drawing dividing lines over what we can and cannot joke about does exactly that; it divides us. Most importantly, where does it stop?"

GLAAD immediately fired back, saying, “When 'gay' is used as a pejorative, it frequently sends a message -- particularly to youth and their bullies -- that being gay is wrong and something to laugh at."

First of all, thank you GLAAD for teaching me the word pejorative. I’ve heard it and looked it up a thousand times, but only now will it permanently stick in my brain. It’s like how I learned the word tenacious… from watching ‘Tenacious D’!!

Anyway. All the idiots who call me weird, stupid, and lame offend me. But I support their right to be douchebags. In fact it is every American’s right to be a douche, a jerk, an ass, or a whiny bitch (yours truly, motherfucker!). That’s what makes us such a great country. Freedom of speech can be annoying at times, but I’d rather live in a nation devoid of censors versus one where speech and expression are moderated.

So though I’m down with gay pride (RAH RAH RAH), I humbly must say to GLADD: “SUCK IT, YOU FAGS!” And when I say fag, I mean “an annoying person” or entity. I’m all for educating kids and trying to stop bullying, but this is not the way to do it. And before I go, I just want to say that ya’ll are GAY! And I don’t mean homosexual, though ironically enough, ya’ll are that too.

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Thanks for tuning in for this pathetic post. Like I said, I need to write a book. Sighs. Maybe one day.

PS #1 – I know the pictures are lame, but I like visuals.

PS #2 – I hate baseball. Seinfeld and American Dad were preempted for baseball at least 7 times in the past two weeks. Do me a favor and get your own channel, baseball fans ;-).

PS #3 – This week my dog and I got into such a huge tiff that I tried to sell her on Craigslist. A few people were interested, but I quickly changed my mind. Suffice it to say, I had a moment! It’s that time of the month—for the both of us! And there ain’t enough manpons and dogpons in this house to keep us from fighting. Lord knows, child!

PS #4 – I’m very happy for the Chiliean miners, but did ABC have to preempt ‘The Whole Truth’ for a 20/20 special? Every news agency on the planet was talking about them. I didn’t need a special!

PS #5 – I’m about to post a picture to end this post. I want to say beforehand that in no way, shape, or form am I trying to disparage black people or Taco Bell employees. It’s merely a joke. I myself have worked at Taco Bell, Burger King, McDonalds, etc. And I tell you, folks who work at these places are typically some of the hardest working people in this world! So kudos to them!

Anyway. So earlier I spoke about how we need to improve our communities and schools. Well, I was dead serious. Look… MLK had a dream, but this wasn’t it!



Lawd have mercy….

In the paraphrased words of Bill Cosby, this one is “not gonna be too bright.”

ENJOY!

Credit for all pictures goes to I-Am-Bored.com.

Friday, October 8th | Everything is Everything (Lauryn Hill)

Evening, folks. It’s Feel Good Friday! To be honest, this has been a painfully slow and bone-chilling week. One wonders how the hell the temperature drops from a low of 71 to a high of 69 in just one week! Thankfully it’ll at least be warm this weekend! Unfortunately it’s only a matter of time before I have to give up late-night running, lest I spend the rest of winter sniffling and rubbing my warm head. Despite all the supplements I take, my immune system isn’t and has never been very strong. Anyway.

So today the big topic on my mind is bullying. But I’m not interested in trying to procure a solution for it. There are millions of other people out there already trying to do that. Instead I’m going to reveal a few of my own experiences with bullying. As an autistic Asian male who “acts black,” I literally have a book’s worth of material I could share, so what you’re about to read is essentially an ultra-condensed version pertaining to a tiny few, but certainly not all, instances of bullying in my life.

Hopefully you enjoy it and maybe even learn something from it. If nothing else, it’ll serve as a great opportunity for me to practice my autobiography-writing skills!

The University of Torment

In my prepubescent years I was never teased or bullied because my peers felt sorry for me, though they felt no remorse about bullying the fat kid, the gay kid, or the nerdy kid. Suffice it to say, I was so retarded—and no, I’m not going to cover the precise details concerning my retarded behavior, as that itself could fill an entire book chapter—that I was the ‘special’ one. Mind you it helped that I was also exceptionally bright and known to produce straight-A work.

College however was an entirely different experience. The scars I acquired at the university level still throb with so much pain that I would never, under any circumstance, consider returning to college for further education. I’d rather risk barely surviving for the rest of my life as an amateur freelance writer than place myself in that environment. Instead of helping me find myself and perfect my skills, college only served to destroy my self-esteem, convince me that direct exposure to society is bad, and inspire my gradual descent into a maze of ‘purple haze.’

From the very beginning I was the oddball. It didn’t help that I was at the time discovering my ‘hiphop identity.’ Since I spent the majority of my prepubescent years wearing the outfits that my Mom purchased, my college years gave me an opportunity to develop my own style. Quite frankly, the Ambercrombie shirts, tanned shorts, and worn-out flipflops worn by all my Asian and Caucasian peers never really suited me. So I tried a myriad of different outfits and looks—doorags, bandanas, headbands, wristbands, extra-long shorts, G-Unit & Eminem apparel, etc. I’d look at myself in the mirror with pride, thinking, “I’m a pretty stylish guy.” But my peers felt quite differently.

Many remarked that I was trying to be black. An uppity black girl standing literally right behind me once exclaimed, “What a loser. He thinks he’s from the ghetto!” And then on another occasion, while merely strolling to my next class, an Ambercrombie-adorned Caucasian male murmured to his friend, “The weirdo thinks he’s cool.” By the way, that day I was wearing a clean and shiny Eminem outfit that I had spent over an hour ironing and creasing to perfection. And then one time while walking by a group of Indian males, I heard them start laughing and talking about the ‘shame of India.’ I admit what they said is kind of funny, but it certainly didn’t seem funny at the time.

My social skills were especially poor during this time in my life. It had only been five years since I had been diagnosed with A.S. and prescribed medication to pacify my anxieties—so that I could finally verbally communicate with my peers. Prior to diagnosis, I would just stare down at my desk throughout class and never once look up or speak, except to acknowledge the teacher of course. During the first ten years after diagnosis, my eyes would constantly dart from one person to another—and sadly, I still sometimes suffer from this inappropriate habit. While sitting in an English class, I once heard an Indian boy ask the Caucasian girl next to him, “Why does he look around at everybody?” She replied, “Because he’s an asshole.” That hurt.

It was also around this time that I began exploring my writing ability. Sometime in 2004 I logged into the University bulletin board and wrote a long spiel introducing myself. I was immediately taunted, teased, and insulted. And since back then I lacked the calm and collective nature I now possess, I immediately struck back at the bullies with my own vicious words. But they struck back even harder, and the cycle continued—with more and more people siding against me every single day. It felt like the whole world hated me. No matter how hard I tried, my every attempt to express myself was demonized.

The most painful experience occurred while on the bus riding through campus. There was a young physically and mentally handicapped girl onboard named Morgan. Throughout highschool and during my brief tenure at McDonalds, everybody had always teased her and treated her like pure shit because she was ‘annoying.’ I was literally one of the only ones who showed her respect and kindness. I would even walk her home from McDonalds. Upon sighting her on the bus that day, I switched to the seat behind her and began calling her name and tapping her shoulder—but she completely ignored me. Apparently, even she had turned against me.

I realize now that it’s partially my fault, as I should have responded more intelligently online. But on the other hand, I was a young autistic kid just trying to express himself. And after having been bullied for so long, I finally decided to strike back. And though my words were very harsh and destructive, you’d think at least one person would have seen through all the clouds of smoke—and recognized the pain I was experiencing. Sadly nobody saw it but me.

Unfortunately the ramifications of all that bullying still remain. I wear the simplest clothes to avoid being ridiculed. I’ve locked away all my flashy jewelry so I won’t get ridiculed. I purposefully avoid attending social events where I might be ridiculed. I never read the follow-ups to comments I post online because I’m afraid of being ridiculed. And I’m very suspicious of anyone who befriends me, lest I be ridiculed. Speaking of which, I’m having major doubts about attending the Rally to Restore Sanity because I don’t know whether it’s worth taking the risk of being ridiculed.

It’s funny because though I live in a free country, I sometimes feel anything but free. I suppose it’s all due to my own insecurities. Regardless, it’d be nice if I could go anywhere and do anything without constantly having to worry about being ridiculed or teased. Unfortunately, such a day will likely never arrive, which is exactly why I’d rather spend the rest of my days at home in solace and peace—where I’ve free to be exactly who I want to be!

Anyway. Again, please keep in mind what you just read was an ultra-condensed version of my past. There’s a whole lot more to it, but unless somebody ever pays me to write a book, it will remain forever locked away within me.

Speaking of bullying, wasup with all the Bieber hate!?



I appreciate a good joke, but perhaps the folks who put participated in this poll are taking the anti-Bieber movement just a tadddd bit too far! Personally I think Bieber is white because his parents are white…. but I could be wrong ;-).

”I am not a witch! I am you!”

You are not a witch, but you might be a dumb bitch. And you’re definitely not me. Speaking of which, this one is for you…. SQUIRT! j/k

Seriously though, I understand that Miss O'Donnell did and said some silly things in her past. Hell, I once took part in a séance while drunk and high off pills. The bottom line is that we’ve all made stupid mistakes. I do however as a liberal wish to apologize for constantly making her the butt of my jokes. It’s inappropriate and wrong, especially considering that it’s a form of bullying. Nevertheless, I want to assure everyone that my dislike for O'Donnell has nothing whatsoever to do with her past.

The one and only reason I’d never vote for O’Donnell is because I disagree with her views on abortion, equal rights, stem-cell research, taxes, energy, and healthcare. Personally I feel like she and her ilk represent a backwards, Bronze-Age thinking pattern that I refuse to accept. Just the other night I saw Glenn Beck speak about how he and crew are the shepherds here to tend ALL the flocks. All of them, you say? What about gays, American Muslims, the impoverished, and anybody else who's different from the status quo? Yeah, that's what I thought.

I Want to Be a Cyborg

The prospect of having electronic, mechanical, and robotic parts inserted into my body really excites me. Theoretically speaking, it would allow me to operate my body like a program.

Instead of having to get a haircut every month, I could insert a function that limits my hair growth to a certain constant, such as 1-inch. And instead of having to deal with useless and absolutely annoying nasal hairs, I could just completely switch off that function.

I could even regulate my sleep. Instead of having to turn over and over again throughout the night, not to mention be awakened every few hours, I could instead program my body to sleep for 8 hours straight. Maybe I could even setup a sensor to wake me up if it detects any unusual conditions like a change in temperature or a strange noise.

Some people complain though that such futuristic technology would be wrong because it would supposedly go against God and nature. No offense, but I think that’s ridiculous! On that basis, everything we take for granted is wrong—steam, electricity, pharmaceuticals, and even Cesarean births. In my opinion we cannot limit scientific exploration and growth just because it goes against the supposed ‘natural order’ of things.

Technically there really is no ‘natural order’—or at least not the one people perceive. The only thing natural is the basic patterns seen in subatomic behavior. Everything else is just a result of those transactions. Suffice it to say, I refuse to allow somebody’s religious beliefs to interfere with the progression of science. And that by the way is one of many reasons I’m a proud Liberal, though the following section may make many of you scratch your heads in bewilderment, lol.

I Got My Eye on You!

Many people are concerned that we’re slowly losing our civil liberties. They argue that allowing the government to monitor us will lead to a Big Brother state, but I think that’s preposterous. What they clearly forget is that we’re in a state of war. Quite frankly I don’t mind giving up some privacy for the sake of national security. The FBI is welcome to track my movements, listen in on my calls, and even watch me scrub my delectable ass in the shower. So long as they don’t make a fuss about me being an alcoholic pot-smoker, I don’t care because I have nothing to hide but the huge, nuclear rod radiating in my draws.

However, I hope the FBI has enough sense to only monitor real threats—such as the all the loony tune fanatics out there—versus innocent men and women who are merely different in some way or form.

Regardless, I refuse to join the Anti-Big-Brother Club. Things would have to get pretty bad for me to consider siding with them. I’m talking so bad that businesses and the government alike begin regulating genital hygiene.



Excuse me, but whether or not I choose to groom my paynis is none of your dayum business, Big Brother!

Order in the Court!

This week I was summoned to the Wake County Court to face charges of marijuana and paraphernalia possession. Since I’m a first-time NC offender, the judge—who I swear looks like Judge Ross with a mustache—merely assigned me court costs. Though I’m very grateful for the light sentence, I sure wish Governor Perdue would follow Governor Schwarzenegger’s lead and decriminalize marijuana possession. I don’t mind receiving a citation, but I do mind the prospect of being locked up for just smoking a harmless plant.

Anyway. Before I was called up to receive my sentence, I observed a young 16-year-old boy who smokes pot everyday be taken into custody for a minimum 10-day sentence. It was a sad site to behold, but it inspired me to write this letter to him and everyone else just like him.

Dear Stupid Ass,

Wasup, bruh bruh? So I heard you like to smoke the cheebah. Cool beans. I like to smoke the cheebah too. However, I’m a grown-ass man who works a full-time job, manages a rented home, takes care of a spoiled dog, and even wipes his own butt. You on the other hand are just a boy. And yes, I said it. If you don’t believe me, then ask your Father to name you a part of his body that’s bigger now than it was when he was 16!

Anyway, look man. I’m not going to tell you to not smoke weed or that it’s bad for you because hell, even I smoke it. But here’s the thing. You’re young and your mind is like a sponge. Do you know what happens when you abuse a sponge? Pieces of it slowly start breaking apart. And well, every time you smoke a blunt after school instead of doing your homework, a piece of your brain breaks off.

You know how they say old dogs can’t learn new tricks? It’s not that they can’t learn; it’s just that it’s a lot harder for them to learn. As you get older, your brain will also start to slow down—as will your capacity to quickly learn new concepts and ideas. Right now you’re at the peak of development. You have an opportunity to absorb so much knowledge, bruh. So why are you wasting time destroying your brain when you could instead be empowering it?

Check it out. I too used to smoke every single day. I started smoking the summer after 9th grade and continued doing it everyday for about three to four years. During that time my grades went from straight As to straight Fs, I was expelled from HS, I was reprimanded to a juvenile detention facility, and later on I even served a short sentence in an adult prison. All that happened to me because I chose to be a dope-smoking loser instead of doing what I was supposed to.

Bruh, do you want to be successful one day? Well, then I suggest you put down that blunt and redirect your energy toward studying your lessons. It’s been a bit over 10 years since I first picked up a joint, and I still haven’t caught up with my peers—many of whom now work professional jobs, own their own homes, and are even married. I’m one of the lucky ones though because at least I have 9+ years of education (not to mention a bit of college) on my side.

Like I said earlier, I’m not going to tell you to quit smoking weed. I think you should, but it’s your choice. But if nothing else, at least slow your roll, bruh bruh. Though I still smoke the ganja, I only do it on the weekends. Not only that, but I smoke only perhaps $10 worth of bud per month. It saves me money and, more importantly, it saves me mind and body. Every time I get drunk or smoke some bud, I’m picking apart a piece of my brain and body. That’s why I only do it in moderation.

Anyway. You can either get your act together and start focusing on the future, or you can head down the path I took. If you choose the latter, just do me a favor and never drop the soup. A scrawny little boy like you doesn’t stand much of a chance in the big boy’s tub. Got me?

So it’s your choice. Either you can be a somebody, or you can be a nobody… kind of like this Lady here.



Talk about really achieving something!

Wake County Voter Guide

Everybody should have received a 2010 Wake County Voter Guide in the mail this week. Please take the time to review it! Write down all the candidates’ names, and then conduct additional research through the Internet! Most importantly, make sure you get out there in November and VOTE!

Community Colleges versus Private Universities

This week Obama took a lot of heat for reaffirming his support for community colleges over private universities. I for one completely support his decision because I believe that a four-year education isn’t necessarily the optimal choice for everybody.

For one, I personally learned more while taking a class or two at my local community college than I did from the university I attended. Whereas the university focused more on imparting book knowledge, the college provided direct hands-on learning experiences. We were given a chance to take apart real computers, analyze how a real business-network functions, and speak with real network specialists.

Plus community colleges are obviously a whole lot cheaper. This makes them a great stepping-stone for students who want an education, but can’t yet afford a university’s ridiculous tuition. Perhaps they can obtain a two-year degree, work in the field for several years, and then pursue higher education at an accredited university.

In fact, I recommend that every student majoring in the arts, business, or computer technology consider acquiring some formal business experience before pursuing higher education. At the university level I had difficulty bridging the gap between what I was learning and the real world. I was overwhelmed with all sorts of strange concepts like requirements planning, data modeling, and database management systems—but quite frankly they made very little sense to me.

If I had first worked at a company that dealt with such concepts, I imagine that my ability to comprehend the topics would have been much better. Unfortunately my interest in computer technology gradually kept declining, until I gave up on it altogether. I wouldn’t mind pursuing a degree in Journalism—what with the fact that I have had 5+ years of freelance writing experience—but as I previously stated, I’d never do it. Not only would the experience probably be painful, but my chances of making it as a journalist—a career that requires tremendous social skills and the ability to build contacts—is non-existent. But I digress.

Anyway. Don’t get me wrong. A university is and will likely always remain the best option for a full-fledged education. Four or more years of education combined with internships are all that’s needed to excel in the real world. My point however is that some students can’t afford it, some students aren’t ready for it, and some students quite frankly just aren’t built for it (yours truly).

White People Music

I have a bad habit of categorizing music as either ‘white people’ or ‘black people’ music. It’s wrong and stupid, but I clearly still have a slew of unresolved mental issues that I need to handle. Regardless, I generally prefer ‘black people’ music—r&b, hiphop, funk, etc—because it puts me in a good mood. But I wasn’t always like this.

When I was younger I quite fancied artists like Weezer, Hootie and the Blowfish (I know he’s black, lol), and even R.E.M. But those days are in the past. Nowadays I hate this sort of ‘white people’ music because it makes me nostalgic for something I’ve never even had. It makes me think about what it’d be like to have attended the prom, to go skinny dipping with my girlfriend, to go camping with my friends, or even what it’d be like just to have warmhearted, quality friends to spend time with.

One thing about hiphop is that it never makes me sad. It pumps up my adrenaline, gets me shaking my derrière, and makes me happy. And that’s why I love it.

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Alrighty. Sorry for making this so long, but I had a lot of things to say. Let’s finish up with my usual dose of PS(s).

PS #1. Some jackass who appeared on the Stephen Colbert show argued this week that marijuana shouldn’t be legalized because kids would start using it. Look here chubbs… either they’re going to eat glue or smoke marijuana. My question to you is: Which, Sir, is more natural? Mmm hmmm… that’s what I thought!

PS #2. This week some jerkoff named ‘Avatar2’ argued that all American Muslims should have to apologize for the actions committed by terrorists. Here’s my response:

Since you like to judge many on the actions of a few, I hereby demand an apology from you for that guy with the 'I Love Avatar' shirt whom I saw take a pee in the corner of a garage earlier today. It stank in there and I BLAME YOU, Sir or Madam, as well as any other putrid, no-urine-ethics-having Avatar fan. I want my apology, AND I WANT IT NOW!

PS #3. Mr. Michael Baisden hosts a weekly event known as ‘Bra-less Thursday.’ Its purpose is to inspire women to take off their bras, as wearing a tight bra for an extended period of time can increase the risk of breast cancer. But in all fairness and with all due respect, since women are allowed to remove their bras, may I therefore remove my draws? I’m just saying… I’ve been squatting and my legs have been getting bigger, and well, let’s just say I'm feeling a bit claustrophobic in these tight draws!

PS #4. Some guy was arguing how science is crap and religion is the only truth. Sighs. I’m sorry to all the religious folks out there, but as an agnostic male, I MUST reply in kind:

Religion is based on a single antiquated book, whereas science is based on tens of thousands of experiments that have been performed over the centuries. Quite frankly I have more faith in String Theory than I will ever have in a longhaired white dude who is so righteous he doesn't smoke pot. Longhaired white dudes ALWAYS smoke pot!

PS #5. – The perversion in America is really starting to get out of hand!

Friday, October 1st | Wake Up, Everybody (John Legend, The Roots, Melanie Fiona)

It’s Feel Good Friday, baby! Before I begin, I want to quickly recap my week. First the water got turned off, then the electricity got turned off, and then my dog chewed through her collar (AGAIN) and broke free from her lead. Thankfully a batch of outstanding albeit tiny young men brought found her and brought her back home to me. Overall this has been a very difficult week. However, I’m one of those people who believe in turning every negative into a positive, which is why I’m still smiling and living in glee.

Some might say that my blissful nature is a sign that I’m an ignorant fool, but I disagree. I think that true ignorance relates more with anger, resentment, jealousy, and hatred. Those who are ignorant waste so much energy bickering over the most mundane matters that they miss out on the world around them. Those with wisdom—not to dare say I’m wise in any way, shape or form, though I am a wise-ass—tend to focus more of their energy on absorbing knowledge and trying to find some meaning to all this madness. And since they’re not ripping their hair out in frustration all the time, they’re more prone to having a humongous sense of humor.



Ugh. Ugly bastard. Anyway.

So to all those who blatantly called me a fool this week, I urge you to look yourself in the mirror. Instead of wasting your precious energy demonizing me for thoughtfully voicing my opinion, perhaps you should try doing what I do—reading, thinking, writing, and laughing. I don’t have any answers, but at least I’m aware of what’s happening around me. So stop looking at me with such a spiteful frown. Geez… it’s not that serious! And no, I don’t know what the hottest ‘kicks’ or the ‘flyest do’ on the street is, nor do I care. Sorry for my bluntness, but there’s more to life than material objects—including the Bible.

Speaking of which, I sincerely believe that true meaning cannot be found from just one book—especially one that’s thousands of years old. In my opinion it’s better to read many books, hear different viewpoints, and think critically. But alas, these traits seem to be disappearing nowadays. And this leads me to my first topic…

I Blindly Pledge Allegiance to My Religion

It seems as if many people are more concerned with worshipping some sort of idol—whether a person, an entity (God?), a material object, or an ideology—than they are in procuring knowledge, thinking critically, and reaching their own conclusions. In the case of religion, for instance, why do 10s of thousands of people still blindly follow Bishop Eddie Schlong, even though the facts present clearly demonstrate that he is nothing but a scumbag.

For one, he uses his congregation’s hard-earned tithes to fund his lavish lifestyle. If he wants to earn a million dollars by selling a self-help book on how to live righteously, then be my guest. But how dare he use the sanctity of God to line his coffers. Church is supposed to be a House of God, not a House of Business. In addition, the mounting evidence against the Bishop indicates that he is both a hypocrite and a liar who relishes in taking advantage of young men. What else do people need to wake up and let themselves free from this Matrix of Ignorance?

You know, just this week a survey conducted by the Pew Forum of Religion & Public Life led to the startling conclusion that atheists and agnostics know more about religion, on average, than the average religious follower. Atheists and agnostics, in my opinion, seem more interested in learning about different cultures and religions, whereas those who subscribe to a single faith seem more inclined to severely narrow their vision to only that which relates directly to their ideology.

My big concern with this is that many religious people are so caught up in blind allegiance that they refuse to think critically—almost as if they fear to do as such. Living a religious lifestyle can certainly be an enriching experience; there is no doubt in my mind about that. However, being so caught up in your faith that you blindly accept everything and refuse to question anything is not only foolish, it’s unintelligent and maybe perhaps even ignorant.

I sincerely respect religion and I tip my hat to all the hardworking albeit badly dressed missionaries who cycle around day all day spreading their faith. All I’m saying is that there’s nothing wrong with being skeptical and asking questions—not to mention exploring your thoughts. However, that’s just my opinion. But hey, I’m an Indian, so what do you expect ;) ?

”The power to question is the basis of all human progress.” - Indira Gandhi



Sorry, but she’s pretty darn ugly too! Wasup with that?

Bring Out the Biker Chicks!

I used to think that mainstream American society hates hiphop because they’re all secretly racist. This week I was proved wrong by a CNN post covering biker gangs. Throngs of people showed up and began insulting not only biker gangs, but also everyone who chooses to enjoy their free-time riding a chopper.

It really irritated me to see people generalize all bikers as ‘losers’ and murderers.’ I’m 100% certain that most bikers are hard-working Americans who manage a family and pay their taxes, but just happen to enjoy hooking up with their buds now and again to cruise the streets in style.

Did you know by the way that John Walsh—a man who, after his son was murdered by a serial killer, sacrificed a lucrative career in upscale-hotel management to run a non-profit organization dedicated to crime-law reform—is an avid biker? And did you know that a group of bikers known as the Patriot Guard Riders show up at soldiers' funerals to counter anti-gay protests by Fred Phelps?

Though I’m not a biker and will likely never be a biker—mind you I may one day be a junior moped biker—I have a lot of love and respect for bikers because they’re very similar to me. They have a passion (like I have a passion for writing and hiphop) and they’re unafraid to fulfill it. They have no qualms about dressing up, and rolling through town, and drawing attention, and I’m sure heckles as well.

So to all the warmhearted and righteous bikers out there (including you, Mr. Michael Badboy of Radio Baisden), I say do you homies and homettes.

Anyway. It’s time to BRING OUT THE BIKER CHICKS!



Excuse the language, but them some bad bitches! You could learn something from them, Miss Indira! ;-) (sense of humor, people!)

Take Me to Your Leader

The recent rise in UFOs leads me to believe that aliens may be preparing to land and introduce themselves. I used to think that these crafts were just secret military vessels, but recent news headlines and discussions on the topic (Coast to Coast) have inspired me to change my mind. Plus the UFO appearances are becoming more and more common.

However, you might wonder, “Why are aliens doing this?” My guess is that they’re trying to desensitize us to the idea that we’re not alone. The more commonplace UFO sightings become, the less shocked we’ll likely be in case we ever see one. I guess maybe one day we’ll become so desensitized to it that when they do land, we won’t start screaming and firing our games like a bunch of idiots.

Another question people ask is, “Why does a species that’s so technologically advanced care about us?” Well, a species that’s so intelligent is most likely also extremely altruistic. I imagine they’ve put aside all the petty emotions that plague us—greed, fear, jealousy, envy, hatred, etc.—and come together in harmony. Otherwise they in all likelihood would have never gotten this far, technologically speaking.

Regardless, I for one look forward to their landing. I however sincerely suggest that they don’t pick me as the first one to contact. After introducing them to Parliament Funkadelic and getting them stoned, I plan to stab them and then sell their bodies to the U.S. government for one million dollars, and you know that’s right ;-). Shouldn’t have ever landed in the hood, foo’!

Where’s My Get Out of Jail Free Card?

So this week an analyst showed up on the Colbert Report to discuss the 2008 and 2009 bailouts. Initially I asked, “Where’s my bailout?” Indeed, shouldn’t I at least be given a ‘Get Out of Jail Free’ card? Or how about a “You Don’t Have to Show Up Next Monday 9am At Court For Stupid-Ass Marijuana Possession Charges” card? (And yeah… next week is going to suck)

Well, listening to the gentleman speak inspired me to reshape my perspective. From what I’ve gathered, the banking and automotive industries function like pyramids. If the bottom tier foundation were to collapse, the whole pyramid would subsequently collapse—causing the industries to fail and millions of people to lose their jobs.

Looking at it from this perspective, I’m now a tad bit more sympathetic to the whole bailout fiasco. Mind you, these companies should have never let themselves fall to such a degraded state to begin with, but I suppose shit does happen. Nevertheless, I sincerely hope they’ve learned their lesson. I’m willing to accept the first few batches of bailouts, but the bank is now officially closed. Under no condition will I tolerate any more bailouts. We’re all allowed ONE mistake, and not anymore!

Gays in Iran and the Military

Sorry haters, but it’s too late. They’re already here!



HEYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY! (And no, I’m not gay, lol. But I love being complimented by a gay man. Tell me again how spectacular my ass is! Gon’ ‘head!)

Introducing the Heathens Party

I hate to admit this, but I’m starting to respect the Tea Party. I still disagree with them on practically everything, but they are gradually proving themselves to be a formidable competitor. They’ve taken the reigns of power from the Republicans and are on the path to perhaps one day becoming a legitimate political party. Kudus.

However, it got me thinking… what if we liberals did the same thing? Why don’t we start our own grass-roots movement and turn it into a political party? The question is, though, what should we name ourselves?

I have several ideas. Ponder over them and then take action!

The Beer Party? (Screw tea! Do I look Japanese?)

The 420 Party? (Despite common belief, Clinton did in fact inhale, but Monica didn’t exhale; she swallowed!)

The Heathens Party? (We do it without condoms, we binge drink, and we smoke pot. By Golly… we might just have found ourselves a winner!)

Wizards and Warriors

In fantasy fiction, there are two main types of characters: wizards and warriors. The warriors are strong and burly soldiers who use their physical strength to get what they need, whereas the wizards are frail and thin practitioners of knowledge who use their intellectual insight to procure what they need. In fantasy fiction there is no superior; just as the warrior can slice the wizard to death, so can the wizard fireball the warrior to death. Ergo they are equal.

Real life however is quite different. The most an intellectual ‘wizard’ can do is use some pepper spray and then run like hell. It’s unfortunate because people with physical prowess have a clear advantage over those who don’t! Think back, for instance, to my blog post last week about Maino. Were Jenks a burly man, I doubt Maino would have been so quick to physically attack him—though I could be wrong.

But it’s all ultimately irrelevant because the truth is that most people in real life aren’t either a meathead or super-nerd. Most folks fall somewhere in the middle. They’re somewhat strong and somewhat smart. However, we do still have an assortment of people who fit strictly on one side of the spectrum.

Take for instance Matt Burch from ‘Operation Repo.’ This guy is a straight-up meathead who hates ‘overeducated’ people. Though I find him incredibly entertaining, I think he’s a first-class jerk. He uses his big muscles to intimidate and provoke people—many of whom are already upset and confused.

But for every meathead, there’s some uptight elitist prick who looks down on people who aren’t that book smart. Have you ever commented on an article or blog, only to be refuted by a member of the grammar police? “How about learning how to spell correctly first, idiot!” Yeah… they’re jerks.

Unfortunately it still sucks more to be more of an intellectual ‘wizard’ than a strong ‘warrior’, though. As I said earlier, the most we can do when accosted by a strong ‘warrior’ is either try to rationalize, or run like hell! Speaking of which, I need to buy some pepper spray, because as outspoken as I am, I’m likely to one day run into somebody who wants to beat me up! And quite frankly, my face is already too jacked up as it is ;-)

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Well that’s it folks. I’m sorry to make this so short, but I haven’t had much time to piece this altogether. We just got our electricity back this morning. Anyway. I hope to be back next week with something better. Either that or I’m going to take a week off again! pEaCe and thanks for listening! I’m a bit down by the way due to all the circumstances of this week, so if you know any good freebie sites and know my address, feel free to send me some free shit, hahahah. J/K! Take care and stay blessed!

PS #1. I think people are also mad because I’m unafraid to mess with the police. They foolishly think the recent increase in police presence is due to me. I highly doubt the highly decorated and well-trained Raleigh police give a crap if I make a joke now and again. If their presence around our part of town is ultra high, it’s because they’re doing a good job. Remember.. the police are our friends. It’s the government assholes who argue against the legalization of marijuana who aren’t our friends!

One thing, though. Is it just me or are they getting a tad bit desperate?



Really?

PS #2. If you ever feel too stressed out, think about disconnecting from the world for a day. Just one measly night without electricity turned out to be an amazing experience. Mind you I would have started capping mofos if I had to go any longer than one night. Regardless, sitting around watching candles flicker gives one a great opportunity to just sit and think. Try it sometime!

PS #3. R.I.P. Colton Tooley. Sighs. Remember though that not all smart and quiet people are depressed. I'm semi-intelligent and super-duper quiet (save for the Internet), and I've had plenty of miserable days crying my eyes out. But I grew up from it and found strength within. The kid was young and just needed time to grow up some more. It's a very unfortunate situation because he's now going to miss out on so many joys that awaited him in life.

PS #4. R.I.P. Greg Giraldo. He was way too young… way too young. Greatest line ever: to Joan Rivers he said, “You are one irritating Jew broad.” And in his memory I say to Jon Stewart, “You are one irritating little Jew girl!” pEaCe be with you, man.

PS #5. According to the government, I’m “intellectually handicapped.” No offense, but FUCK YA’LL! Ain’t nothing handicapped about my intellect. I’m just straight-up retarded. It’s as simple as that! The only thing intellectual handicapped about me is my penis. No matter what I say, it refuses to keep growing! "What you mean by grow some more, boss?" Stupid prick!

Friday, September 24th | Hate on Me (Jill Scott)

Evening! I’m ultra bored and ultra thoughtful, so this may be ultra long. If you want to read it, go ahead. If not, it’s all good because I genuinely enjoyed writing it.

Anyway. This has been one strange week. I could have sworn the police were stalking me. Either that or a major bust is about to go down. All week long I saw Sheriffs, Detectives, Sergeants, and I think I even saw Lieutenant Dangle. He was hanging out with some guy outside Priscilla's sex-toy shop on Capital Boulevard. Hmm…. weird.

And then just yesterday, while I was being driven to the Doctor, some women in a really big van yelled out, “You ain’t as good as u think you are!” as her husband screamed, “Yeah, fa**ot mother***ker!” Uh, well, just to let you know, you ain’t as good LOOKIN as u think you are! (My dog yells, “Yeah, fatass mother***ker!”) Damn straight we said it, boo boo! Now what!? ;-) And yes, that really happened, though I pretended like I was deaf because I wasn’t about to get shot!

I don’t know what she’s talking about though because I know for a fact that I’m a heathen destined to spend eternity in hell, sitting alongside Christine O'donnell as old, lustful men masturbate over and over again (and you wonder why I’m afraid to get shot!). Hopefully she’ll be able to cast a spell to get us out of there, assuming of course Satan lets her keep her reagents.

Before I begin, I want to thank the angry Lady for inspiring the following blog. Her ever so poignant rant helped jumpstart my Uranus HD II Engine (digital camera reference). So for that, thank you, you crazy-ass psycho broad ;-) Sorry Ma, but how the heck you gon’ just go off on a brother like that?

Squash It

Two weeks ago MTV began airing a brand new reality show called ‘World of Jenks.’ It’s a documentary/reality show in which this young filmmaker, Andrew Jenks, spends each week with a different person. In the first very episode, which premiered on September 13th, Jenks spent a week with notorious rapper Maino.

For the first 30 minutes or so, Jenks watched in awe as Maino partied and performed nonstop like a rapstar. Then during one brief scene, Maino took Jenks along as he picked up his son from school—during which Maino spent more time signing autographs than he did with his own son. They then immediately returned to partying yet again.

Then later while hanging out in some sort of backstage lounge, Jenks bravely pointed out that though many people look up to Maino, all the man ever does is party. And truthfully, that’s a very fair and astute observation, or so I thought. Maino apparently disagreed, as he promptly caught an attitude. Not only did he refuse to answer the question, but he began to behave like a goon. First he choked Jenks, and then he bitch-slapped him. The basis for all this animosity was that this ‘punk cracker’ or whatnot had no comprehension of all that Maino had been through—particularly his 10-year stint in prison.

First of all, Mr. Maino, spending 10 years in the penitentiary for something YOU DID WRONG is not having it hard. Living with cancer or HIV… that’s hard! Being born with cerebral palsy… that’s hard! Taking care of severely autistic children… that’s hard! Having your legs blown off while fighting overseas… that’s hard! Acting like you’re some sort of untouchable Goliath on the premise that your past experiences make you immune to criticism isn’t hard… it’s just plain ignorant! (I said it, yes I mother***king did!)

This whole scene especially affected me because I’ve been in this sort of situation before—wherein I merely sought to discuss a situation rationally, but was physically attacked by a thug with a victim complex. The irony is that individuals like this rely on the argument that “you’re talking too much” and that “you don’t understand what you’re talking about.” So your solution is to become physical, Maino? If that’s all you’re capable of doing, then you, Sir, don’t understand a single damn thing your own self!

Don’t get me wrong. I enjoy Maino’s music, but I’ve lost a lot of respect for him as a person. Except for the case of self-defense, no man has the right to ever lay his hands on another man, woman, or child. It’s absolutely unacceptable and I will not tolerate it. If you want to be treated with respect, then you must treat others with respect. Maino was more than welcome to become ‘verbally defensive’, but he had no right whatsoever to physically attack Jenks.

This whole situation has me in a paradox of sorts. I absolutely adore rap music and the hiphop culture, but I fear that many of the rappers I like are just as bad as Maino. Though they have clearly risen up from poverty, many of them still retain the same contorted belief systems that helped them navigate the hood. The problem is that the same rules that apply to the streets have no merit in the real world. “Beating a trick” or “stomping a hater” might work in that world, but it has no place anywhere else—except of course the Mob.

So to all you hotheaded young-bucks out there who believe in combating criticism with violence, I sincerely urge you to rethink your belief systems. Why not just squash it? Or better yet, if you’re up to it, why not grab a breath of fresh air, return to the scene, sit down, and have a rational discussion? It may sound corny or ‘gay,’ but I promise you that utilizing violence to intimidate others won’t get you very far in life. If you’re not willing to change your ways, then I suggest you begin saving up a commissary fund because you’re likely going to end up in prison!

So if you can’t handle it, then just SQUASH IT…



Kind of like that dog is squashing that baby… yeah.

Give a Brother a Break!

Note: This post is for Obama supporters. If you hate Obama, then keep on! Otherwise, take a moment to holler at your boy.

Many people, including Jon Stewart, are unhappy with President Obama. They’re disappointed at Obama’s inability to bring forth the radical changes that they had anticipated he would. Personally, I am not one of these people. Though I was overcome with ecstasy when he won the presidency, I knew from the beginning that the process of change would be painstakingly slow. Meaningful legislation can take decades and sometimes even an entire lifetime to pass. This is because our government relies on a system of checks and balances, a fundamental part of our constitution that ensures no one person or branch of the government ever becomes too powerful.

You see, we the people control who’s elected into office. So if the majority of the country is leaning toward the left, we’re more likely to have a liberal government—and vice versa. However, a majority in the executive, judicial, and legislative branches doesn’t necessarily mean change will be easy and swift. For every bill, there’s a potential appeal. And even if a bill does pass, it could easily be undone. Suffice it to say, the whole process of enacting legislation is a straight-up pain in the ass. But it’s like this for a season.

As an example, take for instance the case of a man who is sentenced to Death Row. You’d expect him to be lugged directly to the electric chamber, yes? Well, that’s not how it works. It can take over a decade for an inmate to finally be executed, as he is in his every right to appeal the ruling and ask for a retrial. The entire process is slow and tedious, but fundamental—lest an innocent man be executed.

In the same way, it’s imperative that our various branches of government ‘check’ and ‘balance’ each another. This prevents one single ideology from taking over. Yes, I’d love to see a single-payer healthcare system, but there are numerous people in this country who disagree. And though it’s annoying (like you wouldn’t believe), it’s nonetheless absolutely mandatory that their voices be represented as well. This means that achieving true healthcare could take decades longer to achieve, but when we do finally achieve it, it’s more likely that we’ll all be in unison.

It’s kind of like the whole marijuana debate. Every 10 years or so, we get just a tad bit closer to fully legalizing it. Each year more and more people and jumping on the bandwagon. Hopefully, the same thing will happen with healthcare!

Anyway. Another complaint about Obama is his purportedly poor dialogue. Admittedly, I wouldn’t mind seeing him being more direct and militant, but I support his choice to do otherwise. Perhaps I’m wrong, but it seems wiser to be diplomatic rather than a rude ass—especially in politics. Heck, I’m just a bored loner who likes to blog on craigslist, yet even I must follow the rules of diplomacy. Though Republicans irritate me to no end at times, I can’t just come out and say, “F*** you corn-husking, trailer-park flunkies!” If I were to do that, I would be flagged quicker than beer turns to piss. By the same token, Obama must carefully watch what he says and how he says it, lest he alienate the very people he’s sworn to represent.

You know, though it’s good to have the balls to be ‘real’ and upfront, it’s also important to be tactful. The difficulty is in choosing one’s battles. I appreciate Obama calling Ahmadinejad out for being hateful, but I do kind of wish he would put forth just as much zeal into other issues like healthcare, gay rights, and immigration. But hey, it’s hard as hell to be assertive with one’s stance without offending others. And it’s for that very reason that I’m glad beyond belief that I’m not President!

The Modern Grease

I take it that the older generations aren’t too fond of hiphop. They likely scratch their heads in confusion as they witness us yunglings flashing our jewelry, riding around in ‘pimped-out’ rides, and smacking the butts of hot, bootylicious broads. So today I want to put the hiphop culture into perspective for them.

Do you remember Grease? First of all, I admit that I’ve never seen it. However, since it’s so representative of 20th-century culture, I absolutely intend to watch it sometime in the future. Keep in mind though that movies like ‘Coolie High’ and ‘Cornbread, Earl, and Me’ are also just as relevant to this period of American history.

Anyway. Though I haven’t seen Grease, I did a little research on it and discovered some interesting sub-themes such as style & swagger, pretty girls, nice cars, fancy clothes, and even wild & funky dancing. And well, these themes seem to bear a striking resemble to modern hiphop culture. We love to wear cool brand name outfits, ride around town in cars with Lamborghini doors and spinning rims, race our friends on empty city streets, and dance our butts off!

Don’t get me wrong. I completely understand why they don’t care for hiphop. I’m only 28, yet I oftentimes find myself shaking my head at these 15-year-old kids dancing to the ‘Stanky Leg.’ Excuse me, but if you have a stanky leg, then perhaps you should take a bath! :-) JUST KIDDING! But seriously, music tends to be generational. Each generation passes on a bevy of really spectacular songs that blow everyone away—but each generation also has its fair share of cultural behaviorisms and what could be perceived as ‘mediocre’ music that eventually disappears like a fad.

My point is that though our sense of style and swagger has certainly changed, we’re really not all that different. It may seem otherwise if you read the news everyday, but I believe that’s merely because 24/7 media coverage didn’t exist 30 years ago. Nowadays any small little headline—gang-banger shoots other gang-banger—becomes a headline in less than an hour. Don’t let that fool you, though. We’re not all a bunch of stupid rugrats who refuse to work and are obsessed with stardom. A lot of us are just young kids who happen to have a passion for hiphop music and culture. And yes, we’re older than you guys were, but hey…. 30s are the new 20s, baby!

There is one thing I must say, though. When it comes to hot girls and fly cars, we soooooooo got you suckers beat, biatch!

This is ya’ll:



This is us:



Yeahhhhh, baby!

I will admit though that our girls are a just a tad bit chunkier than ya’lls were, but obesity is a problem affecting the entire country, so don’t judge!

Ahmadinejad is a Ding Dong

Sighs. Ahmadingdong *cough tag* I mean Ahmadinejad *end cough tag* really irritates me. The man is clearly not stupid, but he certainly acts otherwise.

First of all, he’s upset that Obama never replied to some letter he wrote. His belief is that Obama should have at least said hello. To be honest, I kind of understand his sentiment because I personally cannot stand waving or saying hello to somebody on the sidewalk, only to be totally ignored. HOW RUDE! However, I’d rather be rejected than have the individual in question burst into a tirade about how I supposedly stepped on and broke their toe. Dude… you have on steel-toed boots!

My point is that until Ahmadinejad stops making false allegations—the Holocaust never occurred, 9/11 was an inside job, President Obama ran a train on his mother—neither I nor anyone else on this bloody planet will take his stupid-ass seriously. And on a side note, I would greatly appreciate it if he’d shave that beard because I frankly do not appreciate him stealing Jon Stewart’s look!

The sad thing is that he has some good ideas. He wrote a long letter several years ago that I quite fancied. He wrote about how it disturbed him that most of the Earth’s resources are allocated only to a few select countries. I kind of understood what he was saying. The problem is that he has no tact whatsoever—and this is coming from the most tactless bastard on Earth. Speaking of which, I need to go take a shit.

--- Jeopardy Music ---

--- Flush ---

--- Jeopardy Music ---

Sorry about that. Oh wait, I forgot to wash my hands! BRB!

--- Jeopardy Music ---

--- Water Running ---

--- Jeopardy Music ---

Okay. So where was I?

Mixing and Matching

I support the Dream Act and I believe that the ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’ policy should be revoked, but I don’t understand why these issues have been mixed in with the defense reauthorization bill. Isn’t it possible for them to simply vote on each individual issue separately? Throwing together 30-billion unrelated amendments makes zero sense whatsoever. It’s like trying to get one’s penis enlarged, only to be told that such surgery also requires that one’s balls be chopped off and a tube be permanently inserted into one’s rectum

Excuse me, but can ya’ll just make a brotha’s dick bigger!? I'm tired of being made fun of...



November Elections

So how many of you folks are ready for the November elections? I know I’m certainly not even close to being prepared. Unlike past years in which I just voted for Democrats, this year I intend to properly research every candidate. I refuse to be a victim to ideology, which is why I urge you to begin studying your local candidates to determine which individuals best represent your interests.

Look, this isn’t a black and white world. And neither is it a Democrat versus Republican world. It’s a complicated world full of complicated issues. So if you go in and just vote one side without first doing your research, you are doing your country and this world a major disservice!

Take Our Jobs

This week Stephen Colbert addressed congress on behalf of illegal farmworkers. From what I can tell, he believes that Americans aren’t interested in doing the type of work these men are ‘hired’ to complete. And he’s right. We’re not willing too… but that’s because we won’t work for any less than the federally mandated minimum wage. Plus if we put in 40+ works a week, we expect to be compensated with benefits and overtime.

So I understand that these farmworkers are completing tasks the rest of us would rather not do, but that’s only because they’re doing it illegally—and under illegal provisions. I honestly wouldn’t mind offering them a chance to become legal citizens, but once again I must ask, what would stop others from doing the same thing? Couldn’t billions of ‘farmworkers’ come pouring through our borders afterward for a chance to do work and become legal? I hate to say this phrase that my Mom and Dad utter on a daily basis, but “there is a limit to everything.”

Sighs.

Anyway. I do however support the DREAM Act because as I’ve previously stated, I don’t want to punish the children of illegal immigrants. So long as they pay their own way through college (assuming they don’t go for the military option), it’s all good with me!

God Bless my Bubble-Butt Ass

I still don’t understand the concern over gays in the military. Personally I would rather fight alongside a gay man who found me attractive, because at least I know he’d do everything in his power to keep my sweet, fine ass safe from harm’s way!

Plus it’s not like giving gay people rights will make all our future children gay. Believe it or not, but offering them the same civil liberties we have isn’t going to turn our children any gayer than they already are…



I’m not a homophobe or anything, but my future children are sooooo not ever playing the piano!

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Well, that’s it for today. The following are brief PS(s) that didn’t really deserve their own section. Enjoy!

PS #1. I would rather a woman say “You’re genuinely funny” to me, than a woman say, “I want to fuck you.” Don’t get me wrong. I’d love to fuck, but with fucking comes many pressures. Will I perform well? Is it big enough? Will she disturbed by all the moles on it? It's just so stressful! That's why I'd rather first build a relationship and then fuck 2 weeks later (hahah). I need time to get to know a woman and learn to be comfortable around her.

PS #2. This week Baisden asked, “Finish the sentence…. You know a man is gay when”

You know a man is gay when the bathroom smells like peaches after he took a dump—and no, he didn’t use air freshner!

You know a man is gay when the song 'Doing da Butt' comes on and he starts popping his booty like a woman.

You know a man is gay when he don't just trim the hedges.... he dyes them purple!

PS #3. It’s a good thing the original ‘Law n Order’ ended because it stood no chance against ‘The Whole Truth.” This show blew me the f*** away! It is GROUNDBREAKING! We’ve seen a show tackle the DA and we’ve seen a show tackle the Defense. But we’ve NEVER seen a show tackle both! Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant. By the way, I too would have voted guilty! If it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s either a duck or a mentally retarded and disfigured dog.

PS #4. Did any of you catch ‘Outlaw’ tonight? You Republicans would have really liked it. Ol’ boy decided to defend a white cop who was being charged with shooting a citizen whom he thought was illegal. The reason he shot the punk was because the guy threatened the cop’s life. Everybody else jumped on the racial-profiling background, whereas ol’ boy decided to go for the TRUTH.

And yes, I did bitch earlier this week about racial profiling. But it was Monday, a day during which I am the biggest heterosexual bitch on Earth! On Mondays I’m like Perez Hilton, except with a virgin ass! Anyway. Racial profiling does occur, but in this instance, the cop was just doing his job. He saw a guy hanging out in the middle of the street at 10am, and two miles from the border. What would you do? And how would you react if the guy threatened you?

The beauty of this episode is that the defense attorney chose, against the advice of his counsel, to put together a mainly Hispanic/Latino jury. And amazingly enough, they acquitted the officer. If a jury of white men had acquitted, it wouldn’t have really meant anything. But that these Hispanics and Latinos saw through the black/white façade and really understood the issue goes far to prove a point—though it was all fiction.

PS #5. I LOVE BILL MAHER! If you don't like him, then in the quoted out of context words of Jon Stewart, "SUCKKKKK IT!"

Friday, September 17th | Chimes of Freedom (Bob Dylan)

Let me just start off by saying that I don’t really listen to Bob Dylan because his music doesn’t really do all that much for me. As Dave Chappelle once revealed, black men like me like the drums. And a song without drums just ain’t a song to us!

Nonetheless, this week I was inspired to learn more about Mr. Dylan after hearing Sean Wilentz, author of Bob Dylan in America, speak on the Colbert Report about him. But while performing a google search, I was shocked to discover that Bob Dylan is white, as I had always thought he was a brotha!

To confirm my discovery, I logged into facebook and wrote, “Yo… Bob Dylan ain’t black?” And boy, oh boy, did my white friends really give it to me! So to make it up to them, and to give honor to this great and very talented white man, today I present to you one of Mr. Dylan’s most coveted songs. I hope you like it.

And oh, this one time and one time only, I humbly mumble in the middle of a road full of lots of really loud motorcycles, “White power.” ;-)



What did you think I meant? Get your minds out the gutter! Hey… my teeth may look like shit, but yours don’t have to!

Anyway.

It’s Feel Good Friday and the official beginning of the fall season. America’s Got Talent, Top Chef, and MasterChef are sadly over, but a slew of other projects are either starting or returning, including House, Hell’s Kitchen, Outlaw (the blonde chick is like a gift from heaven!), Celebrity Rehab (featuring Keyshia Cole's mother, Frankie), Community, the Office, 30 Rock, Outsourced (if this show was at all inspired by the blog that I wrote back in January, then I want my got dang commission check), etc. Regardless, it’s time to pull out the winter clothing because the seasons are changing—and they’re changing fast!

So today I’m going to take various comments I made this week on the net, and piece them together into various blog sections. I’m not too passionate about anything at the moment, so this isn’t a post meant to be taken all that seriously. If anything, this is just me (Microsoft Word thinks I should replace me with I…. friggen computers) intellectualizing for the purpose of keeping my brain from getting any duller than it already has become.

Chimes of Freedom

This week Jon Stewart sort of argued with Tony Blair about our war on terror. From what I could tell, he was trying to equate our efforts to stamp out all terrorists with a homeowner’s futile attempt to permanently rid his home of cockroaches. No matter how many ‘bombs’ the homeowner places, at least one sneaky roach will always remain.

I humbly disagree with Jon’s conclusion, assuming of course that my interpretation of Jon’s example is correct. From what I can tell, Jon believes in the ‘Prime Directive,’ a fictional Star Trek concept that when applied to real life translates to: “There shall be no interference with the development of said nation.” Basically we should just mind our own beeswax. There’s a big problem with this stance, though.

Look at it this way. Suppose you live in a quaint uptown apartment when suddenly a lazy, messy bastard moves into the apartment adjacent to yours. His inability to maintain a clean home is entirely his own concern, you say. However, his refusal to clean soon leads to a colony of cockroaches forming in his apartment. Less than a week later the colony begins to leak over into your own apartment.

Granted, you’ve always had to squash a roach now and again. But suddenly the situation has grown so drastic that you must lay ‘bombs’ everywhere. Plus you can’t even invite your girlfriend over, lest she stumble on a band of roaches and freak out. So what are you to do?

You can keep living in a state of perpetual fear and enhanced security measures—or you can go straight to the root of the problem. This entails forcing the said homeowner to have his home exterminated, whether by complaining to the landlord, or just punching him in his face. And yes, a few cockroaches will still remain in the building even after you’ve taken action. However, a few are much better than a lot. Suffice it to say, there's a big difference between letting a few roaches run free, versus allowing an entire colony to thrive.

I believe the same principle applies to the way in which we are handling the fanatics that litter the Middle East. Though we entered this war on false pretenses, I’m nonetheless glad we did—and for that, I thank you former President Bush. And tomorrow Afghanistan will hold its second parliamentary elections since the Taliban lost power. They still have a long way to go before they become a true democracy, but hey… none of it would be happening if it weren’t for our ‘interference.’ Plus just think of how much better life will be for all the future great-great-great-grand-children of current-day Iraqis and Afghanis. If all works out according to plan, they’ll have available all the opportunities that we blatantly take for granted.

I know though these wars are costing us a lot of money—much of which has sadly been wasted on private contracts—not to mention the lives of so many outstanding young men and women. However, I’m one of those people who believe war is a necessary evil. Keep in mind that in no way, shape, or form do I equate our war on terror with a war on Islam or women who cover themselves up. In fact, the latter relates only to my own personal war against women in general. To all women who cover their faces, wear long skirts, or refuse to show their cleavage, I steadfastly proclaim, “Take off your clothes, damnit!”

Seriously though, maybe I’m just a naïve dumbass, but I sincerely believe that our efforts in the Middle East aren’t in vain—though admittedly it may take decades before true stability is achieved. Regardless, I dream of the day terrorists put down their arms because they finally realize that they need not die to get 72 virgins. They need merely stroll down the street of Democracy until they reach Grabbir Boubi’s House of Whores.

God Bless democracy!

And oh… I know I went against the sacred words of Jon Stewart (*chants like an American Indian: huma hama dama obama*), but I am NOT THE WHITE MAN’S BITCH!

I am the Great Cornholio!

I’m a very religion-friendly agnostic, but I’m getting exceedingly fed up with all the religious bickering.

I sincerely feel like purchasing one copy each of all of humanity’s most sacred texts—the Bible, the Qu’ran, the Koran (is there a difference?), the Bagvadhgita, 'How to Date a White Woman: A Practical Guide for Asian Men,’ and the Torah—and then cutting out all the pages and taping them together into the longest and most holy toilet paper ever friggen manufactured.

Charmin’ wit lotion?

Buck that…

I AM THE GREAT CORNHOLIO! I need holy TP for my Holy Bunghole!



Umma Do Me… You Do You

People complain about celebrities who use some of their free time to take on political or humanitarian causes. They say that being an actor doesn’t give them the right to get into politics or whatnot.

Get the hell out of here! This is the United States of America. Everyone is entitled to do as much as they can handle! If a woman wants to bake a cake (be a Mom in the morning), run the town (be a mayor during the day), AND drop it like its hot (be a stripper at night), then gon’ with it, girlfriend! Mind you she likely won’t get elected, but it sure as hell is her right to at least try! And you know that’s right!

The Truth is Out There

So a few weeks ago I stumbled on ‘Through the Wormhole with Morgan Freeman’ on the Science Channel. And then earlier this week, while walking my dog, I played around with my awesome radio’s DIGITAL dial and stumbled upon ‘Coast to Coast AM’ radio. The former is a hip science documentary, whereas the latter is an over-the-air forum for paranormal activity, conspiracy theories, and scientific theorizing.

Anyway. Watching both shows has inspired me to write a brief spiel on the prospect of extraterrestrial intelligence. I’m pretty positive that alien life exists, but I don’t think we’ll necessary be able to recognize it. Let me explain.

You see, way back in elementary school, my teacher asked us to draw an alien and then write a paragraph describing what it’s like, what it eats, how it communicates, what it breaths, how it lives, etc. I was immediately dismayed, because it occurred to me (even at such a young age) that an alien won’t necessarily have to eat or breath. So I drew a phantom-like ghost figure that derives energy from the sun, communicates telepathically, and travels to different planets to absorb resources.

The point of providing that horribly articulated flashback was to note that just because life on Earth is based on carbon doesn’t mean that an alien life form must function in the same way. Of all we know, aliens could have formed from what to us is a poisonous substance. Or they could just be gas-like entities that wander the universe. There really is no restriction on how an otherworldly entity might operate. Hell, there could even be aliens that are never born and never die—but that just merely exist.

So it’s important to keep a very open mind when searching for extraterrestrial life. There may be limits to life on Earth, but there is NO LIMIT (“Make 'Em Say Uhhh”) to life in space!

Doggy Food Stamps

Several people have suggested that I seek food stamps. Though I’m eligible for them, I honestly don’t feel right about it. I have nothing against the food-stamp program, nor do I hold any animosity or judgment toward those who do seek food stamps. But if I were to do it, I wouldn’t be able to look myself in the mirror.

Yes, my finances are ultra tight these days. But that’s only because I choose to allocate some of my income toward luxuries like beer, cigarettes, digital cable, and protein shakes. So though it’d be nice to have an extra $150.00 a month to spend on grub, I honestly don’t feel I deserve it. I’d rather the money go toward someone who really needs it. Perhaps they just lost their job, or maybe they’re having difficulty raising all their children. Regardless, I believe that money could be better spent helping someone else.

However, if the government were to begin giving out doggy food stamps, I would gladly apply for them! My dog is always sniffing all over the place for more chow—though she already gets 3-1/2 rations per day. Yes, it’d be nice to gorge on some scrumptious delicacies, but I believe in eating healthy and staying fit—except for the weekends, of course. Nevertheless, if Queen Sheba wants to get fat, she better do it on either her own dime or the government’s dime! Either that or she can go and get a job cuz I ain’t paying for it, dayumnit!



Yeah…. don’t ever believe trainers when they say a dog can’t work. Friggen dog-huggers!

Obama Supporters just want a Handout?

People say all Obama supporters are good-for-nothing tricksters who just want to live off free Obama money. Uh… I work 50 hours a week, so there’s no free Obama money for me! Yet I still support Obama all the way because I sincerely believe in what he’s trying to accomplish. This ridiculous assumption that all Obama supporters are lazy people looking for a handout is absurd. Fuck a handout. I just want a handjob!

Viva la Independencia!

So this week Mexican celebrated its 200th year of independence. Some people are complaining, though. They’re mad that the Mexicans are ‘wasting money’ celebrating when they should instead be trying to fix their government. I understand their sentiment, but everybody needs a reminder of the good things in life now and again. So though Mexico is embroiled in a horrific drug war, it doesn’t hurt for them to take just a brief moment to reflect on their history and heritage.

I feel the same way about the homeless. People complain when they see a homeless person smoking a cigarette or having a beer. I agree that it’s absolutely foolish for the homeless to spend all their money on frivolous activities. However, I don’t blame a bum for grabbing a pack of cigarettes or a beer now and again. Almost everybody has some sort of vice that they use to relieve stress or just feel good. Why can’t the homeless?

And believe me when I say I’m all too aware of homeless people who abuse their money. I used to live with a guy who lived off government money, and then panhandled for beer/alcohol/weed money. But don’t let a few bad apples give you a false impression. I’d like to think most homeless people aren’t as twisted as him. But alas… maybe I’m just fooling myself!

You’re Grounded!

Taking care of a dog is kind of like taking care of a very stupid child. Mind you it’s obviously not nearly as complicated, but there are some similarities.

For one, I’m constantly concerned about losing my dog. Anytime I tie her up in public as I go indoors to a store or whatnot, I worry about someone undoing her leash and leading her away.

Plus my entire day inevitably revolves around her. I have to feed her, fill her water bowl, take her out to pee/poop, walk her, jog her, play fetch with her, etc. It’s a lot of work, but it’s worth it—though sometimes I feel like ripping my hair out. It’s also a great lesson in responsibility. I imagine that when I finally have children, I’ll be better prepared for what’s to come.

Then of course there’s the trouble with raising her correctly. She still refuses to properly walk on a leash. And when I tell her to sit, she takes 5 to 10 seconds to do it. But if I have a treat in me hand, she doesn’t just sit… she lies on the floor and rolls over with her slick ass! It’s like yo… I didn’t tell you to roll over; I told you to sit! OOOOOH she’s just so bloody cheeky!

You know, I’m tempted to buy a shock collar, but I already know that won’t work. The only real way to train a dog is via positive enforcement, but I cannot stand bribing a dog, only to have it continue its inappropriate behavior. Aw helllll NAW… that makes me madder than anything else on Earth!

And don’t even get me started on her irresponsible nature. Recently I started taking her out on an early-early-morning unleashed walk. For the first few days she’d stop for a bit, and then scamper to catch up with me once I was 2 to 3 blocks ahead. But now it’s getting to the point where I’ll be 5 blocks ahead, only to look back and see her nowhere. I have to scurry back, find her, and then coax her to continue the journey.

It’s like letting a 16-year-old who just got his license drive your car on Friday nights. For the first few weeks he arrives home precisely at the 11:00pm curfew. Then suddenly he’s 15 minutes late. A week late and it turns to 30 minutes. Two months later and he stumbles in at 5am—drunk, high, and reeking of vaginal fluids. Well by Golly I ain’t letting my pup turn into Dennis the Menace! And if that means revoking her no-leash privileges, so be it. I’m going to give her one last chance, but this is it!

“You fish-eyed heathen!” (Aunt Esther)

This week the Pope compared atheists to Nazis. Now I’m not an atheist (though close enough), but still…

If an atheist is a Nazi, then what the flying creampie is a child-abusing Catholic priest? I’m not trying to attack Catholics, but come on now…



Greatest Quote Ever

"Maybe the nice thing about being a comedian is never having a full belief in yourself to know the answer. So you can say all this stuff, but underneath, you’re going, ‘But of course, I’m fucking idiotic.’ It’s why we don’t lead a lot of marches.” – Jon Stewart


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That’s all folks! I’m so glad I had something even remotely insightful to say this week. Hopefully it’ll continue again for a while, until I hit that point of ‘statistical regression’ or whatever.

PS #1. This week Michael Baisden spoke about pimps in the pulpit. SMDH. Lawd please never allow them to add a ‘church’ section to craigslist. I can just imagine it now:

"$20 get you 2 HOLY towels!" Don't just bless your life. Bless yo forehead too!

PS #2. PrimeTime did a hidden-camera investigation concerning women who breastfeed in public. Apparently they support the whole breastfeeding thing. Well, I have what I feel is a fair and legitimate question. If a woman can breastfeed her baby in public, then may I spermfeed my baby-mama in public?

Huh? What’s that? I’m sorry… I had my headphones on… would you repeat your answer! (I’m just playing around because “I’m fucking idiotic.”)

PS #3. I just did a Word spelling/grammar check. My Flesh-Kincaid Grade Level is 7.4... which means I write like a friggen 7th grader. Hurumph!

PS #4. SMH @ the crazy broad with the fake acid wounds. I know this is wrong, but I'm drunk... I feel like squirting some sperm on her wounds. How you like them apples, you crazy broad? FYI—my sperm is composed of 65% beer, 35% pure perfect genetics, baby!

PS #5. This week Jon Stewart announced the “Rally to Restore Sanity 2010”, while Colbert simultaneously announced the "March to Keep fear Alive.” I’m actually thinking about attending. A few weeks ago I was complaining on facebook about feeling burned out, and my brother responded by offering to fly out to Raleigh and take me on a roadtrip. I immediately refused because I’m not the road-trippy type. FYI – The movie RoadTrip SUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKs. Soul Plane, on the other hand, that’s just friggen brilliant.

Anyway. The prospect of him coming here and maybe driving with me up to the rally actually sounds pretty friggen cool. Mind you I’m a bit apprehensive because there will be A LOT OF WHITE PEOPLE there. And no offense, but large congregations of white people scare the fuck out of me!

For one thing, ya’ll chase wild animals. For another, ya’ll eat insects and bugs. Lawd have mercy I can’t even imagine having a son with a white woman. Not only do I have to prevent Fido from torturing insects, but I also have to keep Timothy Anoop-Snoop-Dog (Timothy to honor his white heritage, Anoop to honor his Indian heritage, and Snoop Dog to honor his muthafuckain’ black heritage, bitch) *lastname* from eating bugs. SMDH!

But seriously… I might just attend. I just know though that the first few hours will be complete torture. I’ll be begging to leave. But if I can get through that initial hell, I’m likely to end up having a terrific time. Aye Yi Yi…. Lucy where are you when I need you? (Meaning I’d rather go with a woman cuz white folk typically don’t fuck with you if yer with a babe!)

Anyway. Peace out!

Friday, September 3rd | September (Earth, Wind & Fire)

Evening. Though I kind of wanted to take the week off, I’m going to complete a blog anyway because I literally have nothing better to do this Friday. Regardless, I hope you enjoy it! And don’t worry, because politics and religion are the last things on my mind this week! Do keep in mind though that since this is Labor Day weekend, this will be an awfully brief post. Other than that, take care and HAPPY LABOR DAY!

It’s All about the Benjamins

During my drunken escapades last weekend, I posted a brief rant in which I hailed capitalism and mentioned that I don’t hate rich people. Now that I’m sober, I want to reaffirm both statements. We live in a capitalist society, so therefore I am a capitalist. It’s all about the Benjamins, baby!

Nevertheless, I want to take a moment today to analyze the negative aspects of capitalism. Though I love living in a capitalist society, I sincerely believe that capitalism in its current form cannot and will not sustain us for the long-term.

For one, it places an incredible toll on the Earth’s resources. As we keep reproducing and increasing our numbers, we resultantly use up more and more resources. Unfortunately the Earth has only so many resources to offer. So unless we quickly find a way to travel to others planets and harvest their resources, our future grandchildren and great-grandchildren might be in a heap of trouble.

Another problem with capitalism is that it breeds greed, corruption, war, and inequality. I believe this is because capitalism is based on competition. Without competition, a capitalist society remains stagnant, as it needs innovation and talent to prop itself up to the next level. This is a beautiful thing in that it leads to astounding inventions and whatnot, but it’s bad in that people will fight and even kill for a chance to outdo their competitors—and reap the bundles of almighty dollars that awaits the winner. However, since hatred, envy, and the inclination to fight among one another are natural human tendencies, I tend to discount the whole capitalism leads to evil argument.

There is no arguing against the fact that capitalism leads to wastefulness, though. For instance, I write product reports for a living, and I’ve noticed that many companies produce the exact same thing. Though their products might differ in one or two subtle ways, it’s really all just the same thing. It truly baffles me that so many people spend so much time essentially designing and producing virtually undistinguishable (save for the logo) products, when they could all be working together to manufacture something even better than the status quo. But again, without competition, there would be no need to be original and outdo one another—which means instead of having a 1000+ routers that are constantly being upgraded, we’d have one super router that never gets better.

Some people also cite individualism as a symptom of capitalism. Award-winning novelist Ben Okri states, “Individualism has been raised almost to a religion, appearance made more important than substance. Success justifies greed, and greed justifies indifference to fellow human beings.” Once again, I think that these are all symptoms of immorality, which in itself is totally separate from capitalism. Plus individuality, like competition, is a catalyst for innovation and talent. Suffice it to say, without individuality, there wouldn’t be reality talent shows like America’s Got Talent—and that’s just not cool!

Anyway. My brief analysis leads me to believe that the only real problem with capitalism is its toll on Mother Nature’s resources. So what’s the solution? Well, people like my Portland-based brother believe that we must revert to a more agriculture-based society in which people either grow their own food, or purchase it from a local vendor. While I appreciate the efforts of my brother and his peers, I think it’s all in vain, as it’s near impossible to feed billions of people this way. Processed foods have plenty of downfalls—the addition of unhealthy chemicals, the resultant environmental damage, and the associated animal cruelty, to name a few—but they’re the only viable solution for keeping the entire world fed.

I sincerely believe that for capitalism to continue undeterred, we’re going to have to find a better way of harvesting and using resources. And the only logical way to do this seems to be through scientific innovation—such as a Star Trek ‘replicator’ (though this is a mere fictional example). Basically, my brother wants us to revert to more traditional albeit outdated methods of sustainment, whereas I want us to push forward by investing more money into science and technology.

Anyway. In the meantime, I’m going to keep enjoying the fruits of capitalism. And if lucky, I’ll one day actually become a rich man. But as I’ve said before, I wouldn’t be surprised if the world suddenly collapses the day immediately after I rise to success. God likes to fuck with me just like he likes to fuck with Robert Barone! Frigen…*rolls the deity wheel*… Poseidon! (That’s ironic because it’s hurricane season!)

Don't Trust That Photo!

A gay friend of mine tried to send me a picture earlier this week. After making him promise me 10+ times that it wasn’t a picture of a naked guy, I finally accepted. Lo and behold, it turned out to be a naked young man bent over—with his butt cheeks illuminated by the glow of Steve Wilko’s bald head reflecting off a nearby television. Fricken bastard!

But things only got worse from there. Later that evening, the young man popped up in my dreams. Like George Constanza, I yelled out, “Get out of here! What do you want? You don't belong here!” Then suddenly a woman appeared from the bathroom, strolled over to the naked man, and hurricane kicked his ass out of there. Apparently, she knew karate.

The moral of this story is that if a homosexual friend (no matter how good a friend he or she may be) ever offers you a picture, don’t trust that photo!



Cock Without a Doodle Doo

This week Michael Baisden touched on one of my favorite topics: hen-pecked men. For those who’re not familiar with the term, a hen-pecked man is a man without a backbone. He’s the type of docile chap who bows to his wife’s every whim.

“Give me a massage!” yelled the wife.

“Yes, Mam,” calmly replied the well-trained, hen-pecked man.

Now that’s a dayum shame.

Mind you, I must admit that I have some hen-pecked qualities myself—though I maintain that I am anything but one. You see, I tend to start a relationship with a lot of hen-pecked qualities. During my one and only serious relationship ever, I asked permission before doing anything.

“May I kiss you?”

“Would it be okay if I smacked your butt?”

“Do you mind if I squeeze your boob?”

I realize it’s a turn-off, but when I first get to know a woman, I refuse to take the risk of offending her. After having been labeled a creep and weirdo all my life, there’s no chance in hell I’m throwing away a potential romance on a mere instinct or whim.

However, all my hen-pecked qualities immediately melted away after consummation. After waxing that sweet ass, I wasn’t afraid to do shit. If I wanted a kiss, I leaned in and got me a kiss! If I wanted to squeeze a boob, I went ahead and squeezed a boob! And if I wanted to smack a butt-cheek, I slammed my hand right up on that ass. Hell, sometimes I even smacked both them cheeks!

The point is that a man with hen-pecked qualities isn’t necessarily a hen-pecked man. A lot of guys like me have so much anxiety that it takes us a whole lot of time to finally open up. Getting to know a woman intimately helps tremendously—but not as much as tearing up that ass. After we’ve felt up our beau, stuck it deep inside our beau, and let our ‘man-ball’ juices flow deep within our beau, we ain’t got no more fear in our hearts!

Anyway. In commemoration of real men everywhere, I present to you a slew of poor-quality, rude, and sexist jokes, courtesy of me. Women… I suggest you look elsewhere. Buck that. I DEMAND IT ;-). (j/k j/k j/k! You know I love you beautiful ladies!)

- Is it okay to submit to your woman?
Only when she’s on top!

- Women say that Michelle Obama is running the White House. What do you think?
They’re right. She’s running the White House kitchen and laundromat! …. but that’s all she’s running!

- When a woman goes to bed, does her man have to go to bed too?”
Absolutely not. What if he’s hungry and just wants to go to Taco bell for a burrito? You know, their drive-thru is open like ALL NIGHT!

-Is it okay for a man to carry a baby on his back?
If it’s a fat baby, then gon’ get your workout on, bro! If it’s not, then you, Sir, are a hen-pecked wuss! Why not go ahead and add a belt purse so you can carry some tampons and diapers too, Nancy!?

Wanted: Doggy Exorcist

My dog has developed a very bad habit. Every time we walk to the store, we pass by a church. And every single time we get right in front of the steeple, she crouches low to take a pee. Now I’m not a Christian man, but I still respect the tenets of Christianity—especially the unlisted commandment that says Though Shall Not Pee on Holy Property. In fact, I won’t even put out a cigarette near a church, let alone take a piss. I’m trying to curb this abominable habit my dog has developed, but in the meantime I’m just praying she doesn’t start pooping on the church lawn! Because the day that happens is the day I hire a doggy exorcist!



In the words of young Little Richard, “GET BEHIND ME, SATAN!”

It’s All About Me, One Time!

This week a CNN reporter articulated his belief that Facebook tends to attract very narcissistic people. Before I go any further, I want to openly admit that I myself am chockablock with narcissistic traits, which is evident by the fact that 99% of my facebook pictures feature me, 99% of my facebook status updates concern me, and 99% of my facebook friend requests are directed at celebrities who could potentially boost my career. And yes, I’m both narcissistic AND delusional.

Anyway. The question I’m posing today is whether facebook narcissism is a good or bad thing. Arguing that it’s good seems silly, so instead I’m going to discuss why it’s not necessarily such a bad thing.

For starters, we all have a bit of narcissism within us. It’s kind of like our id (or ego?), in that it’s partially responsible for our confidence and self-esteem. Plus there’s nothing inherently wrong in being proud of oneself. For instance, I work out hard, so I like to display photos of my semi-ripped body. The key lies in maintaining a neutral balance, as every ounce of narcissism should be matched with an equal quantity of humility. A problem only arises when our narcissistic nature begins to conquer our more redeeming qualities.

Some people like James Lee say that we’re all a bunch of over-indulged, narcissistic parasites with no worthwhile qualities. Well, no offense to you Mr. Dead Guy, but kiss my ass. Just because we’re unafraid to enjoy the life given to us doesn’t make us parasites. In particular, engaging in meaningless online banter is no different than doing it at a bar or pub. The only difference is the medium—as it goes from being a face-to-face encounter to being a computer-to-computer one instead.

My point is that being on facebook doesn’t mean my friends and I are self-absorbed, egotistical maniacs without a heart. There’s a big difference between having narcissistic traits and being a full-fledged narcissist like Snooki (no offense, beau!). I’ll readily admit that I barely know any of my facebook friends, but it doesn’t matter because I still sincerely enjoy their online company. Several times a day I scroll through their status updates, and though most of them bore me, I always find at least two or three gems that make me smile, laugh or think. And to me, that’s what it’s all about.

You know, I don’t believe that an associate must necessarily be an intimate friend. Granted it’s wonderful to have one or two close friends, but it’s also rather nice to have hundreds of random associates with whom you can just share meaningless laughs and stories.

That reminds me. Did I ever tell ya’ll about the time my friend fed me a mixture of spaghetti and cat-food, and told me it was his Mother’s secret recipe?

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Anyway. That’s it for tonight! I’m sorry to keep it so short, but it’s the beginning of September, and time for good times and fun!

PS #1 – I hope ya’ll have a great weekend. Though this is a holiday weekend, I intend to work both Sunday AND Monday because I’m going for a $750 check (fyi – I’m paid biweekly)! Don’t tell my parents though because I want their ol’ asses to literally pee in their diaper-laden pants! I can’t wait until the check arrives in their mailbox! BWAHAH! “Oh, Beta (means son in Hindi)! I’m so proud of you!” said Mama. Damnnnnnn straight!

PS #2 – HAPPY LABOR DAY!



WHOOPS! WRONG ONE!

My bad….



Much better ;-).