Friday, November 5th | And The Beat Goes On (The Whispers)

Evening! This has been one wild and crazy, roller-coaster-like week chockfull of major ups and major downs. Instead of blabbering about it, let’s get down to business!

It’s the End of the World!

When I found out that the democrats had lost the House, my heart literally dropped from my chest down to my ankles. For a moment I felt truly defeated. The rest of that night I stumbled about with a humongous frown. You should have seen it. I looked like a child who didn’t get what he wanted for Christmas. But then another day arrived, and the sun began to rise around me. And after much introspection and deep thinking, I finally felt refreshed and alive once again.

Believe it or not fellow libtardians (and I don’t mean libertarians), but the world hasn't ended! Though America made a decision with which we disagree, they didn’t necessarily make a bad one. Many people are frustrated with both the democrats and republicans. So instead of allowing a majority to rule—as has been the case for the last four years—Americans opted to put republicans in the House to decide short-term issues, and democrats in the Senate to work out long-term issues.

It’s certainly not what I wanted, but I can live with it. The only thing that still stings is the loss of Nancy Pelosi. I realize many people despise her, but I truly love this woman. She speaks directly to me because she supports the same things I do—focusing on energy conservation and renewable energy research, increasing education spending, providing universal healthcare, ensuring civil rights for gays and other abused minorities, reforming marijuana laws, improving the minimum wage, and much much more.

Regardless, this country will continue to move along, though likely at a much slower pace. Giving control of the House to the republicans and leaving the democrats in control of the Senate means that bipartisanship must be pursued. Otherwise absolutely nothing will be achieved. The question remains: Do our politicians have it in them to play nice with one another?

I seriously doubt it, which is why I want to commemorate this occasion with my favorite brand of wine.



Cheers! And good luck at getting absolutely nothing resolved these next two years ;-).

Meet My Evil Twin

I have developed an evil twin. Whereas my craigslist persona believes in being politically correct, maintaining sanity, and fostering diplomacy—save for my late-night, inebriated rants about Slumdog Millionaire—my CNN self tends to be a rather irrational and foul-mouthed, Grade-A shit-talker. I still cannot believe how many rude remarks I made this week about John Boehner, Christine O’Donnell, and all conservatives.

The irony is that I’m completely anonymous on craigslist, whereas I’m identifiable by my actual name on CNN. Yet I feel completely at ease acting like a jackass on an international news site. Part of it is because one tiny comment on such a huge site is likely to get a lot less attention than one humongous ‘rant’ on a local community website.

Do I feel bad about what I’m doing? I do, yet I don’t. It’s not correct to act disrespectful and make jokes at other peoples’ expense. But I need an outlet—a way to relieve my temporary moments of irrationality, anger, and frustration. And since everyone else on CNN is full of sarcasm and disdain, I figured why not join in on the fun. “Fuck me? Naw… FUCK YOU, bitch!”

I do want to apologize though for referring to John Boehner as the ‘scum of America.’ That was just wrong. Mind you I don’t appreciate people referring to Pelosi as the Wicked Witch of Oz, LOL. Politics… gotta love it!

Conservatives versus Liberals

Will conservatives and liberals ever be able to reach a unanimous decision on how to govern this nation? I honestly don’t think it’s possible. We’re too different. It seems like conservatives are more concerned with achieving and maintaining total autonomy, carefully budgeting every dollar, and doing everything in their power to maintain tradition. Liberals on the other hand seem more focused on fostering and upholding all civil liberties, ensuring every man is afforded an equal opportunity to succeed, and reaching a hand out to those in misfortune. Mind you these are merely my perceptions, but let me give you an example.

A lady on CNN expressed her concern over the likelihood that Boehner might repeal the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act. She said that her “brother was diagnosed with cancer at 24,” and that he’s only able to receive treatment because he’s on their parent’s plan.

A staunch conservative immediately replied, asking, “I'm happy for your brother and all that, but why should I have to pay for him having cancer?”

Examples like this (and there are many more I could choose from) lead me to believe that conservatives only care about money. It’s like they’d rather stash away every dollar, rather than use it to fund infrastructure, education, healthcare, and whatnot. But at the same time, the way our society functions demands that we be frugal with our money—which is why I believe both conservative and liberal ideologies are necessary to keep America on the right track. Conservatives are skilled at managing money and waging war, whereas liberals do well at standing up for the underdogs and nurturing positive international and domestic relationships.

Don’t get me wrong, though. I’d love it if America one day becomes an all-liberal nation full of happy hippies and hip-hoppers hopscotching through the Garden of Weeden. But without conservatives around to control spending, we’d quickly go broke, get invaded by China, and be ordered to receive plastic surgery so our eyes could match theirs. Mind you if the Republicans were to completely take over, the Lorax would be assassinated, all immigrants would be kicked out, and there’d be no more Taco Bell. No más chalupas? AY YI YI!

The truth is that America is a big unhappy, dysfunctional family with metaphorical liberal women and metaphorical conservative men. And though I support gay marriage, a nation cannot function with just metaphorical testicles and a dick, or metaphorical boobs and a vagina. It needs the whole package—a metaphorical dick, fallopian tube, ovary, testicles, nipples, anal hair, vagina, and perhaps even a metaphorical happy trail.

Speaking of unhappy matrimonies, I’d like to present the first-ever, official conservative/liberal yin yang diagram.


It’d be a lot funnier if it was an elephant flicking off a donkey, and vice versa!

Stop Axing Everything

NBC is starting to really piss me off. First they screwed over Conan O’Brien, then they cancelled my favorite TV shows, ‘Outlaw’ and ‘Undercovers,’ and now they’ve suspended Keith Olbermann for making a private, personal donation to a political campaign. Their motto must stand for ‘Never Be Cool’ because these jackasses certainly know how to be uber-lame.

The problem with networks like NBC is that they refuse to give TV shows a chance. Just because ‘Outlaw’ and ‘The Whole Truth’ (ABC) are performing under-pair at the moment doesn’t mean they aren’t quality shows with the potential to do better. Plus a few million viewers are better than no viewers at all. If these jackass networks keep canceling shows, they’re going to start losing a whole lot of dedicated fans. I myself am quite close to officially blocking NBC at my home!

ABC… you’re on thin ice too!

Past and Present

So this week on Coast to Coast AM Radio they had a few technology experts speak about upcoming gadgets, such as one that’ll automate driving and parking. One frustrated elderly man called in to complain. He felt that such technology would take away from the experience of steering an automobile. I understand where he’s coming from, but he’s missing the point.

Look at this way. What about the experience of riding a horse or pulling a cart with your own body? Though they still exist in some form or another—whether for pleasure or, in the case of a third-world country, survival—they’re on the road to becoming obsolete. Why? To make life easier! To me it’s all about self-actualization. These improvements in technology are making it easier for those who’ve conquered the first three layers of Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs to climb up the remaining two.

I understand that it’s nice to know how to make a meal without electricity, sleep under the stars, or gallop on an imaginary horse while porters banging coconut shells together follow behind. But these aren’t necessary skills that everyone must know. It’s perfectly fine for people to do it on their own time, but I don’t want society’s overall progress being impeded just because someone stuck in the past is unable to come to terms with the present.

I like microwaves, automobiles, and dishwashers because they save me time—therefore letting me focus on more important stuff like reading, writing, social networking, and walking the pooch. By the way, ALWAYS soak your dishes for a while before you put them in the dishwasher! In fact, I go so far as to even scrub them down! My hand-washing clears the crumbs, while the dishwasher cleans and sanitizes them.

Fostering Bipartisanship

So what can we do to foster genuine bipartisanship, assuming it’s even possible?

Well, here’s a brief list of the top 5 ways to get ir’ done!

#1. BE TRANSPARENT.

I’m greatly disturbed by the fact that John Boehner distributed tobacco company checks on the House floor just before a vote on tobacco subsidies; but at least he did it in front of everyone.

#2. LISTEN TO ONE ANOTHER.

Don’t scream obscenities and insults like “YOU LIE!” while another politician is speaking. If you believe someone is lying, wait until it’s your turn to talk about it.

#3. BE WILLING TO COMPROMISE.

If you’re not willing to compromise, then you might as well go home and take a nap. In regard to healthcare, for instance, how about keeping insurance OPTIONAL, but also setting up an OPTIONAL universal healthcare program for those who can’t afford private insurance?

#4. DON’T TRY TO BE SLICK.

Don’t try to be slick by inserting a non-related clause into a bill or act. Nobody likes super-small warning labels, not to mention pieces of completely unrelated legislation.

#5. DON’T BE NEGATIVE.

I hate negative campaign ads. Real men and women don’t need to dispatch their opponents to win. If you are passionate, sane, and have good ideas, then let them be your ticket to victory. When you start lying and saying negative things about your opponents, you start to lose credibility and respect.

And in case these tips don’t work, follow by example!



Now that’s what I call working together to resolve a dispute!

The Royal Ass

I love dogs, but they’re so annoying. Truthfully, I’m better built for a cat. It’ll stroll into its litter box, find a clean spot, and handle its business. Then at the end of the week, or earlier if necessary, you merely switch out the litter. An uppity dog, on the other hand, will sniff 20,000 perfectly clean spots until she finds one deserving of her Royal Ass. Unfortunately I’m allergic to dogs, so I don’t have a choice.

It’s very frustrating. Two weeks ago I was running with my dog. I stopped at least three times to offer her an opportunity to let loose her dog logs; but did she take the opportunity? NOPE! Instead she waited until we were in the middle of a jog to let dribbles of doo-doo drool from her poop chute (she had diarrhea) and onto the sidewalk—a sacred ground used by magnifier-glass-equipped homeless to cook ants and cockroaches for breakfast. HOW RUDE!

Seriously though, I really am not a bad dog owner. I give her plenty of exercise, toys, and food. I just hate cleaning up after her. I guess I’m going to have to just suck it up and handle it, aye? Speaking of which, I want to take a moment to apologize to a neighbor whom I believe is irritated at me because I let dog poop build up in the backyard. Let me explain.

Twice this week a specific neighbor passed by me, and then yelled out something incoherent. The first time we were outside, while the second time I was inside and the neighbor was outside. It’s possible that the neighbor was speaking to someone else both times. But it’s also possible and more likely that the neighbor was trying to tell me something, which is why I spent an entire day trying to solve this mystery.

Was the neighbor:

#1. Mocking me because the democrats lost the House?
#2. Angry at me about something I wrote online? (Assuming the neighbor reads my writing.)
#3. Making fun of me in general? (El Dorko is an easy target.)

It was very frustrating trying to decipher what the neighbor had said. But it finally occurred to me that in both instances, the neighbor had passed through the poop-laden backyard. It then struck me that the neighbor is probably irritated because the neighbor accidentally stepped in one of those piles. Unfortunately I still don’t know for certain, but intuition and deductive reasoning lead me to believe that I’m correct.

So to this neighbor, I want to say I’m very sorry. I will try harder from now on to be more conscientious by cleaning up the poop more often. However, could you do me a favor and be more direct next time? If knocking on my door or tapping me on my shoulder isn’t an option for you, would you kindly consider perhaps taping a note to my door? I’m really good with notes.

Anyway. I hate using such a medium to discuss domestic issues, but I’m very bad at communication, which is why it’s ESSENTIAL that people are direct with me. I won’t be direct with them because I’m a social nitwit—and yes, I’m using that as my excuse! But I’m pretty sure they have the power and capability to be direct with me. And yes, I consider a written note a great way of being direct. In fact, I spent the latter years of HS (after receiving meds and before being expelled) communicating primarily via written notes.

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That’s it for tonight, folks. Thanks for reading and stay blessed! Next up is my usual dose of PS’es or PS(s) or PS’s or however yer supposed to write it!

PS #1 I’m currently in the application process for a really good job at a really successful online company that receives 15 million hits per month. It’s a two-week process during which I have to write 9 high-quality and informative articles that answer certain questions. I’m hoping to get this job, but I’m also scared because the work is a lot harder than what I’ve been doing thus far. This isn’t petty, low-quality writing. These guys have extremely high standards; but they pay really well! I’m talking about $11 to $14 for every 400-word article!!!!

PS #2 Since I’m extremely busy with work, I’ve had less time to think. That’s why this blog kind of sucks, save for the political bits.

PS #3 These people who won an $11-million lottery donated all their winnings to charity. HOW FRIGGEN SELFISH! Do you realize how much they could have done with that money? They could have bought 814 thousand cases of beer and donated it to colleges all across the country! It truly disgusts me how inconsiderate some people can be!

PS #4 Some conservative on the Daily Show Facebook page called all liberals pricks. Excuse me for being rude, but I think conservatives can be pricks too. They engage in group orgies (Limbaugh!), drink like crazy (even more than me!), and watch as their pet dogs fuck other dogs (at least look away!). But God Forbid gays have gay orgies, stoners smoke weed, and straight people watch gay porn (it's quite unusual, but curiosity killed the cat, not the bi-curious 'straight' guy).

PS #5 LOL @ Primetime showing a news clip about Rick Sanchez while discussing anti-Semitism. And I really appreciate them taking the opposite look at Muslims. They’ve done stories on Muslims being accosted by racists, but this time they did one about a young daughter being accosted by her overbearing, fanatical, and control-freak Muslim father. Kudos to them for staying objective and being willing to look at ALL the situations. And oh, LOL @ the fake beggar in a wheelchair.

AWWWW LAWD! I’M BLIND, I AIN’T GOT NO LEGS, AND MY WIFE CUT OFF MY DICK CUZ SHE THOUGHT I WAS SLEEPING WITH MY AMPUTEE THERAPIST!

Can you pleeeeeeeez spare some change!?



Have a nice night, ya’ll!

pEaCe

And oh… my current favorite hiphop songs include ‘Black and Yellow’ by Pittsburgh-native Wiz Khalifa, ‘Start It Up’ by Lloyd Banks (VROOM VROOM), and 'Yeah Boy' by Yung Joc.

And oh… my current favorite hiphop songs include ‘Black and Yellow’ by Philadelphia-native Wiz Khalifa, ‘Start It Up’ by Lloyd Banks (VROOM VROOM), and 'Yeah Boy' by Yung Joc.

Pictures taken from I-Am-Bored, Yours Truly, PassiveAggressiveNotes, and Google Search.

Friday, October 29th | HAPPY HALLOWEEN

Greetings!

In lieu of my regular blog, today I'd like to present to you the top 10 ways to keep fear alive and well in America!

BWAHAHHAHA

#10. Chase after trick-or-treaters while wearing an African voodoo mask, wielding a running chainsaw, and screaming, “Don’t you want to learn about Santeria?!”

#9. Rent a bulldozer, park it outside a homeless shelter, and wait until for it to start getting dark. When homeless people start showing up and asking what’s going on, tell them that Johnny Knoxville is planning to tear down the shelter tomorrow as part of a sketch for Jackass 3D 2.0.

#8. Pick ten white people in your neighborhood, write down their address, and find out where they work. Then send each of them a professional-looking letter that reads, “Sorry, but your job has been outsourced to India.”

#7. Get a job as a secretary at a computer firm that hires a lot of Indians, and find out each employee’s hometown. Then send out a mass emergency company-wide memo that states, “An earthquake measuring 10.0 on the Richter scale just hit India.” Make sure to include a list of all the cities that were hit, and include the employees’ hometowns in it.

#6. Hire a midget and dress him up as the kid from ‘The Grudge.’ Then find an Asian frat party, locate an uncovered window, and have the midget stand outside it while you hold a cat upside down for the associated sound effects.

#5. Kidnap a black woman, tie her in a chair, and use a bullhorn to scream obscenities at her for five minutes straight. Then in the voice of Samuel L. Jackson, ask, “How does it feel, you loud-ass motherfucker!?”

#4. Find a gay guy and break into his home at night while dressed as Satan. Sneak into his bedroom, setup a fog machine and disco lights, and then yell, “I AM SATAN! WELCOME TO HELL, QUEER!”

#3. Gather up a group of friends, dress up as immigration enforcement agents, find a random Hispanic family, and knock on their door. When they open it, barge into their home and scream, “WE’RE HERE TO TAKE YOU BACK TO MEXICO!”

#2. Pop into a 7/11 while wearing a shirt that features an armed man saying, “Jihad This, Motherfucker!” Then approach the Muslim cashier and rudely ask for directions to the nearest gun shop. And right before you step out the door, calmly say, “I’ll be back!”

And finally…

#1. Dress up as Barack Obama’s and Nancy Pelosi’s hideously mutated, socialist Marxist Commi Obamacare-loving son, aka the ANTICHRIST! Then go trick-or-treating.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Lol. I hope you guys enjoyed reading that as much as I enjoyed coming up with it. ;-)



And on behalf of all nerds, geeks, dorks, and weirdos in America, I want to wish everyone a HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

Friday, October 22nd | Mama Said Knock You Out (LL Cool J)

In the voice of Alfred Hitchcock, “Good Evening!” I hope everybody had a productive week. Thankfully for most of us, it’s now time to let loose and party like a stockbroker prior to September 2008. Unfortunately I’ll be restricted to my home and surrounding neighborhoods all weekend long. I do nevertheless wish to give my thumbs up and blessings to all the families, friends, and couples attending the State Fair. Have fun, ya’ll! And don’t you dare act like a pussy! If you don’t find yourself upside down at least once during your time at the fair, then you, Sir or Madam, STINK! ;-)

By the way, I want to apologize for the R&R I posted last weekend about my landlord. I prefer to keep my personal tribulations private, but I had a moment of weakness. It happens!

Anyway. This week has been chockablock with exciting stories, so I have a lot to discuss. Unfortunately it’s so much that this isn’t going to be that great of a post. It’s kind of all over the place. I want to apologize in advance. There’s just not enough time left to edit it anymore, so here it is….

What About The Children?

Last weekend teen heartthrob and child prodigy Justin Bieber decked some 12-year-old punk who referred to him as a ‘f***ot.’ Clearly this young man has more heart and courage than I’ve ever possessed, as I’ve never once raised a finger let alone a fist at an obnoxious shit-talker—despite being picked on all my life. I personally refuse to engage in violence because I believe in the words of Gandhi, who once said, “I cannot teach you violence, as I do not myself believe in it.”

However, Gandhi also said, “I can only teach you not to bow your heads before any one, even at the cost of your life.” With that and Bieber’s age both in mind, all I have left to say is, “ROCK ON, DUDE!” Hopefully he’ll handle such situations better in the future, but I don’t blame him a single bit for what he did. Sometimes the best way to deal with a bully is to just sock him or her in the face! This however doesn’t work quite as well with adults ;-).

Anyway. Later this week CNN posted an article about Willow Smith’s upcoming video for her hit song, “Whip My Hair.” I was immediately thrown back by all the nasty comments that followed. Some lady said that Willow looks like a ‘tramp,’ while another complained that she’s a spoiled and worthless brat. Honestly, these comments really pissed me off. And the comments being posted about Bieber are pissing me off as well.

Look, both Bieber and Smith are children. I don’t care if people want to run their mouths off about Obama, Muslims, Johnny Knoxville, or even me (though they might get knocked out), but how dare they speak ill of children! I don’t mind fun and lighthearted jokes, but when grown adults start referring to a children as ‘tramps’ or ‘f***ots,’ they’re crossing the line. What disturbs me the most though are all the parents who behave like this. Not only are they acting like ignorant jerks, but they’re also being irresponsible role models. Where do you think that 12-year-old punk learned that’s it’s okay to disrespect another human being like that?

You know, it’s bad enough that children bully and debase one another. But it’s even worse that adults do it to children as well. There’s something truly wrong with a society when it becomes commonplace and even acceptable to demean children, especially if their only faults are being successful and talented. It really is a disgrace. But as I said earlier, I don’t mind fun jokes that aren’t meant to disrespect. I’m not some uptight ass. But remember… there’s a limit to everything.

Speaking of which, don’t even get me started on people who rip children’s dreams apart.



*Wipes tear from eyes* All little Bobby wanted was to see the flowers grow. But instead he saw them die.

Hasty Generalizations

Sometimes it feels like the world has it out for black people. Every single time I read an article about black people—whether their culture, their churches, or merely their hairstyle—I always stumble on a thousand+ disparaging comments talking about ‘all black people’ this, ‘all black people’ that.

For instance, earlier this week LeBron James shared a racially charged tweet that he received. It read, "U r a big nosed big lipped bug eyed n*****. ur greedy, u try to hide ur ghettoness." That’s a rather demeaning and inappropriate comment, wouldn’t you say? What sort of response do you think that the story garnered?

Well, some people called LeBron a crybaby, some lamented over his decision to switch teams, and others just repeated the same sort of racist trash that was initially hurled at him. So in anger, several clearly upset black commenters struck back by calling all white people racist and intolerant.

This immediately struck a chord in a man named Will, who responded by saying, “It strikes me rather odd that a racist tweet was made against a black person, and then all of the sudden, there's a few responses accusing ‘whites’ of bigotry in this matter. Jumping the gun and accusing whites is in itself either pure carelessness, or just another form of bigotry.”

I completely agree with Will. Unfortunately, it’s very easy to get so riled up with anger that people fall right down to the same level as their aggressors. It’s a disturbing cycle that even I’ve experienced. In the past, when others attacked me with racism, I resorted to fighting back with just as many racial overtones. This would never happen anymore though because I’ve come to realize that the correct and adult way to handle such a situation is to maintain one’s cool.

No matter how much racism or how many insults are flung at you, you must stay poised, confident, and professional. If you resort to the same tactics that were used against you, that makes you no better than the original instigator. By the way, this rule applies to everybody—whites, blacks, Asians, Hispanics, etc. By the way, why does Microsoft Word capitalize Asians and Hispanics, but not whites and blacks? That’s racist ;-)!

Anyway. I want to end this section by quoting my future wife.

“I just embrace all people of all lifestyles, and I don’t tell them that they are bad people. But I feel like people always wanna define me and I don’t wanna be defined. The point is, everyone is not black and white. There are so many shades in the middle, and you’ve got to let people feel comfortable with being who they are.” - Nicki Minaj.

You’re So Well Well-Rounded!

This has been one wild and wacky week on Coast to Coast AM radio. Almost every show featured so-called experts who not only believe in ridiculous conspiracies like the Illuminati, shape-changing reptilian aliens, and chemtrails—but who’re also fundamentalist Christians who use Bible quotes to defend their outrageous theories. It’s like they get off on living in a fantasy world. I am open-minded enough to accept the possibility of alien existence, a link between vaccines and autism, and God, but someone who claims reptilian aliens situated underneath Area 51 are working with the Jews to create a slave race is just plain crazy. There are no ifs, ands, or butts about it!

But my favorite moment came when a black woman called into the show. “How do you know she was black?” you ask. Her name, her voice, her mention of a Jay-Z song, and her proclivity towards using Greyhound busses all led me to this unproven and totally fucked-up conclusion. Regardless, the lady claimed that once while discussing government conspiracies with other passengers on a bus, she began hearing voices that said, “Love the government. The government is good.” She ended her story by claiming that she’s not schizophrenic. Uh…. If she’s not schizophrenic, then I’m not a dumbass. Figure it out.

Thankfully the week ended on a high note when renowned author and journalist Professor Charles Seife came on to discuss real stuff like string theory, supersymmetry, the God particle, and multiverses. It was quite refreshing to hear somebody speak about topics that at least resonate with some degree of factuality. I realize that we can’t technically prove concepts like the atom and the God particle, but at least there’s a shitload of scientific logic behind them.

Anyway. A lot of crazies called into to question Charles, who happens to be agnostic, about his beliefs. They kept bringing up Bible prophesies and whatnot. But one guy really caught my attention. He said, “Dude… you’re so well rounded!” BINGO! And you want to know how he became that way? Through education and the procurement of knowledge! It’s all about learning, folks. And learning isn’t just restricted to book knowledge and science. A truly well rounded person is willing to learn a little about everything—science, technology, politics, romance, doggy-tail communication, hillbilly culture, Buddhism, Bluetooth, and even conspiracy theories. The more you know, the better.

However, a well-rounded individual should also possess enough common sense to be able to distinguish truth from fiction. I don’t mean to generalize all conspiracy theorists, but in my opinion most of their beliefs are based on, as Penn and Teller would say, BULLSHIT.

However, the theorists might be onto something with their assertion that Jewish Men in Black are secretly planning to take over the world in 2012 using their unknown-til-now Jewish Kungfu powers.



AH YAH! Well actually, for a Jew it’d be more like MAZEL TOF! And don’t ask me why they’re saying ‘Thank You’ because I have no idea. It’s all part of their evil plan, dude!

The Mean Girls of Morehouse

There’s a huge story brewing in the black community right now, and most of you probably haven’t heard anything about it. On October 11th, Vibe Magazine published an article about the androgynous men who attend Morehouse College. Just for clarification, Morehouse is a private, all-male historically black college (HBC) situated in Atlanta, Georgia. Some of its notable alumni include Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., Spike Lee, and Samuel L. Jackson, to name a few.

Anyway. Though Morehouse officials purportedly harbor no prejudice against homosexuals, they don’t look too favorably on androgyny—let alone anything that differs from the status quo. So a bit over a year ago they enacted a new dress code that bans students from wearing caps, do-rags, sunglasses (really?), sagging pants, dresses, tops, tunics, purses, and pumps.

Then just a few weeks ago, Vibe magazine decided to cover the androgyny situation at Morehouse by publishing an article entitled, “The Mean Girls of Morehouse.” School officials and some students immediately fired back, claiming that the article was distorting Morehouse’s image & reputation. They asked questions like:

Why not write about the good things Morehouse does?
Why talk about such a small segment of the population?
Why talk about an “old” issue?

Suffice it to say, the article managed to open up a huge can of beans. The issues continue to rage, with both sides openly debating the dress code, Vibe Magazine’s controversial piece, and all the associated ramifications. As is evident, it’s quite a controversial issue.

Anyway. My favorite radio-show host, Mr. Michael Baisden, has himself spoken out against androgynous behavior at Morehouse. He feels that dressing in such a manner is inappropriate, not to mention disrespectful. He argues that Morehouse is a private institution, which means it has the right to enact and then enforce whatever rule or rules it deems necessary. Furthermore, Mr. Baisden has noted that Morehouse is a historical college with a rich history. The question he and many others are asking is, “What would Martin Luther King, Jr. think about it?”

Well, though I respect Mr. Baisden’s opinion, I vehemently disagree with it. It is indeed important to recognize our history and traditions. However, it’s also equally important to learn from mistakes made in the past. And considering that we live in an age of open-mindedness, tolerance, and equality, I find it disturbing and almost hypocritical that Morehouse would enact such stringent rules. Who are they to decide how students should dress? Personally I believe Morehouse should rescind its dress code in its entirety, and allow students to dress however they choose. So long as they don’t break the basic rules of dressing in public—don’t be nude, don’t show your genitals, etc.—I frankly don’t care.

Now of course some people argue that this is a foolish ideology because you can’t dress freely in the workplace. That’s incorrect. Admittedly most professional organizations don’t cater to their employees’ individual preferences. However, there are some companies that do. For instance, my brother makes over $100,000 a year working for a very prestigious computer company (think Intel, MontaVista, Compaq, etc.). And guess what… he goes to work everyday dressed like a low-down hippy. I’m talking about shirt, shorts, and shoes straight out of Good Will.

I understand that Morehouse is a private institution with a rich history, but it’s time for Morehouse to pull itself out the Dark Ages. Martin Luther King, Jr. believed in equality and justice for all. And though there’s no telling how he personally would react to androgyny at Morehouse, if he really believed and practiced that which he preached, he would openly accept all those who’re different than him.

Plus think about Ghandi. This great man spent the majority of his life trotting around India in a gown and flipflops, which (no offense) is kind of girly. If Ghandi were alive and he visited Morehouse, would they complain about his garb? Hmmmmmmm? Think about that.



Lookin’ good, GIRLFRIEND! (finger snap)

Lighten Up, Everybody!

So this week feminists worldwide threw a fit over a YouTube video depicting pledges of Delta Kappa Epison’s Phi chapter shouting phrases such as “no means yes” and “yes means anal.” Personally I don’t get it. It’s not like they’re encouraging people to go out and rape women (or men, for that matter). They’re just being silly, goofy fratboys. What’s so wrong with that?

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not a fan of frats and I would never consider joining one. Nevertheless, I like most fraternity men and sorority women because the one thing they all have in common is that they love to have fun, act silly, and be goofy. And you know what my three favorite pastimes are? Having fun, acting silly, and being goofy!

I just wonder why people are so uptight that they continually choose to make something out of nothing. You know, just today I stumbled on and shared a Waka Flocka Flame, President Barack Obama music video parody titled, Baracka Flacka Flame - Head of the State.” It features an Obama impersonator rapping alongside Michelle right dab in the middle of the hood. Personally I think it’s absolutely hilarious! Some of my friends think otherwise.

They say the video is racist, which is complete bullshit because it was produced by black people! But more importantly, they claim that it only perpetuates the negative way in which all white people supposedly view black people. Now they’ve got to be kidding me. Even if that is true, are they telling me that they think it’s better to be quiet and act a role rather than be free—lest ‘massah’ see them or their ‘brothers’ & ‘sisters’ acting “coonish”? Don’t they realize the slavish mentality in that? Sighs. Be free… BE FREE!

Look, the bottom line is that it was just a funny video. It wasn’t meant to be a commentary on the president or on black culture. It was just supposed to make people chuckle and giggle in glee—kind of like an SNL or Mad TV sketch. What’s so wrong with that?

But yes, I do admit that the video kind of brings into light onto some of the negative behaviorisms that generally emanate from the black community. Poverty stricken black folk from the hood tend to dress a certain way, curse a lot, buy icecream from an icecream truck, and have multiple baby-mammas or baby-daddys. By the same token, many members of the white hood (aka the trailer park) speak garbled English, have been on the Jerry Springer Show, and may or may not be a Tea Party member ;-). And don’t even get me started on the smelly-ass, rat-eating members of the Indian hood! Speaking of which, I’m hungry!

My point is that pretending like these stereotypical behaviorisms don’t exist is foolish. They do exist. Mind you, people like Michael Baisden are trying their hardest to educate and empower the poor so that they can rise up and better their communities. But in the meantime, can’t we just sometimes sit back and laugh at reality? Are you trying to tell me that seeing ‘Obama’ smoking a joint of reefer while Michelle shakes her ass in front of a thug isn’t funny? Obama is black. Most black hiphop videos feature reefer and hoes. Combine the two totally unrelated concepts and you get something called parody and satire. Look it up and buy yourself a sense of humor! 4 real though!

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That’s it for today. Trust me when I say it’s been a very long day. I’ve been writing, editing, reediting, REPEAT all day long. Sometimes I wish I’d get over this stupid blog habit because it tends to make Fridays a lot more stressful than they ought to be. And for what? Absolutely nothing…. save perhaps a tiny bit of supposed self-esteem. Ay yi yi. Like I said earlier, I’m a dumbass!

PS #1. So this week someone called me a know-it-all. Yeah… I admit I’m a know-it-all. I can’t help it though. I LOVE TO TALK! Just ask my roomie. Whenever we work out together, I spend the entire time yapping my gums off. Since most of my life is spent in quiet solitutde, I tend to go a little lip crazy whenever given the chance to express myself. Sawwy… but that’s just the way I am.

PS #2. Wasup with America’s smartphone obsession? I don’t get it. I'm sitting here with a gigantic 22" widescreen, 1080p monitor; a comfortable keyboard; and a convenient mouse. The prospect of trying to browse the net and type up emails (let alone a blog) on a tiny smartphone, let alone a laptop, just doesn't appeal to me. Sadly this old dog just isn’t up to learning new tricks!

PS #3. So researchers say it’s better to have sex several times a week. You got that right! Me and my girlfriend Thumbalina (my thumb + the other four fingers) do it three times a week—and we're quite happy! *sings* Strokeeeeeeee itttttttttt babbbbbbbbbyyyyyyyyy.

PS #4. I hate uptight movie critics. Some psycho broad complained that Jackass is leading to the end of civilization. OH PLEASE! This is how I responded:

Blah blah blah. I watched Agora this weekend. It's a provocative and thought-inspiring film that a simpleton like yourself couldn't even possibly begin to grasp. Yet I fully intend to watch Knoxville's film as well. You and those like you are uptight elitists -- and are in fact the real problem with America. Believe it or not, but there's more sanity in letting out a fart than there is in being an elitist snob. Speaking of which, let some gas out your butt for a change. It'll do you wonders! You might also want to trying having an orgasm as well.

PS #5. According to Christine O’Donnell, “American scientific companies are cross-breeding humans and animals and coming up with mice with fully functioning human brains.”

Ladies and Gentlemen…. Micky Mouse has attained consciousness!



And for some odd reason he’s decided to dress up as a dog for Halloween. Hmmm... that’s just weird!

Night!

Friday, the 15th | Sweetest Taboo (Sade)

It’s Feel Good Friday and frankly, I don’t have much on my mind. So this is going to be a pretty brief and absolutely meaningless blog post. Enjoy it or ignore it. Either way, have fun tonight! And in case you have to work on Fridays or Saturdays or both, I hope you have fun on your days off—whichever day or days they may be.

I Am Not A Victim

But unlike Lil Wayne, I am a human being…

I realize my blog post from last week made it appear as if I’m suffering from a victim complex. However, I was merely expressing the truth. So if you think I’m just some spoiled brat who needs kicked in the groin, go screw yourself! I’ve been dealing with autism, social anxiety, and God knows what else for almost 29 years. In that time I’ve found ways to handle it—particularly humor—but it’s still hard. Every encounter with another human being will always be a struggle.

Even spending time with my parents is difficult. When they visit it takes at least 24 hours for my anxieties to dissipate—after which my real personality begins to shine. Though I’ve known them all my life, I always cringe in fear when I first see them because I have to re-acclimate myself to their presence. But by the time the visit has passed and it’s time to part ways, I’m usually my perky albeit goofy self again.

It’s unfortunately a lot harder dealing with the general public. Sometimes when I appear in public—whether to get groceries, walk the dog, go running, or go to court—I overhear something that upsets me. I realize though that the feelings I experience are entirely my fault. That’s just life, and I expect no empathy or even sympathy. I do however demand respect—not just for me, but also for everybody who suffers from mental illness.

We might be slow and even annoying, but we are human beings! And most of us, or so I hope, are just as aware of all the other people suffering out there—whether from a physical ailment, poverty, or whatnot.

That being said, it’s my right to talk and sometimes even complain about my life, just as it’s the right of naysayers to demean me. I’m not a totalitarian fascist, but I sure as hell am an outspoken and tad bit obnoxious guy, and you know that’s right, baby!

Speaking of which, I should stop wasting time blogging, and redirect my energy toward writing a book about living with autism. I’m very unsure about that though for several reasons. For one, there are thousands of other idiots like me out there who’ve already written similar books. For another, self-publishing isn’t a viable option for a guy who can’t even sell crack to a fiending crackhead. Most importantly, I need a mentor. Without one, I’m likely to put together the worst book ever written… kind of like this broad did.



Now that’s a shame!

Where’s The Justification?

I’m starting to seriously question our wars over in the Middle East. This week it dawned on me that we’re sitting idly by as terrorists wreak havoc on countless regimes all across the world. Yet all we care about are Iraq and Afghanistan— two countries that, if I’m not mistaken, hold large quantities of oil and gas. It makes me wonder what the true movie for this war really is.

I love that we’re helping these people—though I’m well aware of all the innocent civilian causalities—but I worry nonetheless. If we’re genuinely serious about stomping out terrorism, then why, for instance, is Osama still alive? How hard is it to just fly into Pakistan and bomb his ass into pieces of thinly stripped hunan chicken? 4 real though…

It just doesn’t add up anymore. I still support the war, but I’m having moments of serious doubt. If you want to remove cockroaches from your home, you don’t just put traps in one or two rooms. You put traps in EVERY room. Yah know?

Anyway…

And yes, I know that I’m extremely fickle!

Facebook Irritates Me

I love Facebook, but I also hate it at times. It tends to attract a lot of annoying people. Don’t get me wrong. I’ll gladly accept anyone as a friend. I know former HS peers who are now humble firefighters and teachers; quirky hipsters who love intellectualizing about cheese, beer, and huge keyrings; eccentric wackos who believe in UFOs, ghosts, and shamans; and a shitload of black people (light-skinned, dark-skinned, and ‘black like a blind man’s vision’-skinned).

I like most of them, but there are one or two whom I genuinely despise. In particular, one such individual’s annoying habits (he’s a former highschool peer) finally forced me to delete and block him from my profile. It was a groundbreaking moment, as I’ve spent the majority of my life trying not to reject others—lest I hurt them like others have hurt me. But I finally blew my cool. And though it’s hard to say this, I’m finally willing to admit that there are just some people in this world who I quite frankly cannot stand. I’m sorry, but it’s the truth.

I know… I’m a dick. Sorry, but his personality just didn’t mix well with mine. Almost everything he said got under my skin. And never once did he catch on to my sense of humor. Suffice it to say, we didn’t click at all. I feel bad about it, but isn’t it my right to dislike somebody? Then why do I feel so guilty?

Anyway. I also cannot stand women who initiate a chat but barely say anything.

Here's how it usually goes:

Annoying woman: Hey

Me: Hi

Annoying Woman (10 minutes later): What's up?

Me: Nothing

What I really want to say: EXACTLY. WASUP! WHY ARE YOU BOTHERING ME!? WHAT DO YOU WANT?

It's like they chat me up expecting that I’ll entertain them. Yo Lady, I'm not like most guys. I'm not going to start flirting with you and commenting on your cyber panties just because you have a cyber cooter that, just to make clear, hasn't yet been certified as a real-life cooter—as it could be in fact a 40-year old dildo bazooka instead. So either make a serious attempt to communicate intelligently, or bugger off already because I’m not some cyber sex toy!

School Pride

A really great show called ‘School Pride’ just launched on NBC tonight. It features students, teachers, parents, and celebrities (the lazy-ass Kim Whitley In Da House, lol) working together to fix up worn-down schools. It’s a brilliant reality show undeserving of the criticism that it’s received by a few assholes out there. It’s a Feel Good Show for a Feel Good Day, and I Feel Good talking about it!

The hope is that this show will inspire similar communities across the country to band together and fix their neighborhoods and schools. You don’t need cameras and celebrities to do it. All you need is lots of effort and love. A couple thousand people joining forces for a common cause is a force you cannot deny!

And I know fixing a school is expensive, but just imagine if every concerned parent in a community put down $100. All that money combined with their labor is more than enough to bring real change to a community. I believe it!

And oh… it’s my sincere belief that EVERY SINGLE CHILD is entitled to a good school and good education. If you disagree, then you in my opinion are absolutely heartless.

By the way, just because I’m a liberal doesn’t mean I believe in ‘entitlement’ for everybody. For instance, I don’t believe that big people should be entitled to their own toilet…



Perhaps they should just lose weight, me thinks… ??

Insanity Can Be Fun

People who listen to Coast to Coast AM radio aren’t necessarily insane. Personally I tune in mainly for entertainment purposes. It makes me chuckle in glee when a psycho caller claims that Obama is the antichrist. It’s even funnier when a purported scientist speaks of a magical crystal skull named Bob that can grant wishes. If that isn’t entertainment, then by Golly I don’t know what entertainment is!

But I also tune in because sometimes they speak about subjects that I find interesting—such as the possibility of alien existence, or the future potential of cybernetic technology. As an open-minded and futuristic individual, I find such topics quite intriguing, though I don’t necessarily accept them point blank; I take EVERYTHING with a grain of salt. I’m not some nutty conspiracy theorist who believes in the Illuminati and all that other fictional crap.

I’m Not Gay, But I’m Really GAY

I’m not a homosexual, but I am extremely lame—so much so that that flaccid penises point at me and whisper, “He’s lame!”

I bring this up because some homosexuals take offense to the word gay being used to describe people like me (lol).

In particular, the Gay & Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation (GLAAD) forced the producers of ‘Dilemma’ to cut out a scene in which Vince Vaughn’s character says that electric cars are gay. I’m sorry, but this is just plain ridiculous.

Vince agrees. “Comedy and joking about our differences breaks tension and brings us together," he said in a statement. "Drawing dividing lines over what we can and cannot joke about does exactly that; it divides us. Most importantly, where does it stop?"

GLAAD immediately fired back, saying, “When 'gay' is used as a pejorative, it frequently sends a message -- particularly to youth and their bullies -- that being gay is wrong and something to laugh at."

First of all, thank you GLAAD for teaching me the word pejorative. I’ve heard it and looked it up a thousand times, but only now will it permanently stick in my brain. It’s like how I learned the word tenacious… from watching ‘Tenacious D’!!

Anyway. All the idiots who call me weird, stupid, and lame offend me. But I support their right to be douchebags. In fact it is every American’s right to be a douche, a jerk, an ass, or a whiny bitch (yours truly, motherfucker!). That’s what makes us such a great country. Freedom of speech can be annoying at times, but I’d rather live in a nation devoid of censors versus one where speech and expression are moderated.

So though I’m down with gay pride (RAH RAH RAH), I humbly must say to GLADD: “SUCK IT, YOU FAGS!” And when I say fag, I mean “an annoying person” or entity. I’m all for educating kids and trying to stop bullying, but this is not the way to do it. And before I go, I just want to say that ya’ll are GAY! And I don’t mean homosexual, though ironically enough, ya’ll are that too.

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Thanks for tuning in for this pathetic post. Like I said, I need to write a book. Sighs. Maybe one day.

PS #1 – I know the pictures are lame, but I like visuals.

PS #2 – I hate baseball. Seinfeld and American Dad were preempted for baseball at least 7 times in the past two weeks. Do me a favor and get your own channel, baseball fans ;-).

PS #3 – This week my dog and I got into such a huge tiff that I tried to sell her on Craigslist. A few people were interested, but I quickly changed my mind. Suffice it to say, I had a moment! It’s that time of the month—for the both of us! And there ain’t enough manpons and dogpons in this house to keep us from fighting. Lord knows, child!

PS #4 – I’m very happy for the Chiliean miners, but did ABC have to preempt ‘The Whole Truth’ for a 20/20 special? Every news agency on the planet was talking about them. I didn’t need a special!

PS #5 – I’m about to post a picture to end this post. I want to say beforehand that in no way, shape, or form am I trying to disparage black people or Taco Bell employees. It’s merely a joke. I myself have worked at Taco Bell, Burger King, McDonalds, etc. And I tell you, folks who work at these places are typically some of the hardest working people in this world! So kudos to them!

Anyway. So earlier I spoke about how we need to improve our communities and schools. Well, I was dead serious. Look… MLK had a dream, but this wasn’t it!



Lawd have mercy….

In the paraphrased words of Bill Cosby, this one is “not gonna be too bright.”

ENJOY!

Credit for all pictures goes to I-Am-Bored.com.

Friday, October 8th | Everything is Everything (Lauryn Hill)

Evening, folks. It’s Feel Good Friday! To be honest, this has been a painfully slow and bone-chilling week. One wonders how the hell the temperature drops from a low of 71 to a high of 69 in just one week! Thankfully it’ll at least be warm this weekend! Unfortunately it’s only a matter of time before I have to give up late-night running, lest I spend the rest of winter sniffling and rubbing my warm head. Despite all the supplements I take, my immune system isn’t and has never been very strong. Anyway.

So today the big topic on my mind is bullying. But I’m not interested in trying to procure a solution for it. There are millions of other people out there already trying to do that. Instead I’m going to reveal a few of my own experiences with bullying. As an autistic Asian male who “acts black,” I literally have a book’s worth of material I could share, so what you’re about to read is essentially an ultra-condensed version pertaining to a tiny few, but certainly not all, instances of bullying in my life.

Hopefully you enjoy it and maybe even learn something from it. If nothing else, it’ll serve as a great opportunity for me to practice my autobiography-writing skills!

The University of Torment

In my prepubescent years I was never teased or bullied because my peers felt sorry for me, though they felt no remorse about bullying the fat kid, the gay kid, or the nerdy kid. Suffice it to say, I was so retarded—and no, I’m not going to cover the precise details concerning my retarded behavior, as that itself could fill an entire book chapter—that I was the ‘special’ one. Mind you it helped that I was also exceptionally bright and known to produce straight-A work.

College however was an entirely different experience. The scars I acquired at the university level still throb with so much pain that I would never, under any circumstance, consider returning to college for further education. I’d rather risk barely surviving for the rest of my life as an amateur freelance writer than place myself in that environment. Instead of helping me find myself and perfect my skills, college only served to destroy my self-esteem, convince me that direct exposure to society is bad, and inspire my gradual descent into a maze of ‘purple haze.’

From the very beginning I was the oddball. It didn’t help that I was at the time discovering my ‘hiphop identity.’ Since I spent the majority of my prepubescent years wearing the outfits that my Mom purchased, my college years gave me an opportunity to develop my own style. Quite frankly, the Ambercrombie shirts, tanned shorts, and worn-out flipflops worn by all my Asian and Caucasian peers never really suited me. So I tried a myriad of different outfits and looks—doorags, bandanas, headbands, wristbands, extra-long shorts, G-Unit & Eminem apparel, etc. I’d look at myself in the mirror with pride, thinking, “I’m a pretty stylish guy.” But my peers felt quite differently.

Many remarked that I was trying to be black. An uppity black girl standing literally right behind me once exclaimed, “What a loser. He thinks he’s from the ghetto!” And then on another occasion, while merely strolling to my next class, an Ambercrombie-adorned Caucasian male murmured to his friend, “The weirdo thinks he’s cool.” By the way, that day I was wearing a clean and shiny Eminem outfit that I had spent over an hour ironing and creasing to perfection. And then one time while walking by a group of Indian males, I heard them start laughing and talking about the ‘shame of India.’ I admit what they said is kind of funny, but it certainly didn’t seem funny at the time.

My social skills were especially poor during this time in my life. It had only been five years since I had been diagnosed with A.S. and prescribed medication to pacify my anxieties—so that I could finally verbally communicate with my peers. Prior to diagnosis, I would just stare down at my desk throughout class and never once look up or speak, except to acknowledge the teacher of course. During the first ten years after diagnosis, my eyes would constantly dart from one person to another—and sadly, I still sometimes suffer from this inappropriate habit. While sitting in an English class, I once heard an Indian boy ask the Caucasian girl next to him, “Why does he look around at everybody?” She replied, “Because he’s an asshole.” That hurt.

It was also around this time that I began exploring my writing ability. Sometime in 2004 I logged into the University bulletin board and wrote a long spiel introducing myself. I was immediately taunted, teased, and insulted. And since back then I lacked the calm and collective nature I now possess, I immediately struck back at the bullies with my own vicious words. But they struck back even harder, and the cycle continued—with more and more people siding against me every single day. It felt like the whole world hated me. No matter how hard I tried, my every attempt to express myself was demonized.

The most painful experience occurred while on the bus riding through campus. There was a young physically and mentally handicapped girl onboard named Morgan. Throughout highschool and during my brief tenure at McDonalds, everybody had always teased her and treated her like pure shit because she was ‘annoying.’ I was literally one of the only ones who showed her respect and kindness. I would even walk her home from McDonalds. Upon sighting her on the bus that day, I switched to the seat behind her and began calling her name and tapping her shoulder—but she completely ignored me. Apparently, even she had turned against me.

I realize now that it’s partially my fault, as I should have responded more intelligently online. But on the other hand, I was a young autistic kid just trying to express himself. And after having been bullied for so long, I finally decided to strike back. And though my words were very harsh and destructive, you’d think at least one person would have seen through all the clouds of smoke—and recognized the pain I was experiencing. Sadly nobody saw it but me.

Unfortunately the ramifications of all that bullying still remain. I wear the simplest clothes to avoid being ridiculed. I’ve locked away all my flashy jewelry so I won’t get ridiculed. I purposefully avoid attending social events where I might be ridiculed. I never read the follow-ups to comments I post online because I’m afraid of being ridiculed. And I’m very suspicious of anyone who befriends me, lest I be ridiculed. Speaking of which, I’m having major doubts about attending the Rally to Restore Sanity because I don’t know whether it’s worth taking the risk of being ridiculed.

It’s funny because though I live in a free country, I sometimes feel anything but free. I suppose it’s all due to my own insecurities. Regardless, it’d be nice if I could go anywhere and do anything without constantly having to worry about being ridiculed or teased. Unfortunately, such a day will likely never arrive, which is exactly why I’d rather spend the rest of my days at home in solace and peace—where I’ve free to be exactly who I want to be!

Anyway. Again, please keep in mind what you just read was an ultra-condensed version of my past. There’s a whole lot more to it, but unless somebody ever pays me to write a book, it will remain forever locked away within me.

Speaking of bullying, wasup with all the Bieber hate!?



I appreciate a good joke, but perhaps the folks who put participated in this poll are taking the anti-Bieber movement just a tadddd bit too far! Personally I think Bieber is white because his parents are white…. but I could be wrong ;-).

”I am not a witch! I am you!”

You are not a witch, but you might be a dumb bitch. And you’re definitely not me. Speaking of which, this one is for you…. SQUIRT! j/k

Seriously though, I understand that Miss O'Donnell did and said some silly things in her past. Hell, I once took part in a séance while drunk and high off pills. The bottom line is that we’ve all made stupid mistakes. I do however as a liberal wish to apologize for constantly making her the butt of my jokes. It’s inappropriate and wrong, especially considering that it’s a form of bullying. Nevertheless, I want to assure everyone that my dislike for O'Donnell has nothing whatsoever to do with her past.

The one and only reason I’d never vote for O’Donnell is because I disagree with her views on abortion, equal rights, stem-cell research, taxes, energy, and healthcare. Personally I feel like she and her ilk represent a backwards, Bronze-Age thinking pattern that I refuse to accept. Just the other night I saw Glenn Beck speak about how he and crew are the shepherds here to tend ALL the flocks. All of them, you say? What about gays, American Muslims, the impoverished, and anybody else who's different from the status quo? Yeah, that's what I thought.

I Want to Be a Cyborg

The prospect of having electronic, mechanical, and robotic parts inserted into my body really excites me. Theoretically speaking, it would allow me to operate my body like a program.

Instead of having to get a haircut every month, I could insert a function that limits my hair growth to a certain constant, such as 1-inch. And instead of having to deal with useless and absolutely annoying nasal hairs, I could just completely switch off that function.

I could even regulate my sleep. Instead of having to turn over and over again throughout the night, not to mention be awakened every few hours, I could instead program my body to sleep for 8 hours straight. Maybe I could even setup a sensor to wake me up if it detects any unusual conditions like a change in temperature or a strange noise.

Some people complain though that such futuristic technology would be wrong because it would supposedly go against God and nature. No offense, but I think that’s ridiculous! On that basis, everything we take for granted is wrong—steam, electricity, pharmaceuticals, and even Cesarean births. In my opinion we cannot limit scientific exploration and growth just because it goes against the supposed ‘natural order’ of things.

Technically there really is no ‘natural order’—or at least not the one people perceive. The only thing natural is the basic patterns seen in subatomic behavior. Everything else is just a result of those transactions. Suffice it to say, I refuse to allow somebody’s religious beliefs to interfere with the progression of science. And that by the way is one of many reasons I’m a proud Liberal, though the following section may make many of you scratch your heads in bewilderment, lol.

I Got My Eye on You!

Many people are concerned that we’re slowly losing our civil liberties. They argue that allowing the government to monitor us will lead to a Big Brother state, but I think that’s preposterous. What they clearly forget is that we’re in a state of war. Quite frankly I don’t mind giving up some privacy for the sake of national security. The FBI is welcome to track my movements, listen in on my calls, and even watch me scrub my delectable ass in the shower. So long as they don’t make a fuss about me being an alcoholic pot-smoker, I don’t care because I have nothing to hide but the huge, nuclear rod radiating in my draws.

However, I hope the FBI has enough sense to only monitor real threats—such as the all the loony tune fanatics out there—versus innocent men and women who are merely different in some way or form.

Regardless, I refuse to join the Anti-Big-Brother Club. Things would have to get pretty bad for me to consider siding with them. I’m talking so bad that businesses and the government alike begin regulating genital hygiene.



Excuse me, but whether or not I choose to groom my paynis is none of your dayum business, Big Brother!

Order in the Court!

This week I was summoned to the Wake County Court to face charges of marijuana and paraphernalia possession. Since I’m a first-time NC offender, the judge—who I swear looks like Judge Ross with a mustache—merely assigned me court costs. Though I’m very grateful for the light sentence, I sure wish Governor Perdue would follow Governor Schwarzenegger’s lead and decriminalize marijuana possession. I don’t mind receiving a citation, but I do mind the prospect of being locked up for just smoking a harmless plant.

Anyway. Before I was called up to receive my sentence, I observed a young 16-year-old boy who smokes pot everyday be taken into custody for a minimum 10-day sentence. It was a sad site to behold, but it inspired me to write this letter to him and everyone else just like him.

Dear Stupid Ass,

Wasup, bruh bruh? So I heard you like to smoke the cheebah. Cool beans. I like to smoke the cheebah too. However, I’m a grown-ass man who works a full-time job, manages a rented home, takes care of a spoiled dog, and even wipes his own butt. You on the other hand are just a boy. And yes, I said it. If you don’t believe me, then ask your Father to name you a part of his body that’s bigger now than it was when he was 16!

Anyway, look man. I’m not going to tell you to not smoke weed or that it’s bad for you because hell, even I smoke it. But here’s the thing. You’re young and your mind is like a sponge. Do you know what happens when you abuse a sponge? Pieces of it slowly start breaking apart. And well, every time you smoke a blunt after school instead of doing your homework, a piece of your brain breaks off.

You know how they say old dogs can’t learn new tricks? It’s not that they can’t learn; it’s just that it’s a lot harder for them to learn. As you get older, your brain will also start to slow down—as will your capacity to quickly learn new concepts and ideas. Right now you’re at the peak of development. You have an opportunity to absorb so much knowledge, bruh. So why are you wasting time destroying your brain when you could instead be empowering it?

Check it out. I too used to smoke every single day. I started smoking the summer after 9th grade and continued doing it everyday for about three to four years. During that time my grades went from straight As to straight Fs, I was expelled from HS, I was reprimanded to a juvenile detention facility, and later on I even served a short sentence in an adult prison. All that happened to me because I chose to be a dope-smoking loser instead of doing what I was supposed to.

Bruh, do you want to be successful one day? Well, then I suggest you put down that blunt and redirect your energy toward studying your lessons. It’s been a bit over 10 years since I first picked up a joint, and I still haven’t caught up with my peers—many of whom now work professional jobs, own their own homes, and are even married. I’m one of the lucky ones though because at least I have 9+ years of education (not to mention a bit of college) on my side.

Like I said earlier, I’m not going to tell you to quit smoking weed. I think you should, but it’s your choice. But if nothing else, at least slow your roll, bruh bruh. Though I still smoke the ganja, I only do it on the weekends. Not only that, but I smoke only perhaps $10 worth of bud per month. It saves me money and, more importantly, it saves me mind and body. Every time I get drunk or smoke some bud, I’m picking apart a piece of my brain and body. That’s why I only do it in moderation.

Anyway. You can either get your act together and start focusing on the future, or you can head down the path I took. If you choose the latter, just do me a favor and never drop the soup. A scrawny little boy like you doesn’t stand much of a chance in the big boy’s tub. Got me?

So it’s your choice. Either you can be a somebody, or you can be a nobody… kind of like this Lady here.



Talk about really achieving something!

Wake County Voter Guide

Everybody should have received a 2010 Wake County Voter Guide in the mail this week. Please take the time to review it! Write down all the candidates’ names, and then conduct additional research through the Internet! Most importantly, make sure you get out there in November and VOTE!

Community Colleges versus Private Universities

This week Obama took a lot of heat for reaffirming his support for community colleges over private universities. I for one completely support his decision because I believe that a four-year education isn’t necessarily the optimal choice for everybody.

For one, I personally learned more while taking a class or two at my local community college than I did from the university I attended. Whereas the university focused more on imparting book knowledge, the college provided direct hands-on learning experiences. We were given a chance to take apart real computers, analyze how a real business-network functions, and speak with real network specialists.

Plus community colleges are obviously a whole lot cheaper. This makes them a great stepping-stone for students who want an education, but can’t yet afford a university’s ridiculous tuition. Perhaps they can obtain a two-year degree, work in the field for several years, and then pursue higher education at an accredited university.

In fact, I recommend that every student majoring in the arts, business, or computer technology consider acquiring some formal business experience before pursuing higher education. At the university level I had difficulty bridging the gap between what I was learning and the real world. I was overwhelmed with all sorts of strange concepts like requirements planning, data modeling, and database management systems—but quite frankly they made very little sense to me.

If I had first worked at a company that dealt with such concepts, I imagine that my ability to comprehend the topics would have been much better. Unfortunately my interest in computer technology gradually kept declining, until I gave up on it altogether. I wouldn’t mind pursuing a degree in Journalism—what with the fact that I have had 5+ years of freelance writing experience—but as I previously stated, I’d never do it. Not only would the experience probably be painful, but my chances of making it as a journalist—a career that requires tremendous social skills and the ability to build contacts—is non-existent. But I digress.

Anyway. Don’t get me wrong. A university is and will likely always remain the best option for a full-fledged education. Four or more years of education combined with internships are all that’s needed to excel in the real world. My point however is that some students can’t afford it, some students aren’t ready for it, and some students quite frankly just aren’t built for it (yours truly).

White People Music

I have a bad habit of categorizing music as either ‘white people’ or ‘black people’ music. It’s wrong and stupid, but I clearly still have a slew of unresolved mental issues that I need to handle. Regardless, I generally prefer ‘black people’ music—r&b, hiphop, funk, etc—because it puts me in a good mood. But I wasn’t always like this.

When I was younger I quite fancied artists like Weezer, Hootie and the Blowfish (I know he’s black, lol), and even R.E.M. But those days are in the past. Nowadays I hate this sort of ‘white people’ music because it makes me nostalgic for something I’ve never even had. It makes me think about what it’d be like to have attended the prom, to go skinny dipping with my girlfriend, to go camping with my friends, or even what it’d be like just to have warmhearted, quality friends to spend time with.

One thing about hiphop is that it never makes me sad. It pumps up my adrenaline, gets me shaking my derrière, and makes me happy. And that’s why I love it.

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Alrighty. Sorry for making this so long, but I had a lot of things to say. Let’s finish up with my usual dose of PS(s).

PS #1. Some jackass who appeared on the Stephen Colbert show argued this week that marijuana shouldn’t be legalized because kids would start using it. Look here chubbs… either they’re going to eat glue or smoke marijuana. My question to you is: Which, Sir, is more natural? Mmm hmmm… that’s what I thought!

PS #2. This week some jerkoff named ‘Avatar2’ argued that all American Muslims should have to apologize for the actions committed by terrorists. Here’s my response:

Since you like to judge many on the actions of a few, I hereby demand an apology from you for that guy with the 'I Love Avatar' shirt whom I saw take a pee in the corner of a garage earlier today. It stank in there and I BLAME YOU, Sir or Madam, as well as any other putrid, no-urine-ethics-having Avatar fan. I want my apology, AND I WANT IT NOW!

PS #3. Mr. Michael Baisden hosts a weekly event known as ‘Bra-less Thursday.’ Its purpose is to inspire women to take off their bras, as wearing a tight bra for an extended period of time can increase the risk of breast cancer. But in all fairness and with all due respect, since women are allowed to remove their bras, may I therefore remove my draws? I’m just saying… I’ve been squatting and my legs have been getting bigger, and well, let’s just say I'm feeling a bit claustrophobic in these tight draws!

PS #4. Some guy was arguing how science is crap and religion is the only truth. Sighs. I’m sorry to all the religious folks out there, but as an agnostic male, I MUST reply in kind:

Religion is based on a single antiquated book, whereas science is based on tens of thousands of experiments that have been performed over the centuries. Quite frankly I have more faith in String Theory than I will ever have in a longhaired white dude who is so righteous he doesn't smoke pot. Longhaired white dudes ALWAYS smoke pot!

PS #5. – The perversion in America is really starting to get out of hand!

Friday, October 1st | Wake Up, Everybody (John Legend, The Roots, Melanie Fiona)

It’s Feel Good Friday, baby! Before I begin, I want to quickly recap my week. First the water got turned off, then the electricity got turned off, and then my dog chewed through her collar (AGAIN) and broke free from her lead. Thankfully a batch of outstanding albeit tiny young men brought found her and brought her back home to me. Overall this has been a very difficult week. However, I’m one of those people who believe in turning every negative into a positive, which is why I’m still smiling and living in glee.

Some might say that my blissful nature is a sign that I’m an ignorant fool, but I disagree. I think that true ignorance relates more with anger, resentment, jealousy, and hatred. Those who are ignorant waste so much energy bickering over the most mundane matters that they miss out on the world around them. Those with wisdom—not to dare say I’m wise in any way, shape or form, though I am a wise-ass—tend to focus more of their energy on absorbing knowledge and trying to find some meaning to all this madness. And since they’re not ripping their hair out in frustration all the time, they’re more prone to having a humongous sense of humor.



Ugh. Ugly bastard. Anyway.

So to all those who blatantly called me a fool this week, I urge you to look yourself in the mirror. Instead of wasting your precious energy demonizing me for thoughtfully voicing my opinion, perhaps you should try doing what I do—reading, thinking, writing, and laughing. I don’t have any answers, but at least I’m aware of what’s happening around me. So stop looking at me with such a spiteful frown. Geez… it’s not that serious! And no, I don’t know what the hottest ‘kicks’ or the ‘flyest do’ on the street is, nor do I care. Sorry for my bluntness, but there’s more to life than material objects—including the Bible.

Speaking of which, I sincerely believe that true meaning cannot be found from just one book—especially one that’s thousands of years old. In my opinion it’s better to read many books, hear different viewpoints, and think critically. But alas, these traits seem to be disappearing nowadays. And this leads me to my first topic…

I Blindly Pledge Allegiance to My Religion

It seems as if many people are more concerned with worshipping some sort of idol—whether a person, an entity (God?), a material object, or an ideology—than they are in procuring knowledge, thinking critically, and reaching their own conclusions. In the case of religion, for instance, why do 10s of thousands of people still blindly follow Bishop Eddie Schlong, even though the facts present clearly demonstrate that he is nothing but a scumbag.

For one, he uses his congregation’s hard-earned tithes to fund his lavish lifestyle. If he wants to earn a million dollars by selling a self-help book on how to live righteously, then be my guest. But how dare he use the sanctity of God to line his coffers. Church is supposed to be a House of God, not a House of Business. In addition, the mounting evidence against the Bishop indicates that he is both a hypocrite and a liar who relishes in taking advantage of young men. What else do people need to wake up and let themselves free from this Matrix of Ignorance?

You know, just this week a survey conducted by the Pew Forum of Religion & Public Life led to the startling conclusion that atheists and agnostics know more about religion, on average, than the average religious follower. Atheists and agnostics, in my opinion, seem more interested in learning about different cultures and religions, whereas those who subscribe to a single faith seem more inclined to severely narrow their vision to only that which relates directly to their ideology.

My big concern with this is that many religious people are so caught up in blind allegiance that they refuse to think critically—almost as if they fear to do as such. Living a religious lifestyle can certainly be an enriching experience; there is no doubt in my mind about that. However, being so caught up in your faith that you blindly accept everything and refuse to question anything is not only foolish, it’s unintelligent and maybe perhaps even ignorant.

I sincerely respect religion and I tip my hat to all the hardworking albeit badly dressed missionaries who cycle around day all day spreading their faith. All I’m saying is that there’s nothing wrong with being skeptical and asking questions—not to mention exploring your thoughts. However, that’s just my opinion. But hey, I’m an Indian, so what do you expect ;) ?

”The power to question is the basis of all human progress.” - Indira Gandhi



Sorry, but she’s pretty darn ugly too! Wasup with that?

Bring Out the Biker Chicks!

I used to think that mainstream American society hates hiphop because they’re all secretly racist. This week I was proved wrong by a CNN post covering biker gangs. Throngs of people showed up and began insulting not only biker gangs, but also everyone who chooses to enjoy their free-time riding a chopper.

It really irritated me to see people generalize all bikers as ‘losers’ and murderers.’ I’m 100% certain that most bikers are hard-working Americans who manage a family and pay their taxes, but just happen to enjoy hooking up with their buds now and again to cruise the streets in style.

Did you know by the way that John Walsh—a man who, after his son was murdered by a serial killer, sacrificed a lucrative career in upscale-hotel management to run a non-profit organization dedicated to crime-law reform—is an avid biker? And did you know that a group of bikers known as the Patriot Guard Riders show up at soldiers' funerals to counter anti-gay protests by Fred Phelps?

Though I’m not a biker and will likely never be a biker—mind you I may one day be a junior moped biker—I have a lot of love and respect for bikers because they’re very similar to me. They have a passion (like I have a passion for writing and hiphop) and they’re unafraid to fulfill it. They have no qualms about dressing up, and rolling through town, and drawing attention, and I’m sure heckles as well.

So to all the warmhearted and righteous bikers out there (including you, Mr. Michael Badboy of Radio Baisden), I say do you homies and homettes.

Anyway. It’s time to BRING OUT THE BIKER CHICKS!



Excuse the language, but them some bad bitches! You could learn something from them, Miss Indira! ;-) (sense of humor, people!)

Take Me to Your Leader

The recent rise in UFOs leads me to believe that aliens may be preparing to land and introduce themselves. I used to think that these crafts were just secret military vessels, but recent news headlines and discussions on the topic (Coast to Coast) have inspired me to change my mind. Plus the UFO appearances are becoming more and more common.

However, you might wonder, “Why are aliens doing this?” My guess is that they’re trying to desensitize us to the idea that we’re not alone. The more commonplace UFO sightings become, the less shocked we’ll likely be in case we ever see one. I guess maybe one day we’ll become so desensitized to it that when they do land, we won’t start screaming and firing our games like a bunch of idiots.

Another question people ask is, “Why does a species that’s so technologically advanced care about us?” Well, a species that’s so intelligent is most likely also extremely altruistic. I imagine they’ve put aside all the petty emotions that plague us—greed, fear, jealousy, envy, hatred, etc.—and come together in harmony. Otherwise they in all likelihood would have never gotten this far, technologically speaking.

Regardless, I for one look forward to their landing. I however sincerely suggest that they don’t pick me as the first one to contact. After introducing them to Parliament Funkadelic and getting them stoned, I plan to stab them and then sell their bodies to the U.S. government for one million dollars, and you know that’s right ;-). Shouldn’t have ever landed in the hood, foo’!

Where’s My Get Out of Jail Free Card?

So this week an analyst showed up on the Colbert Report to discuss the 2008 and 2009 bailouts. Initially I asked, “Where’s my bailout?” Indeed, shouldn’t I at least be given a ‘Get Out of Jail Free’ card? Or how about a “You Don’t Have to Show Up Next Monday 9am At Court For Stupid-Ass Marijuana Possession Charges” card? (And yeah… next week is going to suck)

Well, listening to the gentleman speak inspired me to reshape my perspective. From what I’ve gathered, the banking and automotive industries function like pyramids. If the bottom tier foundation were to collapse, the whole pyramid would subsequently collapse—causing the industries to fail and millions of people to lose their jobs.

Looking at it from this perspective, I’m now a tad bit more sympathetic to the whole bailout fiasco. Mind you, these companies should have never let themselves fall to such a degraded state to begin with, but I suppose shit does happen. Nevertheless, I sincerely hope they’ve learned their lesson. I’m willing to accept the first few batches of bailouts, but the bank is now officially closed. Under no condition will I tolerate any more bailouts. We’re all allowed ONE mistake, and not anymore!

Gays in Iran and the Military

Sorry haters, but it’s too late. They’re already here!



HEYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY! (And no, I’m not gay, lol. But I love being complimented by a gay man. Tell me again how spectacular my ass is! Gon’ ‘head!)

Introducing the Heathens Party

I hate to admit this, but I’m starting to respect the Tea Party. I still disagree with them on practically everything, but they are gradually proving themselves to be a formidable competitor. They’ve taken the reigns of power from the Republicans and are on the path to perhaps one day becoming a legitimate political party. Kudus.

However, it got me thinking… what if we liberals did the same thing? Why don’t we start our own grass-roots movement and turn it into a political party? The question is, though, what should we name ourselves?

I have several ideas. Ponder over them and then take action!

The Beer Party? (Screw tea! Do I look Japanese?)

The 420 Party? (Despite common belief, Clinton did in fact inhale, but Monica didn’t exhale; she swallowed!)

The Heathens Party? (We do it without condoms, we binge drink, and we smoke pot. By Golly… we might just have found ourselves a winner!)

Wizards and Warriors

In fantasy fiction, there are two main types of characters: wizards and warriors. The warriors are strong and burly soldiers who use their physical strength to get what they need, whereas the wizards are frail and thin practitioners of knowledge who use their intellectual insight to procure what they need. In fantasy fiction there is no superior; just as the warrior can slice the wizard to death, so can the wizard fireball the warrior to death. Ergo they are equal.

Real life however is quite different. The most an intellectual ‘wizard’ can do is use some pepper spray and then run like hell. It’s unfortunate because people with physical prowess have a clear advantage over those who don’t! Think back, for instance, to my blog post last week about Maino. Were Jenks a burly man, I doubt Maino would have been so quick to physically attack him—though I could be wrong.

But it’s all ultimately irrelevant because the truth is that most people in real life aren’t either a meathead or super-nerd. Most folks fall somewhere in the middle. They’re somewhat strong and somewhat smart. However, we do still have an assortment of people who fit strictly on one side of the spectrum.

Take for instance Matt Burch from ‘Operation Repo.’ This guy is a straight-up meathead who hates ‘overeducated’ people. Though I find him incredibly entertaining, I think he’s a first-class jerk. He uses his big muscles to intimidate and provoke people—many of whom are already upset and confused.

But for every meathead, there’s some uptight elitist prick who looks down on people who aren’t that book smart. Have you ever commented on an article or blog, only to be refuted by a member of the grammar police? “How about learning how to spell correctly first, idiot!” Yeah… they’re jerks.

Unfortunately it still sucks more to be more of an intellectual ‘wizard’ than a strong ‘warrior’, though. As I said earlier, the most we can do when accosted by a strong ‘warrior’ is either try to rationalize, or run like hell! Speaking of which, I need to buy some pepper spray, because as outspoken as I am, I’m likely to one day run into somebody who wants to beat me up! And quite frankly, my face is already too jacked up as it is ;-)

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Well that’s it folks. I’m sorry to make this so short, but I haven’t had much time to piece this altogether. We just got our electricity back this morning. Anyway. I hope to be back next week with something better. Either that or I’m going to take a week off again! pEaCe and thanks for listening! I’m a bit down by the way due to all the circumstances of this week, so if you know any good freebie sites and know my address, feel free to send me some free shit, hahahah. J/K! Take care and stay blessed!

PS #1. I think people are also mad because I’m unafraid to mess with the police. They foolishly think the recent increase in police presence is due to me. I highly doubt the highly decorated and well-trained Raleigh police give a crap if I make a joke now and again. If their presence around our part of town is ultra high, it’s because they’re doing a good job. Remember.. the police are our friends. It’s the government assholes who argue against the legalization of marijuana who aren’t our friends!

One thing, though. Is it just me or are they getting a tad bit desperate?



Really?

PS #2. If you ever feel too stressed out, think about disconnecting from the world for a day. Just one measly night without electricity turned out to be an amazing experience. Mind you I would have started capping mofos if I had to go any longer than one night. Regardless, sitting around watching candles flicker gives one a great opportunity to just sit and think. Try it sometime!

PS #3. R.I.P. Colton Tooley. Sighs. Remember though that not all smart and quiet people are depressed. I'm semi-intelligent and super-duper quiet (save for the Internet), and I've had plenty of miserable days crying my eyes out. But I grew up from it and found strength within. The kid was young and just needed time to grow up some more. It's a very unfortunate situation because he's now going to miss out on so many joys that awaited him in life.

PS #4. R.I.P. Greg Giraldo. He was way too young… way too young. Greatest line ever: to Joan Rivers he said, “You are one irritating Jew broad.” And in his memory I say to Jon Stewart, “You are one irritating little Jew girl!” pEaCe be with you, man.

PS #5. According to the government, I’m “intellectually handicapped.” No offense, but FUCK YA’LL! Ain’t nothing handicapped about my intellect. I’m just straight-up retarded. It’s as simple as that! The only thing intellectual handicapped about me is my penis. No matter what I say, it refuses to keep growing! "What you mean by grow some more, boss?" Stupid prick!

Friday, September 24th | Hate on Me (Jill Scott)

Evening! I’m ultra bored and ultra thoughtful, so this may be ultra long. If you want to read it, go ahead. If not, it’s all good because I genuinely enjoyed writing it.

Anyway. This has been one strange week. I could have sworn the police were stalking me. Either that or a major bust is about to go down. All week long I saw Sheriffs, Detectives, Sergeants, and I think I even saw Lieutenant Dangle. He was hanging out with some guy outside Priscilla's sex-toy shop on Capital Boulevard. Hmm…. weird.

And then just yesterday, while I was being driven to the Doctor, some women in a really big van yelled out, “You ain’t as good as u think you are!” as her husband screamed, “Yeah, fa**ot mother***ker!” Uh, well, just to let you know, you ain’t as good LOOKIN as u think you are! (My dog yells, “Yeah, fatass mother***ker!”) Damn straight we said it, boo boo! Now what!? ;-) And yes, that really happened, though I pretended like I was deaf because I wasn’t about to get shot!

I don’t know what she’s talking about though because I know for a fact that I’m a heathen destined to spend eternity in hell, sitting alongside Christine O'donnell as old, lustful men masturbate over and over again (and you wonder why I’m afraid to get shot!). Hopefully she’ll be able to cast a spell to get us out of there, assuming of course Satan lets her keep her reagents.

Before I begin, I want to thank the angry Lady for inspiring the following blog. Her ever so poignant rant helped jumpstart my Uranus HD II Engine (digital camera reference). So for that, thank you, you crazy-ass psycho broad ;-) Sorry Ma, but how the heck you gon’ just go off on a brother like that?

Squash It

Two weeks ago MTV began airing a brand new reality show called ‘World of Jenks.’ It’s a documentary/reality show in which this young filmmaker, Andrew Jenks, spends each week with a different person. In the first very episode, which premiered on September 13th, Jenks spent a week with notorious rapper Maino.

For the first 30 minutes or so, Jenks watched in awe as Maino partied and performed nonstop like a rapstar. Then during one brief scene, Maino took Jenks along as he picked up his son from school—during which Maino spent more time signing autographs than he did with his own son. They then immediately returned to partying yet again.

Then later while hanging out in some sort of backstage lounge, Jenks bravely pointed out that though many people look up to Maino, all the man ever does is party. And truthfully, that’s a very fair and astute observation, or so I thought. Maino apparently disagreed, as he promptly caught an attitude. Not only did he refuse to answer the question, but he began to behave like a goon. First he choked Jenks, and then he bitch-slapped him. The basis for all this animosity was that this ‘punk cracker’ or whatnot had no comprehension of all that Maino had been through—particularly his 10-year stint in prison.

First of all, Mr. Maino, spending 10 years in the penitentiary for something YOU DID WRONG is not having it hard. Living with cancer or HIV… that’s hard! Being born with cerebral palsy… that’s hard! Taking care of severely autistic children… that’s hard! Having your legs blown off while fighting overseas… that’s hard! Acting like you’re some sort of untouchable Goliath on the premise that your past experiences make you immune to criticism isn’t hard… it’s just plain ignorant! (I said it, yes I mother***king did!)

This whole scene especially affected me because I’ve been in this sort of situation before—wherein I merely sought to discuss a situation rationally, but was physically attacked by a thug with a victim complex. The irony is that individuals like this rely on the argument that “you’re talking too much” and that “you don’t understand what you’re talking about.” So your solution is to become physical, Maino? If that’s all you’re capable of doing, then you, Sir, don’t understand a single damn thing your own self!

Don’t get me wrong. I enjoy Maino’s music, but I’ve lost a lot of respect for him as a person. Except for the case of self-defense, no man has the right to ever lay his hands on another man, woman, or child. It’s absolutely unacceptable and I will not tolerate it. If you want to be treated with respect, then you must treat others with respect. Maino was more than welcome to become ‘verbally defensive’, but he had no right whatsoever to physically attack Jenks.

This whole situation has me in a paradox of sorts. I absolutely adore rap music and the hiphop culture, but I fear that many of the rappers I like are just as bad as Maino. Though they have clearly risen up from poverty, many of them still retain the same contorted belief systems that helped them navigate the hood. The problem is that the same rules that apply to the streets have no merit in the real world. “Beating a trick” or “stomping a hater” might work in that world, but it has no place anywhere else—except of course the Mob.

So to all you hotheaded young-bucks out there who believe in combating criticism with violence, I sincerely urge you to rethink your belief systems. Why not just squash it? Or better yet, if you’re up to it, why not grab a breath of fresh air, return to the scene, sit down, and have a rational discussion? It may sound corny or ‘gay,’ but I promise you that utilizing violence to intimidate others won’t get you very far in life. If you’re not willing to change your ways, then I suggest you begin saving up a commissary fund because you’re likely going to end up in prison!

So if you can’t handle it, then just SQUASH IT…



Kind of like that dog is squashing that baby… yeah.

Give a Brother a Break!

Note: This post is for Obama supporters. If you hate Obama, then keep on! Otherwise, take a moment to holler at your boy.

Many people, including Jon Stewart, are unhappy with President Obama. They’re disappointed at Obama’s inability to bring forth the radical changes that they had anticipated he would. Personally, I am not one of these people. Though I was overcome with ecstasy when he won the presidency, I knew from the beginning that the process of change would be painstakingly slow. Meaningful legislation can take decades and sometimes even an entire lifetime to pass. This is because our government relies on a system of checks and balances, a fundamental part of our constitution that ensures no one person or branch of the government ever becomes too powerful.

You see, we the people control who’s elected into office. So if the majority of the country is leaning toward the left, we’re more likely to have a liberal government—and vice versa. However, a majority in the executive, judicial, and legislative branches doesn’t necessarily mean change will be easy and swift. For every bill, there’s a potential appeal. And even if a bill does pass, it could easily be undone. Suffice it to say, the whole process of enacting legislation is a straight-up pain in the ass. But it’s like this for a season.

As an example, take for instance the case of a man who is sentenced to Death Row. You’d expect him to be lugged directly to the electric chamber, yes? Well, that’s not how it works. It can take over a decade for an inmate to finally be executed, as he is in his every right to appeal the ruling and ask for a retrial. The entire process is slow and tedious, but fundamental—lest an innocent man be executed.

In the same way, it’s imperative that our various branches of government ‘check’ and ‘balance’ each another. This prevents one single ideology from taking over. Yes, I’d love to see a single-payer healthcare system, but there are numerous people in this country who disagree. And though it’s annoying (like you wouldn’t believe), it’s nonetheless absolutely mandatory that their voices be represented as well. This means that achieving true healthcare could take decades longer to achieve, but when we do finally achieve it, it’s more likely that we’ll all be in unison.

It’s kind of like the whole marijuana debate. Every 10 years or so, we get just a tad bit closer to fully legalizing it. Each year more and more people and jumping on the bandwagon. Hopefully, the same thing will happen with healthcare!

Anyway. Another complaint about Obama is his purportedly poor dialogue. Admittedly, I wouldn’t mind seeing him being more direct and militant, but I support his choice to do otherwise. Perhaps I’m wrong, but it seems wiser to be diplomatic rather than a rude ass—especially in politics. Heck, I’m just a bored loner who likes to blog on craigslist, yet even I must follow the rules of diplomacy. Though Republicans irritate me to no end at times, I can’t just come out and say, “F*** you corn-husking, trailer-park flunkies!” If I were to do that, I would be flagged quicker than beer turns to piss. By the same token, Obama must carefully watch what he says and how he says it, lest he alienate the very people he’s sworn to represent.

You know, though it’s good to have the balls to be ‘real’ and upfront, it’s also important to be tactful. The difficulty is in choosing one’s battles. I appreciate Obama calling Ahmadinejad out for being hateful, but I do kind of wish he would put forth just as much zeal into other issues like healthcare, gay rights, and immigration. But hey, it’s hard as hell to be assertive with one’s stance without offending others. And it’s for that very reason that I’m glad beyond belief that I’m not President!

The Modern Grease

I take it that the older generations aren’t too fond of hiphop. They likely scratch their heads in confusion as they witness us yunglings flashing our jewelry, riding around in ‘pimped-out’ rides, and smacking the butts of hot, bootylicious broads. So today I want to put the hiphop culture into perspective for them.

Do you remember Grease? First of all, I admit that I’ve never seen it. However, since it’s so representative of 20th-century culture, I absolutely intend to watch it sometime in the future. Keep in mind though that movies like ‘Coolie High’ and ‘Cornbread, Earl, and Me’ are also just as relevant to this period of American history.

Anyway. Though I haven’t seen Grease, I did a little research on it and discovered some interesting sub-themes such as style & swagger, pretty girls, nice cars, fancy clothes, and even wild & funky dancing. And well, these themes seem to bear a striking resemble to modern hiphop culture. We love to wear cool brand name outfits, ride around town in cars with Lamborghini doors and spinning rims, race our friends on empty city streets, and dance our butts off!

Don’t get me wrong. I completely understand why they don’t care for hiphop. I’m only 28, yet I oftentimes find myself shaking my head at these 15-year-old kids dancing to the ‘Stanky Leg.’ Excuse me, but if you have a stanky leg, then perhaps you should take a bath! :-) JUST KIDDING! But seriously, music tends to be generational. Each generation passes on a bevy of really spectacular songs that blow everyone away—but each generation also has its fair share of cultural behaviorisms and what could be perceived as ‘mediocre’ music that eventually disappears like a fad.

My point is that though our sense of style and swagger has certainly changed, we’re really not all that different. It may seem otherwise if you read the news everyday, but I believe that’s merely because 24/7 media coverage didn’t exist 30 years ago. Nowadays any small little headline—gang-banger shoots other gang-banger—becomes a headline in less than an hour. Don’t let that fool you, though. We’re not all a bunch of stupid rugrats who refuse to work and are obsessed with stardom. A lot of us are just young kids who happen to have a passion for hiphop music and culture. And yes, we’re older than you guys were, but hey…. 30s are the new 20s, baby!

There is one thing I must say, though. When it comes to hot girls and fly cars, we soooooooo got you suckers beat, biatch!

This is ya’ll:



This is us:



Yeahhhhh, baby!

I will admit though that our girls are a just a tad bit chunkier than ya’lls were, but obesity is a problem affecting the entire country, so don’t judge!

Ahmadinejad is a Ding Dong

Sighs. Ahmadingdong *cough tag* I mean Ahmadinejad *end cough tag* really irritates me. The man is clearly not stupid, but he certainly acts otherwise.

First of all, he’s upset that Obama never replied to some letter he wrote. His belief is that Obama should have at least said hello. To be honest, I kind of understand his sentiment because I personally cannot stand waving or saying hello to somebody on the sidewalk, only to be totally ignored. HOW RUDE! However, I’d rather be rejected than have the individual in question burst into a tirade about how I supposedly stepped on and broke their toe. Dude… you have on steel-toed boots!

My point is that until Ahmadinejad stops making false allegations—the Holocaust never occurred, 9/11 was an inside job, President Obama ran a train on his mother—neither I nor anyone else on this bloody planet will take his stupid-ass seriously. And on a side note, I would greatly appreciate it if he’d shave that beard because I frankly do not appreciate him stealing Jon Stewart’s look!

The sad thing is that he has some good ideas. He wrote a long letter several years ago that I quite fancied. He wrote about how it disturbed him that most of the Earth’s resources are allocated only to a few select countries. I kind of understood what he was saying. The problem is that he has no tact whatsoever—and this is coming from the most tactless bastard on Earth. Speaking of which, I need to go take a shit.

--- Jeopardy Music ---

--- Flush ---

--- Jeopardy Music ---

Sorry about that. Oh wait, I forgot to wash my hands! BRB!

--- Jeopardy Music ---

--- Water Running ---

--- Jeopardy Music ---

Okay. So where was I?

Mixing and Matching

I support the Dream Act and I believe that the ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’ policy should be revoked, but I don’t understand why these issues have been mixed in with the defense reauthorization bill. Isn’t it possible for them to simply vote on each individual issue separately? Throwing together 30-billion unrelated amendments makes zero sense whatsoever. It’s like trying to get one’s penis enlarged, only to be told that such surgery also requires that one’s balls be chopped off and a tube be permanently inserted into one’s rectum

Excuse me, but can ya’ll just make a brotha’s dick bigger!? I'm tired of being made fun of...



November Elections

So how many of you folks are ready for the November elections? I know I’m certainly not even close to being prepared. Unlike past years in which I just voted for Democrats, this year I intend to properly research every candidate. I refuse to be a victim to ideology, which is why I urge you to begin studying your local candidates to determine which individuals best represent your interests.

Look, this isn’t a black and white world. And neither is it a Democrat versus Republican world. It’s a complicated world full of complicated issues. So if you go in and just vote one side without first doing your research, you are doing your country and this world a major disservice!

Take Our Jobs

This week Stephen Colbert addressed congress on behalf of illegal farmworkers. From what I can tell, he believes that Americans aren’t interested in doing the type of work these men are ‘hired’ to complete. And he’s right. We’re not willing too… but that’s because we won’t work for any less than the federally mandated minimum wage. Plus if we put in 40+ works a week, we expect to be compensated with benefits and overtime.

So I understand that these farmworkers are completing tasks the rest of us would rather not do, but that’s only because they’re doing it illegally—and under illegal provisions. I honestly wouldn’t mind offering them a chance to become legal citizens, but once again I must ask, what would stop others from doing the same thing? Couldn’t billions of ‘farmworkers’ come pouring through our borders afterward for a chance to do work and become legal? I hate to say this phrase that my Mom and Dad utter on a daily basis, but “there is a limit to everything.”

Sighs.

Anyway. I do however support the DREAM Act because as I’ve previously stated, I don’t want to punish the children of illegal immigrants. So long as they pay their own way through college (assuming they don’t go for the military option), it’s all good with me!

God Bless my Bubble-Butt Ass

I still don’t understand the concern over gays in the military. Personally I would rather fight alongside a gay man who found me attractive, because at least I know he’d do everything in his power to keep my sweet, fine ass safe from harm’s way!

Plus it’s not like giving gay people rights will make all our future children gay. Believe it or not, but offering them the same civil liberties we have isn’t going to turn our children any gayer than they already are…



I’m not a homophobe or anything, but my future children are sooooo not ever playing the piano!

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Well, that’s it for today. The following are brief PS(s) that didn’t really deserve their own section. Enjoy!

PS #1. I would rather a woman say “You’re genuinely funny” to me, than a woman say, “I want to fuck you.” Don’t get me wrong. I’d love to fuck, but with fucking comes many pressures. Will I perform well? Is it big enough? Will she disturbed by all the moles on it? It's just so stressful! That's why I'd rather first build a relationship and then fuck 2 weeks later (hahah). I need time to get to know a woman and learn to be comfortable around her.

PS #2. This week Baisden asked, “Finish the sentence…. You know a man is gay when”

You know a man is gay when the bathroom smells like peaches after he took a dump—and no, he didn’t use air freshner!

You know a man is gay when the song 'Doing da Butt' comes on and he starts popping his booty like a woman.

You know a man is gay when he don't just trim the hedges.... he dyes them purple!

PS #3. It’s a good thing the original ‘Law n Order’ ended because it stood no chance against ‘The Whole Truth.” This show blew me the f*** away! It is GROUNDBREAKING! We’ve seen a show tackle the DA and we’ve seen a show tackle the Defense. But we’ve NEVER seen a show tackle both! Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant. By the way, I too would have voted guilty! If it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s either a duck or a mentally retarded and disfigured dog.

PS #4. Did any of you catch ‘Outlaw’ tonight? You Republicans would have really liked it. Ol’ boy decided to defend a white cop who was being charged with shooting a citizen whom he thought was illegal. The reason he shot the punk was because the guy threatened the cop’s life. Everybody else jumped on the racial-profiling background, whereas ol’ boy decided to go for the TRUTH.

And yes, I did bitch earlier this week about racial profiling. But it was Monday, a day during which I am the biggest heterosexual bitch on Earth! On Mondays I’m like Perez Hilton, except with a virgin ass! Anyway. Racial profiling does occur, but in this instance, the cop was just doing his job. He saw a guy hanging out in the middle of the street at 10am, and two miles from the border. What would you do? And how would you react if the guy threatened you?

The beauty of this episode is that the defense attorney chose, against the advice of his counsel, to put together a mainly Hispanic/Latino jury. And amazingly enough, they acquitted the officer. If a jury of white men had acquitted, it wouldn’t have really meant anything. But that these Hispanics and Latinos saw through the black/white façade and really understood the issue goes far to prove a point—though it was all fiction.

PS #5. I LOVE BILL MAHER! If you don't like him, then in the quoted out of context words of Jon Stewart, "SUCKKKKK IT!"