February 25th | Foolish (Shawty Lo) - The Age of the Court Jester

I chose this song because it fits the ‘Court Jester’ theme.

Good Evening, Raleigh. Unlike last week, I feel confident and ready to drop some fire, though I can’t say for certain whether it’ll be HOT FYA. My initial goal was to make fun of people who misuse the word Socialist, but as I started writing, my words started getting all mixed up with Governor Scott Walker, the Tea Party, and the Union protesters. That said, my satire may be especially offense to Tea Party members. I want to apologize in advance. However, I also want to remind you that it’s merely satire. Plus I’m a friggen anti-American, Socialist liberal, dude! ;-)

Everything else will be delivered in a very casual and extremely hurried format. I just don’t have enough time remaining to go into detail. So don’t expect any real intellectualism. It’s 12:48am and I’m just now writing the ‘The Age of the Court Jester’!!!

The Age of the Court Jester

I made several startling discoveries this week. First and foremost, I’m a liberal. Though I sometimes espouse centrist and even right-wing views, I am for the most part a rich-people-hating, republican-distrusting Communist, Socialist, and un-American liberal bastard who believes that only blind people should be allowed to possess guns.

I also came to realize that I’m a fool or court jester. Sadly, such terms have always had a very negative connotation to them. This is heavily due in part to the Bible, which claims “fools hate knowledge.” I agree that foolish and ignorant individuals tend to prefer to set aside rational knowledge in favor of silly superstitions and non-facts—which by the way is quite ironic, what with the fact that . . . well, nevermind.

Sadly, many people equate being comical, sarcastic, satiric, or silly with being such an ignorant fool. This is an erroneous judgment, as is evident by the following passage from the fictional book, A Game of Thrones:

“The king’s own fool, the pie-faced simpleton called Moon Boy, danced about on stilts, all in motley, making mock of everyone with such deft cruelty that Sansa wondered if he was simple after all.”

Moon Boy is an intellectual fool, better known as a court jester. The real world is brimming with them: Jon Stewart, Stephen Colbert, Bill Maher, Seth MacFarlane, and me, of course, though I am admittedly just an amateur court jester.

What separates us from simple fools is that we empower our words with wit and intent. Whereas a fool merely acts a fool the sake of being a fool, a court jester acts a fool for the sake of making others feel like a fool. Our desire is simply to turn you inside out until you’re left staring at a mirror, wondering why the f**k your heart looks like it’s been fricasseed.

INSERT PICTURE (I’m not a graphic designer, assholes!)

Republicans Say the Darndest Things

This week has been chockablock with crazy statements by crazy-ass republicans. It’s become a daily happenstance for them. Former Republican Senator Rick Santorum referred to Wisconsin protesters as drug addicts. Republican Congresswoman Michelle Bachman said that Glenn Beck should fix our budget. And former Deputy Attorney General for Indiana Jeffrey Cox, whom I believe is a republican, recommended using live ammo on the Wisconsin protesters.

Wow. I readily urge sane and rational republicans to stand up and start a non-fringe movement to take back their party. The Republican Party used to be a respectable organization that brought forth many positive changes to America. Sadly, it has since been taken over by loony-tune characters.

By the way, like Mr. Chris Matthews, I too recognize that there are equally insane fools on the left as well. Fortunately for us, they’re in the minority versus the majority. And I realize that Rachel Maddow and Ed Schulz are very passionate. However, there’s a big difference between being passionate and being a crazy, loony-tunes nut. Is Ed Schulz crazy? “HELL NO!” Are the one or two Wisconsin protesters who waved pictures of Governor Scott Walker with a Hitler-like mustache possibly crazy? DAMN STRAIGHT!

INSERT PICTURE (I’m not a graphic designer, assholes!)

Speaking of the Fringe Movement

Ugh @ all the delusional, conspiracy-believing, ‘THE END IS NEAR’ Glenn Beck worshipers parading across the country. Sorry for the rude honesty, but their lack of intelligence, critical thinking skills, and rationality disgust me to no end. It’s frankly pitiful.

The same people who watch Glenn Beck are the same schizophrenic personalities who rant and rave that Obama is the Antichrist, who call into Coast to Coast to espouse their views on the ‘Illuminati,’ and who stockpile food, supplies, and ammunition so they can be ready to survive the impending ‘zombielypse’—in which all the world’s liberals suddenly turn into human-eating ghouls.
Get a grip . . . SHEESH!!

Stop listening to these uneducated ‘false prophets’ and start paying attention to real news and real commentaries. Mainstream news isn’t some collection of sinister drones intent on feeding the ‘robot masses’ false knowledge as per the desires of the great Satanic Jew (Soros? Stewart? Seinfeld? BROOKS?).

In reality (have you met her?), mainstream news is a collection of the brightest, most intelligent, and hardest working professionals who are willing to toil day in and day out in an attempt at “ finding all the disparate facts and then finding their coherence.” (Maddow)

Sighs. I truly cannot stand anymore of this nonsense. Let me tell you Beck followers something. Believe it or not, but it is SpongeBob Squarepants himself who will save us all in the end times. According to Revelations of the Retard (the Bible for autistic people), SpongeBob will squeeze his body and then unleash torrents of holy water on all the evil, nasty Socialist aliens that try to invade us. Yes, this is true.

So stop worshipping Beck and BOW your heads to the great, holy sponge!

INSERT PICTURE (I’m not a graphic designer, assholes!)

Abortion is Legal, PERIOD

Dr. Mila Means wants to be the first abortion doctor in Wichita since Dr. George Tiller was murdered in 2009. She’s an extremely brave and awesome woman, especially considering how much harassment she is facing. Her landlord is suing her, and anti-abortion activists are harassing her at home and sending her death threats. It’s a very sad and disturbing situation that begs the question, courtesy of Rachel Maddow, “What kind of nation do you want to live in?”

People have the right to peacefully protest against abortion, but they certainly do not have the right to make death threats or misuse the law for their own benefit.

INSERT PICTURE (I’m not a graphic designer, assholes!)

Men Who Sinisterly Stare At Hardheaded Senators

The military used psy-ops to convince certain individuals like Senator Al Franken and Admiral Mike Mullen to give the troops more money, supplies, and stuff like that.

Al Franken!? Really!? How hard can it possibly be to convince him of something. I understand using psy-ops on Admiral Mike Mullen, but as for Franken, that’s just pathetic, not to mention a blatant waste of resources! SHAME, SHAME, SHAME!

INSERT PICTURE (I’m not a graphic designer, assholes!)

Wisconsin Socialists Rally in Madison to Defend Their Right to Talk People’s Ears Off

Tens of thousands of members from Wisconsin’s Public Socialist Union congregated in Madison on Friday, February 25, to protest the decision by Republican Governor Anita Rich Koch to go ahead with a vote to permanently ban collective socializing, which, according to a statement she made last week, has led to an unprecedented deficit in water as per the rapid increase in dried up throats.



“As a proud father, dedicated husband, and hard-working taxpayer who has spent the last thirty years working hard for my country, I have the right to socialize as much as I want,” argued Union leader Larry Balki, a Socialist known for hosting ‘get togethers’ at local bars, starting conversations with random strangers, and teaching autistic children how to engage in meaningless social banter. “That Governor Koch would demonize us for exercising our American right to socialize among ourselves is absolutely mind-boggling and utterly deplorable.”

Also present at the protest was the notorious Shhh Party, a collection of likeminded individuals who endorse reduced government spending except for the case of bumper cars, which they believe is the greatest form of entertainment since WWE wrestling; the reduction of national debt by any means necessary except for the taxation of corporations, which they believe are the physical manifestations of God; and total adherence to the original U.S. Constitution except for when it interferes with their desires, which they hold to be more self-evident and truer than everyone else’s desires.

“These lazy-ass Socialist bastards just sit around all day chit chatting in public places!” exclaimed Shhh Party supporter Andrew Mightfart, a nationally renowned and controversial blogger known for manipulating video footage to make it appear as if the Earth is being invaded by Socialist aliens and making false allegations regarding black bears, which he feels hold racist views against their polar bear counterparts. “And when they get thirsty, they drink up all our public drinking water.”

He continued, “Every drop of water they use to satiate their dried up throats takes away from people like me—people who know how to shut up and stay quiet except for when defending good ol’ Koch.”

Despite mass support from fellow Republicans and the Shhh Party, and despite winning the first round of votes, Governor Koch still faces an extremely difficult and uphill battle. Adding to her tribulations are accusations from the Socialist-leaning media that she purposefully fabricated a water deficit to discredit the Socialist Union. Some media commenters have even gone so far as to allege that Koch is in fact merely a puppet for billionaire brothers Chuck and Davie Dicks.

“Governor Koch is simply following orders from the Dicks brothers, two ridiculously old and senile billionaires whose fragile ears can’t handle the purportedly ‘excessive’ social conversation occurring in America,” said MSNBC television news journalist Mikey Burlachenko, an unofficial Socialist despised by anti-Socialists for his pesky on-air habit of vehemently defending Socialist policies. “Instead of imposing their warped views on everybody else, perhaps the Dicks should just invest in some earplugs!”

Burlachenko went on to imply that the Dicks are also responsible for the movement to disbar Social Security, a 76-year-old policy designed to ensure that elderly men and women are provided with a publicly funded friend that they can spend time with and talk to. President Franklin D. Roosevelt signed Social Security into law during the Great Depression, a sad period of American history during which more than five million senior citizens committed suicide to escape what has been referred to historians as an “incessant loneliness unlike anything ever seen before in American history.”

“The Dicks hate anything and everything related to the betterment of society,” argued Burlachenko. “If Socialists don’t stand up to them here and now, we may soon lose everything that we hold dear, including our elderly grandparents, whom we love dearly but refuse to talk to because they bore us to death”

Nobody has thus far been able to speak to the Dicks regarding the allegations except for a Wichita Buffalo Wings employee, ‘Ionisha McMurphy, who accidentally dialed up the office of Dicks Industries on Wednesday. Spurred by a speech that she had heard earlier in the day on MSNBC from Mr. Burlachenko, whom she considers to be a “fine piece of man meat,” ‘Ionisha decided to test her luck by pretending to be Governor Anita Koch and then asking to speak directly with Davie Dicks.

According to a transcript of the conversation she had with Mr. Dicks, she asked him whether the movement to destroy Socialism would work, to which he replied, “Hell yes, it will work! We have no other choice but to make it work! My ears hurt and I’m genuinely concerned about our water supply!”

She then asked Mr. Dicks whether he’s concerned at all about all the money it will cost to eradicate Socialism, to which he replied, “Absolutely not. Unlike money, water is a finite and limited resource that we humans depend on to survive.”

He added, “I mean come on, what type of greedy bastard do you take me for!?”

F.I.N.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

PHEW. I’ve been working very hard to complete all this, and I feel really good about it. Hard work pays off. It doesn’t always put money in your pocket, but it does always make you feel good inside. And at the end of the day, that’s what it’s all about, baby! Mind you, the ending of my satire could have been better. I’m one of those people who DEMAND excellent endings. Unfortunately, coming up with a good ending is perhaps the most difficult task for any writer!

PS #1. Uh . . . OH, there was a boy on the Tonight Show named Jackson Murphy. He’s a brilliant, 12-year-old movie critic! This kid is off tha chain! Make sure to look up him and read his reviews!

PS #2. I might be watching the King’s Speech tomorrow! I found a 720p version of it, but it’s been divided into four files, which means I have to click on another file every 30 minutes. And well, that’s kind of annoying. I may end up just going with Soloman Kane instead. We shall see!

PS #3. My dog has become overweight. She was supposedly only 35 lbs when I got her, but now she’s up to 56 lbs! I’ve tried putting her on a diet before, but she uses insidious methods—constantly licking her lips, constantly sighing, and constantly giving me sad, evil stares—to torment my neurotic, OCD ass. So I’ve gone ol’ school on her by purchasing really cheap, nasty-tasting food that she’ll only eat when she’s really really hungry. For the next month I’m going to exercise her like a maniac. The goal is to get her down to 45 pounds. I can’t tolerate a fat girlfriend, and she’s the closest thing to a girlfriend I got right now!!!

PS #4. Time Warner Cable Internet service sucks!

PS #5. I’m f**king out of thoughts, man.

Night all!

February 18th | Benjamin Franklin (JuStyle Entertainment - T-Top The King, Mr. Him Hot, Yung Louie)

Raleigh STAND UP

This time I chose a rap song because I want to give a shout out to the return of Raleigh native T-Top the King, aka another one of Raleigh’s finest!

Evening. Today I’m going for a very casual approach. I wouldn’t even be writing anything if it weren’t for the fact that I have some stuff I need to get off my chest. Expect it to be more passionate and irrational than usual, not to mention grammatically incorrect beyond belief. I’ll be back next week, God Willing, with satire so deep it burns right through some sucker’s soul (yeah right, lol).

I was thinking about doing a piece about Obama, Boehner, and Cantor being forced to retake highschool math. And then I had the idea of doing a piece about the 2011 Budget Bowl. And then I had the idea of doing a piece about my dog winning the ‘biggest belly-rub slut’ Guinness World Record.

But I just don’t have a clear-enough head to write something deep and satirical and all that shit right now. I’m burned out, man.

Anyway.

Everybody Sucks

I’m unhappy with both the republicans and democrats right now, including President Obama. Everybody is acting like a stupid ass, and it’s time somebody laid the smack down!

Republicans

Republicans keep reiterating that we’re in a financial crisis and that we need to make cuts to Social Security, Medicare, and Medicaid. I agree with this to an extent. However, their actions don’t match their words.

Instead we have loony-tune republican lawmakers all across the country who’re trying to destroy Unions by doing away with collective bargaining; who’re trying to push through legislation that could potentially allow extremists to kill abortion doctors and then claim they did so to protect an unborn child; who’re trying to defund Planned Parenthood and Obamacare; and who’re trying to allow guns in church in case, you know, a pastor needs to bust a cap in a heathen.

And don’t even get me started on their desire to cut/destroy NPR, PBS, Big Bird, and of course the EPA. Plus they think it’s important that we keep providing subsidies to oil companies, which by the way make ridiculously high profits.

Meanwhile, we have the whole republican community going bonkers over potential presidential candidate Chris Christie, whom I myself admittedly somewhat like. I worry though that I like him only because of his bubbly personality. He’s charming and very funny. And for some odd reason, he reminds me of Doug Heffernan from the King of Queens. Plus he has a wobbly double-chin like Jay Leno. What’s not to like?

Here’s the problem with Christie. If I’m not mistaken, he’s against unions. In addition, he recently signed a $4 billion dollar tax increase that will manifest "in the form of higher electric rates." However, if I’m not mistaken again (I may be), he’s against an increase in corporate taxes.

In fact, no republican wants to raise corporate taxes because companies will leave their state. I have a huge problem with this mentality. Maybe I’m viewing it the wrong way, but this is how I see it:

Dude is making a 4-million dollar profit per month, $750,000 of which goes into his pockets. An increase in tax comes about and now he’s making only a 3.5-million dollar profit per month and therefore only bringing home $656,000.

Oh, the humanity! How am I going to take care of my family?

Again, maybe I’m viewing the situation wrong. But it just seems like these business owners are greedy beyond belief. And it really irritates me.

Let me tell you something. The American dream is to be successful enough to work hard at something you love, take care of your family, and have a little leftover time to self actualize. It's not to make so much money you can live a luxurious life. Getting the latter is nice if you're lucky enough to do it, but it cannot be got on the backs of everybody else!

You know, I work hard as hell at my writing and satire (except this week and maybe next week as well), despite the fact that I get no pay for it. Hell, I actually LOSE MONEY by wasting Thursdays on it instead of focusing on my ACTUAL WORK. The truth is that I would love to get paid for all my efforts, but you don't see me complaining because ultimately, I'm doing it because I love it!

Morale of the Story: Meaning > Money!

I guess I just feel like these business owners are spoiled children who’re getting their way by threatening to leave states. Again, maybe I’m missing something here. But in case I’m not missing anything, then these whack governors need to stop sucking corporate knob and start treating these whiny-ass business owners the way they treat everybody else!

Anyway.

One thing that really impressed me was when the Tea Party teamed up with some republicans and some democrats to get rid of that pesky backup engine for the F-35 Fighter. I don’t know whether Boehner and Cantor supported it because they want to help their community or because they want to get re-elected, and I don’t care. The program was useless and needed to be terminated!

Other than that, I haven’t trusted republicans in the past, I don’t trust republicans at the moment, and at this rate I’ll never trust republicans.

On the bright side, I now mistrust the Tea Party slightly less than I mistrust republicans. It’d be nice, though, if they’d stand up for the teachers, garbage collectors, and other humble government servants who are protesting in Wisconsin. Instead we have this to deal with:

“This is an important stance for the Tea Party,” Breitbart said. “The Tea Party is perpetuating safe, clean, wholesome rhetoric and activity versus the violent, racial, hateful and revolutionary rhetoric coming from the organized left.”

Is he 4 real? That’s like Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad claiming Saane Zhaleh was one of his men. Mr. Breitbart, if you want to protest the protesters, then be my guest, but stop with the bullshit. Just because some of the protesters are secretly playing Whack-a-Republican-Mole on their iPhone doesn’t mean they’re acting in any way even remotely violent.

Democrats

This week President Obama released a budget that cuts Pell Grants and energy assistance to the poor but barely tackles the debt. I know why he did it. He wants to show Americans, especially republicans, that he’s willing to make sacrifices.

The problem is that he’s in complete denial about the financial state of the union. Instead of cutting tiny programs that barely cost money but make a great impact, he needs to take a metaphorical electric chainsaw to entitlements, in my opinion. Slice through that sucker like you’d slice through a jive turkey, my brotha! *fist pump*

Democrats are also interested in raising corporate taxes, but they seem too afraid to stand up to big business. Again, I realize that Obama is trying to appease republican interests, but I wish he and other politicians would focus more on gettin’ er’ dun’ versus ensuring they win the next election. I’d rather have a 4-year president who tears the roof off the sucker versus an eight-year president who doesn’t do jack shit—not to dare insinuate in any way, shape, or form that President Obama hasn’t accomplished a great deal.

I just think that democrats need to accept our financial situation, agree to cut entitlements, end the war (I support it ideologically, but it’s fiscally irresponsible) and then force the republicans to give up all the taxes, subsidies, and whatever other loopholes their big business buddies use to line their greasy pockets. As someone sitting at the bottom, I’m more than willing to give up my benefits so long as the GOP & big business are willing to give up theirs.

If republicans and big business refuse to make any sacrifices, then I expect democrats to snub their asses. The last thing I want is for the dems to just bend over and take it in the rumper. (I really don’t mean to sound like Sarah Palin tonight!)

Look, this country is full of very frustrated people—people who toil away endlessly at meaningless jobs to earn petty wages that barely get them by. They’re not in the mood to play, as should be clearly evident by what’s happening in Wisconsin. They and I and we are all tired of the endless bullshit. Politicians say one thing but do something else altogether almost every single time. Quit the bullshit, get your heads on right, shut the fuck up, and do your jobs. Please.

Sorry. I’m usually a sane and rational guy, but sometimes I get really frustrated with what’s happening, that’s all. I’m just frankly fed up with the political bullshit. Democracy is great and all, but it’s so annoying. It’s literally a never-ending battle. Not a got damn thing ever changes. And just when it gets ready to change, some asshole comes up out of nowhere to try and defund the change.

By the way, I'm being very generous by supporting cutting entitlements, what with the fact that I'm a liberal. Just remember that . . .

The Huffington Blog Post

I’m very disillusioned folks. I discovered this week that all the content on The Huffington Post is written by dumbasses just like me! The horror! I thought that they featured articles written by, you know, REAL JOURNALISTS!

I’m a bit annoyed because I hate to see bloggers putting in work for nothing while others get rich. Mind you, I kind of do the same thing. There is one fundamental difference, though. Whereas the work of Huffington Post bloggers puts money in the pockets of Arianna Huffington, a woman, the work I post on Craigslist puts money in the pockets of Craig Newmark, a guy.

Yo, it’s bros over hos, dude!

Just kidding, lol.

At least I make something off my work. I post my best material on AssociatedContent, where it subsequently nets me 1 penny per every 10 views.

Hey…. I’d rather be worth a penny than be worth nothing!

But on a serious note, I’m very disappointed to know I’m reading blogs. I’m all for blogging, but when it comes to real news, I kind of prefer professionals. :-/

---------------------------------------------------------------

That’s it for this week, folks! I’m just not in the mood for serious thinking tonight. However, here are some great links to keep you busy. And oh, keep an eye out for some HOT FYA’ next week, lol.

If you’re interested in some laughs, then check out The Onion.

If you’re interested in some Southern adventure, check out Lizard Lick Towing.

If you’re interested in hardcore southern white boy gangsta rap, then check out Eminem’s protégé, Yelawolf, courtesy of Carson Daly.

If you’re interested in some local music, check out JuStyle Entertainment (The Return of T-Top the King!).

And if you’re interested in some sex, then go fuck yourself!

PS – Again, sorry for the passion, but this is just one of those weeks. Don’t take it personally though because right now I’d gladly smack both republicans AND democrats!

February 12th | Golden Time of Day (Frankie Beverly / Maze) - Praise Unto Egypt!

Evening. I hope everyone had a great week! I myself have had a very inspirational week, courtesy of Congressman Joe Scarborough and CNN columnist Ruben Navarrette Jr. Today I hope to try to respectfully rebut a column by Mr. Scarborough. I also plan on mocking Islamophobes who are paranoid that teaching children Arabic will lead to an Islamic caliphate.

Anyway. Enough with the drama. Let’s get to the one-man show!

If Facebook isn’t the problem, then what is?

In a column published Tuesday in Poltico, Congressman Joe Scarborough expressed his dismay over how the Internet has supposedly tainted our culture by promoting a form of “instant intimacy” that is devoid of those qualities inherent to building meaningful relationships.

Mr. Scarborough was especially perturbed by Facebook, which he believes “is cynically feeding the narcissistic appetites of a self-consumed culture that is populated by teenage vulgarians, desperate housewives and bored men.” He also said that Facebook is distracting students and professionals from their work.

Though Mr. Scarborough’s claim that Facebook disrupts productivity certainly reigns true—I waste at least two hours per day reading and responding to status updates; mind you, the majority of them are related to news—all his other allegations seem both superfluous and lacking in evidence.

According to Mr. Scarborough, social networking sites like Facebook are hampering our ability as humans to bond with one another on a genuinely intimate level. However, what is to say that online interactions are any less meaningful than face-to-face interactions. Perhaps I’m simply blinded by autism, which greatly inhibits my ability to relate with others on a face-to-face basis, but personally, I have found Facebook to be a wonderful tool for establishing and maintaining meaningful contact with others.

As a young child, I never spoke a word to my peers. Even during recess, I merely stood on the outskirts of the kickball field, lost in my own imagination. After being diagnosed with Asperger syndrome and subsequently medicated in 7th grade, I gradually started speaking to others, though only when absolutely necessary.

Fifteen years have passed since I was diagnosed, yet I still experience great trepidation when dealing with others in the real world. No matter how much I practice communicating by voice, I will likely always be inhibited to one degree or another by autism. This, however, doesn’t hold true for the Internet—a world in which I’m free to express myself without either fear or shame.

Granted, when I first began my online journey, I had no shame. I was a vulgar teenage ruffian bent on “talking mad stuff,” “smacking haters,” and displaying my purported intellectual dominance. But as I grew up, so did my online persona. I began using proper grammar and punctuation, I started thinking before I typed, and I gradually became a successful and productive ‘cyber citizen’ with a bevy of ‘cyber jobs’ and ‘cyber friends.’

I still have a few real-life associates with whom I share laughs or beers every now and again, but frankly, none of them have ever provided me with as much intellectual stimulation and down-to-Earth conversation as my Facebook friends. Perhaps this is due to my inability to attract worthwhile friends. Regardless, I would gladly give up my so-called ‘real friends’ any day over my online friends. They may not know my mannerisms and how badly I smell, but they certainly know me better than those in real life.

I realize, though, that I don’t represent the majority of Americans. There are many cases of perfectly socially capable men and women who’ve developed an obsessive relationship with the Internet, and in doing so jeopardized relationships with not only their friends, but also their family as well. By the same token, there are countless folks who are almost too social—to the point that they have more real-life friends than the average Facebook user. They wander about from bar to bar, befriending anyone who seems friendly enough. Aren’t their relationships as devoid of meaning as those online relationships Mr. Scarborough so fervently claims are destroying the very essence of human intimacy?

A wholeheartedly agree with Mr. Scarborough that “maybe we should all start paying closer attention to who we are becoming as a society.” An emotional disconnect has pervaded our society. This is evident by the tragic rise in juvenile criminals, mass shootings, and outright hatred like none I’ve ever witnessed before in my life. Nevertheless, I’m certain in my heart that simply hitting the ‘log out’ button will not solve any our problems as a society. These issues of detachment, obsession, and dare I say frolic (think ‘Jersey Show’) plaguing our society are endemic to much larger problems.

I understand that Facebook itself can be a problem, but so can anything else: money (gambling), food (obesity), sex (STDs), and even love (obsession). So instead of bemoaning the creation of a new form of communication, one that has greatly benefited many people like me, not to mention those individuals fighting for freedom in tyrannical regimes like Egypt, shouldn’t we instead try to determine what exactly is causing such disharmony among us—be it the erosion of values, the rise in vitriolic rhetoric, or even poor parenting?

You know, my life revolves around the Internet, but that doesn’t mean I don’t realize the value of real-life relationships. Nothing can ever replace that which links me to my parents, my brother, my cousins, my aunts, my uncles, and my grandmother. To me, Facebook is only a tool—a means to an end. I imagine that the majority of all Facebook users share this sentiment.

That said, why is there still such a disconnect among us? Why do some people put the Internet over their real friends and family? Why do some folks cherish their random bar friends more than they do those whom they’ve known all their lives? Why do some teenagers spend all day texting on the phone? Why am I unable to find meaningful friendship in the real world?

I don’t know the answer to any of the questions. All I know is that Facebook isn’t the problem. But the question remains: what is?


Beware: Children Who Learn Bunny Talk More Likely To Become Terrorists

Washington—In a public announcement Friday morning, renowned cultural scientist Sir Glenn Blehk warned parents and teachers about the dangers of Bunny Talk electives, claiming that children who learn Bunny Talk are 75% more likely to don bunny costumes, join Bunny terror cells, and eventually wage Bunny war against America’s precious gardens.



Sir Blehk’s announcement comes amid a brewing controversy concerning the rise in Bunny Talk electives being offered at public schools. As of February 2011, 95% of American high schools now offer Bunny Talk electives, the most common being Bunny Talk 101: What’s Up, Doc; Bunny Talk 102: Locating Pristine Gardens; Bunny Talk 103: Uprooting Tasty Carrots; and Bunny Talk 104: Waging Bunny Jihad.

“It’s all part of President Barak Hussein Obama, former President George W. Bush, and Bunny leader Bugs Bunny’s plan to implement a New World Bunny Garden,” Sir Blehk explained to reporters during the announcement, while using a chalkboard to draw the three aforementioned individuals and then connect them to one another with crooked lines. “Groups from the hardcore socialist and Communist left have joined forces with the Bunnies because they are a common enemy of gardeners and people who like carrot cake.”

Sir Blehk claims that the Bunnies’ hope is to topple the carrot cake industry, which, according to a statement released by Bugs Bunny in late 2010, “has left thousands of my brothers and sisters without enough carrots to eat.” A representative from the World Food Programme confirmed Bugs’ allegations, noting that in 2010 alone, over 250,000 Bunnies died from lack of nourishment.

“They think that by destroying the carrot cake industry, they can force the government into building them their own carrot garden,” said Beck, a scowl quickly forming on his face. “And since these cowards are too afraid to wage war by themselves, they’re essentially employing our children to do it for them.”

Ever since former President Bush took office in 2001, over 2,500 new child terrorist organizations have formed across the country. The majority of them are believed to be directly linked to the Bunny Jihad movement, though a small subset is tied to the equally dangerous Yogi Bear Jihad movement, which seeks to halt reruns of ‘The Yogi Bear Show’ on the basis that they’re insulting to bears.

One such child terrorist is twelve-year-old Elizabeth Hasselblehk (no relation to Sir Glenn Blehk), who, according to her mother, fled their home in Memphis mid November 2010.

“My husband and I thought that letting little Lizzy take Bunny Talk electives would give her a chance to expand her horizon and learn about another culture,” said Elizabeth’s mother, dabbing tears from her eyes. “But something . . . something happened, and Lizzy starting changing for the worst.”

She continued, “Then Halloween came around, and she begged us to buy her a bunny outfit. We obliged, thinking it would distract her from Bunny Talk. But it only pushed her further down the road of fanaticism.”

The FBI, which has been tracking Elizabeth, said that after she finished Bunny Talk 104 in mid November, she fled to Bugs Bunny’s hidden compound, where she was taught Advanced Bunny Talk. Soon after, she formed her own terror network and began tutoring other children who were interested in becoming Bunny Jihadists.

Elizabeth has since garnered a position on the FBI’s Most Wanted Terrorists list alongside other notable Bunny Jihadists like Bugs Bunny, the Bionic Bunny, and Oswald ‘the Lucky’ Rabbit, who was convicted in 2008 of killing a gardener, but managed to ‘luckily’ flee before he could be sentenced.

“We tried to arrest Elizabeth two weeks ago, but she scampered off so fast that we lost her,” said FBI agent Leroy Stone.

“Then two days later we received a letter from her that said, 'Gee, ain’t I a stinker?'” he added, frustratedly banging his fist into his desk.

Sadly, Elizabeth is merely one of tens of thousands of young children who have become seduced by Bunny Talk and Bunny Jihad. According to Sir Glenn Blehk, if America doesn’t ban Bunny Talk electives and start persecuting Bunnies outright, there may soon come a time when such delicacies like carrot cake, baby carrots, and Carrot Top shows become just mere memories from the past.

“I just can’t bear to think of it anymore,” said Sir Blehk. “Take me now, Jesus!”

F.I.N.

---------------------------------------

#1. If you like sports, check out this hilarious satire piece courtesy of the Onion:

Kids In 'Scared-Straight' Program Visit Horrifying Cleveland Cavaliers Practice

#2. Thank you, Congressman Joe Scarborough, for inspiring the UNPAID column.

#3. Thank you, Ruben Navarrette Jr., for inspiring the UNPAID satire.

#4. God Bless the people of Egypt!

#5. Fuck Glenn Blehhhhhhhhhhhk!

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I’m a teenage vulgarian. I know ;-). Lol j/k.

pEaCe

-- No bulletin board 2nite. Very tired and just want to relax and get wasted.

January 28th | Ain’t Nothin’ Goin’ On But The Rent (You Got To Have A J-O-B If You Want To Be With Me) - Gwen Guthrie

I chose this song courtesy of Mr. Michael Baisden because there are too many people in this world who refuse to work hard and take responsibility for their actions. I have all the love in the world for unemployed people who struggle everyday trying to find employment, but I have no sympathy for those who make no effort at all. Even during the darkest hours of my life, I always at least made an effort.

Proceed with Caution: The satire at the end may be highly offensive to some people.

Good Evening, Raleigh and beyond! I don’t know about you all, but I had a terrific week, due in no small part to Obama’s invigorating and inspirational speech. It really boosted my spirit and renewed my confidence in this great country of ours. I agreed with practically everything he said, especially those statements regarding family & education, clean energy & infrastructure, corporate regulation & commonsense safeguards, tolerance & civility, pre-existing conditions and universal healthcare, and the end of the Iraq War & the continuation of the Afghan War. In my opinion, he didn’t just kill it; he KILLT it!

I just hope he has a clear-cut answer to that still lingering question: Just how the heck does he plan to accomplish all that!?

Anyway, today I want to focus my blog on Social Security, a subject about which I know very little. I conducted some preliminary research on Wikipedia, and I intend to use my next month’s e-cigarette commissions (BUY MY E-CIGARETTES) to buy books on Social Security, socialism, fascism, communism, and bourbonism (the study of bourbon), but for now, just please bear with me.

Anyhow. Here in its completed form is my amateur-hour, op-ed piece/report on Social Security:

Are We In A Crisis? If So, What Should We Cut?

Social Security was enacted in 1935 by thirty-second President Franklin D Roosevelt as a means to provide financial security to retirees. Over time, additional amendments were added to cover such hardships as disability, unemployment, and poverty.

Republicans claim that Social Security—which has been successful for over 75 years—is in a crisis, but democrats say otherwise. Let’s assume for a moment that it is indeed in a crisis. Republicans contend that there are only two ways to undo this crisis: cut “entitlements,” or privatize Social Security by allowing Wall Street brokers to invest it in the stock market.

If Social Security is actually in a crisis, then it makes sense that we must adjust the way it functions. However, privatizing it is not a valid option. Though the chance of earning amazingly high rates of return sounds peachy, the risk involved is absolutely unacceptable. What would happen if the stock market were to crash like it did in 2008? Any workers who reached the retirement age immediately after the crash would lose all their savings.

That said, I will now examine Social Security’s seven sub-programs, and provide my opinion on what adjustments, if any, would be okay to make:

Federal Old-Age (Retirement), Survivors, and Disability Insurance (OASDI)

Unemployment Benefits

Temporary Assistance for Needy Families (TANF)

Health Insurance for Aged and Disabled (Medicare)

Grants to States for Medical Assistance Programs (Medicaid)

State Children's Health Insurance Program (SCHIP)

Supplemental Security Income (SSI)

The first one, OASDI, relies on dedicated payroll taxes to provide monetary benefits to workers who retire, become disabled, or die, in which case the survivors get the benefits. Since the benefits received are based strictly on how much one pays into the system, this program is not an ‘entitlement.’ Therefore, it should not be touched.

Unemployment Benefits, on the other hand, are based on federal unemployment taxes (FUTA). It just so happens that employers, not employees, pay this tax. Therefore, it is an entitlement. As such, republicans have the right to cut it if necessary. I urge them, however, to please consider the enormous unemployment rate before making any rash decisions.

TANF is a bit more complicated. According to the Texas Health and Human Services Commission, “The total amount of time the parent or relative can receive TANF ranges from 12 to 36 months and is based on his or her education, work experience, and personal or economic situation. There are no time limits for children.” This is partly an entitlement, yet it’s not. Though reducing this program could potentially save money, I greatly urge republicans to look elsewhere for cuts.

The next one, Medicare, was enacted in 1965 by thirty-sixth President Lyndon B. Johnson. Partially funded by payroll taxes, Medicare provides health insurance coverage for up to 80% of costs to the elderly, and those individuals who were either born disabled or became permanently disabled. Since it is, at most, only “partially” an entitlement, only a partial amount of it should be subject to adjustment. Once again, I urge republicans to think wisely, lest they screw over a lot of needy Americans.

The most controversial program, Medicaid, provides health coverage to low-income U.S. citizens and resident aliens who are old, disabled, or just poor. Unlike Medicare, Medicaid is a full entitlement, in that the state and federal government pays for all of it. Unfortunately, many people abuse it, including Yours Truly; I receive free psychiatric care and prescription medication, though I could afford insurance if I merely gave up a few bad habits. With this in mind, I see no reason why Medicaid should be exempt from adjustment.

Next up is SCHIP, which uses federal funds to cover uninsured children from low-income families that make too much to qualify for Medicaid. It’s an entitlement, but it’s one geared toward children, which is why I’m hesitant to recommend cutting it. However, I don’t appreciate financially insecure women getting pregnant, and subsequently applying for SCHIP. It’s sad that children have to suffer, but the issue of parental responsibility does play a role, so I’m at a loss here.

The last one, SSI, uses money from the U.S. Treasury general funds to assist low-income individuals who are old, blind, or disabled. This is obviously an entitlement, but it’s a deserved entitlement—or at least for the first two. The disability clause disturbs me because I once knew a more-than-capable fellow who used his undeserved SSI benefits to pay his rent, and subsequently panhandled on the streets for alcohol & dope money. I want elderly, blind, and truly disabled persons to receive the entitlements they are due, but I also want stricter regulations to be enforced, so that individuals of a darker breed cannot take advantage of the system.

--

Social Security has been with us as a nation for almost an entire century. It’s a powerful and much-needed program that has provided a sense of security to countless Americans—the elderly, the disabled, the temporarily unemployed, and even those blessed individuals trying their hardest to escape poverty. Unfortunately, Social Security has also become a tool for lazy, sinister individuals who prefer to ask what their country can do for them, versus what they can do for their country.

It’s obvious to me that certain parts of Social Security should be modified for the purpose of wringing out the leeches. As for the purpose of reducing our national debt, I, as an American citizen, will only allow Agent Orange, 4-Eyes the No-Good, and their crew of flunkies to adjust Social Security if and only if they give up the tax break for the rich that they cried their hearts out to achieve. If they want the most needy Americans to sacrifice, then they themselves must be prepared to sacrifice as well.

And if they don’t want to do that, then they can…………



PS – This week Lawrence O'Donnell said that a column should be, at minimum, 800 words. Try 970 words on for size, sucka (haha, j/k. This is much more of a report than it is a column. Mind you, I doubt O’Donnell’s columns ever featured a RAD picture, haha.).

I’m Not A Balloon Head, But I Do Have A Big Head

It’s time for my favorite part! What would one of my blogs be without some self-absorbed indulgence? This is to me what a piece of cake is to a blithering, overweight debate-student wannabe who fails to convince an audience why American exceptionalism is the best form of exceptionalism. Speaking of which, no matter how much cake you eat, Rush, you’ll always suck in America’s eyes. Haha. Sorry!

#1. Speaking Hypodermically, Of Course

I made some startling discoveries this week. I don’t think I want to be either a pundit or correspondent. I realize what you’re thinking: “What the heck makes you think you’ll ever be on TV?” I’m just speaking hyporetardedly, okay!? Regardless, I don’t like to talk, and like Edna St. Vincent Millay, I love humanity but I hate people. Suffice it to say, I quite prefer working in the quiet solitude of my own home.

That said, my focus has switched toward trying to become a columnist, satirist, or… blogger!? I look very negatively at blogging, as it’s nonprofessional artform that lacks the credibility of the actual news media, but I suppose it’s an option. My über liberal brother keeps pushing the blogging idea on me, but I haven’t been very receptive to it. Quite frankly, I think it’s a solution for underachievers.

My best bet would be to pursue a B.A. in Journalism and a Masters in Political Science, but that’s not an option, lol. This is reality, not La-La land. As the song goes, “Ain’t Nothin’ Goin’ On But The Rent.” That in mind, I’m going to just keep doing what I love doing: writing. Hopefully many people will keep reading and linking to it, and one day I’ll get the recognition I think I deserve. In the meantime, I’m going to keep using alcohol to convince myself that I’m something much much much greater than I actually am, lol ;-).

#2. To Kill Or Not To Kill The Bunny

You know, if Glenn Beck wasn’t such a right-wing fanatic, I could really start to like the guy. There’s nothing quite like a man holding a rabbit while asking, in the accent of Laurence Olivier, “I’m like a really crappy evil villain, aren’t I?” Yes, Sir, you certainly are! It’s unfortunate because you are also a funny guy with a cute, boy-next-door personality, and no, I’m not gay.

To be honest, Glenn Beck doesn’t scare me that much. What truly scares me are all his fans. They’re oftentimes the ones talking about an upcoming revolution, the overthrow of the U.S. government, and Obama’s birth records. Sighs. Glenn, do yourself a favor and turn to the light, my son! In due time, you’ll find that it’s much better to be a rational moderate than it is to be a loony-tunes “balloon head” (Chris!).

#3. I Hate Ubers

Speaking of crazy people, I truly cannot stand fanatics—regardless of whether they’re conservatives or liberals. There are too many people who barely pay attention to the news, yet assert without any doubt that there will be a revolution, or that conservatives or liberals are all evil. It’s annoying. What happened to the all the grown ups and sane people? And why must I always be labeled?

I’m not a pot-smoking, hippy liberal; I’m just a pot-smoking liberal. And I’m not a gun-toting conservative; I’m just fiscally conservative, though I’m still very new to this whole ‘being responsible’ thing. At the end of the day, I’m a left-leaning moderate. I’m not trying to take sides and dig a deep trench. I’m just trying to be sane, rational, and objective. That’s it.

By the way, SIGHS, I know several liberals who claim that what’s happening in Egypt is a precursor to a revolution that will occur here in the U.S. Really? If my preliminary and somewhat rushed research is correct (I’m running out of time), then in Egypt you can't criticize the president, you can't criticize any religions, and you CAN get away with beating a woman. So how in the hell is the U.S. in any way, shape, or form anything like Egypt?

SMDH (Shaking My Damn Head) at all the crazies! Stop smoking pot, start reading and watching the news, and more importantly, PAY ATTENTION!

Report: China Overtakes U.S. As World’s Best Lovers

Americans received a wake-up call Friday morning when the Asia Pacific Society for Sexual Mastery (APSSM) released a report claiming that Chinese men and women rank number one globally in genital size, sexual technique, and overall in-the-sack performance, far outpacing their American peers.



The report, published in the most recent issue of Americans Who Have Foreign Affairs, supports recent speculation that America’s propensity to out-thrust and out-maneuver its international competitors is quickly losing steam.

“It all comes down to quality education,” a jubilant APSSM spokesman, Hung Very Low, said while shamelessly squeezing his crotch with his hand right, which seemed disproportionately small in comparison to his professed genital girth. “Starting at the age of 5, young Chinese boys and girls are taught to imitate the greatest porn stars of all time, including Rocco Siffredi, Marilyn Chambers, and Ron Jeremy, whom we refer to as The Chosen One.”

The study also revealed that America’s Gross Domestic Penis Length (GDPL), which measures the total value of all American penis lengths combined, has dropped to a record low of 700 million inches among 140 million men, while the Chinese GDPL has risen to a whopping 3300 million inches among 550 million men. This translates to per capita rates of approximately 5 inches and 6 inches, respectively, which means that the average Chinese penis is now 1 inch longer than the average American penis.

“This substantial change in penis length, at least from the Chinese perspective, can be exclusively attributed to the 1991 release of Taony the Tiger’s instrumental parenting guide, What Chinese Parents Can Do To Make Sure Their Young Boys Grow Up To Have Bigger And Better Penises Than Their Stupid, Democracy-Loving Counterparts In America,” Hung Low noted. “Since its release, China’s GDLP per capita has been steadily rising at a rate of .05 inches per year.”

According to the report, another aspect that has greatly contributed to China’s sexual dominance is its sex-toy manufacturing industry, which was reformed and modernized in late 1999 by former President Jiang Zemin. Prior to 1999, most retail sex toys in China were imported from the United States. By investing in manufacturing and subsequently decreasing China’s reliance on foreign sex toys, President Jiang inadvertently helped skyrocket China’s sexual pride.

“What is a country without its own nationally branded sex toys?” Hung asked.

“It would be like Americans driving Japanese Hondas, Isuzus, and Mitsubishis,” Hung remarked, chuckling at the audacity of such an outlandish thought.

Despite the substantial losses in genital size and sexual pride, many Americans still remain in denial. Only two hours after the report was released, republicans congregated outside the Capitol building to protest against what they referred to as “outrageous, Communist lies perpetrated by President Obama.” The situation grew so out of control that House Speaker John Boehner was arrested for showcasing his boner.

“If Americans don’t start facing the reality of what’s happening around us, the same thing will happen to them that happened to Boehner,” Professor of Sexuality Charles Leonia from the University of Alabama told reporters at a press conference immediately following the ordeal in Washington, D.C.

He continued, “We must accept the truth and then work to change the very fabric of our country if we are to ever catch back up with the Chinese. It will require investing in quality-sex education, U.S. sex toy manufacturing—and even infrastructure. Without quality roads that our children can use to drive up to Makeout Hill, how will they ever learn to fuck correctly?”

Are Americans’ days as the greatest lovers on Earth gone for good, or is there still a chance they can redeem their former status as masters of penetration? It’s a complicated question with no clear-cut answer. Many remain hopeful, though, that the president will do everything he can to ensure America soon rises back up like an excited penis, and reclaims its place at the top.

Speaking of the president, Obama had only this to say about the report: “They may be better in the sack, and they may even have bigger dicks than most of us, though certainly not me, but their balls will never be as big as ours!”

---------

Thank you for reading! I apologize if the satire seemed a bit weak this week. It’s extremely hard to come up with a hit every week!!!! Speaking of which, I may take next week off. I’m a bit burned out (I am not Keith Olbermann, aka the KING OF ALL COLUMNISTS). I wrote on Christmas, on New Year, and even on my birthday. I think I deserve a break! Mind you, I’ll still try my hardest to push something out, but there’s a slight chance I may just say end up saying, “Screw it!” Anyway, have a great night, ya’ll!

PS - Thank you to all the wonderful pundits and correspondents at MSNBC and the Daily Show and the Colbert Report, and all the news reporters from the Huffington Post, CNN, and 1000+ other news websites for keeping me so well informed!

Friday, the 22 | Eye in the Sky (Alan Parsons Project)

Song courtesy of Mr. George Noory. He sometimes pisses me off, but overall he's a pretty cool guy with a golden heart. I just wish he wasn't so damn naive. Bruh... gremlins are not going to eat out your brains!(LOL, j/k)

Good Evening, city of Raleigh and possibly beyond! I don’t know about all of you, but I spent most of the week reading and watching way more news than any 29-year-old man should. Therefore, it should come as no surprise that my mind is teeming with thoughts concerning such issues like Wake County’s “disintegration policy,” Sarah Palin’s dwindling career, the rise of Chinese “imperialism,” Rush Limbaugh, adolescence #2, purported “ass kissers,” tiger parenting, stay-at-home fathers, the need for stricter gun control laws, and whether Willie Geist’s eyes are brown or blue (j/k; and yes, I know I’m a jackass).

Since Friday is my birthday and I’m feeling awfully unmotivated and confused (see adolescence #2), I’m not going to cover everything. I’m just going to start writing and see how far I can get. Wish me well!

One Note: This blog is chockablock with raunchy humor. I want to apologize in advance if I offend anyone. Just to let you know, my goals are quite simple:

#1. Make you think.
#2. Make you want to have my baby.
#3. And make you LAUGH!

If I garner any other reaction from you, then I’m sorry. I really am.

Raleigh Bulletin Board

#1. Raleigh’s finest tow operation, Lizard Lick Towing, will be premiering on TruTV at 10pm, February 7. Be there or be square like a…. cube!? Lord have mercy, my southern vernacular is atrocious!

#2. Catch Raleigh’s #1 DJ, Brian Dawson from K97.5, “each Saturday night on Fox50 following the 10 O’Clock News as Capitol Broadcasting, Radio One & Chase Media presents The BSpot.”

Try To Shoot Down My Rights ‘N I’ll Be Reading You Your Last Rights!

America, we as citizens of the greatest nation on Earth have three inalienable rights: the right to bear arms, the right to bear children, and the right to bear our asses in public when no police officers are present. Frankly, I couldn’t careless about the first two rights because I don’t need a gun and I don’t have a vagina. However, there are many among us to whom these rights, particularly the first, do matter.

Therefore, outlawing guns would be a clear violation of not only the constitution, but also the rights of those hard-working Americans who do want to arm themselves. It is however my stipulation that we must at least upgrade our current gun control laws to prevent shootings such as those that occurred at Tucson and Columbine from ever happening again.

I am not an expert on gun control laws, and I am feeling far too lazy from eating cake to possibly perform the in-depth research required of this subject. So instead of analyzing our current gun control laws, I’m going to propose five of my own. Keep in mind that these are not all-encompassing. As I started earlier, I feel like being a lazy piece of shit right now!

#1. Anyone suffering from an emotional disorder can obtain a gun only if he or she takes and passes a strenuous mental status examination. Being afflicted with a mental disorder doesn’t necessarily make someone crazy. For instance, just because Howie Mandel would rather scratch his own ass than shake someone else’s hand doesn’t mean he isn’t rational enough to possess a firearm. The bottom line is that not all mental orders are equal.

#2. Anyone convicted of either a sex-related or violent crime cannot purchase or carry a gun at any time whatsoever. I’m sorry, but such people have forgone their right to bear arms. I intentionally highlighted violent or sex-related crimes because I feel that permanently banning all convicted felons from owning a gun is unfair. I should be barred from purchasing a weapon because I talk to my dog like she’s a human, not because I took part in a non-violent burglary when I was 18.

#3. Anyone who is unemployed must first acquire and maintain a job for at least six months before he or she may acquire a weapon. It’s my belief that unemployed and potentially disgruntled individuals, especially those of the postal persuasion, are far more likely to go bonkers than someone who’s hard at work. This rule is a bit sketchy, so I fully understand if you find it disagreeable.

#4. Anyone who fulfills the above prerequisites may purchase a gun, but only after successfully completing 15 or more hours of basic firearm training. A gun in the hands of a responsible person who isn’t trained to use it is just as dangerous as a gun in the hands of an irresponsible person who is trained to use it.

#5. Last but not least, anyone who purchases a gun must prove every two years that it’s still in his or her possession. The process merely entails bringing the gun in to some sort of regulation depot for a “check-up.” This will prevent gun owners from illegally flipping their weapons to others. “What if their dog ate it?” you’re probably asking. Well, then they would have to pay a $1000 - $10,000 fine, depending on the MSRP of the gun in question. This would prevent Joe Schmoe from selling his gun for a quick profit. Nice try though, slick!

Look, I don’t mind guns in the hands of responsible, sane, and employed individuals. However, owning a gun is more so a privilege than it is a fundamental right. Suffice it to say, if you want to own a gun, then you better be ready to prove that you deserve the “right.” Remember folks, guns aren’t toys; they’re real, and they’re deadly!

Adolescence #2 (WTF!?)

2010 was a great year for me. My writing was improving, I was making a sub-standard-decent living, and I felt somewhat happy. For once I finally felt like I was getting somewhere. Unfortunately, this feeling has since evaporated and been replaced by ones of inadequacy and confusion instead.

It’s almost like I’m going through a second adolescence. It kind of makes sense, what with 30 being the new 20. I wouldn’t mind it so much if, like when I had my first adolescence, my penis would grow some more. That would be pretty cool. Unfortunately, this adolescence is occurring entirely in my brain. It’s quite annoying.

I can’t figure out what I want more—money, a wife, or a career. Even worse, I have no clue how to obtain any one of these. To be honest, I’m leaning most toward trying to ‘launch’ a successful career. But in what? Excuse my non-language language, but what the **** am I actually capable of doing? Could I be a satirist, a columnist, a pundit, a funny book writer, or a professional jackass—or am I destined to always be a freelance writer?

They say one can do anything one puts one’s mind too (God I hate gender neutral language), but that’s bullshit—plain and simple bullshit! We all have our limits. What scares me is that perhaps I’ve reached mine. Maybe this is it. Wow… I just realized that I sound as if I’m having a mid-life crisis, which makes no sense since technically I’m 19.

Anyway. I’m sorry to bore you all with my inner demons. I prefer to avoid revealing myself like this, but I just couldn’t help it this time. I’m confused, man. And no… I’m not confused about my sexuality, ASSHOLE ;-).

To end this section, I want to share my birthday horoscope. I’m not some astrology believer or whatnot, but I did find this reading to be very interesting, to say the least.

“You don't know if you've gone deep enough yet, for the more you dig, the more you learn. Nevertheless, at some point, you must finish your research and actually put what you've learned to practical use. Once you acknowledge that you've uncovered a bottomless pit, you'll be able to stop spinning your intellectual and professional wheels. The time for thinking is over; get to work and apply your wealth of knowledge to getting ahead.”

I just hope to God I’m really a friggen Aquarius!

”Pig Latin, Pig Latin,” said the Pig

My favorite-ever cartoon character, Porky Pig (aka Rush Limbaugh), got blasted this week for mocking the Chinese language. At first I honestly laughed out loud because I don’t consider him a legitimate political pundit. As far as I’m concerned, he’s an entertainer, meaning he’s no better than Seth McFarlane (sawwy Seth). Plus what he said sounded like Pig Latin, which certainly befits a man with such an enormous personality and waistline.

After listening to several pundits discuss the issue, I’m not so sure where I stand anymore. On one hand, he carries himself like a pundit, which means different standards should apply. If Joe Scarborough were to say something so distasteful, for instance, I would expect Mika Brzezinski to paddle him until his butt turned red. By the same token, Rush Limbaugh should be disciplined for being so distasteful—especially at such a precarious time. The Chinese are currently visiting us, for God’s sake!

But as someone who genuinely loves comedy, I really don’t know how to react. The joke really didn’t offend me—but I guess it did offend others. On the Ed Show, Al Sharpton went so far as to say, "I think you should not be able to use humor in a racist or gender-biased way.” I agree that such humor shouldn’t be allowed on “federally regulated” airwaves, but to ban such humor outright seems unreasonable.

To me, it all comes down to intentions. Seth McFarlane and I get our rocks off on making fun of people, regardless of race, gender, sexuality, religion, or fame. We frankly don’t care. However, we design our humor in a way that will offend the least number of people possible. Plus we mean absolutely no disrespect with our comedy. I’ve been picking on the Morning Joe staff these past two weeks, but it’s been entirely out of admiration and respect. What Limbaugh did, on the other hand, seems more so out of disrespect.

At the end of the day, I still have no answer. All I know is that I don’t want to lose my own right to create distasteful humor. I quite enjoy being a jackass; I was born to be one. Some people are pundits; others are construction workers. Me? I’m a jackass, born and raised, and you know that’s right! Speaking of which…

I, Sir, Do Not Kiss Ass; I Suck Up!

This week I came under heavy fire from many who claim I’m an ass kisser. I want to officially ‘refudiate’ these allegations by letting it be known once and for all that I, Sirs and Madams, am not an ass kisser, an ass licker, or an ass fingerer. I am a just a humble suck upuper. J/K!

On a serious note, a lot of people have accused me of trying to kiss ass. This slightly irritates me because it’s absolutely false. There are many people whom I admire, and I don’t mind sharing my

On a serious note, a lot of people have accused me of trying to kiss ass. This slightly irritates me because it’s absolutely false. There are many people whom I greatly respect, and I don’t mind sharing my deep admiration for them. However, many people believe I’m just trying to get a job. Really? Do you really think I’m stupid enough to believe I’ll just magically be handed a job? What am I—the autistic version of Ted Williams? Come on now, folks!

Look, I’m just a very loving person. I have a lot of love to give and I intend to give it out whether you like it or not, Bub! My dearest apologies though to all the people out there who don’t enjoy getting their asses sensually sucked on, but if I like ya’ll, then ya’ll str8-up screwed cuz I ain’t backing off! So gon’ stop complaining, bend over, and let this Southern Daddy-Mack have a taste at your delectable butt!

By the way, some of the notables I really like include Michael Baisden, George Willborn, George Noory, Roland Martin (aka Mr. Ascot), Soledad O’brien, Mika Brzezinski, Joe Scarborough, Ruben Navarrette, Dr. Sanjay Gupta (not to be confused with Gupta from the show Outsourced), Chris Matthews, Keith Olbermann, John Quiñones, Dr. Cornel West, Jon Stewart, Stephen Colbert, Conan O’brien, Jay Leno, Ray Romano, Arianna Huffington, Seth McFarlane, Cleveland Brown, Chef Gordon Ramsay, etc. And this is just an abbreviated list, folks! What can I say… I got love in my heart!

Sarah Palin Accidentally Hits Self-Destruct Button On Her Career

In a sad twist of fate, Sarah Palin’s political posturing, which over the course of two years has taken her from the boondocks of Alaska to a mansion in Imaho, officially came to an abrupt end early Friday morning when she accidentally hit the self-destruct button on her career, iDog, while trying to give it a bath.



“Last Wednesday, iDog started leaking a tremendous deal of blood libel from its pooper and stinking up my mansion,” a saddened by visibly still optimistic Palin told reporters at a press conference Saturday. “While giving it a bath, I accidentally hit the self-destruct button, which unbeknownst to me at the time was located right underneath his bum.”

She continued, “No words can fill the hole left by iDog’s unfortunate and unexpected demise, but I am confident that a swift, 5-minute burial will do him just fine, in turn leaving me all the time I need to manufacture a new career.”

Under the terms Palin agreed to when she adopted iDog, she must first face the keen scrutiny of investigative detectives and forensic analysts, many of whom already suspect her of foul play. If charged and convicted, Palin could potentially be permanently barred from ever practicing politics again.

“Although it initially appeared like a typical case of career self-termination by accident, what with iDog’s various parts scattered about in no particular pattern, further investigation revealed certain discrepancies,” lead detective Stewie Leibowitz later revealed. “We’ll need to wait for the results of the autopsy for confirmation, but it is my firm belief that iDog died from a severe case of political career abuse.”

Political career abuse, as defined by Pundits for the Ethical Termination of Asinine Careers (PETAC), refers to instances in which a politician browbeats his or her career into dust—whether on purpose or out of genuine ignorance. Investigators suspect that Palin beat, tortured, and strangled iDog, and then subsequently took apart its body and laid out its internal components in a disorganized fashion.

“I’m truly baffled by these horrendous allegations—all of 'em,” said Palin, balking at the suggestion that she purposefully sabotaged her own career. “I’ve been doing everything I can to foster iDog’s well-being, including feeding it a generous diet of one-sided political rhetoric; taking it on walks through nearby cemeteries to illustrate the effects of Obama’s death panels; and even letting it play with the tarnished careers of people from poverty-stricken, drug-infested neighborhoods in the hope it’ll realize the importance of cutting taxes for the wealthy.”

She continued, “Considering that I even went so far as to have it wee-wee’d up at the salon—and I’m talking a pedicure, a manicure, and even colorful ribbons and bows—it is clear that these people with their false allegations have clearly misunderestimated by character.”

Because Palin was taking decent care of her career, or at least it seemed, she was expected to go on and run for president in 2012. After this unexpected tragedy, however, it remains to be seen whether she can build a new career in politics. Her critics say that her fifteen minutes of fame are up, but some of her more ardent supporters vehemently disagree. Regardless, the swarm of negative attention Palin has drawn from this whole fiasco will hopefully, at the very least, deter other candidates from trying to also accidentally or purposefully sabotage their own careers.

***************

In related news, Michele Bachmann, who has only been in the national spotlight for a relatively short period of time, just phoned in to the Whitehouse to report that she just accidentally hit the self-destruct button on her career, iPoop.

(There goes the neighborhood!)

F.I.N.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

PS #1 – I seriously doubt that Sarah Palin or any other notable figures even know I’m alive, though sometimes I have Twilight Zone moments where it seems otherwise (The Friday morning edition of Morning Joe was really, really weird!), but I want to err on the side of caution by issuing a public apology.

Miss Palin, I have nothing against you personally. However, I sincerely feel like the speech you made after the Tucson shooting was extremely tacky, inappropriate, and self-absorbed. I can get away with being a self-absorbed dumbass because I AM A SELF-ABSORBED DUMBASS! You, on the other hand, are a political figure tasked with representing the people. So please, for the love of God, stop putting yourself in front of your country and countrymen! You’re here for us, not the other way around.

PS #2 – I was extremely impressed by tonight’s new episode of “Primetime: What Would You Do?” It seems like the producers have really reinvented themselves. The hidden-camera bits were fresh, innovative, and touching! Well done, ABC! I’m still mad that ya’ll cancelled “The Whole Truth,” but I suppose I can forgive ya’ll this one time.

PS #3 – Today I almost killed my dog. I take her out to the bathroom when she needs it, I feed her plenty, and I play with her so very much. How did she repay me today, on my birthday? Sighs. I woke up to discover that while I was asleep, the little hellhound had ate one of her toys and subsequently puked and shit all over my room. Oh thank you, thank you dearly, oh sweetie pie friggen honey bun, thank you so much for the generous birthday gift. Fucking bitch!

PS #4 – I want to apologize for never making a real attempt at communicating with other people (I write, but I never stick around long enough to listen to the rebuttals). I still have a lot of inner demons to defeat. I honestly don’t know if I’ll ever defeat them, but I do want to say how much I appreciate ya’lls (assuming anyone is even reading this) attention. I kind of live in a secluded, protected bubble because inside, I’m kind of like a little boy—with a grown man’s penis, mind you.

PS #5 – If you liked my satire piece, please do me a favor and click on THIS. Every hit earns me $.001. It may seem like very little, but it quickly adds up! By the way, if you’re interested in building some residual income, definitely consider signing up at AssociatedContent!

Night all and stay blessed, all of you. Life is hard man. It’s very difficult. I know many of you are suffering through horrible times. Please keep your heads up and keep yourselves forever moving forward!

Nite.

--- Final Note ---

I just read about Keith Olbermann leaving MSNBC. I really really like the guy, so I’m really saddened by this news. Hey Keith, man, keep your head up, bruh! You cool in my book! I didn’t watch you that often because you’re on at 8, when a lot of other stuff is on, but I always liked you—and so did one of my indirect mentors, Mr. Michael Baisden. Stay blessed! We will miss you.

January 14, 2011 | Squash All Beef (KRS-One)

Tonight I chose a song from KRS-One because it embodies the very message that we as a nation need to be to embracing. There’s no reason on Earth for us to hate one another so fiercely over what are merely differing opinions.

Evening, folks. I hope everyone had a decent week. I myself have been suffering from a major dose of cynicism. I’m very irritated at everything that’s going on around me. Texas republican congressmen are trying to arm themselves with guns, Bill Maher is cussing out Tonight Show guests, and Jimmy Fallon is still refusing to pick my hashtag. What a dick!

Anyway, I honestly don’t feel like going into a bunch of long spiels tonight. Instead I’m going to drop one small blog piece, one small personal piece, and one ultra-small satire piece. That’s it. Note also that my blog post may appear ever so slightly biased to the left. Plus it’s going to be full of jokey-jokey material because I don’t feel like being 100% serious. It’s Friday, and I want to have a good time…

If You Can’t Keep It Civil, Then Squash It!

This week I’ve been paying close attention to several political pundits and news sources, including the Huffington Post, Jon Stewart, Chris Mathews, Mika Brzezinski, Joe Scarborough, and the one old guy on Morning Joe who always functions as the day’s chief elder. On Thursday it was Pat Buchanan.

Like the pundits, I too hope that the events of last Saturday inspire the fanatics on both the left and right to tone down their rhetoric. A quick glance at the endless stream of hateful and misguided rhetoric still brewing on the Internet makes it abundantly clear, however, that such a change in mentality isn’t going to occur overnight.

FoxNews.com readers keep lambasting democrats for turning the Tucson memorial service into a “side show attraction” featuring a “native American Mexican,” “high school cheerleaders,” and, of course, “Barry.” Meanwhile, CNN.com readers are hell bent on making certain everyone realizes that “Sarah Palin is 100% responsible for last Saturday’s shooting,” not to mention world hunger, global warming, and premature ejaculation. I admit that she’s somewhat of a ‘female dog’ who needs to learn how to admit her shortcomings, but I certainly don’t blame her for Loughner’s actions.

Even I have been unable to maintain civility and composure. Last night I ripped apart a member of the “inbred right” for referring to a young, half-Latino woman as ignorant because she wants to learn more about her heritage. This was my only public display of disrespect, but I assure you that I’ve been spouting endless hatred from behind the scenes. Just ask my female dog. This afternoon I spent one hour severely chastising her for listening to Glenn Beck. What a Sarah Palin!

All the while certain unnamed radio programs continue to propagate fear mongering by predicting an upcoming civil war / revolution between the middle class and the “aristocratic government,” which, in case you didn’t already know, is being operated by the “Bilderberg Group.” (rolls eyes) What I find interesting is how the rhetoric of these fanatics fits so well with Loughner’s own psyche.

“He basically kind of thought that the government was crap and that it was just this big, bad thing that was trying to just take over everybody and that we had no say in anything, that we were controlled by them 100 percent,” his former girlfriend, Ashley Figueroa, told KGUN9 Tucson news station reporters.

By the way, does anybody else find it peculiar that the news station has the word ‘gun’ in its name?

Anyway, the fanatics are partially correct in that there is a war. However, it’s not a war between conservatives and liberals, the religious and the non-religious, or the “colored” and the “non-colored.” Rather it’s a war between our ids, egos, and superegos. We all have evil, nasty, and perverted thoughts & desires circulating in our ids. It’s human nature. Take for instance some of mine:

“I hate republicans!”

“Good-looking women are evil!”

“I want to bone the chick from the Daily Show as Jon Stewart watches and takes notes on MY TECHNIQUES!”

Usually our egos are hard at work in the background keeping our ids happy, while at the same time making sure to stay within the boundaries defined by our superegos. Lately, however, our superegos haven’t been doing their jobs. They’ve been slacking and subsequently allowing our egos and ids to run amuck! It’s as if our superegos have given up on morality. “Why have a conscience in this day and age?” they keep asking.

What I’m trying to say is that we’re losing a grip on our moral consciousness. In simplest terms, we’re allowing our most basic, primitive instincts to dominate our behavior. While spontaneous and erratic behavior can be productive in certain situations, such as when trying to launch a bazooka at a tank about to crash through Capital Hill (rolls eyes @ Rep. Louis Gohmert, R-Texas), there is no need for it when merely debating politics. Though times are indeed difficult and many different ideologies clutter the airwaves, there is no excuse for us to allow our emotions to take over our actions. We’re not melodramatic 15-year-olds; we’re grown men and women, and we should know better!

So if we can’t debate with civility and respect, then we need to “squash all [the] beef,” and just move on. Excuse my street vernacular, but it ain’t that serious! We’re alive and well in the freest and greatest nation on Earth, so we should be thankful, not hateful.

Personal Thoughts (Temporary Replacement for PS)

#1. I have a fracture on my right hand that is healing exceptionally fast, especially considering I’m a smoker. I’m hoping and praying that my Doctor, whom I see in two weeks, will give me permission to start working out again. Right now I feel like a lazy piece of shit! I crave nothing more than to do some pull-ups, rows, deadlifts, shrugs, curls, extensions, squats, and…. drum-roll…. bench presses! *grunts like the toolman*

#2. This week a die-hard MLK fan asked me what my dream is. Besides ending world hunger, bringing forth world peace, and eradicating all conservatives save for Joe Scarborough, Tim the pot-smoker, and Bubba, my real dream is to be a weekly columnist.

I’ve realized that I don’t want to talk and write about the news every day. I prefer to spend most of the week just sitting back and listening to the pundits talk. Plus I quite fancy variety. Sunday through Tuesday is for freelancing writing, Wednesday is for affiliate marketing, Thursday is for web-cam whoring on naughtyliberalasianboys.com, and Friday is for writing a column.

There are three reasons behind my desire to be a columnist.

A. I want all the haters from my past—especially those from Indiana, Massachusetts, and Colorado—to finally say those words: “Oh shit… I was wrong about him!” Yeah, no shit, Sherlock!

B. I want to prove to my family back in India that I’m not just some fool who is “wasting his life away.”

C. I want to express my opinion to millions of attentive readers all across the United States. I genuinely feel that I have a unique perspective on issues that could potentially make a difference.

The only problem is that becoming a columnist requires obtaining a journalism degree, and then working as a journalist. My lack of social skills makes it very unlikely that I could ever excel in a world based almost exclusively on networking. My only other option is to become Arianna Huffington’s boy toy. Sighs. I guess I have to do what I have to do… *takes off pants and walks off into the sunset*.

#3. I want to take a moment to offer all my blessings and love to all those who lost their lives or were injured at last weekend’s shooting. I especially want to remark on Congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords, a woman whom I find to be absolutely enchanting. It has been an honor to read up about her this week. With all due respect, she reminds me of the character Amy McDougall from Everybody Loves Raymond, except that she’s much much prettier.

What I find even more mesmerizing is the love between her and her husband, Commander Mark Edward Kelly. They both truly inspire me. Miss Gabrielle reminds me why I should never lose faith in finding a good woman, while Mr. Kelly motivates me to become a strong, “rock”-like man worthy of the type of love he’s been so fortunate to find. God Bless them, 4 real though, as well as all the other people affected by the horrendous shooting.

A Force of One—Chuck Norris Vows To Save America's Vitriolic Political Culture With Way of the Dragon

With America’s political climate quickly deteriorating from the unabashed vitriol littering the airways and streets, there remains little hope for civility—or does there? Step in Chuck Norris, a ‘Lone Wolf McQuade’ who has vowed to officially resolve this unfortunate dilemma, even if it means roundhouse kicking everybody’s ass.



“The atmosphere in America has gotten out of hand, and it’s time for me to fix it,” Chuck said, brushing bits of steak off his t-shirt, which oddly featured an artist’s depiction of Rush Limbaugh’s watermelon-like head being smashed by Gallagher.

He continued, “The problem facing our country is that people have lost touch with their morals and values, and subsequently become cynical, mean-spirited and at times even violent. We’ve tried injecting money into our schools, promoting civil discourse, and even banning assault weapons, but to no avail, which leads me to believe that it’s time for me to take action by bringing the way of the dragon to the country I hold so dear in my heart.”

Chuck was of course referring to the code of honor from Chun Kuk Do, a form of martial arts he put together by hiring a freelance writer to rewrite the rules of Tang Soo Do in her own words. It features simple ten guidelines for how men and women should conduct themselves.

“It’s real simple,” Chuck said. “All Americans have to do is seek the best in themselves and others; remain loyal to their friends, family, and country; keep working hard to achieve their goals; and dedicate themselves to promoting civility, open-mindedness, and love.”

What remains to be seen is how Chuck will implement such a radical and groundbreaking philosophy into American society, which is already littered with a multitude of conflicting ideologies constantly at war with one another. Added to that, there are many Americans who will likely accuse Chuck of trying to subvert the “rising people’s movement” with sentimental banality.

“Look, let me put it you this way,” commented Rush Limbaugh, while trying to zip up his fly, which had been stuck in an open position for 36 hours straight. “The only thing this ‘be good, do good’ goodie two-shoes crap will accomplish is take focus off the real issue—that Angelina Jolie is building an army of adopted-children soldiers trained to help our ear leader, Whacky Barracky, turn our country into socialist Nazi Germany.”

The question still remains—how will Chuck implement his program.

“I’m Chuck Norris,” said Chuck Norris, “and I don’t take any shit. When a firehouse has a fire, they call me. When I poke people on Facebook, they die. When cops pull me over, they try to talk their way out of it. Suffice it to say, America will either do what I tell them to do, or I’ll roundhouse kick them in their ass.” (Source: ChuckNorrisFacts.com)

When we then pointed out that such talk goes against his code of honor, he merely replied, “If I want your opinion, I'll beat it out of you."

Chuck Norris’s Code of Honor

1. I will develop myself to the maximum of my potential in all ways.
2. I will forget the mistakes of the past and press on to greater achievements.
3. I will continually work at developing love, happiness and loyalty in my family.
4. I will look for the good in all people and make them feel worthwhile.
5. If I have nothing good to say about a person, I will say nothing.
6. I will always be as enthusiastic about the success of others as I am about my own.
7. I will maintain an attitude of open-mindedness.
8. I will maintain respect for those in authority and demonstrate this respect at all times.
9. I will always remain loyal to my God, my country, family and my friends.
10. I will remain highly goal-oriented throughout my life because that positive attitude helps my family, my country and myself.

Final Note

I have no clue what ‘sentimental banality’ means, but it just sounds really big and cool. More importantly, it makes me feel friggen smart, DUDE!

NIGHT, YA’LL!

January 7, 2011 | Walking (Mary Mary)

--
I chose this song courtesy of Mr. Michael Baisden, but the song and video that’s really on my mind is “I Am The Future” by Troop 41. Watching them walk through New York City is unbelievably inspirational. These cats are doing it big, and I really really admire them.
--

Good Evening, folks. After having taken three-fourths of a month off from work, it felt like hell on Earth returning to the grind this week. My life is a breeze compared to those who have spouses, kids, and actual jobs, yet at times I still have difficulty managing it all. I guess that’s just what I get for being a sissy-pants liberal, aye? Haha, j/k.

This week I’m going for a more brief and casual post. I love writing my ass off, but sometimes I just don’t have all that much on my mind. Beware that it will also be more controversial and provocative than usual.

So let’s get to it.

Our Children Should Know The Tooth

A lot of schools in America don’t allow The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn in their classrooms due to its abundant use of racial epithets. Activists like Mark Twain scholar Alan Gribben hope to resolve this unfortunate predicament by replacing such words with more appealing terms such as slave or “intern.” (Colbert)

I wholeheartedly disagree with this initiative because I believe children should know the truth. By sugarcoating such a historical piece, we're acting as if they’re too stupid to understand its implications. The n-word was used a lot back in Mark Twain’s time, and kids should know this. In fact, maybe seeing it used in such a derogatory and demeaning fashion might make them realize that it shouldn’t be used at all in the modern age.

You know, I used to use the n-word all the time, but I finally realized that it’s an inappropriate and stupid thing to do. FYI… I never read The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn.

Dr. Cornel West said it best:

“Twain was a literary genius and a bluesman who grew from a racist Confederate soldier to a mature solider of freedom on behalf of black people, yellow people and all others. Huck Finn is a funky text, because it tells the truth about America. Don’t deodorize it for the reality-denying audience of contemporary America.”

Fistbump atcha’, my nnnnnniihhh… *cough*… good friend of the black persuasion.

Is The World Getting Darker, Or Did I Forget To Take Off My Sunglasses?

A lot of strange shit has been going on lately—birds and fish dying all willy nilly, Jack Wheeler’s body turning up in the midst of garbage (R.I.P.), and my living room TV turning on and off on its own. It’s all a bit odd, but I’m not too overly concerned because unusual and unexpected patterns sometimes suddenly appear in nature. It’s no biggie, unlike the investigation into Biggie’s death, which is a real big Biggie!

Unfortunately, there are a whole lot of people who don’t realize this. Conspiracy theorists are drooling from the mouth in glee and using these occurrences to justify their delusional beliefs. I used to keep a close eye on the conspiracy networks because I found them to be entertaining, but everyday I’m finding them to be more and more disturbing instead. Just this week, I read a post from a guy offering to teach other Texans how to kill someone from 700-ft away on the basis that they’ll need this skill during the “upcoming guys.” Even more disturbing is the fact that he has two children.

The problem with these people is that they’re incapable of differentiating between fact and fiction. They love to tout evidence, but their so-called evidence isn’t real evidence. It’s phoney baloney contrived from some creative person’s imagination. Frankly, I find it annoying that these conspiracy theorists are so arrogantly confident that their versions of the truth are correct. What’s funny and ironic though is how quickly the truth changes from conspiracist to conspiracist. The theory offered just happens to always magically fit into each conspiracist’s own dark and twisted fantasy.

Truth be told, there is a slight chance that something major might occur in the next few years—something that would change the very fabric of society. Maybe there will be another world war; I don’t know. It’s immaterial because it hasn’t happened. More importantly, I prefer to view the future with more positive eyes. I strongly believe that any changes that might occur will be more-so about self-actualization and positivity. And I guarantee you that such changes will not come about as the result of all these fear-mongering, holier-than-thou false prophets.

By the way, I know that I myself come off as a precocious little twit with a ‘Buddha’ complex, but I’m just trying to showcase my intelligence in the hope of stealing the white man’s woman.



She’s mine now, Whitey!

The Boy Who Cried Bullshit

John Boehner is a trip to me. You would think a man who cries so frequently is a sensitive and compassionate teddy bear who loves the people. Yet the guy is going out of his way to try and thwart the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act (PPACA)—a federal statute that, for clarification, provides affordable healthcare access to 32 million more Americans than before, expands Medicaid by 15 million people, ensures insurance companies allocate a certain proportion of their income toward medical expenses, and prevents insurance companies from discriminating based on pre-existing conditions. According to the NY Times and a multitude of other sources, repealing it would cost $230 billion over ten years, hurt small businesses by taking away the tax credits they receive to help cover employee health costs, and ultimately increase everyone’s premiums.

Either this guy really believes he’s doing the right thing, in which case he’s delusional and totally unaware of how real Americans live and feel, or he deserves an Oscar for crying on cue. Either way, I don’t like him. I do however love the fact that like me, he too smokes. The difference is that he has at least 20 more years of lung damage on his belt. Heheh. That was totally wrong, but misery loves the company of miserable republicans!

Picture a young man and an old man sitting next to each other on a park bench. The young man is smiling and giving a left thumb up as he peacefully puffs on a cigarette with his right hand, while the old man is using his left hand to wipe ashes from his stoma as he diligently tries to keep the cigarette in his right hand stabilized.

ROFLOL. That was so fucking unpatriotic that even I want to punch myself in the face! On a more serious note, John Boehner should seriously consider using discount count Disc10-19544 to get a 10% discount off a Green Smoke starter kit. It could save his life!

The Fabulous Adventures of Captain Queer

As all of you have probably heard by now, Navy Captain Owen Honors (aka Dis-Honors, lol) was relieved from duty aboard the USS Enterprise due to a raunchy video he made a few years ago. First of all, I honest to God thought there were three different guys in the video. It never occurred to me that it was Honors playing two other people. This means that either I need new glasses, or I’m really really friggen slow! Either way, I finally understand now how Louis Lane was unable to tell the difference between Superman and Clark Kent—something that had previously baffled me for decades.

Anyway. I personally don’t find the video offensive in the slightest bit. I like the idea of having a boss or commander with a gregarious sense of humor. However, since I have no military background, I’m in no position to make a judgment call on this issue. My lack of knowledge concerning military culture prevents me from really understanding it. Plus God Forbid I offend Glenn Close, who, by the way, has the first name of a man. (J/K)

System Failure

You remember that little retarded boy from Everybody Loves Raymond? I’m a lot like him in that I too am easily overwhelmed, not to mention retarded. (“I’m invisible! I’m invisible!”) There’s just so much news to digest, and so little time to do it. I spend a considerable amount of time skimming the news, yet I always feel like I’m ten steps behind. When writing the above section, for instance, I had to quickly pull all those facts off the Internet because I didn’t know them off the top of my hand. To be honest, I still can’t recite them off the top of my head, lol.

I prefer viewing things from a macro perspective because it’s easier to put aside facts and figures this way. The bottom line is that repealing Obamacare would be bad for this country because it’d up the deficit, while also taking affordable healthcare away from millions of needy American. Unfortunately, you can’t argue a point with such vague statements—unless you don’t mind being ridiculed by your opponents. Even worse is when a conservative catches me arguing a point with incorrect facts. OUCH… that hurts!

One thing I can say with full confidence is that Sarah Palin’s Alaska is a lot safer for children than it is for adults! (Source: TV-Guide)



I sadly cannot say the same for my grandmother, who suffered a heart attack after watching the show for 15 minutes. I tried to save her, but she grabbed my hand and whispered, “Let me go. It’s too much to bear!” Eh… that was a corny play on words.

Can’t We All Play Here In Peace?

This week the Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals ruled that a Christian cross located at the Mount Soledad Memorial in San Francisco is unconstitutional because it makes it look as if the government is endorsing Christianity.

I agree with this decision, but it’s unfortunate that they had to take it this far to begin with. It wouldn’t have been an issue if other religions had been allowed to display their symbols at the memorial as well. Unfortunately, many Christian fundamentalists in our country are so afraid of other religions such as Islam that they refuse to share the playing field with them.

I find it extremely sad because as an agnostic, I couldn’t careless what signs and symbols people parade around town. I don’t care if children wear t-shirts that say, “I love Jesus,” “I love Beavis,” or “I love Penis”; if Muslims build a mosque near 9/11; or if my friggen dog begins worshipping Satan and subsequently puts up a little Satan flag next to her food bowl. WHATEVER! Who cares!? Let people be free, say I!

Oh well. Since certain Christians (not all) don’t want to play fair, then we have to go by the law. There’s nothing else to it.

A guy on CNN said it best:

“Everyone loves the Constitution until upholding it requires a decision that does not favor their personal beliefs. If you feel this decision is an attack on you, then you have forgotten that the idea is to protect us all. You have to accept the fact that others do not want to see your religion or its symbols tied to the government in any way. The decision favors all, rather than you.”

Guns For Tots

McDonald’s toys are like guns in that they can kill children, or at least that’s what some folks in San Francisco would like us to think. They believe that toys encourage children to eat unhealthy, so they’ve banned them from Happy Meals. I vehemently disagree with this ruling because I believe food choices should be left to parents. Admittedly, though, I wouldn’t mind seeing McDonald’s offer some better quality food.

I’m an adult, and I like McDonald’s toys. They’re fucking fun, damnit. The problem is that I can only get one if I purchase a Happy Meal with nuggets or a burger. I make it a habit to never eat burgers unless I’m planning to have sex later that day, in which case I’ll scoop up some grease and stick it up my… well nevermind.

At the end of the day, McDonald’s has the right to serve whatever food it wants. Happy Meals with burgers and nuggets are unhealthy, but they have the right to sell them, and parents have the right to buy them. I do wish they would start offering additional Happy Meal options, such as ones with mini grilled sandwiches and cups of fruit. Until then, I guess I’ll just have to get my toys from Toys R Us. Maybe parents with fat kids should consider doing the same.

New York City Terminates Curbside Recycling Program Because Of P Diddy’s “Go Green or Die” Initiative

Following the overwhelming success of P Diddy’s “Go Green or Die” initiative, the New York City Department of Sanitation has permanently terminated its curbside recycling program. According to Mayor Bloomberg, there’s just isn’t enough space for “all that crap” anymore.



“When only the leftwing, hippy bastards were recycling, it wasn’t a problem,” said DSNY director Robert Crowley. “Then that rapper D Piddy or whatever started this stupid movement, and all hell broke loose.”

Since the inception of Diddy’s campaign in early 2010, the average number of NYC households that recycle has risen to a whopping 85% from what was once just 15%. The unexpected enthusiasm for recycling has left recycling centers all across the city crippled and unable to function.

“We have piles and piles of scribbled paper, used toilet paper, ashy cigarette paper, charred-up joint paper, and unread editions of the New York Times newspaper all over the place,” said Manhattan Recycling Center manager Derek Fallom, sweeping what looked like was either chocolate-covered broccoli or fecal matter from his trousers.

Sources report that 62% of all DSYN workers have quit since the beginning of Diddy’s “Go Green or Die” campaign. Though 61% of them cited unsanitary conditions as their reason for leaving, a few such as illegal Mexican dwarf Miguel “Tiny” Velasquez cited something else.

“I crawled and hid inside a horse’s ass to get into this great country,” said Tiny, wiping tears from his diminutively sized face. “I wanted to work hard, become successful, and give my family everything they deserve, but I couldn’t take it anymore!”

“I’ve seen it all—dilapidated homes with no plumbing or electricity; the bodies of men, women, and children who were gunned down by ruthless drug lords; and even the inside of a horse’s anus—but never in my life have I seen so many fucking recycled goods!”

According to Mayor Bloomberg, the situation hit the fan two days ago when one of the workers at the Manhattan Recycling Center began having a massive number of bowel movements while on the clock.

“The whole factory erupted into madness when they discovered that he had cholera,” said Bloomberg. “It’s unfortunate, honestly, but things do happen. Thankfully we were able to quickly intervene by quarantining the staff and shutting down all our recycling plants. The guy is dead, but nobody else caught it, and the public is happy.”

"Things could have been a lot worse," Bloomberg added. "Thank God nobody knows that we were the ones who created cholera to begin with!”

---------------------------

Alright. That’s it. I hope you enjoyed it because I didn’t enjoy writing it, lol. Mind you, I’m going to really really enjoy the short-lived, drunken catharsis that’s about to follow!!! Anyway. I’m about to enjoy 24 hours of pure bliss!

PS #1. Do you wonder at times whether women really know what they want? If so, look here. Do you love to eat chitlins while watching raunchy humor? If so, look here.

PS #2. CNN's Dr. Gupta did a piece this week entitled Better than Botox: 7 reasons to have sex tonight. I don’t know too much sex, as it has been 4+ years, but I sure do know a lot about self-sex *two thumbs up with a cheesy smile*. In fact, it’s helping me recover from my hand fracture by forcing me to bend my screwed-up finger. It’d be easier to just screw myself with 4 fingers, but ain’t no lovin’ like 5-fingered lovin’, and you know that’s right!

PS #3. I offended some people last week when I claimed that a local woman looks like Arianna Huffington on steroids. What I meant to say is that she has the face of Miss Huffington, but the luscious breasts of Xena the Warrior Princess. I apologize for the confusion. (FYI – I adore Miss Huffington, so this is definitely not meant with disrespect)

PS #4. “Live a good life. If there are gods and they are just, then they will not care how devout you have been, but will welcome you based on the virtues you have lived by. If there are gods, but unjust, then you should not want to worship them. If there are no gods, then you will be gone, but will have lived a noble life that will live on in the memories of your loved ones.” (Marcus Aurelius)

PS #5 – I may be pushing the boundaries of tactful comedy with this, but here it goes. We all know that conservatives suck, but apparently, so do liberal children.



Get it, honey!

Was that a bit too much? If so, I’m genuinely sorry!