This Place About To Blow (Kesha) | Hurricane Edition

Evening, folks. First and foremost, I want to send my thoughts out to all the people who own property near the coastlines. I hope and pray that your properties are unaffected by Hurricane Irene. Regardless, the most important thing is that ya’ll get out of there alive.

And I don’t expect the hurricane to affect Raleigh too badly… but still, I hope everybody is prepared and ready for one helluva weekend!

Let’s go…!

Drunk, Moody Roomie To Other Roomie: “I’m Going To Crush Your Head.”

Boston, MA—Late Friday evening, 34-year-old engineer Mark Coolidge came home from work and, after drinking a few beers and catching up on the news, informed his roomie, 26-year-old freelancer Jack Patch, that he was going to crush his head.



“First he pulled me outside to discuss how we could somehow magically solve all of the world’s problems, and then when I mentioned that maybe we should start by raising taxes on the rich, he suddenly went all ballistic on me by telling me that he was going to crush my head,” Jack told reporters, still visibly shaken from the previous night’s unexpected events.

“The crazy thing about it all was that he showed no emotion. I would have figured he was doing a deadpan comedy bit if I didn’t already know that he has no sense of humor whatsoever.”

When questioned by police about the incident, all Mark had to say was, “I am crushing your head!”

Moral of the story: It’s a long story involving my very-funny roomie, too much beer, and Warren the “cock” Buffett, lol.

Moral of the story #2: Big ups to ‘Kids In The Hall’ (88-94).

Pet Owner Shares Pizza With Dog In Honor Of MLK’s Legacy

Boston, MA—Longtime Dorchester resident Charlie Jones, 25, has decided to share half of his hand-tossed Papa Johns pizza with his 2-year-old German Shepherd, Keanan, in celebration of the unveiling of the Martin Luther King, Jr. National Memorial in Washington, DC.



“I think it’s important that I take a moment to pay tribute to MLK’s heroic struggle for civil rights by letting Keanan, who in the past has been forced to chow down on really cheap dog gruel from a metal bowl, sit by my side at the table of brotherhood and partake in this totally delicious pepperoni and green pepper pizza.”

He added, “Come tomorrow, however, the BOY goes back to eating his gruel!”

Moral of the story: Civil rights obviously don’t apply to stinkin’ dogs, but there was once a time in America when minorities, particularly blacks, were looked upon as dogs. And well, I think it’s important that we don’t forget that. Nor should we forget all the hard work and dedication it has taken to get us this far.

Moral of the story #2: Salute @ Martin Luther King, Jr. R.I.P.

Big-Breasted Woman Sick Of Men’s Inability To See Beyond Her Tits

Memphis, TN—A big-breasted, 27-year-old woman from East Memphis has decided to take a stand against all the men who refuse to see beyond her triple F titties and accept her as a unique human being with a unique mindset.



“You know, just because the majority of my body weight is composed of ‘titular’ mass does not mean that I am just some big, giant boob!” the anonymous woman told a band of male reporters who had purposefully been blinded beforehand to assure they maintain the rigorous standards of quality journalism.

She continued, “I am a human being with a big heart and a huge brain, damnit!”

In Related News: Big-Breasted Woman To Get More Breast Implants

Moral of the story: Shuttttttttttttt upppppppppppppppppppppp!

Muammar Gaddafi Loses Chess Game For Libya

Tripoli, Libya—After 42 years of waging ruthless pawn-on-pawn and queen-on-pawn attacks on both his people and the rest of the world, the internationally famous Bobby Fischer wannabe, Michael Jackson lookalike, and all-time supreme dickhead / despot Muammer Gaddafi has finally lost the chess game for Libya.



“It all started back in 1969 when Gaddafi led a small band of disgruntled military pawns in a move to checkmate King Idris,” NBC Nightly News anchor Brian Williams told reporters. “But after winning the game, instead of sticking to the rules set forth by his predecessor, Gaddafi decided to adopt completely new rules based on his own twisted gaming philosophy.”

“He restricted the moves pawns he didn’t like could make; replaced all his rooks, bishops, and knights with bodyguard queens; and began interfering with other country’s chess games.”

According to Williams, by the 1980s, Gaddafi was kidnapping, maiming, and killing pawns from other countries, as well as training his own pawns to set off bombs on other countries’ chessboards. And then in 1988, Gaddafi purportedly orchestrated the Lockerbie bombing, during which his most loyal pawns set off a bomb that killed 270 pawns from 21 different countries.

“Gaddafi continued perpetrating evil acts for a little over two more decades until just this past spring, when some of his pawns finally acquired the courage and momentum to mount an attack against him,” Williams continued. “Most of the world expected the rebel pawns to loose, but after months of braving it out throughout the dangerous landscape of Libya’s chessboard, they have finally prevailed.”

He added, “It just goes to show that nobody can cheat the game of chess—NOBODY.”

Moral of the story: We don’t make the rules, but we do enforce them. That said, CHECKMATE, BITCH!

Young Man Only One Ear Hair Away From Retiring

Raleigh, NC—Despite eating healthy, exercising daily, and maintaining a relatively low-stress lifestyle, 30-year-old Triangle native Chip Sanders already suffers from numerous old man symptoms, including but not limited to shrunken balls, jiggling man boobs, glaring bald spots, and whisker-like nose hairs. According to his doctor, Sanjay Sandhu, he is in fact just one ear hair away from being ready to retire and move to Florida.



“I’m 58 years old, and even I don’t suffer from as many symptoms of old age as Chip does,” Doctor Sandhu told reporters as he shook his head, which for the record was covered in a full set of gleaming black hair. “It’s like he’s physically aging faster than everybody else, though judging from his income statement, his Social Security benefits are about four decades behind his balls.”

Chip’s descent into dirty old manhood began four years ago when, slightly after his 25th birthday, Chip noticed a thinning patch of hair in the middle of his scalp. At the time, he figured that his barber had merely made a mistake, but as the year progressed and the patch grew larger, it slowly dawned on Chip that he was going bald.

“It pissed me off then and it still pisses me off now because I’m way too young to be suffering this sort of bullshit,” Chip complained to reporters while trying fervently to fill in his bald spots with a Sharpie permanent marker. “Hell, my friggen pubes haven’t even finished growing yet, and I swear there are like a shitload of 15-year-old boys out there who have thicker chest hair than I have hair on the top of my head.”

Unfortunately, things only got worse for Chip. By 2007, he began experiencing great difficulty keeping his penis fully erect while making love to his wife. A year later, the situation grew so dire that he sought out the counsel of a local $5/hour Gypsy therapist.

“I couldn’t afford seeing a regular doctor or paying for Viagra at the time, so I made an appointment with this holistic dude who claimed he could fix my problem,” Chip explained. “The guy had me pumping up my penis like a tire, wrapping it up tight in cock rings, and popping Ginkgo Biloba pills like they were skittles, but none of it worked!”

The situation was eventually rectified in early 2010 courtesy of the Affordable Care Act, which allowed Chip access to subsidized Viagra prescriptions. But by then, the situation had only grown worse. While his penis was finally able to hold onto blood, it suddenly started to lose its ability to hold onto pee.

“I used to wake up, scratch myself, bang my wife, scratch myself again, take a shower, brush my teeth, feed the dog, eat breakfast, read the newspaper, check my stocks, smoke a cigarette and then take a pee, but that all changed in April 2010.”

According to Chip, he was making sweet love to his wife on the morning of April 12 when he suddenly got an overpowering urge to pee. The same thing happened three days in a row, prompting Chip to start taking a pee right after he woke up each morning. Two months later on June 17th, however, he suddenly woke up in the middle of the night with the same urge to pee. It was at that moment Chip realized he was becoming a dirty old bastard.

“I couldn’t believe it, man; I just couldn’t believe it,” Chip whined to reporters while staring icily at his crotch. “A little over two months ago, I was living it up, and then all of a sudden, I couldn’t sleep just 4 measly hours without having to take a friggen pee.”

He added, “It’s like what the hell is wrong with my dick, man!?”

Sadly, Chip’s situation has declined even further since 2010. His pectorals jiggle like breasts whenever he jogs, his shrunken balls droop so low that they sometimes accidentally get stuck up his ass, his hearing is so poor that he misses out on many of his wife’s verbal advances, and his testicles smell so bad that his dog purposefully avoids his presence.

The only thing keeping Chip sane during this tumultuous period of time is the fact that he has yet to sprout an ear hair.

“As soon as the first ear hair shows up, it’s a wrap, man,” Chip told reporters as he stood outside on his balcony, a golden ray of sunshine glaring off the top of his partially bald scalp. “I’m quitting my job, leaving my wife for a hot toddy half my age and moving to Florida!”

Moral of the story: It sucks to get old!

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I hope I made you smile or laugh.

Take care and stay safe, everybody!!!!!!!!!!

My City (Soulja Boy) | I like the beat, OKAY!?

Lol @ my post title.

Hey folks. I’ve been extremely busy the last few days because I’ve falling a bit behind on my bills and, well, a brotha needed to put in some work. That said, I’m throwing together some hastily written satires tonight. Nothing you read today will be that great. Thank you, however, for bearing with me! God willing, I will be back next week with a SLAM DUNK!

Rick Perry Unsure How Old His Wife Is, Despite Having Access To Wikipedia

New Hampshire—While speaking in Portsmouth late Thursday afternoon, Rick Perry admitted to his supporters that he has no clue how old his wife is, even though Wikipedia clearly states that that she was born on March 5, 1952.



“How old do I think the old ball and chain is?” Mr. Perry asked the crowd. “You know what? I have no freaking clue. I do know though from 29 years of living with her that she is pretty darn old. Unfortunately, I don’t think anybody—including even Jesus—knows just how old the ol’ bag is.”

Moral of the story: This piece can be interpreted in one of two ways, depending on whether you have more faith in Rick Perry or Wikipedia—both of which, truth be told, lack credibility.

Rush Limbaugh Almost Finds Racial Harmony In 'Biracial Cookie'

Palm Beach County, FL—Following years of straddling the line between being a total bigot and just an insensitive ass, conservative talk show host Rush Limbaugh almost found racial harmony this past Wednesday courtesy of a “Triple Double Oreo” cookie that contains both chocolate and vanilla cream.



“I have been studying Obameo, as I like to call it, for three days now, and I swear I am very close to realizing that just because blacks and whites have different skin colors doesn’t mean one is superior or inferior to another,” Rush told reporters, his eyes still glued to the cookie.

Unfortunately, Limbaugh’s transcendence was cut short when, in a rage of hunger, he ate the ‘biracial’ cookie.

Moral of the story: Rush is like the real-life Archie Bunker, except that he’s not funny!

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PS #1. I’ve already started working on my slam dunk piece for next week. And it won’t include any politics because I’m frankly too partisan to write genuinely funny political satire.

PS #2. Please register and get ready to vote on October 11th for the 2011 Wake County school board elections. These elections are very important. You know, Mr. Chuck Campbell of the Chuck Campbell Show doesn’t want sodomy in Raleigh because he thinks it’s sick. Fair enough. Likewise, I don’t want segregation in my school system because I think IT’S sick!

PS #3. I know my previous comment probably pissed off 50% or so of the community, but I think I have the right to express my views.

PS #4. I don’t sit around planning a ‘liberal agenda.’ I just stand up for what I believe is right. And I KNOW the Tea Party and republicans do the same thing.

PS #5. Raleigh and NC in general are neither liberal nor conservative since 2008. It’s a mixture, man. Nobody owns the city or state. And nobody ever will anymore. So it’s time to stop being so partisan (looks himself in the mirror) and learn to work with one another. It would help, though, (starts to get sarcastic) if ya’ll would stop calling us liberals “parasites”! We’re nor parasites. We’re pathogens! GET IT RIGHT, DAMNIT! :-)

Night!

Live Your Life (Rihanna/TI)

I chose this song because it fits perfectly with my current mood: to hell with the haters because I got that HEAT, baby, and I’m finnin’ to blow up . . . (eventually, that is)!

Evening. Tonight, I’m going for a primarily non-partisan blog because I’m partisan pooped! So besides a little goofy piece on Romney, this will be mainly for fun and laughs. Enjoy.

Brief Satire: Mitt Romney Leaves Wife For Bank Of America

Belmont, MA—After 42 years of marriage, Mitt Romney has called it quits. According to TMZ, the GOP presidential candidate filed official divorce papers late Thursday afternoon, citing his “love for the Bank of America” as the catalyst for the split.



“I appreciate all the years I’ve experienced with my wife, and I especially appreciate the five beautiful children she gave me, but she just doesn’t do it for me anymore like the Bank of America does,” Romney told reporters while waving around a photo of him and the Bank of America square dancing together.

“When the Bank of America runs its hand down my crotch,” Romney continued as beads of sweat began to drip down his excited face, “it’s like nothing I’ve ever experienced before in my life.”

He added, “Hot damn!”

In Related News: Romney Caught Making Out With Bank Of America At Iowa State Fair Petting Zoo

Moral of the story: Romney and Corporations sitting in a tree: K-I-S-S-I-N-G; First comes love; Then comes marriage; Then comes the lobbyist payment in a golden envelope.

Losers To March For “Vaginal Access” Rights

Washington, DC—In an effort to combat years of undeliberate abstinence, about 300,000 geeks, dorks, nerds, squares, techies, virgins, hipster dufuses and other ragtag losers are planning to march on the National Mall on Saturday. Sponsored by Pointdexters In Need of Kisses, Titties, Ass and Coochie (PINKTACO), the losers hope to draw national attention to their movement for “vaginal access rights.”



“My goal is to bring attention to the plight of every loser in America who must resign himself to brief sessions of early morning masturbation every single damn day because women have and continue to purposefully deny him ‘vaginal access’ for no logical reason at all,” PINKTACO founder Eugene Walters told reporters. “Everyday, another loser walks into my office demanding to know where he can find an accessible vagina, and everyday I have to tell another poor piece of shit that there are none.”

A loser himself, 43-year-old Eugene has only had sex once in his life, and it was with a really, really fat hooker who at the time was pregnant with quadruplets. Since that nightmarish encounter in 1988, Eugene has done everything possible to try to earn the respect of women, including earning an MBA from Harvard University, starting his own pipe-laying business, buying a fancy car, and getting in shape. Despite Eugene’s industrious efforts, however, he has yet, 23 years later, to lay some real pipe again.

“At least I’m not some virgin who has never experienced the sweet joy of tenderly sucking a woman’s lumpy breasts, gently caressing her cellulite thighs, or affectionately licking whip cream off her stomach rolls,” Eugene continued. “Sadly, I can’t say the same for most of my clients.”

PINKTACO’s records reveal, in fact, that of the 300,000 or so losers who are expected to attend the march, over 75% of them are 40-year-old virgins. Also included among the group are computer science students, former House pages, video game tournament champions, and Milton Krumbert, a 38-year-old obese engineer who, because of his strict religious upbringing, has never even watched a pornography video, let alone seen a picture of a naked woman.

“I imagine that a woman’s breast looks something like the graph of the polar equation r = 1+2sin(θ), in that it is likely large and round and features a small circular protuberance somewhere near the bottom,” Milton told reporters, seemingly unaware that female breasts likely look a whole lot like his own fat-ass breasts. “Regardless, I sincerely hope this march proves fruitful because I am so very tired of searching for the delta vagina to my epsilon penis.”

Unlike Eugene, Milton is neither financially successful nor in shape. He is just a simple toad of a man who works hard and spends his free time feeding birds at the park, hoping that one day a woman passing through will recognize the heartwarming sensitivity of his bird-feeding actions and open up her heart to him—and, God Willing, her vagina as well.

However, according to Professor Sheena Nicole from the University of Atlanta’s Department of Female Sexuality, neither Eugene, Milton, nor the 300,000 other losers from PINKTACO stand a chance in hell of ever acquiring “vaginal access rights” given their current mentality. It is her contention that women don’t care about material things or sensitivity, but rather about social skills and swagger.

“What we ladies want is a good-looking man who isn’t afraid to approach us and lay down some game,” Professor Nicole told reporters, holding back puke as she flipped through a photo album of PINKTACO members. “And frankly, none of these dorks have either of the two and probably never, ever will.”

“So they can march all they want,” she continued, “but until they grow some balls and learn to approach a woman correctly, it’s not going to make the slightest difference. And since most of these goofballs are afraid of their own shadows, let alone a fine, strong woman, their best bet is to either become Catholic priests and start messing with little boys, or just turn gay and start poking each other in the butt.”

PINKTACO founder Eugene Walters did not take kindly to the professor’s harsh admonitions.

“First of all, do me a favor and tell Professor Stupidass that she doesn’t know what she’s talking about with her stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, über-stupid ass!” Eugene yelled at reporters. “Granted, anyone needs social skills to succeed in love, but to hell with her argument about game because real love isn’t based on facades; it’s based on real feelings.”

“Look, the bottom line is that we are who we are. And excuse me if I sound naïve, but I find it hard to believe that there isn’t a single woman out there who’s willing to look beyond our faults, however severe, and come to love us for who we are as kind, sensitive loving men who without a doubt totally friggen suck.”

He added, “Besides, the only women who fall for game are those like Snooki, and frankly, I personally would rather eat out Milton’s ass than ever sleep with a woman like that.”

Moral of the story: Figure it out yourself!

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PS #1. I needed a name, so I quickly put together K97.5 DJ Sheena J’s first name with K97.5 DJ Nikki Nicole’s last name. It was a spur-of-the-moment decision that had no subversive meaning. If anything, it was meant as an inconspicuous shout-out to my two most favoritest-ever DJs!

PS #2. I want to take a moment to give a shout-out to a person way from my past who hurt me (“pshh… I would never go to his place.” … as if I’m worthless), and who I hurt in return. Though she is way in my past and I would rather eat my dog’s poop than be with her in a romantic way, I still think about her because, for some odd reason, I still really want her respect. Since I know in my heart I’ll never have it, I’m going to add some humor to this shout-out list to make me feel better inside:

Allison D (whore)

Alrighty then.

PS #3. I would really, really love a $400,000 contract. (Thought I’d throw that out there.) I just have no clue how I would turn all this crap into a book. I suppose I could use the creativity I’ve acquired from blogging to write a book that’s funny. That’s possible. But to base the book on these blogs is pointless. Randomized writings don’t function well in a book. A book must have a centralized theme. Suffice it to say, it would take me a year minimum to write a good book—a year involving a lot of meetings, classes, and question-answers (with people who have done it b4 and could offer me advice). This shit is difficult…and I’ve only touched the tip of the iceberg. I truly, genuinely, from the bottom of my heart have no clue what is beyond this point because I’ve become so entrenched in the idea that my dreams are those of delusion, that … I just cannot imagine being beyond this point. [#3 was written at 1:44, while I’m tipsy, so sorry for the melodramatic bullshit]

PS #4. Unexecuted Satire Ideas:

Man Waiting On Amazon Book Order Gives Up Reading And Buys A TV
In Related News: Amazon Blamed For The Dumbing Down Of America

Rick Perry: Prays To God During The Day, Preys On The Old At Night

PS #5. I want to give a quick shout-out to the Hubble Space Telescope. HUBBLE GOTCHU’!



Night, Raleigh, and hopefully, hopefully, hopefully beyond.

August 5th | Girlfriend (B2K)

I need one . . . and I need one BAD!

Evening, assholes. Yeah, this is one of those weeks:

* We got a piece of crap debt deal courtesy of the stubborn-ass GOP and their Tea Party buddies, and it has resulted in our credit rating being downgraded by S&P from AAA to AA+.

* The GOP and their Tea Party buddies blame the president for the downgrade, when it was in fact Obama who proposed a grand bargain that would have shaved 4T from the deficit by combining entitlement cuts with tax increases. And unless I’m daft, it seems to me like S&P’s official press release is indirectly hinting that we should perhaps consider cutting entitlements and increasing taxes (DUH!).

* The underhanded Koch brothers (aka Randolph and Mortimer Duke) are trying to trick Wisconsin democrats by sending out fake absentee forms with an incorrect submission date.

* The Tea Party may be looking to get rid of the federal tax on gasoline and diesel fuel, which is used to maintain our national highways.

* Sean “scumbag” Hannity doesn’t think a man has the right to celebrate his own birthday.

* And a bunch of hardcore right-wingers think Chris Christie has bowed to Sharia Law because he appointed a Muslim American to a state judgeship.

On the bright side, women don’t have to pay co-pays for birth control (I hate condoms!) and the real Nicki Minaj left me a couple more Facebook messages (yayyy!). And oh, in case ya’ll haven’t heard, Nicki Minaj loves me. Yep…!

Anyway… let’s get to some brief satire.

Brief Satire: Overanxious Nerd Gets To “Second Base” With Unidentified Woman

Raleigh, NC—Around 8:20pm on Monday, August 1, 23-year-old Brier Creek resident, hardcore Star Trek aficionado, and overanxious nerd Hardik Gupta got to “second base” with an unidentified woman whom he has never spoken too. Though he doesn’t know her name, age, personality type or relationship status, Hardik is nonetheless confident that he’ll soon get to “third base” and beyond.



“I was jogging on the sidewalk about a week ago when I passed her and she glanced my way,” Hardik told reporters while jumping up and down in glee. “And then when I saw her again this past Monday, not only did she glance at me again, but she threw me some serious eye contact!”

He added, “She wants me, man! I can feel it!”

Hardik believes that it’s only a matter of time before the “serious eye contact” is followed by a “third base” wink, after which the two lovebirds will only be a “fourth base” hello away from starting a photo album and moving in together.

Moral of the story #1: This piece is to designed to make fun of my pathetic, non-existent love life.

Moral of the story #2: Ladies, think very seriously about the ramifications before you look at me or, God Forbid, make eye contact with me!

Brief Satire: Obama Decides To Channel His Inner Rebel

Capitol Hill—So as to please his base, President Barack Obama has decided to channel his inner rebel by buying a pair of rad jeans, taking up smoking again, and totally kicking some republican ass in a game of chicken.



“I am not a chicken!” Obama was heard yelling at reporters outside Capitol Hill late Friday afternoon. “I may have let the republicans bully me into renewing the Bush tax cuts and signing a piece-of-shit debt deal, and I may have let the republicans convince me to show them naked photos of my wife Michelle, but I am not a chicken!”

Spurred by this newfound sense of rebellion, Obama has challenged all the republicans in the House to a one-on-a-bunch-of-idiots game of chicken. His plan is to have everybody race to the very edge of the Grand Canyon.

“The winner will be the one who has the courage to stay in his or her car for the longest before jumping out,” Obama explained.

In Related News: 242 Republicans Fall Off Grand Canyon Due To Sleeves Stuck To Car Door Handles During Game Of Chicken With President

Moral of the story: It’s time to kick some republican ass, Mr. President!

Moral of the story: But please don’t actually challenge them to a game of chicken!

Guinness Names Al Sharpton Most Serious Person Ever

New York, NY— MSNBC host, civil rights activist, and the man whom white people are taught from birth to hate, the Reverend Al Sharpton, has been named the world’s most serious person ever by Guinness World Records.



“After carefully analyzing decades of video footage featuring the Reverend, we’ve come to the conclusion that he has never once in his life publicly smiled, laughed, or made a joke,” Guinness representative Glenn Jenkins told reporters. “In addition, conversations with his friends, daughters, and ex-wife have revealed that he’s the exact same way in private.”

What really drove the conclusion home, however, was a discussion he had with the Reverend’s current hubby, Janet Cooper. According to Glenn, Janet and the Reverend were making love about two months ago, when she suddenly experienced a series of vaginal farts.

“She thought that it was just the funniest thing ever, so she turned to the Reverend and asked, ‘Isn’t that hilarious, baby?’” Glenn explained. “In turn, the Reverend narrowed his eyes, looked right back at her, and asked, ‘Is there anything funny about billions of poor people across the globe, millions of unemployed people in American, and 242 complete morons in the House of Representatives? I didn’t think so!’”

Glenn added, "Rumor is that the Reverend doesn't even smile when he's getting head!"

Moral of the story: Though I am making fun of the Reverend, I am doing it out of respect. The fools who have the audacity to refer to him as a racist can kiss my ass. He’s a great guy who has striven all his life to defend the poor, handicapped, and elderly. And if anything, we could all learn something from his serious and determined approach to life! I salute you, Rev, and eagerly look forward to your weekday commentaries on MSNBC!

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PS #1. If you like me, then you have to like Reverend Sharpton, because he has done a lot more for others than I ever have. Plus, as I said earlier, he strives tirelessly everyday to stand up for the poor and impoverished. And yeah, he’s made mistakes and he has once or twice stood up for the wrong people. But dude, I think Michael Vick should be allowed to get a dog again. That way, he can bring his dog over to my house and my dog can whip its ass (she a scrappa! j/k). But 4 real… if you think I’m cool, then there is no reason why you shouldn’t think the same of Mr. Sharpton.

PS #2. I kind of desire to be politically active, but I’ve never had much faith in activism. The irony is that the Tea Party has thrown that lack of faith in the water. I absolutely detest them, but they have proven that activism does work. The problem remains that I’m just too shy and can’t do it alone. I need a strong, driven woman by my side. Suffice it to say, I’m waiting for a princess in shining lingerie and red pumps to sweep me up off my feet!

PS #3. Additional song recommendation courtesy of Joe “Too Cool For School” Scarborough: That’s The Way I Like It (KC and the Sunshine Band)

PS #4. Shout-out to K97.5 and the 919 Movement: 4te Da Giant, who on that “Wet Water”; Marc Law, who “On The Grind”; Shelly B, who “Do It For Ya'll"; Brolic, who about to "Move Them Thangs"; Chris Millz, who reppin’ that “BMW”; and the JuStyle crew, who on that “Swag On 100” AND “Put My Hands On You”. NC, STAND UP!

PS #5. Happy 50th birthday, President Barack Obama! Pat Buchanan recently innocently called you a boy, but I don’t think you’re a boy. I think you’re a DAWG! But 4 real, God Bless you and I hope God (or whomever) gives you the strength and power to put these GOP assholes in a chokehold, because they are destroying our country, and that’s 4 real!

July 29th | My Last (Big Sean ft. Chris Brown) | R.I.P. Bay Bay

This song is dedicated to a homie of mine who was killed this Thursday evening.

"And I’mma hit this drink up like it’s my last
I’mma hit this night up like it’s my last
I’mma I’mma hmm hmm, like it’s my last (boi)
Swear I’mma, swear I’mma get it like
Like I never had it at all all all all, all all all all
Like I never had it at all all all all, all all all all"

R.I.P., my dude! You in my heart, baby!

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Evening, folks. Tonight, I’m going straight after the Tea Party.



I have held my tongue time and time again, but I can’t take it anymore. Everyday I see Tea Party members shit-talking “liberal retards” on the Internet, so it’s my turn to throw the smackdown.



In doing so, it may look like I’m also going after Jesus . . .



But I’m not. Quite frankly, I think Jesus is the tops. What’s not to love about a longhaired white dude who may or may not own a 12-foot bong. It just so happens that most Tea Party members are hardcore Christians, and so I’m going to use that as the basis for my satire.

I do want to apologize, however, for always writing such partisan satire, but as Joe Scarborough indirectly made abundantly clear, at the end of the day I am simply a blogger who lives with his Mama, eats cheetos, and walks around in his underwear. (false, false, true) :-)

On a more serious note, the reason I don’t work for The Onion or The Daily Show is because I don’t know how to write non-partisan comedy, i.e., I’m a comedic ideologue!

R.I.P.

If you had known Chris, Dale and Baybay like I knew them, you would have thought they were a bunch of hoodlums. That’s because they kind of were hoodlums. None of them worked real jobs. They all had a close, personal relationship with drugs. And the only Bible quote they followed was the one about “banging bitches.” I’ve never read that one, but it supposedly exists.

I met Chris in 2001 at the county fair. Prior to meeting him, my life was hell. I was depressed, lonely, and desperate for friends and love. Chris recognized my pain, so he introduced me to all his friends—Joe, Ally, Matt, Brook, Wilburn, Dale, Baybay, Cornell, etc. From then on, every night I was out living life. We’d go bowling, talk to girls at the club (though I’d just watch because I was too shy), and cruise the streets. Sadly, Chris passed in the summer of 2002 as per a car accident.

Before Chris passed, he introduced me to Dale. This fat bastard was a boon to my existence from the first moment I met him. He raced my car around like he was Mario Andretti, he cock-blocked me on two separate occasions, and he made my apartment smell like shit. But he had a good heart and it was through him that I came to know his cousin Baybay. Unfortunately, after getting out of prison in September 2008, he traveled back home to Memphis, only to die a few days later in a motorcycle crash.



Baybay was a true thug. He grew up walking the streets of Memphis with a gun at his hip. Once, while questioning me about a crime, the police told me that I shouldn’t hang out with Baybay because he was “hardcore.” I didn’t listen because I felt like I owed everything I had to Baybay. It was because of him that I met and asked out Erica Williams. It was therefore because of him that I lost my virginity before I turned 21, and because of him that I know what it feels like to love a woman. Alas, he was gunned down this past Thursday.



Many people wonder why I got so much love for the hood. It’s because of these three fellows. They didn’t judge me because I looked and talked differently, or because I tried to act cool. They accepted me for who I was and let me into their click. And because of them, I have so many wonderful memories. I’ve gotten my life together, quit trying to be something that I’m not, and stopped hanging out in the hood, but I’ll never forget the everything I’ve been through, for better or worse. That said, my heart goes out to every hood ni$$a in the world—especially Chris, Dale and Baybay.

R.I.P.!



Note – If you think I’m gay for this, then shoot yourself because you’re the gay one, trick.

Jesus Christ Reveals That Tea Party Is The Antichrist

New York, NY—Jesus Christ, the savior of mankind and the only long-haired hippy whose presence conservatives can stand for longer than ten minutes, made a surprise visit to Studio 3A at the Rockefeller Center early Friday morning to reveal to MSNBC contributor Willie Geist that the Tea Party, which is overwhelmingly Christian, is in fact the very essence of the Antichrist.



“It has been a long time since God and I worked with, you know, Moses, John, Greg, Peter, Bobby and whomever to prepare the Bible and New Testament and all that crap,” Jesus told Willie while he flipped through the latest edition of Endtime Magazine, “but I am pretty sure that we said something about showing love to the poor, not judging others, being open to new ideas, coveting spirituality over wealth, and only using the term Hitler to refer to people who commit genocide—and not like, you know, the president.”

He continued, “Yet the Tea Party doesn’t do any of that. Mind you, I think we also said something about how you should beat up slaves that misbehave, kill all the citizens of a conquered nation, and burn your daughter alive as a sacrificial offering to God when like, you know, times are tough and you could really use an extra 50 bucks to get your car payment in on time, but hey, the Tea Party folks should be able to tell when we’re joking around.”

Jesus went on to cite the many ways in which Tea Party members, though claiming to represent the very best of Christian values, behave contrary to his and his father’s teachings. In particular, he noted their staunch stance against universal healthcare, which would have allowed anyone to receive mental and physical treatment, regardless of financial status; their fuming antipathy toward people of different religions and sexuality, not to mention manatees; and their condescending disapproval of the arts, contemporary music, and Hollywood.

“Flying around heaven for 2,000 years has taken a heavy toll on my body, but because of Hollywood, everybody thinks I’m some sort of super-sexy and ripped pretty boy,” Jesus explained. “Besides, just because someone is an actor doesn’t mean he or she isn’t entitled to an opinion on say . . . politics.”

He added, “Plus, I don’t see Tea Party members donating portions of their wealth to any charities—besides their own, of course.”

According to Jesus, another sign that Tea Party members are out of touch with Christianity is their penchant for false prophecy. He claims that Tea Party notables and favorites like Texas Governor Rick Perry, conservative radio hosts Glenn Beck and Rush Limbaugh, and about 75% of the guests on the Coast to Coast radio show are all false prophets.

“Instead of listening to these goofy lunatics, the Tea Party needs to be listening to the real prophets, as in John Lennon, Uncle Luke, Marc Anthony, and Matthew Bellamy,” Jesus argued while he made sweeping air-guitar motions. “John imagined the perfect world, Luke taught us about doo-doo brown, Marc slept with J.Lo, and Matthew just rocks!”

Also telling of the Tea Party, Jesus asserted, is its hypocrisy, such as in the way the Tea Party feels it’s entitled to this, that, and a third, but at the same time believes that people who are hard on their luck should just suck it. Even more damning are the Tea Party’s greed and unwillingness to compromise, both of which threaten to bring the United States’ economy to a screeching halt.

“Tea Party members dwell in a dark abyss of fear, greed, hatred and delusion, yet they feel that just because they pray every night, attend Bible meetings every Wednesday, and file into Church every Sunday, that they’re somehow immune to the Antichrist—who, for the record, they claim everybody else is merely a pawn of,” Jesus said as he shook his head in dismay.

"It's very sad. To find my dad and I, people must look within. Folks can spend the rest of their lives reading the writings of my father and I, but until they look deep inside themselves, they'll never find either of us. Most people realize this, but not the Tea Party. Instead of looking for solutions within themselves, they direct all their insecurities at the world--and in doing so, instead of slaying Goliath with a sling, they allow themselves to be taken over by the mentality of Oliver Crangle."

Moral of the story: The Tea Party, in my opinion, is to Christianity what the Rosie O’Donnell is to a two-piece bathing suit—a bad fit!

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There it is. Judge not lest thou be judgedth. Well, I just judged ya’ll Tea Party folk, so I give you permission to judge me in kind. All I ask is that you judge me with sharp style and wit. Instead of saying I’m “gay” (which I’m not), say something like, “You’re so dense that you refract light.” See? And no, I’m not an elitist. I’m just a smartass who never got beat up in middle school (big goofy smile).

PS #1. The best way to get the ass out of a smart kid is to beat him up a few times. Keep in mind this method only works on kids, because once an adult smartass, always an adult smartass!

PS #3. No disrespect meant toward C2C Radio. I think George Noory and crew are the tops!

PS #3. There's a frog that comes out by the deck door every night, and every night my dog Sheila goes up to and sniffs it, and it just stays there. Sometimes it hops around a little, but for the most part it stays. I picked it up last night and I gotta say, I quite like the feller! Anyone know what frogs eat? And what should I name it? The only name that comes to mind at the moment is Froggy.

PS #4. My very cool but extremely white as a snowflake roomie is throwing a poker party tomorrow. Pray for me ya’ll. Pray that one of his friends doesn’t bust out a guitar and start singing “Bye, Bye, Miss American Pie, Took The Levy to the Chevy and I got Really High” (or whatever), cuz if they do, I may have to kill myself! LOL (I’m a smartass!)

PS #5. To hell with all the haters. Ya’ll may not believe it, but I know for a fact that I spit HOT FYA!



Night.

R.I.P. to Clarence W. Smith, or as I knew him: Bay Bay.

July 22nd | Crunk Musik (The Diplomats) [Precursor]

Next Friday, the Dipset Reunion Tour will be live in Raleigh, North Carolina. I’m talking about Cam’ron, Jim Jones, Juelz Santana and Freekey Zekey live in Raleigh, courtesy of K97.5. This is a VIP event, so if you want more information, look up K97.5 on Google RIGHT NOW. There are limited reservations, so hurry! HURRY! HURRY!



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Evening, idiots. I’m sorry if I sound pissy, but it’s one of those weeks. Our nation is in a debt crisis like no other, Boehner is eating pizza (with those thighs!??) and hardcore conservatives keep complaining about all us “bleeding-heart, dumbass liberals.” Sighs.

Anyway. Today I got some political commentary directed at all the hardcore conservatives. Regular conservatives can chill, because this isn’t about you all. Also included is a brief practice lesson in Comedy 101 and some low-grade satire. Enjoy.

What If It Were Me?

I’m a slightly mentally retarded idiot who, though just a few months shy of 30, possesses the emotional intelligence of a 20-year-old. This is in fact the reason why I find it amusing to call my penis Mr. Spanky. Speaking of which, Mr. Spanky is very, very lonely for a slim woman with B to C- breasts and lightly textured skin of the white or redbone persuasion!

Anyhow. My life as a slightly mentally retarded idiot has been fraught with tribulations—alcohol and drug abuse, depression, suicidal thoughts, unemployment and even crime. Yet, despite these adversities, I’m now a hard-working, tax-paying citizen who spends his free time reading, writing and drawing caricatures of his penis, whereas in the past I would have been seeking out another “fix” or scheming ways to illegally earn a buck.

The only reason I managed to finally rise up from the dour circumstances of my past is because of the unrelenting love and support my parents showed me. They waited patiently, year after year, for me to finally get a grip and accept that which comes with living in reality: working hard, paying bills and sitting down to pee on the toilet (still working on that one).

Unfortunately, many children aren’t blessed with such caring parents. Some grow up under the tutelage of abusers and molesters, while others are forced to make due all on their own, for better or worse. Thus, many of these same kids end up, by no choice of their own, intertwined in a dark, seedy world of crime, drugs and prostitution. And because nobody gives a damn, they keep falling and falling—either unto death, or into prison.

The only chance many of these broken kids have is through us. I cannot prove this with facts or figures, but I wholeheartedly believe that every dollar directed toward free clinics, free education programs and free treatment centers makes a difference. Certainly, not every child will be saved, as rising up requires will and determination, but if even one comes up as per our efforts, then that’s what I call money well spent.

So you can probably imagine why it irritates me to no end that hardcore conservatives feel that spending money on such programs is equivalent to socialism. It is their belief that we were all magically born equal, and that someone who doesn’t make it is nothing more than a lazy bum who doesn’t deserve to live a good life—that those individuals whose lives are fraught with pain and suffering have somehow earned their fate.

But just imagine for a moment what would have happened if you had been born in a bad environment or you had been born with a mental illness. Imagine running home everyday after school to escape being teased and bullied, only to get beat-up or molested by your father. Imagine trying your hardest to perform well at school, only to constantly fail for no reason that you can think of.

And the conservatives aren’t just concerned about the “social’ism” welfare of the impoverished and disabled. They’re equally irritated at all the “entitlements” the elderly receive via Social Security and Medicare. What concerns them is that such “excessive spending” is taking away from money that could be lining the pockets of “job creators” like Exxon Mobile (30.460 billion net profit as of 2010) and Chevron Corporation (19.024 billion net income as of 2010).

What these conservatives don’t realize is that a living, breathing human is more important than a pseudo human like Exxon or Chevron. Job creation is important, but it’s not as important as ensuring that every single living, breathing human in our country is given the tools and resources needed to excel. Some will squander it, I know, but for every fool, there are tens and thousands more just like me who will use it to rise up in this world—and it’s for them that I “sing this song.”

It’s true that our country is in a financial crisis and that we must all make sacrifices if we are to ever get beyond it. But that remains an impossibility so long as conservatives maintain the argument that empowering the “job creators” even further—the same “job creators” who are quick to fire their American workers and outsource jobs just so that they can increase their bottom line—is more important than anything else, including the welfare of the elderly, disabled and impoverished.

Remember, these “worthless bums” you see at the unemployment office, at the social services center and at the grocery store with their EBT cards could be you. Some of them are abusing the system, but most of them are just trying to survive a very cold, vicious world that doesn’t give a rat’s ass about anything but profit. So before you judge them, always ask yourself, “What if it were me?”

Comedy 101: Proverbs and Pun Headlines

To become a better comedian, I’m working on simple tasks like modifying proverbs and coming up with puns. Wish me luck!

“If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it” . . . unless your wife tells you to.

“A good man is hard to find” . . . especially at the strip club.

“A drowning man will clutch at a straw” . . . and that’s exactly why his dumbass will keep drowning.

Among those who stand, do not sit; among those who sit, do not stand. Among those who laugh, do not weep; among those who weep, do not laugh . . . and among those who fart, do not inhale.

Nature breaks through the eyes of the cat . . . and it also breaks through the hole of the ass.

Can the monkey know the taste of ginger? . . . My “monkey” knows the taste of Finger, Mary Anne AND Mrs. Howell!

Sleep after selling horses and elephants . . . and get drunk before sleeping with fat women.

If a child washes his hands he could eat with kings . . . and if he scrubs your cock, he could be the Pope’s BFF.

OJ Prison Rapist Didn’t Use a Glove; AIDs Possible

Obama Confronts Boehner At Pizza Parlor And Says, “Show Me The Dough!”

President Outsources Debt Reduction Talks To Vice President



Moral of the story: Just making fun of a republican who said Obama outsourced the debt problem to Biden.

Man Completely Unaware That He’s A Total Fatass



It has come to the attention of the U.S. Center for Disease Control and Prevention that around 3:00 pm on Thursday, July 21, an unidentified man from Jackson, Mississippi walked into the Wendy’s on the corner of East Woodrow Wilson Avenue and North State Street, and, after ordering enough food to feed a horse, had the nerve to ask for a diet coke. “According to the cashier that was on staff that afternoon, the bastard even had the audacity to ask for her number,” said the agency’s director, Abraham R. Batushansky, MD, MPH. “Either the roly-poly-likely-Polack shmuck is oblivious to the fact that he’s fatter than the Fat Jew, or he simply has no f**king shame.”

“Oy, a broch!”

Moral of the story: Look in the mirror, you fat bastards! All of you! Yeah! I said it!

Shout-out of the story: Give it up to the FAT JEW!

Note of the story: I didn’t mean to make it about Jews, but it kind of just came to me. Lesson #1 of Comedy: the best ideas usually come spontaneously. So do the worst ideas…

Funniest Sorta-Political Joke Ever

I’m currently out of quality reading materials, so as I wait for the next batch of books to arrive, I’m keeping myself busy by reading words of wisdom from the magnanimous book, “More Filthy Dirty Jokes: Uncensored Edition.” The other night I flipped to the politics section, and I stumbled upon a really good joke about the Reverend Al Sharpton. Before I recite the joke, let it be known that I think da Rev, Ted Kennedy, Al Gore and Bill Clinton are all the tops. However, a good joke is a good joke, damnit!

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One day in the future, Al Sharpton has a heart-attack and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

“I don’t know what to do here,” says the devil. “You are on my list, but I have no room for you.”

“You definitely have to stay here, so I’ll tell you what I’m going to do. I’ve got a couple of folks here who weren’t quite as bas as you. I’ll let one of them go, but you have to take their pace. I’ll even let YOU decide who leaves.”

Sharpton thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the right room. In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Over, and over, and over he dove in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell.

“No,” Sharpton said. “I don’t think so. I’m not a good swimmer, and I don’t think I could do that all day long.”

The devil led him to the door of the next room. In it was Al Gore with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time again.

“No, this is no good. I’ve got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day,” commented Al.

The devil opened a third door. Through it, Al saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

Sharpton looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, “Yeah man, I can handle this.”

The devil smiled and said ….

“Ok, Monica, you’re free to go.”

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If you don’t think that’s funny, then KILL YOSELF, because I bet you $1,000 that even Da Rev himself would laugh out loud at it! Mmm hmm!

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Thank you for listening. I do this because it makes me feel good inside… when I do it well. Last week’s post made me feel like total shit because it was garbage. This time around, however, I feel like I did okay. I literally started writing just this afternoon, but it all somehow came to me. Divine inspiration, man. I’m not religious and God can literally suck on my nuts (sorry @ Michelle Bachmann), but thank you to whatever/whomever/however I get the inspiration.

THANK YOU!

July 15th | Lil Debbie (Waka Flocka Flame)

Lil Debbie (Waka Flocka Flame)

"Ain't no way in hell imma see my momma broke,
Ain't no way in hell imma see my team fall,
Only know one thing: go hard, stunt, then ball,
I ain't gone stop til my momma got it all.”

Anybody who thinks gangster rappers lack the depth to spit meaningful lyrics must not know!

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Evening. This has been a very confusing week as per a delusion I had Monday night courtesy of Denis Leary. That evening on the Daily Show, Leary ended his interview by making a comment along the lines of, “Yeah, Mr. Reader, why is it you read everything else but not my books?”

After having spent the weekend using drugs, listening to music and having sex with cutout pictures of models, my brain was so warped that it automatically assumed the reference to “Mr. Reader” was an inconspicuous shout-out to me.

Leary obviously wasn’t talking about me. When I finally realized that a few days ago, I was kind of disappointed. However, the whole ordeal did inspire some mediocre satire, so thank you anyway, Mr. Leary.

And oh—the one celebrity who did actually refer to me this week was Petey Pablo. Earlier tonight on K97.5’s 919 Radio show, Petey made a direct shout-out to all the “Facebook writers” out there. Again, I could be totally delusional and I probably am, but I’m willing to bet $100.00 that he was talking about me! (CMGEEEZY!)

See, that’s the difference between white celebrities and black celebrities. The latter show love and, more importantly, they don’t forget where they came from! Okay… that was racist. I’m sorry, but I’ve been drinking and the president is black, damnit! Got a brotha feeling kind of cocky, ya know?

And yes, I know that I’m not black. But you see, I don’t see color . . . except for when it’s advantageous for me to see color :-).

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Anyway. This week I’m lacking in divine inspiration, so all my satire will be kind of weak—especially in comparison to the brilliant piece I wrote last week. In fact, for the most part, everything you’re about to read kind of sucks. Sorry, but it’s hard to stay on point EVERY WEEK.

Crazy Conspiracist / Wannabe Comedian Seeks First Contact With Celebrity Comedians

Raleigh, NC—After three years of trying unsuccessfully to garner the attention of his favorite celebrity comedians so as to earn a golden ticket into the entertainment industry, 29-year-old amateur comedian and full-fledged conspiracist Victor Sanchez has come under the belief that there’s a conspiracy afoot to prevent him from acquiring fame and success. To counter said conspiracy, Victor plans on using high-tech, SETI-like equipment he purchased off the Internet to telepathically make first contact with his favorite celebrity comedians.



“What does it mean when a really funny, talented and just outright awesome amateur comedian isn’t able to get the attention of his favorite comedians, let alone make anybody, including his own mother, laugh?” Victor asked reporters while he leaned forward in his chair, tilted his head to the right and cocked his left eyebrow.

“It means that someone is so threatened by this comedian’s brilliance that they’re purposefully conspiring with the Zionist government to ensure that this comedian’s straight-up awesome jokes are totally not recognized or appreciated by anybody but himself and, of course, his spiritual guide, Sparky.”

Victor contends that this conspiracy to thwart his rise to comedic stardom is the reason why none of his favorite celebrity comedians have been receptive to his “straight-up awesome jokes.” To him, this is the only feasible explanation as to why his latest batch of comedic attempts was a complete failure.

“I created Facebook pages for all of Louis C.K’s farts: Bobby, Cindy, Peter, Jan, etc.; I dressed up as a horse and pretended to be Sarah Silverman’s long-lost brother, Mr. Ed; and I told the neighborhood kids that Dennis Leery’s family name was purposefully chosen by Jesus thousands of years ago to warn children that all the men in Leery’s family like to prey on children when they get drunk on potato vodka; thus, kids should be ‘leery’ of them.”

Despite these truly epic fails, and despite his parents, his therapist, and his one friend’s insistence that he give up his dream on the basis that his comedy stinks worse than a Hispanic baby’s diaper, Victor remains adamant that there’s something far more sinister going on. In fact, according to Victor, the “someone” leading the charge against his career is internationally famous Jewish comedian Jon Stewart.

It is Victor’s belief that “Jon the comedy-hoarding-Jew-bastard Stewart” is working with the government to prevent Victor from rising to fame, so as to ensure his own career isn’t put in jeopardy. That said, Victor believes he has finally found a way to circumvent their efforts.

“It’s all going to happen through this here high-tech ACME 500 helmet,” Victor told reporters while he pointed at his head, which was covered in what appeared to be a sheet of aluminum foil shaped like an oversized yamaka. “This sweet piece of technological pie will let me bypass Jon’s comedy suppression by beaming my best jokes directly into the minds of my favorite comedians!”

According to Victor, the tinfoil hat will pick up his thoughts and transmit them to his computer, after which they’ll be processed, forwarded to a DirecTV satellite dish sitting in his lawn, and then broadcast directly into the mind of whichever comedian he was thinking about at the time his thoughts were miraculously sucked out of his head by the aforementioned tinfoil hat.

“I hate to invade my favorite comedians’ minds like this, but Jon Stewart and his Zionist conspirators have left me little other option,” Victor said, shaking his head in dismay. “My Mother says I’m an unfunny little piece of shit, and my Mother says I should always eat my peas, but she’s just another victim of Jon Stewart’s evil and manipulative ways.”

In Related News: The Daily Show Replaces Host With Formerly Crazy Man

Moral of the story: You can’t stop me from shining, Jon the comedy-hoarding-Jew-bastard Stewart! :-)

Moral of the story #2: My comedy skills still need a shitload of refinement!

Gay Barbarian Savagely Ravages Pier 1 Imports Store For Not Having The “Friggen Pink Loveseat” He Wanted

San Francisco, CA—Late Thursday afternoon, around 5:30pm, a gay barbarian brute stormed into Pier 1 Imports at the corner of Stanyan St and Geary Boulevard, demanded to see the store manager and then flew into a violent rage after he was told that the store didn’t have the “friggen pink loveseat” he wanted.



“It was as if the uneducated and possibly Satan-worshipping gay barbarian was physically bonded to this pink loveseat he wanted—so much so the was overcome with personal despair upon realizing he couldn’t have it,” said Dr. Bruce Mozartman from the Hogwash School of Pseudoscientific Bitchcraft.

The gay barbarian was identified by police as Michael Bachmann, 55, an extremely flamboyant homosexual who was planning on being ushered into the June 23rd Gay Pride Parade on a pink loveseat.

“He grew so disparaged from his fruitless search that he had to act out violently,” Dr. Bruce remarked. “Sadly, that’s what happens when men willingly chose to dance funny, have a high-pitched voice and be gay.”

Moral of the story: LOL @ Marcus Bachmann's belief that gay people are barbarians.

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Aight. That’s it, folks. I wish I had something better to put out there this weekend because it’s a very special weekend. Lil Wayne and J Cole are in town. More importantly, Onika Nicki Minaj Tanya Maraj (damn she has a long name) personally liked one of my Facebook posts. And yeah… it was really her! And yeah, she’s really going to have my baby! And yeah, I’m going to claim it’s not mind because I am not paying child support to a woman who’s already rich!!! :-)

PS #1. I’m sorry for not putting on more for my city by, you know, citing more Carolina-based songs, but there haven’t been that many thus far that have really impressed me (I’m as picky with music as I am with the ladies!) And most of the ones I actually do like haven’t officially dropped yet, so I can’t really share them with everybody. Best believe, however, that 4te Da Giant will eventually show up on here! I put that on my Mama!

PS #2. The real Nicki Minaj knows who I am!

PS #3. I have been working nonstop since Thursday to complete the satire you just read. No matter how hard I tried, I just couldn’t come up with any good satirical punchlines. It happens, man. This is a difficult business!

PS #4. The real Nicki Minaj knows who I am!

PS #5. Ya’ll take care.

Final PS – Nicki Minaj KNOWS WHO I AM! So to all the women out there who pretend like I don’t exist… up yours, ladies, cuz the only REAL WOMAN in the house knows who I am! And that’s all I need to know to know that I’m a MAN!

So keep laughing, keep making jokes, keep being assholes. I do my shit with heart, and that's why I know I'm right. But ya'll haters out there. . . (I see you) . . . ya'll ain't got heart. And that's why ya'll will always lose (even when it seems like you're winning... like when you get to have sex with the hot girl and get a really sweet car with your lucky bitchass) and we'll always win!

BET THAT!

I'm up out this bitch.

pEaCe! :-)